Fic: When the Coast is Clear (Kurt/Blaine, PG-13)
When the Coast is Clear
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Word Count: 4358
Notes: Post 4x04 reaction fic. Blangst is my crack, you guys. I'm sorry. (But it has as happy/hopeful an ending as possible.)
Warnings: Attempted suicide. Not in hugely graphic detail, but still - it's there.
Also on AO3.
Kurt is flying out the door with his bag clutched against his chest and a stack of papers in his hand when he gets the phone call. He doesn't answer until the fifth ring, risking that it will go to voicemail in favor of catching the elevator. It's just his dad; he'll call back if he really needs something.
He's breathless from the run, gasping out, "Hey, Dad, I can't really-"
"Kurt, I got something to tell you." Burt's voice is grim enough to stop Kurt in his tracks. "It ain't good."
"Is it - are you okay, Dad, is it your h-"
"It's not me, I'm fine." Burt cuts him off.
"Dad?" Kurt's voice goes very, very small. "What happened?"
"Buddy, it's... it's Blaine."
*
Kurt narrowly manages to avoid puking in the elevator.
He tells his father that he'll call him right back, drops the papers on his desk (Isabelle is waiting for them, but that's the last thought on his mind) and goes straight into the men's bathroom and doesn't come out for five minutes. Someone knocks on the stall to ask if he's okay, but he ignores it.
He walks out of the stall feeling worse than before. He splashes water on his face, rinses his mouth out, and stares down at his phone.
He opens his text messages.
Four from Blaine in the past two days.
The last one just says Kurt, I can't do this anymore.
*
"I thought he meant us, Dad." Kurt is curled in on himself.
He's not even entirely sure how he made it back to his apartment. Blind luck and newly earned muscle memory had seen him to the right trains, blessedly emptier midday than the normal work rush he's used to.
"Kurt, buddy, you couldn't have known." Burt is trying his damnest to be there for his son, probably ignoring his own much heftier responsibilities.
"But I could have - I should have. If I'd talked to him... I just ignored it, though. I thought he was saying he was through trying and oh, God, Dad, I was so mad at him. I hated him for giving up on us even though I haven't given him any reason to think we weren't broken up, but I just-" The words are choked by tears.
Kurt thought Blaine cheating on him was painful, but it's nothing compared to this. Kurt thought they needed time, but the realization that he had absolutely no idea what Blaine really needed is like a sucker punch that won't let up. "Dad, can I come home?"
"Of course, kiddo. Of course you can. Call your boss, figure that out, then use the emergency card. I'll let Carole know to expect you."
*
Isabelle is a saint, but not a miracle worker. She gives him the rest of the week (Thursday and Friday) under guise of family emergency and says that if he calls in Monday with some suddenly acquired highly infectious illness she can swing a couple more days before his internship is in danger.
He wants to care but right now he's numb to anything but Blaine. He doesn't even leave a note for Rachel, can't think of how to say it.
Dear roomie, my boyfriend tried to kill himself so I'm headed home for a visit, don't forget to water the plants.
So he says nothing, trusting that the McKinley gossip mill will tell her what she needs to know.
*
This is not how he imagined his first visit back would be.
Carole picks him up, hugs him and mothers him. Somehow it just makes him feel worse. He wonders if Blaine's mother is with him now at the hospital.
"Carole?" The hospital. "How did Dad know? About Blaine?"
Carole has a pinched look to her face. "Honey, I was on duty when they brought him in."
"Oh, God," Kurt says softly. He's not sure why, but that makes it more real. "How did he do it?"
"He..." Carole looks a little sick, too. Kurt thinks of the past year and a half, all the Friday night dinners, the sleepovers. The time he walked into the kitchen and found Blaine and Carole making breakfast, Blaine looking at her like if she offered to adopt him he'd accept in a second. "He cut himself. He lost... a lot of blood."
"Who found him?"
"Kurt, I shouldn't-"
"Who found him? Please, I just..."
"The cleaning lady," Carole admits. "But his parents have been called, they're on their way."
*
Some time between getting on the plane in New York and landing in Lima, people began to text him. Tina and Sam both make an attempt at gently breaking the news. Brittany's just says 'I think Blaine's heart needs a band aid.'
He doesn't respond to any of those, but he does send a text to Cooper Anderson.
*
Blaine's father is standing outside of his hospital room, arms crossed and talking heatedly with a nurse that looks like she'd rather be just about anywhere.
Kurt should probably stop and say hi first. He should probably ask if he can even see Blaine.
But if he stops and asks there's a chance he'll be told no, and he won't risk that. He slips into the room and - oh, God, it's a million times worse than he could have ever imagined.
Because it's just Blaine.
No, not just. There's nothing just about it.
Because it's Blaine.
Kurt's hand covers his mouth and he can barely see for the tears.
Blaine looks at him like he's utterly lost, exhausted and overwhelmed and lost. He looks at Kurt like he doesn't think Kurt is really there, like he doesn't trust his own eyes.
Kurt walks over to him. Blaine's wrists are bandaged and an IV pumps into his veins. He's so pale and there are circles under his eyes, stubble on his cheeks and hair curling wildly. He's so very much not the boy that Kurt called his in appearance. He has no idea what to say to this Blaine, but apparently Blaine still knows just what to say to Kurt.
"It's not your fault."
*
They sit in silence for long minutes.
"I love you," Kurt finally offers. He can barely meet Blaine's eyes. "I love you, and I'm sorry."
"I hurt you." Blaine says it simply. "And you had no reason to dwell - you had every reason not to."
