Fic updates -- Remix & Family Reunion
First, a note to readers: I know there were some people on the kuroxfai comm who were following my fic Family Portrait. I've written two more chapters in addition to the first three, and the fic is now complete. However, because the focus of the last two chapters is really more on Yuui, Tomoyo and their children than on Kurogane and Fai, I thought it might not be appropriate to post directly on the comm.
Instead I'll just link it: the last two chapters of Family Portrait can be found here.
( Love was never about men and women for me. Love was about Kurogane. )
Crossposting my fic for the remix challenge, "Pure Heart, White Mage."
Title: Pure Heart, White Mage
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, religious themes
Summary: Kidnapping, curses, and assassination - and at the middle of it all is the Puritan Church. In the midst of a political and magical upheaval, Fai must face the choice between preserving his faith - and protecting those he loves.
Author's Notes: This fic was written for the remix challenge held in October 2011. The fic being remixed is Black Cat, White Mage by sweetjerry.
Since in the original fic, the Puritan Church were the bad guys of the piece, with the Libertarians being led by Queen Nadesiko, in this remix that's turned on its head: all of the main characters are members of the Puritan Church, and the Libertarians are a breakaway sect led by the sinister Fei Wong Reed!
Black cat, white mage can be read at the following links - Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
As many good stories do, this one begins with a princess spirited away in the night. Except of course, that's not the whole truth of it. A story has many beginnings, all of them equally important. And in this particular story, a good number of events are just as essential as the king and queen finding the princess' cot empty one morning.
This story also begins with a magician who decided to break away from the church that had he had served all his life, in order to gather like-minded souls around him and preach the doctrines of Hell. It begins with a blessed knight in shining armor who went to fight in God's name in a distant land, and saw more hideous things done in God's name than he had ever seen in his nightmares. It begins with a young boy crawling into the sheltered lintel of a church doorway to escape the rain, shivering and alone, never knowing that a new life awaited him on the other side. It begins with a dissipated old king forsaking his wife and daughters and rebelling against all godly law and tradition, in search of a woman who could bear him a male heir.
One beginning of this story - perhaps the most important one - concerns two priests who took vows of purity and chastity in the sight of God, and the two men whom they fell in love with, and the one who chose to honor his vows and the other who did not.
But for the purposes of telling this very story, which would undoubtedly be a horribly tangled mess if one was to attempt to pursue all parts of it at once, the princess gone missing is a good way to start.
Fai ran through the hallways with his heart in his mouth, dodging around the brothers and sisters with hasty, breathless apologies as his feet pounded against the tile floor. It was almost two miles from the College of Mages to the dormitories housing the local chapter of the Knights Templar, and he had run most of the way - after the news he'd heard, he could hardly do less.
He had walked these same corridors hundreds of time, and the beauty of the polished tile floors, the exquisitely detailed paintings on the walls, and the splashes of vivid light spilling through the round stained-glass windows above had never failed to bring peace to his mind and wonder to his spirit. But not today.
He burst through the door without knocking, and his heart plummeted into his shoes as he took in the details of the small room; the clothes and equipment spread out on the bed, halfway through the process of packing. The bare emptiness of the display case under the window, where the mark of the Miles Christi should have hung. The tall, heavyset man with the messy hair and the forge-hot eyes and the left arm missing below the elbow, the sight of whom had never failed to bring light to his eyes and joy to his heart. But not today.
"Going somewhere?" Fai inquired, and it took all the self-possession he owned to make it a light, teasing query and not an accusation.
Kurogane looked at him for a long moment, then set his jaw tightly and turned back to his packing. "Rumor travels faster than prayer, they say," he said in a flat voice. "I see it's true."
"How? How could you leave?" The words burst out of Fai in a rush, and he could hear his own fear, his own neediness in the frantic accusation of his tone. "You were always the most righteous, the greatest among all the sacred knights. You're an inspiration to all the younger ones. Why would you abandon them - abandon us?"
"You wouldn't understand," Kurogane said in a tone of quiet disgust. "And you won't like the answer, so don't ask."
"But why?" Fai asked in a fit of frustration. The Holy Sorcerers and the Knights Templar were brother Orders under the Puritan church - they ran by different tempos, but Kurogane had been stationed in this compound almost as long as Fai had. Indeed, he'd taken pains to assure that he would not be transferred somewhere else, as he found himself preferring Kurogane's company over anyone else's.
Part of it was deep-seated respect and admiration, for Kurogane was the very epitome of a knight in shining armor. Already the scourge of the bandits of the north by the time he'd joined the Order, he lost his arm defending the walled town of Rauma from an unexpected raid from over the Nihon border. Despite being the only belted knight in the town he'd held them off for three days before a troop of Miletes Christi arrived to lift the siege, his matchless faith and spectacular military prowess inspiring the timid agricolae to join in the defense of the walls with only mattocks and shovels to use as weapons. He'd been awarded a ribbon from King Fujitaka for that, as well as a commendation and blessing from the Holy Father himself.
Even before then, he'd been as well known for his humility and piety as for his fearsome skills in combat; there was a story told to all the new squires about the time he'd been late for a ceremony because he'd given his horse to an old woodcutter struggling under his load, and walked back to town in the dust. When asked, he only commented that he'd never liked that horse.
He embodied all the virtues of charity and faith that a knight was supposed to possess, and he'd become almost a walking legend. But there was more than admiration for his virtues that attracted him to Kurogane, Fai admitted to himself when he was being honest. Kurogane was not only strong but well-formed, tall and graceful, with a face as strikingly beautiful as an archangel. Many times Fai had visited his chambers in the Templar's wing after vespers and not departed until near dawn, losing himself in the thoughtful conversation and dreamlike trance of Kurogane's presence. At times he'd even seen a heat in Kurogane's eyes that matched the dark stirrings in his own body, and he always had to be careful to pull himself back, lest the accidental brush of his fingers over Kurogane's should turn into something more dangerous.
The thought of life in this sleepy village without Kurogane nearly paralyzed him with the panic of loss, and he desperately sought some justification for Kurogane's unthinkable desertion. "Do you feel like you can't fight any more? Is it - is it because of -" His hand flickered out hesitantly to indicate Kurogane's missing arm.
"What, this? After the months I spent learning to fight all over again one-handed?" Kurogane snorted at the very idea. "Hell, no. It wasn't losing my arm that made this decision for me. It was losing my faith."
"Then why?" Fai said passionately. "Of all the people to lose their way to darkness and leave the path of the Templars, I never thought it would be you! You always believed, you always served, you carried the banner of the Knights Templar into battle in the Holy Land, and -"
"And you never have!" Kurogane snarled, spinning to face Fai once again. The sheer venom and fury in his voice took Fai aback; he'd never seen this look on Kurogane's face before, never. "So don't get on your high horse and lecture me, Revered Mage; you don't know what you're talking about and you have no right to judge me!"
Fai sat back on his heels, the wind taken out of his sails. More protestations crowded in his throat, but he was at a loss to express them - at a loss to find words to wrap around his shock and disbelief that Kurogane could actually consider leaving the Puritan Church, actually consider turning his back on God, no matter what the cause. Only heretics and apostates did that, but he knew Kurogane too well to believe that he had fallen into such evil; and confusion battled with betrayal and heartbreak and anger within him.
