Anyway. The general flow now. This part was one big chuck of narration and one big chuck of dialogues (with fragments of narration, but still mostly dialogues). Is there a way to make them intersecting blocks of medium-sized narration and dialogues? Actually, it might not be the size's problem, but the flatness of some parts. No, that's not the word. It's not flat. It's more like decompression.
Domino sighs dramatically before half-turning and, with surprising alacrity, slapping Ariana's hand off her shirt. The woman draws her hand back, red eyes flashing in outrage. She steps forward to grab at the little brat again, but Domino is already walking off, leaving Ariana to seethe.What we just have is a decompressed scene. Time the action in real time. It's about three to five seconds long. The sigh takes almost a whole second, the slap and draw back hand takes half a second, the glare takes about one second and grab is less than one second, walk off is one, at most two. It's long, short, long, short, long. When
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If TR refuse passage to the player when we're out of money it would be normal/formal. If they were evil they'd beat the player up before/after refusing. Instead they took pity on the player being poor and let the player pass anyway. I mean, in real life, if you go on a bus and doesn't have enough money to pay the fare, you'd get kicked off. Yet those two Team Rocket grunts let you pass instead of kicking you out and force you to take the dangerous tall grass route. That's pretty kind to me
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You only use rubies when you talk about the colour red and you haven't used much red. In fact, you haven't used much colours in general. This fic is a monochrome gray (you use relatively more black and white than other colours) most of the times. It does add to the gritty feeling and accentuate the red, but if you didn't intend this you could add more colours. Blue would be good
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That doesn't change the fact that they were illegally charging a toll in the first place. This is fundamentally different from a bus driver or someone in a similar position (who owns, or works for someone/thing that owns, the means of transportation) and therefore has a right to charge the person for its use. Those grunts did not build that gate. They do not own that gate. They were using their superior numbers and gang affiliation to strike fear into the passerby and extort money from them. That is not kind to me, even if they decided to give the player a "free pass" through the gate in the event that they did not have enough money
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True, a toll isn't usually extracted in a gate like this, but they had more or less conquered the town. It was their gate now. The gate was there so people can cross the field without running into wild Pokemon. It was still a service. They did not build it, but they owned it for the time they had it. This might not be a good example, but North America was populated by the Natives at first. Then foreigners drove them into reserves and took over the land. Then they charged immigrants that came later, like the Chinese, "head tax" for living in this land. It was only near Y2K that the tax got removed. Both money are charged for using a land that the current owners did not own at first. Both are used for the owners' survival. A country needs money to stay alive. TR needs money to stay alive. The people using the land need it. It's a survival thing. It's the desire to expand and prosper. It's not evil by itself
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Anyway. The general flow now. This part was one big chuck of narration and one big chuck of dialogues (with fragments of narration, but still mostly dialogues). Is there a way to make them intersecting blocks of medium-sized narration and dialogues? Actually, it might not be the size's problem, but the flatness of some parts. No, that's not the word. It's not flat. It's more like decompression.
Domino sighs dramatically before half-turning and, with surprising alacrity, slapping Ariana's hand off her shirt. The woman draws her hand back, red eyes flashing in outrage. She steps forward to grab at the little brat again, but Domino is already walking off, leaving Ariana to seethe.What we just have is a decompressed scene. Time the action in real time. It's about three to five seconds long. The sigh takes almost a whole second, the slap and draw back hand takes half a second, the glare takes about one second and grab is less than one second, walk off is one, at most two. It's long, short, long, short, long. When ( ... )
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