He doesn't even sound bitter. He doesn't sound hurt, not like the night he visited New York. He just sounds resigned. Bleak and resigned and it makes Kurt start to cry again, not what Blaine says but the way he says it. "I love you, and I was too mad at you to do anything about it, but one stupid mistake does not mean we're over or that you aren’t still the most important person in my world."
Blaine says nothing again for a long time.
Through the window, Kurt can see Mr. Anderson still arguing with someone.
"I couldn't breathe anymore without you," Blaine says. "I still can't, Kurt."
"You can." Kurt can't grab Blaine's hand, doesn't want to hurt him, so he wraps his fingers around Blaine's upper arm instead. His voice breaks over the next few words. "I remember what you said. You said you were alone. I'm not going to let that happen again."
"You don't owe me anything, Kurt. My fucked up existence doesn't rest on your shoulders." There so, so much emptiness there. Kurt’s never heard Blaine sound like this. His voice, just like the way he looks - it's like a different person, but not, because...
Because it’s Blaine.
"I owe you everything, Blaine. And you're not alone." He's prepared to repeat it at the end of everything he says to Blaine if that's what it takes.
*
Blaine's father leaves without saying anything else to him.
Kurt doesn't ask about Blaine's mother. He's met her enough times to know that sometimes she's just not coherent enough to understand what's going on.
He wonders why, with all of his mothers prescriptions laying around, Blaine picked a razor blade.
He thinks about how much it must have hurt, and how much blood there must have been. He thinks about the scars it will probably leave and he's almost sick again.
But he doesn't leave Blaine's side.
*
Kurt only goes home once to shower and change clothes. He hates the idea of even doing that, hates it even more when he gets back and there's surprise on Blaine's face.
"I told you I wasn't leaving," Kurt says, sitting on the edge of the bed. He leans over and kisses Blaine's forehead.
Blaine lets him. Blaine hasn't denied Kurt anything. He still lets Kurt in like it wouldn't even occur to him not to. Kurt is only beginning to realize how fragile of a thing that is... someone that needs him, that relies on him. He shouldn't be the only thing in Blaine's life keeping him going, but healthy or not right now maybe he is, and Kurt can't just throw that away.
*
He has to step outside when people come in to talk to Blaine.
There are four or five of them total. Blaine seems more bothered after each one.
"They want to send me somewhere," he says to Kurt. "For further psychiatric evaluation. But I don't think my parents are going to okay it. I hope they don't. Dad told the doctors I was just acting out."
God, Blaine's father is an asshole.
"You need to talk to someone, though." Kurt sits close on the bed, brushing his fingers through Blaine's hair. It's gone curly, not a hint of gel in it. His cheeks are scruffy but more gaunt and there are circles under his eyes. He looks like shit, but he's Blaine... he's Blaine and he's alive and that makes him beautiful to Kurt.
Blaine just nods.
Then he bites his bottom lip and, for the first time since Kurt arrived, his eyes fill with tears. "I'm sorry."
Kurt doesn't tell him there's no reason to apologize and he doesn't tell him that it's okay. Instead he says, "So am I, and I love you. I'm not going anywhere."
*
Carole comes by every hour or two during her hospital shift, and stays when she’s done. He can see the old Blaine mask slipping back into place with her: polite to a fault, embarrassed but trying to charm his way around it. In a way it's reassuring but Kurt knows how not right it is right now. It’s like a costume that doesn’t fit quite right, because his face still crumples into almost-tears when she pats his hair, and he still stares off into space more than he tries to talk to them.
After forty-eight hours of observation, Blaine is released from the hospital. It's Saturday morning and the weather is perfect outside, like no one sent mother nature the memo that something awful has just happened.
"Would you rather go home?" Kurt asks, looking him in the eye like that will make Blaine tell the truth somehow.
Blaine shakes his head.
Mr. Anderson sends a car but Blaine doesn't protest when Kurt leads him to Carole's SUV instead.
*
Blaine sleeps most of the day in Kurt's bed.
Sam comes in briefly, and then says he thought they might need some space, so he’s going to crash with Artie for the weekend.
Kurt recognizes the guilt on his face, but he can’t bring himself to reassure Sam because part of him is just as angry at the people that should have been Blaine’s friends as he is at himself. At least he has the excuse of not being here physically to see the spiral; how did Sam and the rest of the club not see, though?
Later, he’ll be more rational about it. For now, he’s glad Sam is making himself scarce.
Kurt sits downstairs with Carole and talks until his throat hurts and his head aches from more crying. He hugs her long and hard because he has someone, he has her - and his dad, and Rachel if he could manage to duct-tape her mouth shut long enough to stop talking about her problems, and Finn-
Cooper hasn’t even replied to Kurt’s text yet.
*
When Kurt can’t keep his head up any longer, Carole sends him upstairs to bed.
There’s a moment before he walks into his bedroom where his heart pounds, like he’s not sure what he’ll find... but it’s just Blaine curled up in bed, those awful bandages over his wrists. He’s kicked the covers mostly off and his face is tight with pain or some unpleasant dream.
“Blaine?” Kurt whispers, sitting on the edge of the bed. He runs his fingers over Blaine’s hair again (Blaine loves that so much, when his hair isn’t flattened by the gel). “Honey, wake up.”
He jerks awake with a little cry, curling in tighter on himself. His chest hitches and he’s crying, just like that, right away. “Kurt.”
Kurt doesn’t hesitate now, getting into the bed and pulling Blaine against him. “I’m here.”