"The things I saw there - the things I saw done - have made sure that any spark of piety I felt is long since dead and drowned," Kurogane said in a low, taut voice. "The pious glory of the Templars is all a lie, I've seen through it now. The Pax Dei is just a bunch of pretty-sounding words. As soon as they think they can get away with it, those 'holy knights' degrade into the worst beasts that the whole of humanity has to offer."
"What are you talking about?" Fai said uneasily. "Are you saying that these things - these things which so shook your faith - were done by our own side?"
"I saw men wearing this symbol -" Kurogane's one hand crumpled around the tabard that usually covered his armor, and flung it violently to the floor. "- Saw them cut the throats of matrons and children huddling in their kitchens, saw them fire buildings where old men and women lay bedridden. I saw them drag maidens and young boys screaming into their tents, and their own fellows set on me when I moved to stop them! Unless you're going to try to tell me that since those were infidel babies and elders, mothers and daughters and sons, that slaughtering and defiling them in defiance of the Pax is righteous?"
"No!" Fai said, shocked by the litany of horrors Kurogane recounted. He'd always known in an objective, distant way that war always led to such atrocities - but he hadn't believed, had never imagined that the same would go for the holy war that was the Crusades. He'd wanted to believe that the men of the Puritan Church were better than that - because he knew that Kurogane was.
Kurogane turned his back on Fai. "So don't you talk to me about darkness, Brother Fai, because there's none to match the evil that hides under the glitter and shine of the Templar's armor. I won't stay under the same roof as such men. I'd rather sleep in the gutter for the rest of my days than share their wine again."
"But, Kurogane," Fai tried to persuade him, tried to get him to see reason. "That corruption comes from men, not from God. We are born with sin, and we need to grace of God to uplift us from it. Even the best of men can be weak against temptation, can succumb to it. It's the duty of the church to guide them away from that, to teach them how to strive for honor and kindness and charity and not to give in to their worst instincts."
"So they say," Kurogane said bitingly. "And I used to believe it, too - until I saw my own commander turn his back on the atrocities those men committed, to pretend it never happened. Hell, he did all except put the papal seal on rape and murder!"
That was impossible, Fai thought incredulously. No servant of the Church could ever be so base, so callous, as to deliberately turn a blind eye to his own soldiers violating the Acts of War. But he knew Kurogane too well to think that he could lie - he could only be mistaken. "Then report him as well!" he exhorted. "If corruption has really set root in the Order of Templars at that level, then take it to the Archbishop himself!"
"And find out just how high up the corruption goes?" Kurogane shook his head. "This wasn't a freak occurrence, mage. I took it to the commandant as soon as I returned - I just got back from that meeting. He claimed there was nothing he could do to stop it - he all but came out and said this was expected to happen, that they give the Knights free rein to run riot as soon as a new town as conquered, because it's the only way to keep them in line the rest of the time. And the Council doesn't give a damn about the dirty little details of what happens on the front lines of the Crusade as long as money and converts keep trickling in and we're making progress towards the Holy Land. No, staying to argue the case won't accomplish a damn thing!"
"And what do you think leaving the Order will accomplish?" Fai tried switching tactics. "If no one will even stand against it, it's no wonder the spirit of the Order has begun to rot!"
"If you're trying to convince me to stay, you're not doing a very good job of it," Kurogane growled.
"But leaving in a storm like this won't change anything; if you renounce your cross you'll never be able to come back, you know that!" Fai protested. "And the people out there are no less greedy and corrupt than the men in your unit, I can promise you that!"
"Do you think I don't know that?" Kurogane snarled back. "At least they're open about their vices, and don't wrap themselves up in cloaks of hypocrisy! Damn, the kind of logic-chopping they teach you at the College makes my head spin."
"You can't leave," Fai said desperately. He recognized Kurogane's elemental stubbornness coming into the fore; the harder someone tried to change his mind, the more he'd dig in his claws. But he couldn't help but try; he couldn't face the thought of the Kurogane-shaped hole this would leave in his life. "We need you!"
"Who's the 'we' in that sentence, Mage?" Kurogane said, turning his searing red eyes on Fai with unerring precision. "Do you mean 'we' the Knights Templar, or 'we' the Puritan Church? Or 'we' as in Fai Flowright?"
Fai swallowed against a sudden ringing in his ears, and said in a whisper, "All of them."
"I can't stay for the Knights, and I can't stay with the church," Kurogane said, taking a step across the stone floor. "But I don't have to leave you behind."
For a moment Fai's heart rose on a surge of hope. If he -
"Come with me," Kurogane urged him, extending his hand towards Fai. "Let's leave together. You and I can make the world a better place somewhere else - somewhere that isn't locked up in the pretty lies of the Church. As partners. As more than that, if you want it. I know I do."
"I can't," Fai said, shaken to the very core by the suggestion. The Holy Church was everything to him. After the miseries of his childhood he'd finally found comfort here, found unconditional love and acceptance for the first time in his life. All his adulthood he'd spent with the church; first as a parishioner, then an initiate into the Order of Holy Sorcerers, and all the years of study he'd poured into becoming what he was now; a Revered Mage of the Order of Holy Sorcerers. He'd poured his heart and soul, devoted years of study and years of his life into that goal; he couldn't imagine himself anywhere, anyone else. Not even with Kurogane beside him. "You can't - you can't ask this of me, Kurogane. You can't ask me to choose between love in this world and in the next. That isn't fair."
"Then give me a reason to stay!" Kurogane urged him, frustration and temper clearly rising. "Don't think I've forgotten the time you kissed me in the chapel, Mage; or all the little looks and moments you've sent my way since them. If you want me as a lover, then I'm yours; but if you don't, I won't hang around forever in a place that makes my soul sick just looking at it, waiting for you to change your mind!"
"I can't!" Fai almost shouted his denial, his own frustration rising to match Kurogane's. He glared at the warrior in front of him, and he felt the same old struggle rise up in his chest again. Kurogane, glorious Kurogane, so beautiful and strong and poised. So passionate and fiery, yet such a virtuous soul under the temper and bite. He was the best man Fai had ever known, the only one he'd ever loved. But what Kurogane was asking for was beyond the pale. "You know what initiation into the Holy Order entails - I gave my vows of poverty, obedience and chastity, and I won't break those vows. Not even for you. I'd be stripped of my mantle, I might even be tried in ecclesiastical courts -"
"That one rabbit priest has been fooling around with Prince Touya for years," Kurogane said impatiently. "Everyone knows it, and he took the very same oaths, and yet the Holy Fathers don't seem to be in a hurry to excommunicate him!"
"That's different and you know it," Fai snarled back, his own patience running thin. "Yukito - that's a special case; Touya's the Crown Prince, for God's sake, and his parents love him. The Holy Fathers can't afford to alienate the country's rulers by interceding in their love affairs, vows or no vows. Besides, he's in a different position than I am; he's devoted to serving the royal family, not the College of Mages."
"Are you even listening to yourself, making excuses for them?" Kurogane said with heavy contempt. "You know as well as I do that the Church is rotten at its roots. You just won't admit it to yourself, because you don't have the courage to face up and do anything about it."
"Don't you dare call me a coward," Fai hissed. "Not when you're the one who's running away!"
