a heart so big...
A girl in our theatre department died this past weekend. She was in a car accident. I didn't know her terribly well, but she was such a sweet girl. I always noticed her. She was very thin, and pretty, and seemed to be so sure of herself; very confident, and happy. She couldn't not walk into the room and me not notice her. I don't know why. It's almost as if I was jealous of her. She was so outgoing and confident. It's such a sad thing. Everyone in the theatre department is kind of down.
Her death made me think. A lot. My grandma has been really sick lately. since june actually. Theres too much detail with it, and I jsut dont feel like going into it. She is doing somewhat better, but is still not home. A friend asked me if I was ready for the worst. I said no. I don't think anyone is. In all honesty its like she will never die. I don't know what I would do. My grandma is the person I look up to most in life. She always held our family together and always had a smile. She is such a classy, so put together, beautiful lady. I want to be jsut like she is. It was so hard to go there over the summer and see her soooo depressed and sick. I just wanted to hug her and make her feel better.
Then I thought about Ann-Marie. She died three years ago at the end of august. I thought about how me losing my grandma would be nothing compared to losing a wife or a mother, or a Daughter...like Mary. She was only 19. The same age as Paul when he died in a car accident.
Then I thought about me....I thought about how at any point someone I know or love could just be taken away, and how I was making decisions that were so selfish...where all I worried about was me, not how I could hurt my family.
I thought about my dysplasia...I have a doctors appointment on thursday, and Im so nervous. What if it didn't all go away? What if it comes back? What if there is something else wrong? I've wanted to have children all my life, sooo badly. What if I can't? I don't know what I would do. It's a scary thought to think of your own mortality and your own imperfections...that you aren't invincible.
I miss my friends. I miss Christy a lot. I just want to go back in time where we spent every weekend at each others houses, and would stay up all night talking about nothing and everything. It used to be like that. Then I got a boyfriend and spent all my time with him. I put off all my friends...I don't like that. I don't want to do that. I have to find some sort of happy medium between the two.
Mr. Burns called me yesterday, and it made my day. I almost started crying. Mr Burns is awesome, and after having to deal with Mary, and everything else, and him telling me how proud he is of me and my sister...it was so nice. I miss having someone older to talk to about everything. I want to talk to Patrick, but I don't know how to open up. I like Patrick a lot. He is my favorite professor. He sees something in me that no one else sees..even me. It makes me happy to have someone believe in you.
I guess I just wanted to get that all off my chest. So many thoughts when someone dies. It is funny how someone whom you didn't even really know can affect you. It takes a very special person to be able to do that...Thank you Mary. You have made me want to be a more confident person, and to enjoy every day that I have on this earth.
"and if you were with me tonight, id sing to you just one time. a song for a heart so big, God wouldnt let it live."
Her death made me think. A lot. My grandma has been really sick lately. since june actually. Theres too much detail with it, and I jsut dont feel like going into it. She is doing somewhat better, but is still not home. A friend asked me if I was ready for the worst. I said no. I don't think anyone is. In all honesty its like she will never die. I don't know what I would do. My grandma is the person I look up to most in life. She always held our family together and always had a smile. She is such a classy, so put together, beautiful lady. I want to be jsut like she is. It was so hard to go there over the summer and see her soooo depressed and sick. I just wanted to hug her and make her feel better.
Then I thought about Ann-Marie. She died three years ago at the end of august. I thought about how me losing my grandma would be nothing compared to losing a wife or a mother, or a Daughter...like Mary. She was only 19. The same age as Paul when he died in a car accident.
Then I thought about me....I thought about how at any point someone I know or love could just be taken away, and how I was making decisions that were so selfish...where all I worried about was me, not how I could hurt my family.
I thought about my dysplasia...I have a doctors appointment on thursday, and Im so nervous. What if it didn't all go away? What if it comes back? What if there is something else wrong? I've wanted to have children all my life, sooo badly. What if I can't? I don't know what I would do. It's a scary thought to think of your own mortality and your own imperfections...that you aren't invincible.
I miss my friends. I miss Christy a lot. I just want to go back in time where we spent every weekend at each others houses, and would stay up all night talking about nothing and everything. It used to be like that. Then I got a boyfriend and spent all my time with him. I put off all my friends...I don't like that. I don't want to do that. I have to find some sort of happy medium between the two.
Mr. Burns called me yesterday, and it made my day. I almost started crying. Mr Burns is awesome, and after having to deal with Mary, and everything else, and him telling me how proud he is of me and my sister...it was so nice. I miss having someone older to talk to about everything. I want to talk to Patrick, but I don't know how to open up. I like Patrick a lot. He is my favorite professor. He sees something in me that no one else sees..even me. It makes me happy to have someone believe in you.
I guess I just wanted to get that all off my chest. So many thoughts when someone dies. It is funny how someone whom you didn't even really know can affect you. It takes a very special person to be able to do that...Thank you Mary. You have made me want to be a more confident person, and to enjoy every day that I have on this earth.
"and if you were with me tonight, id sing to you just one time. a song for a heart so big, God wouldnt let it live."