*
On Sunday Carole sits down with Blaine while Kurt makes them lunch.
Kurt never asks what she says, but Blaine tells him that afternoon in a halting voice that he’s going to stay with them for a while. His father is flying out again and he doesn’t want to be left alone.
Kurt is so relieved that he cries again, and this time it’s Blaine that holds him close.
Blaine says he’s going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday and he’s asked Carole to go with him. Carole knows people, she can make sure he gets in quickly.
Blaine won’t be alone. Blaine will get help. Blaine will be okay.
*
“When are you leaving?” Blaine asks on Sunday night, a tremor in his voice. They’re still in Kurt’s bed. Blaine hasn’t really felt like moving. He hadn’t even showered until Kurt had pushed him to, saying he’d feel better clean.
He’s pretty sure Blaine doesn’t feel better at all. He’s still crying on and off, and he’s tried to leave once, overcome with humiliation over something.
(“Not getting the job done,” he’d muttered darkly when Kurt had asked, and Kurt had to hold him too tightly after that.)
For a brief moment, Kurt wants to tell Blaine never. He wants say that he’s not letting Blaine out of his sight, that he’ll stay in Lima and take community college classes, that he’ll quit his internship and have Rachel ship his stuff back.
But he can’t quit his internship. He can’t leave Rachel with a year long lease and no way to pay all the rent. He can’t just... come back.
Life doesn’t work like that.
“Wednesday.” It’s a day longer than Isabelle had given him permission for, but if his flight gets in early enough he can go straight to the office and show up for a half day.
Blaine just sort of nods. “All right. Thank you for... coming here. You didn’t have to. I know we’re broken up, but you’re still letting me into your life.”
“Blaine.” Kurt’s heart feels like it’s squeezing impossibly tight in his chest. “We’re not broken up unless you want us to be.”
“Why not?” The mask slips again and Blaine just sounds tired and hurt and hopeless. “I cheated on you, Kurt.”
“And I was hurt. I was angry. I shut you out. I wasn’t doing either of us any favors, Blaine, I realize that. I didn’t know how to handle being away from you, either.”
“But you didn’t go to another guy.”
Kurt thinks of dancing in a club, when he’d let himself press a little too close - laughing under colorful lights and pounding music, when he’d let himself get lost in the mood. No, he hadn’t kissed anyone, hadn’t even really touched beyond the brushing of his ass against the guy’s crotch as they danced. He doesn’t say it to Blaine because it wouldn’t solve anything.
He’d been lonely, but he hadn’t been... whatever Blaine is.
Depressed.
Left behind.
Alone.
“I forgive you, Blaine. Whatever you did... whatever you were feeling that made you do that, it’s more than just me and you, isn’t it?” Kurt whispers. His hands stroke over Blaine’s back to feel the warmth of his skin through the thin t-shirt he wears. Blaine soaks in the touch, calming again. “Whatever it is, it can get better.”
“I think it must be... But everything seemed not as bad when you were around. I miss you, Kurt. So much.”
“I’ll be around more.” Kurt kisses Blaine’s forehead. “We don’t have to figure out what we are right now, if you need time. In fact, I think that would be best. No pressure, okay? No messing up. Whatever you do - whatever you need to do, it’s better than...” He can’t say the word. “Better than that. But if you need me, I’m here. Even if you don’t need me, I’m here. Unless you tell me you honestly don’t want to you’re visiting me, once a month, and I’m going to come to Lima once a month, and I’m going to call you every morning while we’re getting ready for school and work. You’re going to hear my voice so much you’ll be sick of it.”
For a second Kurt thinks that Blaine is actually going to argue. For one terrifying moment he’s convinced Blaine will say no, that Kurt already failed him once and that Kurt isn’t what he needs at all. He can almost hear Blaine’s voice telling him that there’s nothing Kurt can do to help.
But all Blaine does is smile a little - too sad, but sort of hopeful, maybe a little disbelieving - and Kurt can work with that.
*
Kurt wakes up Monday morning and it feels like he could have gone a year into the past.
Blaine is tucked in front of him, back to Kurt’s front. He’s warm and smells like Blaine and he fits so perfectly. Warmth floods Kurt’s chest, a wonderful feeling,
Until he spots the bandages on Blaine’s wrists.
*
Kurt knows how these things normally work but Carole’s connections and a fresh suicide attempt bump him to the top of the list. Carole manages to get an appointment for Blaine for Tuesday afternoon at three.
Unsure of what else to do, Kurt goes to McKinley. He’d spent the first week of the school year walking these halls feeling like his life had no purpose, like this place (Blaine) were the only things he had left to lean on.
He tries to imagine having to be back here but without everything he loves about the school; his friends (Mercedes, Rachel, Finn, Mike - all gone now) and without Blaine. It’s almost impossible to do.
He walks into the choir room expecting to find no one there, but a couple of people whose faces he barely recognizes from tryouts are practicing a duet. Kurt doesn’t want to interrupt so he stands outside the doorway until Mr. Schue walks by.
“Kurt!” For a split second there’s pleasant surprise and then Mr. Schue just looks sort of stricken, like it takes that long to realize why Kurt might be here.
Kurt doesn’t offer him a hug, not even a handshake. He’s sort of pissed - sort of furious at Mr. Schue for not seeing what was happening to Blaine, the same way he’d been mad at Sam.
“I probably shouldn’t have come,” he says, but then Tina is rushing up to him and throwing her arms around him, then Sugar and Artie wheeling over, and Kurt gives in and just hugs back.