"I'm calling you a coward because you are one," Kurogane grated. "You run away from the truth, you run away from what you really want, and you run away from me. To be afraid of pain and death is one thing - it's natural, it's understandable. But to be afraid of finding your true self - that's worse than cowardice, that's hypocrisy! That's the kind of person I hate most in the world."
"Well, then." Fai felt an unpleasant smile stretch his face, his heart gone cold and hollow as Kurogane's stinging words of condemnation gutted him. "I guess you've no reason to stay at all, then."
"No," Kurogane said. The cot had been cleared, all of his possessions magically disappearing into his bag, and he knotted it with a blurred expert one-handed twist and slung it over his shoulder. He stood up straight, hitching his sword into the loop by his belt, and looked Fai straight in the eye. "I don't."
Fai couldn't speak, the lump in his throat threatening to cut off both speech and breath, until Kurogane had walked past him to the door. "What about Syaoran," he blurted out, turning around to face Kurogane's back. "Your squire. He looks up to you, he needs your guidance. What will he do once you're gone?"
"If he's smart, he'll come to the same conclusions I did, and he'll leave too," Kurogane tossed over his shoulder. "If not, then some other knight can take over his training."
"None of them are as good as you," Fai countered. "Not just good fighters. Good men."
Kurogane did turn around then, and under the layer of smoldering rage that had dominated his attitude since Fai had burst into his chambers, there was an edge of real sorrow. "If you really believe that I'm the best man the Church has got," he said, "then you already know that what I told you is true."
He turned and walked out, and Fai stood frozen in place, staring at the empty tabard bearing the Holy Symbol lying crumpled and empty on the floor.
"It is regrettable, to be sure," the old man said with a sigh, spreading his hand over the pages of the leatherbound book open on the desk before him. "He was a fine and righteous young man… a little prone to wrath on occasions, but such is necessary in a man of war. With the grace of God, he will come to his senses before he does something that the church cannot easily overlook."
The clock ticked steadily away in the dusty quiet of the Bishop's office; it was a comforting sound, for Fai had spent many long hours here. The Reverend Joshua had seen to much of Fai's education, and been present at his initiation; just being in his presence was a soothing balm - usually. It had been a night and a day since Kurogane's departure, and so far nothing had been able to quell the ache inside him.
"Your Grace," Fai said hesitantly. "Surely we should investigate the truth of his accusations."
The older priest shook his head. "Allegations only, surely," he said. "And given his own shocking behavior in casting aside his mantle and departing the Church, he is hardly a reliable source to judge the morality of others."
"Kurogane has always been an upright and, more importantly, an honest man, Your Grace," Fai said quietly. "I have known him for many years and I have not once known him to lie. He is a good man."
"So are all the men he is implicating," Joshua said, irritated. "And they, at least, are still loyal and devout."
"So is he, despite his actions," Fai protested. "It's exactly because of his devotion that he left - because he held the doctrines of God above those of the Church."
Joshua gave him a stern frown. "The doctrines of the Church are those of God," he said quellingly.
"I know, I know. I wasn't suggesting that otherwise," Fai said, shaking his head so hastily that wisps of blond hair whipped into his face. "I'm merely saying that he is confused, Father. He would surely return if it was shown how much we value our own laws and edicts, by tracking down these rogue soldiers and seeing justice done."
The old man sighed and sat back in his wooden chair, creaking under his weight. He rubbed a hand over the wrinkled lines of his face, looking unusually tired. "What you're suggesting is not that simple," he complained. "The Holy Order of Sorcerers has only limited authority over the Knights Templar at the best of times - when it comes to matters of war, only the Holy Father or the Council of Archbishops can overrule them. Demanding that they start a martial investigation of half a dozen of their best soldiers, on the word of a single man who is not even present to present a witness… I don't know what you would hope to accomplish. It would strain relations between our branches, and could prove devastating to military morale. It could even discredit us in the eyes of the temporal Kings through whose lands our armies must pass."
"I know that," Fai said quietly. "But regardless of whether it's convenient, or easy, or politically agreeable, it still must be done. Because if our own soldiers cannot even obey the Pax Dei, then it casts a stain over all the Orders, and doubt upon the mantle of authority of the Puritan Church. What would that do to the hearts of our followers, if such a corruption took root among us?"
A long silence stretched between them, the ticking of the clock suddenly seeming very loud, and Fai met the Bishop's eyes steadily. At last Joshua inhaled sharply through his nose, and let out a long sigh. "You are right, of course," he admitted. "I will see that an investigation is launched. God willing it will be dealt with swiftly and decisively."
"Thank you, Father," Fai said with relief, bowing his head and signing himself briefly. "That's all I ask."
Yet despite the Senior Mage's acquiescence, as Fai gathered himself up and left his office, he still felt unaccountably depressed. Kurogane's furious tirade still echoed in his ears, and he found himself wondering if the promised investigation would come to anything at all, or merely close out the cases as quickly as possible to avoid further embarrassment.
And worst of all, despite his hopeful suggestions to Joshua, Fai knew that even if the investigation went through, it still would not bring Kurogane back to him.
When he was troubled it often comforted him to come down to this part of the monastery, to see the children at play. The foundling orphanage at Cattalina was one of the largest in the country, thanks to the generous donations of King Fujitaka and other nobles eager to impress with their piety. Only the grand cathedral of Anna-Metrushka itself - the jeweled heart of the capital city of Celestina - was larger. The orphanage building, along with the hospice and the rest of the Puritan outbuildings, took up a fair chunk of the city center; but there was never any lack of foundlings to fill it.
He liked to talk with the children, to play with them and show them harmless little tricks of magic. It amused and delighted them, and if it lit the fire of inspiration within one or two of them to be a Holy Sorcerer someday, well, where was the harm in that? More than anything he drew strength from their faces, smiling, scrubbed clean and with a healthy glow.
They had all come from different backgrounds, he knew. Some were orphans in truth, their parents lost to war or disease or starvation that somehow passed over and left their children bewildered and alone in the cold world. Others were foundlings, deliberately cast aside by their parents for Heaven knew what reason - bastard children got out of wedlock, girl children whose parents wanted only a male heir; the sins of man were uncounted, and so were the children. Unwanted, unloved and forsaken.
They came from backgrounds rich and poor, common and noble, but he could still see a piece of himself in all of them. Not every child could be saved - he knew that lesson painfully well - but the church saved all that they could. Took them in and raised them, fed them and clothed them warmly, if not fashionably, and saw that each Church orphan at least knew how to read and write and do basic sums and recite the catechism and commandments, preparing them for life in the greater world.
That was a good, Fai thought. That was a good that no one could dispute, not even Kurogane. If the church did not save these poor waifs, then who would? How could Kurogane say that the faith was corrupted, the church rotten from within, so long as they gave succor to the poor and the orphaned - the humble people, who so often found themselves crushed under the careless wheels of war and politics? Who else would? Who else cared enough to try?
Who else had cared about him?
He came to the archway leading out to the courtyard and stopped; the cold autumn wind had died down for now, and the clouds parted enough to spill sunlight onto the stones below. The fountain in the middle of the courtyard's small garden had not yet frozen over; the quiet splash of water pouring eternally from the maiden's vessel gave an aura of peace to the place. In this place, sanctuary from the evils of the world. In this place, shelter from the cruelty of man. In this place, the peaceful hand of God could be felt, even if just for a moment.