He tells them that Blaine is feeling a little better and doesn’t stay for rehearsal.
*
Kurt is making cookies when Blaine and Carole get home.
Blaine goes straight to Kurt’s bedroom and shuts the door.
“He just needs a little bit of time, I think.” Carole sighs. “I have to call his parents to let them know he’s staying here still.”
“You won’t make him go back there, will you?” Kurt asks. “I don’t know if his dad ever hit him or anything, but even if he never laid a finger on Blaine he’s still an asshole.”
“We’ll see,” Carole says. “He’s eighteen, so legally he can stay here if he chooses to. Your father’s flying in Thursday and we’ll talk to Blaine about it.”
Kurt understands her desire to not make any promises, though he’d really like to be able to walk upstairs and tell Blaine he never has to leave.
He gives it a couple of more minutes and then goes upstairs, too impatient and too afraid of what might happen if Blaine is alone too long.
*
Blaine doesn’t want to talk about the appointment.
Kurt doesn’t push him.
He gives Blaine pajamas (Kurt’s) and puts on one of Blaine’s favorite movies (The Philadelphia Story, a DVD Kurt only owns because Blaine left it after they’d watched it the first time). He brings up a plate full of warm cookies and two tall glasses of milk and finds reassurance in the way Blaine cuddles up to him without even asking or pausing.
“Not exactly the classiest date I’ve ever taken you on, but hopefully it’ll do for now.” Kurt kisses Blaine’s temple.
“I don’t know,” Blaine says. “You brought me Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart. That’s not so bad.”
It’s a joke - a weak one, and Blaine’s heart isn’t fully in it, but Kurt doesn’t even care. Blaine is joking with him. “I’ll try and find something classic on a bigger screen when you come to visit me.”
*
Cooper calls him at eleven pm on Tuesday night.
Blaine stirs and gives Kurt a questioning look when the phone goes off. Kurt kisses his forehead and murmurs for him to go back to sleep. By the time he’s downstairs the phone has already stopped ringing, but he answers when Kurt calls him back.
“I am so sorry,” Cooper says, voice rushed. “I swear I got your message, I did, but life has just been insane-”
“Cooper.” Kurt cuts him off before Cooper can get much more into his long-winded story about the inherent craziness of life in Hollywood. “You know Blaine tried to kill himself, don’t you?”
“I- yeah. Dad told me. I called the house and talked to Blaine’s mom. She said he was staying with friends or something, though - that’s you, right? She kept saying how she thought she’d talked to him earlier, but you know how she gets.” The tone of Cooper’s voice sort of implies he has no great affection for his step-mother. “It’s not all that bad, right? I mean, he’s okay?”
It’s almost touching how Cooper seems to be pleading with Kurt to reassure him, but Kurt knows it’s as much to assuage his own guilt as it is genuine concern for Blaine.
“I think I’m free to visit around Christmas,” Cooper says, just before they end the call. “Tell Blaine I’ll call back soon, okay? Tell him I love him.”
Kurt is pretty sure Cooper is telling the truth when he says he loves Blaine, but he’s also pretty sure Cooper won’t be calling back since he chose to call Kurt and not Blaine in the first place.
He doesn’t pass any messages along to Blaine.
*
“I don’t want you coming to the airport with me,” Kurt says. They’re sitting on the bed in Kurt’s room, the carry on Kurt had hastily packed a week before sitting beside them.
Kurt is about three hundred percent sure that if he has to see Blaine looking hurt he'll never get out of the car, never get on the plane.
Blaine just shrugs. He has barely said a word to anyone all morning, but he keeps staring at Kurt with a grim sort of resignation.
“Blaine.” Kurt waits until Blaine looks at him. “You’re going to be okay.”
Blaine takes his time again. “I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like I will. But I want to try. I want... something to look forward to again.”
“Then look forward to us. Our life. Know that I’m looking forward to it, too. I hate that I have this year’s head start on being there, but everything I do is a step toward you being there with me. Blaine, even when I was being too caught up in the internship to answer your calls, please still know that it was true. It never, never crossed my mind that you might not end up there with me until that awful night you visited.”
“But after that?” Blaine asks. “You stopped wanting me there.”
“No, I didn’t.” It’s true; Kurt hadn’t entirely been sure of how it would happen for a while there, but despite giving it honest effort he still hadn’t been able to fathom a life without Blaine by his side. “I was confused, and I was hurt, but you don’t just stop feeling that way about someone.”
Kurt brings Blaine’s hand to his mouth and kisses it - something Blaine used to do to him. Kurt had always joked that it was Blaine’s silver screen persona coming out.
Blaine has tears in his eyes. “The psychologist wants to meet with me again before she writes a prescription, but I’m going to go on the anti-depressants. I was... I didn’t tell you, because I was embarrassed, but I was on them once before.”
“After the bashing?”
Blaine nods. “I should have told you. It just... it wasn’t like this before. And I got to Dalton and things got better. I got better, and I didn’t need them anymore.”
“So now you need them again. Blaine, honey, there’s no shame in that.” Kurt cups Blaine’s cheek and Blaine leans into the touch. “We’re going to get through this. Now I have to leave, so come downstairs and give me a hug and tell me you love me.”
Downstairs, in front of Sam and Carole, Blaine hugs Kurt tightly. Kurt doesn’t even try to pretend that they both aren’t crying. “I love you,” Blaine whispers in his ear.
Kurt steps back, wiping at his eyes. “I love you, too. I’ll call you as soon as my plane lands, okay? And I’ll see you in a few weeks.”