Kurogane was mad to suggest that he leave. How could he ever leave Cattalina? How could he leave behind these buildings, these people he loved, the well of grace and tranquility that seemed to fall over the walls and walkways like a veil?
Fai closed his eyes and tipped his head back, letting the sunlight fall into his face and a warm golden glow fill his vision.
Lord Father, please judge him mercifully, he prayed. He is angry now, but he is angry because he is a good man who cannot bear the evils of this world. Walk beside him in his dark valley as you did in mine, protect and shelter him as you did for me. And when the tempest within him has subsided, guide him safely home to us again.
The sound of feminine laughter broke into his reverie. He opened his eyes to see a trio of girls passing under the archway opposite, clad in white wool shifts, and he smiled as he recognized them. Rika and Chiharu, both rising fifteen and soon to be children no longer, and their constant companion, who could not be more than a year or so behind.
It was the tradition of the orphanage that those children old enough to remember the names their parents gave them would keep them; those who could not would be named for one of the venerated saints. He had been the one to suggest her namesake; Saint Katherine, patron of maidens, children, and libraries. Kitty, as he called her fondly, always had a special place in his heart; for he had been the one to find her abandoned and crying in the woods and bring her back to the monastery to be sheltered.
"Little Kitty," he called out, and the trio of girls stopped and turned towards his voice. Chiharu and Rika immediately fell to whispering among themselves, tugging at Little Kitty's sleeve and staring at him with wide eyes; Fai couldn't help but smile. "How are you today? Do you have time to sit and talk for a bit?"
"Oh! Um…" Litty Kitty looked at her companions; Rika gave a little smile and wave, and Chiharu a cheerful grin. "Go on, we'll catch up to you later," the older girl said confidently. "And remember, tell us everything!"
Fai raised an eyebrow as Little Kitty crossed the courtyard and sat down on the low stone wall beside him. "Tell them everything about what, pray tell?" he asked her.
Little Kitty blushed, and Fai chuckled; it was so easy to get a blush out of her, it was hardly any challenge to tease her. "Oh, well, they're just curious," the girl stuttered. "You know, since they're preparing for their initiation into the Sisterhood, they want to know all about it - about the ceremony, I mean. They wanted me to ask you the details of, of what everyone's going to say or do, so that they're ready."
Fai studied the girl for a moment. Although he still thought of her as the babe he'd rescued from the frozen woods, she was hardly a child any longer; she was growing taller, her bones and frame changing from a child's towards that of a woman, and her face was beginning to lose the layer of baby fat in favor of a more adult maturity. The eyes were the same green, though; and the wisps of hair that peaked from around her white cowl to frame her face were the same ginger color. "Have you thought about what you're going to do, yourself?" he asked. "You have less than a year of fostering left, and then you'll be able to choose your own path."
"Well," Little Kitty said, and she gave him a sunny smile. "I thought I'd study magic, like you!"
Fai coughed, feeling almost embarrassed at having to ruin her hopes. "Come on now, you know that's not possible," he said gently. "The Holy Sorcerers are not open to women."
"I know that!" the girl shot back. "But there's an equivalent order in the Sisterhood, isn't there? I know some of the nuns study potions and protective amulets."
"That's different, Little Kitty," he objected. "The Sisters of Mercy practice defensive magics and healing; it's a very specialized field of study. They are sometimes called on to accompany the Templars onto the field of battle; their abilities have saved many a good man's life and limbs." His smile faltered as his thoughts turned to their inevitable conclusion - if one of the Sisters had been at Rauma, they might have been able to save Kurogane's arm. As it was, it must have taken nothing short of divine intervention for him to survive the dreadful wound at all.
Any reminder of Kurogane hurt, like a wound had been ripped open inside his chest, and he suspected it would for some time to come. He quickly changed the subject. "There are plenty of other paths to pursue, Kitty. You don't have to devote yourself to one just because it's what I do. What does your heart tell you?"
"Um," Little Kitty fidgeted on the bench, her fingers twisting in the hem of her white woolen dress. "Honestly, I don't know. Nothing really… I mean, it's not that I don't respect the Sisters and all - I just can't really see myself in any of their shoes."
"Hmm." Fai let his eyes rest on her for a moment, and his voice grew serious. "Little Kitty, you know, you don't have to be initiated into the Sisterhood if you're not ready. Not all of the foundlings stay here forever - many of them leave and lead very happy, successful lives in the rest of the community. You could leave, too." Even if it would break my heart even more, he thought, it wouldn't be right to cage you if you didn't want to stay.
"But what would I do, if I left?" the girl stammered. "I mean - I don't really know what else is out there!"
"You could find a husband," Fai suggested. "You're becoming a lovely young woman, Katherine - it's only natural for you to have a young maiden's dreams and desires. Many of the nuns and monks take vows of chastity for their work, but that's not required for everyone. A full life outside the church, where you fall in love, marry, and raise a family in the sight and love of God is every bit as much an act of loving devotion as any monastic life of study."
But not for me, he thought with the familiar old ache in his heart. Even if he renounced his mantle and his vows, even if he left the church, he could never have the same kind of fruitful relationship with a good and godly woman, could never bring new children into the world. He'd long since stopped feeling shame for his own altered desires - he had come to believe that God intended him to pursue the life of a Holy Sorcerer with no regrets - but the loving family life that he described to Little Kitty had never been an option for him.
Little Kitty had turned a bright red - much more so than the gentle teasing had warranted - and Fai became curious as to what was driving it. "Doesn't that sound lovely?" he prompted her. "Wouldn't you want a fine young man of your own for a husband, someone to share your life with?"
"N-no, it's not that, I do want - I -" the girl stuttered, and Fai's interest peaked.
"Or is it that you already have such a fine young man in mind?" Fai said knowingly. He wasn't blind to the little pageants that spun themselves out among the younger members of the convent, after all. "Such as that handsome young squire, Syaoran, perhaps?"
The girl's blush redoubled, and so did her case of the fidgets, until she was squirming like a bean in a hot pan. "B-but he's training to be a knight!" she said anxiously. "He always, he always said he means to be one of the Knights one day, like his mentor, Kurogane-sama! I don't want to leave the church if he -" She stopped, biting her lip.
"I see," Fai said, and his heart went out in sympathy to the young couple. He happened to know, from the long idle conversations he shared - used to share - with Kurogane, that Syaoran was just as head over heels in devotion to the pretty Little Kitty as she felt for him. If they stayed in the Church and took their own vows, then they would never be able to be together; but neither would leave while the other one stayed.
Reluctantly, he said, "You know, Kitty, it's possible that Syaoran may not be completing his training after all. You should talk to him about this - about the possibility of leaving together."
Why now, all at once? he wondered. It was all too ridiculously sudden to be a coincidence, but what plan could God possibly have for taking all of Fai's loved ones away from him?
"Not complete his training?" Little Kitty appeared shocked, and Fai blinked back into focus as he realized she had latched on to the one part of his announcement that he'd hoped she wouldn't. "What, why wouldn't he? It's what he really wanted! All the squires wish they were serving under Kurogane-sama, but Syaoran really wants to make him proud!"
Just like that, the stabbing ache in his chest was back. "I guess you hadn't heard yet." He took a deep breath. It wasn't like it was a secret; everyone who lived in the convent would know by the time the day was out. "Kurogane… left the order for a while. He has some things he needs to work out. But in the meantime, someone else would have to take over Syaoran's training, and most of the other Templars are busy with their own -"
"But why would he leave?" Little Kitty was even more shocked than before, almost on the verge of tears. "I don't understand! Why would he do such a thing?"
"Because…" Fai hesitated. Kurogane's accusations rang back in his head - that Fai was making excuses to cover up the evil actions of the corrupt churchmembers, that he refused to admit the truth. He didn't want to lie, or deny that such terrible things had ever happened - but how could he burden this sweet young girl with such horrors? "Because he -"
He never got to finish that sentence.
Little Kitty jerked suddenly, a gasp leaving her throat. Then her eyelids fluttered as her head rolled back, and she slumped as though boneless on the stone bench. Fai hastily reached out to support her, but his hand bounced off thin air as though it had encountered a padded barrier.
The sound of a roaring whirlwind filled the courtyard, although the air was as still and calm as it was before, and Fai's eyes widened as he recognized the unmistakable presence of magic - an attack of some kind, a hostile magic he had never sensed before! The girl's slender body jerked up, rigidly as a board, and she began to float into the air as an eerie glow slowly spread over her skin.
Fai came to his feet, casting a counterspell almost without thinking. He had no idea who could be doing this, or what kind of witchcraft could reach into the heart of this sacred space, but it was evident that someone had. Blue and white lines of symbols scrolled from his fingertips as he chanted the words in Latin, and a bright-glowing sphere swirled up and sealed into place around the afflicted girl.
Once the barrier was up, sealing Little Kitty away from the outside world and whatever force was seeking to harm her, Fai turned to kill the magics already at work. He shifted from a protective spell to a counterspell, furiously working to nullify any magics within the field of his own magic. It was complicated and difficult, keeping two spells going at once while wrestling with the effects of a third, but this was the kind of magic at which he had always excelled. It was almost an exhilaration, matching his mind against his enemy's mind, smothering the bursts of power like sand over a fire and tearing apart the framework that had carried the spell in the first place. When at last the final trace of hostile magic vanished, Fai nearly shouted with triumph.
But when his shield vanished, Little Kitty slumped back down against the stone bench in the total listlessness of unconsciousness. Her eyes were closed, and with the eldritch light gone, her skin had gone a frightening gray color.
Fai caught her limp body before it hit the ground, but despite his repeated, frightened calls of her name, she did not answer.
~to be continued...
Instead I'll just link it: the last two chapters of Family Portrait can be found here.
( Love was never about men and women for me. Love was about Kurogane. )
Crossposting my fic for the remix challenge, "Pure Heart, White Mage."
Title: Pure Heart, White Mage
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, religious themes
Summary: Kidnapping, curses, and assassination - and at the middle of it all is the Puritan Church. In the midst of a political and magical upheaval, Fai must face the choice between preserving his faith - and protecting those he loves.
Author's Notes: This fic was written for the remix challenge held in October 2011. The fic being remixed is Black Cat, White Mage by sweetjerry.
Since in the original fic, the Puritan Church were the bad guys of the piece, with the Libertarians being led by Queen Nadesiko, in this remix that's turned on its head: all of the main characters are members of the Puritan Church, and the Libertarians are a breakaway sect led by the sinister Fei Wong Reed!
Black cat, white mage can be read at the following links - Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
As many good stories do, this one begins with a princess spirited away in the night. Except of course, that's not the whole truth of it. A story has many beginnings, all of them equally important. And in this particular story, a good number of events are just as essential as the king and queen finding the princess' cot empty one morning.
This story also begins with a magician who decided to break away from the church that had he had served all his life, in order to gather like-minded souls around him and preach the doctrines of Hell. It begins with a blessed knight in shining armor who went to fight in God's name in a distant land, and saw more hideous things done in God's name than he had ever seen in his nightmares. It begins with a young boy crawling into the sheltered lintel of a church doorway to escape the rain, shivering and alone, never knowing that a new life awaited him on the other side. It begins with a dissipated old king forsaking his wife and daughters and rebelling against all godly law and tradition, in search of a woman who could bear him a male heir.
One beginning of this story - perhaps the most important one - concerns two priests who took vows of purity and chastity in the sight of God, and the two men whom they fell in love with, and the one who chose to honor his vows and the other who did not.
But for the purposes of telling this very story, which would undoubtedly be a horribly tangled mess if one was to attempt to pursue all parts of it at once, the princess gone missing is a good way to start.
Fai ran through the hallways with his heart in his mouth, dodging around the brothers and sisters with hasty, breathless apologies as his feet pounded against the tile floor. It was almost two miles from the College of Mages to the dormitories housing the local chapter of the Knights Templar, and he had run most of the way - after the news he'd heard, he could hardly do less.
He had walked these same corridors hundreds of time, and the beauty of the polished tile floors, the exquisitely detailed paintings on the walls, and the splashes of vivid light spilling through the round stained-glass windows above had never failed to bring peace to his mind and wonder to his spirit. But not today.
He burst through the door without knocking, and his heart plummeted into his shoes as he took in the details of the small room; the clothes and equipment spread out on the bed, halfway through the process of packing. The bare emptiness of the display case under the window, where the mark of the Miles Christi should have hung. The tall, heavyset man with the messy hair and the forge-hot eyes and the left arm missing below the elbow, the sight of whom had never failed to bring light to his eyes and joy to his heart. But not today.
"Going somewhere?" Fai inquired, and it took all the self-possession he owned to make it a light, teasing query and not an accusation.
Kurogane looked at him for a long moment, then set his jaw tightly and turned back to his packing. "Rumor travels faster than prayer, they say," he said in a flat voice. "I see it's true."
"How? How could you leave?" The words burst out of Fai in a rush, and he could hear his own fear, his own neediness in the frantic accusation of his tone. "You were always the most righteous, the greatest among all the sacred knights. You're an inspiration to all the younger ones. Why would you abandon them - abandon us?"
"You wouldn't understand," Kurogane said in a tone of quiet disgust. "And you won't like the answer, so don't ask."
"But why?" Fai asked in a fit of frustration. The Holy Sorcerers and the Knights Templar were brother Orders under the Puritan church - they ran by different tempos, but Kurogane had been stationed in this compound almost as long as Fai had. Indeed, he'd taken pains to assure that he would not be transferred somewhere else, as he found himself preferring Kurogane's company over anyone else's.
Part of it was deep-seated respect and admiration, for Kurogane was the very epitome of a knight in shining armor. Already the scourge of the bandits of the north by the time he'd joined the Order, he lost his arm defending the walled town of Rauma from an unexpected raid from over the Nihon border. Despite being the only belted knight in the town he'd held them off for three days before a troop of Miletes Christi arrived to lift the siege, his matchless faith and spectacular military prowess inspiring the timid agricolae to join in the defense of the walls with only mattocks and shovels to use as weapons. He'd been awarded a ribbon from King Fujitaka for that, as well as a commendation and blessing from the Holy Father himself.
Even before then, he'd been as well known for his humility and piety as for his fearsome skills in combat; there was a story told to all the new squires about the time he'd been late for a ceremony because he'd given his horse to an old woodcutter struggling under his load, and walked back to town in the dust. When asked, he only commented that he'd never liked that horse.