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Word Count: 4358
Notes: Post 4x04 reaction fic. Blangst is my crack, you guys. I'm sorry. (But it has as happy/hopeful an ending as possible.)
Warnings: Attempted suicide. Not in hugely graphic detail, but still - it's there.
Also on AO3.
Kurt is flying out the door with his bag clutched against his chest and a stack of papers in his hand when he gets the phone call. He doesn't answer until the fifth ring, risking that it will go to voicemail in favor of catching the elevator. It's just his dad; he'll call back if he really needs something.
He's breathless from the run, gasping out, "Hey, Dad, I can't really-"
"Kurt, I got something to tell you." Burt's voice is grim enough to stop Kurt in his tracks. "It ain't good."
"Is it - are you okay, Dad, is it your h-"
"It's not me, I'm fine." Burt cuts him off.
"Dad?" Kurt's voice goes very, very small. "What happened?"
"Buddy, it's... it's Blaine."
*
Kurt narrowly manages to avoid puking in the elevator.
He tells his father that he'll call him right back, drops the papers on his desk (Isabelle is waiting for them, but that's the last thought on his mind) and goes straight into the men's bathroom and doesn't come out for five minutes. Someone knocks on the stall to ask if he's okay, but he ignores it.
He walks out of the stall feeling worse than before. He splashes water on his face, rinses his mouth out, and stares down at his phone.
He opens his text messages.
Four from Blaine in the past two days.
The last one just says Kurt, I can't do this anymore.
*
"I thought he meant us, Dad." Kurt is curled in on himself.
He's not even entirely sure how he made it back to his apartment. Blind luck and newly earned muscle memory had seen him to the right trains, blessedly emptier midday than the normal work rush he's used to.
"Kurt, buddy, you couldn't have known." Burt is trying his damnest to be there for his son, probably ignoring his own much heftier responsibilities.
"But I could have - I should have. If I'd talked to him... I just ignored it, though. I thought he was saying he was through trying and oh, God, Dad, I was so mad at him. I hated him for giving up on us even though I haven't given him any reason to think we weren't broken up, but I just-" The words are choked by tears.
Kurt thought Blaine cheating on him was painful, but it's nothing compared to this. Kurt thought they needed time, but the realization that he had absolutely no idea what Blaine really needed is like a sucker punch that won't let up. "Dad, can I come home?"
"Of course, kiddo. Of course you can. Call your boss, figure that out, then use the emergency card. I'll let Carole know to expect you."
*
Isabelle is a saint, but not a miracle worker. She gives him the rest of the week (Thursday and Friday) under guise of family emergency and says that if he calls in Monday with some suddenly acquired highly infectious illness she can swing a couple more days before his internship is in danger.
He wants to care but right now he's numb to anything but Blaine. He doesn't even leave a note for Rachel, can't think of how to say it.
Dear roomie, my boyfriend tried to kill himself so I'm headed home for a visit, don't forget to water the plants.
So he says nothing, trusting that the McKinley gossip mill will tell her what she needs to know.
*
This is not how he imagined his first visit back would be.
Carole picks him up, hugs him and mothers him. Somehow it just makes him feel worse. He wonders if Blaine's mother is with him now at the hospital.
"Carole?" The hospital. "How did Dad know? About Blaine?"
Carole has a pinched look to her face. "Honey, I was on duty when they brought him in."
"Oh, God," Kurt says softly. He's not sure why, but that makes it more real. "How did he do it?"
"He..." Carole looks a little sick, too. Kurt thinks of the past year and a half, all the Friday night dinners, the sleepovers. The time he walked into the kitchen and found Blaine and Carole making breakfast, Blaine looking at her like if she offered to adopt him he'd accept in a second. "He cut himself. He lost... a lot of blood."
"Who found him?"
"Kurt, I shouldn't-"
"Who found him? Please, I just..."
"The cleaning lady," Carole admits. "But his parents have been called, they're on their way."
*
Some time between getting on the plane in New York and landing in Lima, people began to text him. Tina and Sam both make an attempt at gently breaking the news. Brittany's just says 'I think Blaine's heart needs a band aid.'
He doesn't respond to any of those, but he does send a text to Cooper Anderson.
*
Blaine's father is standing outside of his hospital room, arms crossed and talking heatedly with a nurse that looks like she'd rather be just about anywhere.
Kurt should probably stop and say hi first. He should probably ask if he can even see Blaine.
But if he stops and asks there's a chance he'll be told no, and he won't risk that. He slips into the room and - oh, God, it's a million times worse than he could have ever imagined.
Because it's just Blaine.
No, not just. There's nothing just about it.
Because it's Blaine.
Kurt's hand covers his mouth and he can barely see for the tears.
Blaine looks at him like he's utterly lost, exhausted and overwhelmed and lost. He looks at Kurt like he doesn't think Kurt is really there, like he doesn't trust his own eyes.
Kurt walks over to him. Blaine's wrists are bandaged and an IV pumps into his veins. He's so pale and there are circles under his eyes, stubble on his cheeks and hair curling wildly. He's so very much not the boy that Kurt called his in appearance. He has no idea what to say to this Blaine, but apparently Blaine still knows just what to say to Kurt.
"It's not your fault."
*
They sit in silence for long minutes.
"I love you," Kurt finally offers. He can barely meet Blaine's eyes. "I love you, and I'm sorry."
"I hurt you." Blaine says it simply. "And you had no reason to dwell - you had every reason not to."