He embodied all the virtues of charity and faith that a knight was supposed to possess, and he'd become almost a walking legend. But there was more than admiration for his virtues that attracted him to Kurogane, Fai admitted to himself when he was being honest. Kurogane was not only strong but well-formed, tall and graceful, with a face as strikingly beautiful as an archangel. Many times Fai had visited his chambers in the Templar's wing after vespers and not departed until near dawn, losing himself in the thoughtful conversation and dreamlike trance of Kurogane's presence. At times he'd even seen a heat in Kurogane's eyes that matched the dark stirrings in his own body, and he always had to be careful to pull himself back, lest the accidental brush of his fingers over Kurogane's should turn into something more dangerous.
The thought of life in this sleepy village without Kurogane nearly paralyzed him with the panic of loss, and he desperately sought some justification for Kurogane's unthinkable desertion. "Do you feel like you can't fight any more? Is it - is it because of -" His hand flickered out hesitantly to indicate Kurogane's missing arm.
"What, this? After the months I spent learning to fight all over again one-handed?" Kurogane snorted at the very idea. "Hell, no. It wasn't losing my arm that made this decision for me. It was losing my faith."
"Then why?" Fai said passionately. "Of all the people to lose their way to darkness and leave the path of the Templars, I never thought it would be you! You always believed, you always served, you carried the banner of the Knights Templar into battle in the Holy Land, and -"
"And you never have!" Kurogane snarled, spinning to face Fai once again. The sheer venom and fury in his voice took Fai aback; he'd never seen this look on Kurogane's face before, never. "So don't get on your high horse and lecture me, Revered Mage; you don't know what you're talking about and you have no right to judge me!"
Fai sat back on his heels, the wind taken out of his sails. More protestations crowded in his throat, but he was at a loss to express them - at a loss to find words to wrap around his shock and disbelief that Kurogane could actually consider leaving the Puritan Church, actually consider turning his back on God, no matter what the cause. Only heretics and apostates did that, but he knew Kurogane too well to believe that he had fallen into such evil; and confusion battled with betrayal and heartbreak and anger within him.
"The things I saw there - the things I saw done - have made sure that any spark of piety I felt is long since dead and drowned," Kurogane said in a low, taut voice. "The pious glory of the Templars is all a lie, I've seen through it now. The Pax Dei is just a bunch of pretty-sounding words. As soon as they think they can get away with it, those 'holy knights' degrade into the worst beasts that the whole of humanity has to offer."
"What are you talking about?" Fai said uneasily. "Are you saying that these things - these things which so shook your faith - were done by our own side?"
"I saw men wearing this symbol -" Kurogane's one hand crumpled around the tabard that usually covered his armor, and flung it violently to the floor. "- Saw them cut the throats of matrons and children huddling in their kitchens, saw them fire buildings where old men and women lay bedridden. I saw them drag maidens and young boys screaming into their tents, and their own fellows set on me when I moved to stop them! Unless you're going to try to tell me that since those were infidel babies and elders, mothers and daughters and sons, that slaughtering and defiling them in defiance of the Pax is righteous?"
"No!" Fai said, shocked by the litany of horrors Kurogane recounted. He'd always known in an objective, distant way that war always led to such atrocities - but he hadn't believed, had never imagined that the same would go for the holy war that was the Crusades. He'd wanted to believe that the men of the Puritan Church were better than that - because he knew that Kurogane was.
Kurogane turned his back on Fai. "So don't you talk to me about darkness, Brother Fai, because there's none to match the evil that hides under the glitter and shine of the Templar's armor. I won't stay under the same roof as such men. I'd rather sleep in the gutter for the rest of my days than share their wine again."
"But, Kurogane," Fai tried to persuade him, tried to get him to see reason. "That corruption comes from men, not from God. We are born with sin, and we need to grace of God to uplift us from it. Even the best of men can be weak against temptation, can succumb to it. It's the duty of the church to guide them away from that, to teach them how to strive for honor and kindness and charity and not to give in to their worst instincts."
"So they say," Kurogane said bitingly. "And I used to believe it, too - until I saw my own commander turn his back on the atrocities those men committed, to pretend it never happened. Hell, he did all except put the papal seal on rape and murder!"
That was impossible, Fai thought incredulously. No servant of the Church could ever be so base, so callous, as to deliberately turn a blind eye to his own soldiers violating the Acts of War. But he knew Kurogane too well to think that he could lie - he could only be mistaken. "Then report him as well!" he exhorted. "If corruption has really set root in the Order of Templars at that level, then take it to the Archbishop himself!"
"And find out just how high up the corruption goes?" Kurogane shook his head. "This wasn't a freak occurrence, mage. I took it to the commandant as soon as I returned - I just got back from that meeting. He claimed there was nothing he could do to stop it - he all but came out and said this was expected to happen, that they give the Knights free rein to run riot as soon as a new town as conquered, because it's the only way to keep them in line the rest of the time. And the Council doesn't give a damn about the dirty little details of what happens on the front lines of the Crusade as long as money and converts keep trickling in and we're making progress towards the Holy Land. No, staying to argue the case won't accomplish a damn thing!"
"And what do you think leaving the Order will accomplish?" Fai tried switching tactics. "If no one will even stand against it, it's no wonder the spirit of the Order has begun to rot!"
"If you're trying to convince me to stay, you're not doing a very good job of it," Kurogane growled.
"But leaving in a storm like this won't change anything; if you renounce your cross you'll never be able to come back, you know that!" Fai protested. "And the people out there are no less greedy and corrupt than the men in your unit, I can promise you that!"
"Do you think I don't know that?" Kurogane snarled back. "At least they're open about their vices, and don't wrap themselves up in cloaks of hypocrisy! Damn, the kind of logic-chopping they teach you at the College makes my head spin."
"You can't leave," Fai said desperately. He recognized Kurogane's elemental stubbornness coming into the fore; the harder someone tried to change his mind, the more he'd dig in his claws. But he couldn't help but try; he couldn't face the thought of the Kurogane-shaped hole this would leave in his life. "We need you!"
"Who's the 'we' in that sentence, Mage?" Kurogane said, turning his searing red eyes on Fai with unerring precision. "Do you mean 'we' the Knights Templar, or 'we' the Puritan Church? Or 'we' as in Fai Flowright?"
Fai swallowed against a sudden ringing in his ears, and said in a whisper, "All of them."
"I can't stay for the Knights, and I can't stay with the church," Kurogane said, taking a step across the stone floor. "But I don't have to leave you behind."
For a moment Fai's heart rose on a surge of hope. If he -
"Come with me," Kurogane urged him, extending his hand towards Fai. "Let's leave together. You and I can make the world a better place somewhere else - somewhere that isn't locked up in the pretty lies of the Church. As partners. As more than that, if you want it. I know I do."
"I can't," Fai said, shaken to the very core by the suggestion. The Holy Church was everything to him. After the miseries of his childhood he'd finally found comfort here, found unconditional love and acceptance for the first time in his life. All his adulthood he'd spent with the church; first as a parishioner, then an initiate into the Order of Holy Sorcerers, and all the years of study he'd poured into becoming what he was now; a Revered Mage of the Order of Holy Sorcerers. He'd poured his heart and soul, devoted years of study and years of his life into that goal; he couldn't imagine himself anywhere, anyone else. Not even with Kurogane beside him. "You can't - you can't ask this of me, Kurogane. You can't ask me to choose between love in this world and in the next. That isn't fair."
"Then give me a reason to stay!" Kurogane urged him, frustration and temper clearly rising. "Don't think I've forgotten the time you kissed me in the chapel, Mage; or all the little looks and moments you've sent my way since them. If you want me as a lover, then I'm yours; but if you don't, I won't hang around forever in a place that makes my soul sick just looking at it, waiting for you to change your mind!"
"I can't!" Fai almost shouted his denial, his own frustration rising to match Kurogane's. He glared at the warrior in front of him, and he felt the same old struggle rise up in his chest again. Kurogane, glorious Kurogane, so beautiful and strong and poised. So passionate and fiery, yet such a virtuous soul under the temper and bite. He was the best man Fai had ever known, the only one he'd ever loved. But what Kurogane was asking for was beyond the pale. "You know what initiation into the Holy Order entails - I gave my vows of poverty, obedience and chastity, and I won't break those vows. Not even for you. I'd be stripped of my mantle, I might even be tried in ecclesiastical courts -"
"That one rabbit priest has been fooling around with Prince Touya for years," Kurogane said impatiently. "Everyone knows it, and he took the very same oaths, and yet the Holy Fathers don't seem to be in a hurry to excommunicate him!"
"That's different and you know it," Fai snarled back, his own patience running thin. "Yukito - that's a special case; Touya's the Crown Prince, for God's sake, and his parents love him. The Holy Fathers can't afford to alienate the country's rulers by interceding in their love affairs, vows or no vows. Besides, he's in a different position than I am; he's devoted to serving the royal family, not the College of Mages."
"Are you even listening to yourself, making excuses for them?" Kurogane said with heavy contempt. "You know as well as I do that the Church is rotten at its roots. You just won't admit it to yourself, because you don't have the courage to face up and do anything about it."
"Don't you dare call me a coward," Fai hissed. "Not when you're the one who's running away!"
"I'm calling you a coward because you are one," Kurogane grated. "You run away from the truth, you run away from what you really want, and you run away from me. To be afraid of pain and death is one thing - it's natural, it's understandable. But to be afraid of finding your true self - that's worse than cowardice, that's hypocrisy! That's the kind of person I hate most in the world."
"Well, then." Fai felt an unpleasant smile stretch his face, his heart gone cold and hollow as Kurogane's stinging words of condemnation gutted him. "I guess you've no reason to stay at all, then."
"No," Kurogane said. The cot had been cleared, all of his possessions magically disappearing into his bag, and he knotted it with a blurred expert one-handed twist and slung it over his shoulder. He stood up straight, hitching his sword into the loop by his belt, and looked Fai straight in the eye. "I don't."
Fai couldn't speak, the lump in his throat threatening to cut off both speech and breath, until Kurogane had walked past him to the door. "What about Syaoran," he blurted out, turning around to face Kurogane's back. "Your squire. He looks up to you, he needs your guidance. What will he do once you're gone?"
"If he's smart, he'll come to the same conclusions I did, and he'll leave too," Kurogane tossed over his shoulder. "If not, then some other knight can take over his training."
"None of them are as good as you," Fai countered. "Not just good fighters. Good men."
Kurogane did turn around then, and under the layer of smoldering rage that had dominated his attitude since Fai had burst into his chambers, there was an edge of real sorrow. "If you really believe that I'm the best man the Church has got," he said, "then you already know that what I told you is true."
He turned and walked out, and Fai stood frozen in place, staring at the empty tabard bearing the Holy Symbol lying crumpled and empty on the floor.
"It is regrettable, to be sure," the old man said with a sigh, spreading his hand over the pages of the leatherbound book open on the desk before him. "He was a fine and righteous young man… a little prone to wrath on occasions, but such is necessary in a man of war. With the grace of God, he will come to his senses before he does something that the church cannot easily overlook."
The clock ticked steadily away in the dusty quiet of the Bishop's office; it was a comforting sound, for Fai had spent many long hours here. The Reverend Joshua had seen to much of Fai's education, and been present at his initiation; just being in his presence was a soothing balm - usually. It had been a night and a day since Kurogane's departure, and so far nothing had been able to quell the ache inside him.
"Your Grace," Fai said hesitantly. "Surely we should investigate the truth of his accusations."
The older priest shook his head. "Allegations only, surely," he said. "And given his own shocking behavior in casting aside his mantle and departing the Church, he is hardly a reliable source to judge the morality of others."
"Kurogane has always been an upright and, more importantly, an honest man, Your Grace," Fai said quietly. "I have known him for many years and I have not once known him to lie. He is a good man."
"So are all the men he is implicating," Joshua said, irritated. "And they, at least, are still loyal and devout."
"So is he, despite his actions," Fai protested. "It's exactly because of his devotion that he left - because he held the doctrines of God above those of the Church."
Joshua gave him a stern frown. "The doctrines of the Church are those of God," he said quellingly.
"I know, I know. I wasn't suggesting that otherwise," Fai said, shaking his head so hastily that wisps of blond hair whipped into his face. "I'm merely saying that he is confused, Father. He would surely return if it was shown how much we value our own laws and edicts, by tracking down these rogue soldiers and seeing justice done."
The old man sighed and sat back in his wooden chair, creaking under his weight. He rubbed a hand over the wrinkled lines of his face, looking unusually tired. "What you're suggesting is not that simple," he complained. "The Holy Order of Sorcerers has only limited authority over the Knights Templar at the best of times - when it comes to matters of war, only the Holy Father or the Council of Archbishops can overrule them. Demanding that they start a martial investigation of half a dozen of their best soldiers, on the word of a single man who is not even present to present a witness… I don't know what you would hope to accomplish. It would strain relations between our branches, and could prove devastating to military morale. It could even discredit us in the eyes of the temporal Kings through whose lands our armies must pass."
"I know that," Fai said quietly. "But regardless of whether it's convenient, or easy, or politically agreeable, it still must be done. Because if our own soldiers cannot even obey the Pax Dei, then it casts a stain over all the Orders, and doubt upon the mantle of authority of the Puritan Church. What would that do to the hearts of our followers, if such a corruption took root among us?"
A long silence stretched between them, the ticking of the clock suddenly seeming very loud, and Fai met the Bishop's eyes steadily. At last Joshua inhaled sharply through his nose, and let out a long sigh. "You are right, of course," he admitted. "I will see that an investigation is launched. God willing it will be dealt with swiftly and decisively."
"Thank you, Father," Fai said with relief, bowing his head and signing himself briefly. "That's all I ask."
Yet despite the Senior Mage's acquiescence, as Fai gathered himself up and left his office, he still felt unaccountably depressed. Kurogane's furious tirade still echoed in his ears, and he found himself wondering if the promised investigation would come to anything at all, or merely close out the cases as quickly as possible to avoid further embarrassment.
And worst of all, despite his hopeful suggestions to Joshua, Fai knew that even if the investigation went through, it still would not bring Kurogane back to him.
When he was troubled it often comforted him to come down to this part of the monastery, to see the children at play. The foundling orphanage at Cattalina was one of the largest in the country, thanks to the generous donations of King Fujitaka and other nobles eager to impress with their piety. Only the grand cathedral of Anna-Metrushka itself - the jeweled heart of the capital city of Celestina - was larger. The orphanage building, along with the hospice and the rest of the Puritan outbuildings, took up a fair chunk of the city center; but there was never any lack of foundlings to fill it.