He doesn't even sound bitter. He doesn't sound hurt, not like the night he visited New York. He just sounds resigned. Bleak and resigned and it makes Kurt start to cry again, not what Blaine says but the way he says it. "I love you, and I was too mad at you to do anything about it, but one stupid mistake does not mean we're over or that you aren’t still the most important person in my world."
Blaine says nothing again for a long time.
Through the window, Kurt can see Mr. Anderson still arguing with someone.
"I couldn't breathe anymore without you," Blaine says. "I still can't, Kurt."
"You can." Kurt can't grab Blaine's hand, doesn't want to hurt him, so he wraps his fingers around Blaine's upper arm instead. His voice breaks over the next few words. "I remember what you said. You said you were alone. I'm not going to let that happen again."
"You don't owe me anything, Kurt. My fucked up existence doesn't rest on your shoulders." There so, so much emptiness there. Kurt’s never heard Blaine sound like this. His voice, just like the way he looks - it's like a different person, but not, because...
Because it’s Blaine.
"I owe you everything, Blaine. And you're not alone." He's prepared to repeat it at the end of everything he says to Blaine if that's what it takes.
*
Blaine's father leaves without saying anything else to him.
Kurt doesn't ask about Blaine's mother. He's met her enough times to know that sometimes she's just not coherent enough to understand what's going on.
He wonders why, with all of his mothers prescriptions laying around, Blaine picked a razor blade.
He thinks about how much it must have hurt, and how much blood there must have been. He thinks about the scars it will probably leave and he's almost sick again.
But he doesn't leave Blaine's side.
*
Kurt only goes home once to shower and change clothes. He hates the idea of even doing that, hates it even more when he gets back and there's surprise on Blaine's face.
"I told you I wasn't leaving," Kurt says, sitting on the edge of the bed. He leans over and kisses Blaine's forehead.
Blaine lets him. Blaine hasn't denied Kurt anything. He still lets Kurt in like it wouldn't even occur to him not to. Kurt is only beginning to realize how fragile of a thing that is... someone that needs him, that relies on him. He shouldn't be the only thing in Blaine's life keeping him going, but healthy or not right now maybe he is, and Kurt can't just throw that away.
*
He has to step outside when people come in to talk to Blaine.
There are four or five of them total. Blaine seems more bothered after each one.
"They want to send me somewhere," he says to Kurt. "For further psychiatric evaluation. But I don't think my parents are going to okay it. I hope they don't. Dad told the doctors I was just acting out."
God, Blaine's father is an asshole.
"You need to talk to someone, though." Kurt sits close on the bed, brushing his fingers through Blaine's hair. It's gone curly, not a hint of gel in it. His cheeks are scruffy but more gaunt and there are circles under his eyes. He looks like shit, but he's Blaine... he's Blaine and he's alive and that makes him beautiful to Kurt.
Blaine just nods.
Then he bites his bottom lip and, for the first time since Kurt arrived, his eyes fill with tears. "I'm sorry."
Kurt doesn't tell him there's no reason to apologize and he doesn't tell him that it's okay. Instead he says, "So am I, and I love you. I'm not going anywhere."
*
Carole comes by every hour or two during her hospital shift, and stays when she’s done. He can see the old Blaine mask slipping back into place with her: polite to a fault, embarrassed but trying to charm his way around it. In a way it's reassuring but Kurt knows how not right it is right now. It’s like a costume that doesn’t fit quite right, because his face still crumples into almost-tears when she pats his hair, and he still stares off into space more than he tries to talk to them.
After forty-eight hours of observation, Blaine is released from the hospital. It's Saturday morning and the weather is perfect outside, like no one sent mother nature the memo that something awful has just happened.
"Would you rather go home?" Kurt asks, looking him in the eye like that will make Blaine tell the truth somehow.
Blaine shakes his head.
Mr. Anderson sends a car but Blaine doesn't protest when Kurt leads him to Carole's SUV instead.
*
Blaine sleeps most of the day in Kurt's bed.
Sam comes in briefly, and then says he thought they might need some space, so he’s going to crash with Artie for the weekend.
Kurt recognizes the guilt on his face, but he can’t bring himself to reassure Sam because part of him is just as angry at the people that should have been Blaine’s friends as he is at himself. At least he has the excuse of not being here physically to see the spiral; how did Sam and the rest of the club not see, though?
Later, he’ll be more rational about it. For now, he’s glad Sam is making himself scarce.
Kurt sits downstairs with Carole and talks until his throat hurts and his head aches from more crying. He hugs her long and hard because he has someone, he has her - and his dad, and Rachel if he could manage to duct-tape her mouth shut long enough to stop talking about her problems, and Finn-
Cooper hasn’t even replied to Kurt’s text yet.
*
When Kurt can’t keep his head up any longer, Carole sends him upstairs to bed.
There’s a moment before he walks into his bedroom where his heart pounds, like he’s not sure what he’ll find... but it’s just Blaine curled up in bed, those awful bandages over his wrists. He’s kicked the covers mostly off and his face is tight with pain or some unpleasant dream.
“Blaine?” Kurt whispers, sitting on the edge of the bed. He runs his fingers over Blaine’s hair again (Blaine loves that so much, when his hair isn’t flattened by the gel). “Honey, wake up.”
He jerks awake with a little cry, curling in tighter on himself. His chest hitches and he’s crying, just like that, right away. “Kurt.”
Kurt doesn’t hesitate now, getting into the bed and pulling Blaine against him. “I’m here.”
*
On Sunday Carole sits down with Blaine while Kurt makes them lunch.
Kurt never asks what she says, but Blaine tells him that afternoon in a halting voice that he’s going to stay with them for a while. His father is flying out again and he doesn’t want to be left alone.
Kurt is so relieved that he cries again, and this time it’s Blaine that holds him close.
Blaine says he’s going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday and he’s asked Carole to go with him. Carole knows people, she can make sure he gets in quickly.
Blaine won’t be alone. Blaine will get help. Blaine will be okay.
*
“When are you leaving?” Blaine asks on Sunday night, a tremor in his voice. They’re still in Kurt’s bed. Blaine hasn’t really felt like moving. He hadn’t even showered until Kurt had pushed him to, saying he’d feel better clean.
He’s pretty sure Blaine doesn’t feel better at all. He’s still crying on and off, and he’s tried to leave once, overcome with humiliation over something.
(“Not getting the job done,” he’d muttered darkly when Kurt had asked, and Kurt had to hold him too tightly after that.)
For a brief moment, Kurt wants to tell Blaine never. He wants say that he’s not letting Blaine out of his sight, that he’ll stay in Lima and take community college classes, that he’ll quit his internship and have Rachel ship his stuff back.
But he can’t quit his internship. He can’t leave Rachel with a year long lease and no way to pay all the rent. He can’t just... come back.
Life doesn’t work like that.
“Wednesday.” It’s a day longer than Isabelle had given him permission for, but if his flight gets in early enough he can go straight to the office and show up for a half day.
Blaine just sort of nods. “All right. Thank you for... coming here. You didn’t have to. I know we’re broken up, but you’re still letting me into your life.”
“Blaine.” Kurt’s heart feels like it’s squeezing impossibly tight in his chest. “We’re not broken up unless you want us to be.”
“Why not?” The mask slips again and Blaine just sounds tired and hurt and hopeless. “I cheated on you, Kurt.”
“And I was hurt. I was angry. I shut you out. I wasn’t doing either of us any favors, Blaine, I realize that. I didn’t know how to handle being away from you, either.”
“But you didn’t go to another guy.”
Kurt thinks of dancing in a club, when he’d let himself press a little too close - laughing under colorful lights and pounding music, when he’d let himself get lost in the mood. No, he hadn’t kissed anyone, hadn’t even really touched beyond the brushing of his ass against the guy’s crotch as they danced. He doesn’t say it to Blaine because it wouldn’t solve anything.
He’d been lonely, but he hadn’t been... whatever Blaine is.
Depressed.
Left behind.
Alone.
“I forgive you, Blaine. Whatever you did... whatever you were feeling that made you do that, it’s more than just me and you, isn’t it?” Kurt whispers. His hands stroke over Blaine’s back to feel the warmth of his skin through the thin t-shirt he wears. Blaine soaks in the touch, calming again. “Whatever it is, it can get better.”
“I think it must be... But everything seemed not as bad when you were around. I miss you, Kurt. So much.”
“I’ll be around more.” Kurt kisses Blaine’s forehead. “We don’t have to figure out what we are right now, if you need time. In fact, I think that would be best. No pressure, okay? No messing up. Whatever you do - whatever you need to do, it’s better than...” He can’t say the word. “Better than that. But if you need me, I’m here. Even if you don’t need me, I’m here. Unless you tell me you honestly don’t want to you’re visiting me, once a month, and I’m going to come to Lima once a month, and I’m going to call you every morning while we’re getting ready for school and work. You’re going to hear my voice so much you’ll be sick of it.”
For a second Kurt thinks that Blaine is actually going to argue. For one terrifying moment he’s convinced Blaine will say no, that Kurt already failed him once and that Kurt isn’t what he needs at all. He can almost hear Blaine’s voice telling him that there’s nothing Kurt can do to help.
But all Blaine does is smile a little - too sad, but sort of hopeful, maybe a little disbelieving - and Kurt can work with that.
*
Kurt wakes up Monday morning and it feels like he could have gone a year into the past.
Blaine is tucked in front of him, back to Kurt’s front. He’s warm and smells like Blaine and he fits so perfectly. Warmth floods Kurt’s chest, a wonderful feeling,
Until he spots the bandages on Blaine’s wrists.
*
Kurt knows how these things normally work but Carole’s connections and a fresh suicide attempt bump him to the top of the list. Carole manages to get an appointment for Blaine for Tuesday afternoon at three.
Unsure of what else to do, Kurt goes to McKinley. He’d spent the first week of the school year walking these halls feeling like his life had no purpose, like this place (Blaine) were the only things he had left to lean on.
He tries to imagine having to be back here but without everything he loves about the school; his friends (Mercedes, Rachel, Finn, Mike - all gone now) and without Blaine. It’s almost impossible to do.
He walks into the choir room expecting to find no one there, but a couple of people whose faces he barely recognizes from tryouts are practicing a duet. Kurt doesn’t want to interrupt so he stands outside the doorway until Mr. Schue walks by.
“Kurt!” For a split second there’s pleasant surprise and then Mr. Schue just looks sort of stricken, like it takes that long to realize why Kurt might be here.
Kurt doesn’t offer him a hug, not even a handshake. He’s sort of pissed - sort of furious at Mr. Schue for not seeing what was happening to Blaine, the same way he’d been mad at Sam.
“I probably shouldn’t have come,” he says, but then Tina is rushing up to him and throwing her arms around him, then Sugar and Artie wheeling over, and Kurt gives in and just hugs back.
He tells them that Blaine is feeling a little better and doesn’t stay for rehearsal.
*
Kurt is making cookies when Blaine and Carole get home.
Blaine goes straight to Kurt’s bedroom and shuts the door.
“He just needs a little bit of time, I think.” Carole sighs. “I have to call his parents to let them know he’s staying here still.”
“You won’t make him go back there, will you?” Kurt asks. “I don’t know if his dad ever hit him or anything, but even if he never laid a finger on Blaine he’s still an asshole.”
“We’ll see,” Carole says. “He’s eighteen, so legally he can stay here if he chooses to. Your father’s flying in Thursday and we’ll talk to Blaine about it.”
Kurt understands her desire to not make any promises, though he’d really like to be able to walk upstairs and tell Blaine he never has to leave.
He gives it a couple of more minutes and then goes upstairs, too impatient and too afraid of what might happen if Blaine is alone too long.
*
Blaine doesn’t want to talk about the appointment.
Kurt doesn’t push him.
He gives Blaine pajamas (Kurt’s) and puts on one of Blaine’s favorite movies (The Philadelphia Story, a DVD Kurt only owns because Blaine left it after they’d watched it the first time). He brings up a plate full of warm cookies and two tall glasses of milk and finds reassurance in the way Blaine cuddles up to him without even asking or pausing.
“Not exactly the classiest date I’ve ever taken you on, but hopefully it’ll do for now.” Kurt kisses Blaine’s temple.
“I don’t know,” Blaine says. “You brought me Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart. That’s not so bad.”
It’s a joke - a weak one, and Blaine’s heart isn’t fully in it, but Kurt doesn’t even care. Blaine is joking with him. “I’ll try and find something classic on a bigger screen when you come to visit me.”
*
Cooper calls him at eleven pm on Tuesday night.
Blaine stirs and gives Kurt a questioning look when the phone goes off. Kurt kisses his forehead and murmurs for him to go back to sleep. By the time he’s downstairs the phone has already stopped ringing, but he answers when Kurt calls him back.
“I am so sorry,” Cooper says, voice rushed. “I swear I got your message, I did, but life has just been insane-”
“Cooper.” Kurt cuts him off before Cooper can get much more into his long-winded story about the inherent craziness of life in Hollywood. “You know Blaine tried to kill himself, don’t you?”
“I- yeah. Dad told me. I called the house and talked to Blaine’s mom. She said he was staying with friends or something, though - that’s you, right? She kept saying how she thought she’d talked to him earlier, but you know how she gets.” The tone of Cooper’s voice sort of implies he has no great affection for his step-mother. “It’s not all that bad, right? I mean, he’s okay?”
It’s almost touching how Cooper seems to be pleading with Kurt to reassure him, but Kurt knows it’s as much to assuage his own guilt as it is genuine concern for Blaine.
“I think I’m free to visit around Christmas,” Cooper says, just before they end the call. “Tell Blaine I’ll call back soon, okay? Tell him I love him.”
Kurt is pretty sure Cooper is telling the truth when he says he loves Blaine, but he’s also pretty sure Cooper won’t be calling back since he chose to call Kurt and not Blaine in the first place.
He doesn’t pass any messages along to Blaine.
*
“I don’t want you coming to the airport with me,” Kurt says. They’re sitting on the bed in Kurt’s room, the carry on Kurt had hastily packed a week before sitting beside them.
Kurt is about three hundred percent sure that if he has to see Blaine looking hurt he'll never get out of the car, never get on the plane.
Blaine just shrugs. He has barely said a word to anyone all morning, but he keeps staring at Kurt with a grim sort of resignation.
“Blaine.” Kurt waits until Blaine looks at him. “You’re going to be okay.”
Blaine takes his time again. “I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like I will. But I want to try. I want... something to look forward to again.”
“Then look forward to us. Our life. Know that I’m looking forward to it, too. I hate that I have this year’s head start on being there, but everything I do is a step toward you being there with me. Blaine, even when I was being too caught up in the internship to answer your calls, please still know that it was true. It never, never crossed my mind that you might not end up there with me until that awful night you visited.”
“But after that?” Blaine asks. “You stopped wanting me there.”
“No, I didn’t.” It’s true; Kurt hadn’t entirely been sure of how it would happen for a while there, but despite giving it honest effort he still hadn’t been able to fathom a life without Blaine by his side. “I was confused, and I was hurt, but you don’t just stop feeling that way about someone.”
Kurt brings Blaine’s hand to his mouth and kisses it - something Blaine used to do to him. Kurt had always joked that it was Blaine’s silver screen persona coming out.
Blaine has tears in his eyes. “The psychologist wants to meet with me again before she writes a prescription, but I’m going to go on the anti-depressants. I was... I didn’t tell you, because I was embarrassed, but I was on them once before.”
“After the bashing?”
Blaine nods. “I should have told you. It just... it wasn’t like this before. And I got to Dalton and things got better. I got better, and I didn’t need them anymore.”
“So now you need them again. Blaine, honey, there’s no shame in that.” Kurt cups Blaine’s cheek and Blaine leans into the touch. “We’re going to get through this. Now I have to leave, so come downstairs and give me a hug and tell me you love me.”
Downstairs, in front of Sam and Carole, Blaine hugs Kurt tightly. Kurt doesn’t even try to pretend that they both aren’t crying. “I love you,” Blaine whispers in his ear.
Kurt steps back, wiping at his eyes. “I love you, too. I’ll call you as soon as my plane lands, okay? And I’ll see you in a few weeks.”