He liked to talk with the children, to play with them and show them harmless little tricks of magic. It amused and delighted them, and if it lit the fire of inspiration within one or two of them to be a Holy Sorcerer someday, well, where was the harm in that? More than anything he drew strength from their faces, smiling, scrubbed clean and with a healthy glow.
They had all come from different backgrounds, he knew. Some were orphans in truth, their parents lost to war or disease or starvation that somehow passed over and left their children bewildered and alone in the cold world. Others were foundlings, deliberately cast aside by their parents for Heaven knew what reason - bastard children got out of wedlock, girl children whose parents wanted only a male heir; the sins of man were uncounted, and so were the children. Unwanted, unloved and forsaken.
They came from backgrounds rich and poor, common and noble, but he could still see a piece of himself in all of them. Not every child could be saved - he knew that lesson painfully well - but the church saved all that they could. Took them in and raised them, fed them and clothed them warmly, if not fashionably, and saw that each Church orphan at least knew how to read and write and do basic sums and recite the catechism and commandments, preparing them for life in the greater world.
That was a good, Fai thought. That was a good that no one could dispute, not even Kurogane. If the church did not save these poor waifs, then who would? How could Kurogane say that the faith was corrupted, the church rotten from within, so long as they gave succor to the poor and the orphaned - the humble people, who so often found themselves crushed under the careless wheels of war and politics? Who else would? Who else cared enough to try?
Who else had cared about him?
He came to the archway leading out to the courtyard and stopped; the cold autumn wind had died down for now, and the clouds parted enough to spill sunlight onto the stones below. The fountain in the middle of the courtyard's small garden had not yet frozen over; the quiet splash of water pouring eternally from the maiden's vessel gave an aura of peace to the place. In this place, sanctuary from the evils of the world. In this place, shelter from the cruelty of man. In this place, the peaceful hand of God could be felt, even if just for a moment.
Kurogane was mad to suggest that he leave. How could he ever leave Cattalina? How could he leave behind these buildings, these people he loved, the well of grace and tranquility that seemed to fall over the walls and walkways like a veil?
Fai closed his eyes and tipped his head back, letting the sunlight fall into his face and a warm golden glow fill his vision.
Lord Father, please judge him mercifully, he prayed. He is angry now, but he is angry because he is a good man who cannot bear the evils of this world. Walk beside him in his dark valley as you did in mine, protect and shelter him as you did for me. And when the tempest within him has subsided, guide him safely home to us again.
The sound of feminine laughter broke into his reverie. He opened his eyes to see a trio of girls passing under the archway opposite, clad in white wool shifts, and he smiled as he recognized them. Rika and Chiharu, both rising fifteen and soon to be children no longer, and their constant companion, who could not be more than a year or so behind.
It was the tradition of the orphanage that those children old enough to remember the names their parents gave them would keep them; those who could not would be named for one of the venerated saints. He had been the one to suggest her namesake; Saint Katherine, patron of maidens, children, and libraries. Kitty, as he called her fondly, always had a special place in his heart; for he had been the one to find her abandoned and crying in the woods and bring her back to the monastery to be sheltered.
"Little Kitty," he called out, and the trio of girls stopped and turned towards his voice. Chiharu and Rika immediately fell to whispering among themselves, tugging at Little Kitty's sleeve and staring at him with wide eyes; Fai couldn't help but smile. "How are you today? Do you have time to sit and talk for a bit?"
"Oh! Um…" Litty Kitty looked at her companions; Rika gave a little smile and wave, and Chiharu a cheerful grin. "Go on, we'll catch up to you later," the older girl said confidently. "And remember, tell us everything!"
Fai raised an eyebrow as Little Kitty crossed the courtyard and sat down on the low stone wall beside him. "Tell them everything about what, pray tell?" he asked her.
Little Kitty blushed, and Fai chuckled; it was so easy to get a blush out of her, it was hardly any challenge to tease her. "Oh, well, they're just curious," the girl stuttered. "You know, since they're preparing for their initiation into the Sisterhood, they want to know all about it - about the ceremony, I mean. They wanted me to ask you the details of, of what everyone's going to say or do, so that they're ready."
Fai studied the girl for a moment. Although he still thought of her as the babe he'd rescued from the frozen woods, she was hardly a child any longer; she was growing taller, her bones and frame changing from a child's towards that of a woman, and her face was beginning to lose the layer of baby fat in favor of a more adult maturity. The eyes were the same green, though; and the wisps of hair that peaked from around her white cowl to frame her face were the same ginger color. "Have you thought about what you're going to do, yourself?" he asked. "You have less than a year of fostering left, and then you'll be able to choose your own path."
"Well," Little Kitty said, and she gave him a sunny smile. "I thought I'd study magic, like you!"
Fai coughed, feeling almost embarrassed at having to ruin her hopes. "Come on now, you know that's not possible," he said gently. "The Holy Sorcerers are not open to women."
"I know that!" the girl shot back. "But there's an equivalent order in the Sisterhood, isn't there? I know some of the nuns study potions and protective amulets."
"That's different, Little Kitty," he objected. "The Sisters of Mercy practice defensive magics and healing; it's a very specialized field of study. They are sometimes called on to accompany the Templars onto the field of battle; their abilities have saved many a good man's life and limbs." His smile faltered as his thoughts turned to their inevitable conclusion - if one of the Sisters had been at Rauma, they might have been able to save Kurogane's arm. As it was, it must have taken nothing short of divine intervention for him to survive the dreadful wound at all.
Any reminder of Kurogane hurt, like a wound had been ripped open inside his chest, and he suspected it would for some time to come. He quickly changed the subject. "There are plenty of other paths to pursue, Kitty. You don't have to devote yourself to one just because it's what I do. What does your heart tell you?"
"Um," Little Kitty fidgeted on the bench, her fingers twisting in the hem of her white woolen dress. "Honestly, I don't know. Nothing really… I mean, it's not that I don't respect the Sisters and all - I just can't really see myself in any of their shoes."
"Hmm." Fai let his eyes rest on her for a moment, and his voice grew serious. "Little Kitty, you know, you don't have to be initiated into the Sisterhood if you're not ready. Not all of the foundlings stay here forever - many of them leave and lead very happy, successful lives in the rest of the community. You could leave, too." Even if it would break my heart even more, he thought, it wouldn't be right to cage you if you didn't want to stay.
"But what would I do, if I left?" the girl stammered. "I mean - I don't really know what else is out there!"
"You could find a husband," Fai suggested. "You're becoming a lovely young woman, Katherine - it's only natural for you to have a young maiden's dreams and desires. Many of the nuns and monks take vows of chastity for their work, but that's not required for everyone. A full life outside the church, where you fall in love, marry, and raise a family in the sight and love of God is every bit as much an act of loving devotion as any monastic life of study."
But not for me, he thought with the familiar old ache in his heart. Even if he renounced his mantle and his vows, even if he left the church, he could never have the same kind of fruitful relationship with a good and godly woman, could never bring new children into the world. He'd long since stopped feeling shame for his own altered desires - he had come to believe that God intended him to pursue the life of a Holy Sorcerer with no regrets - but the loving family life that he described to Little Kitty had never been an option for him.
Little Kitty had turned a bright red - much more so than the gentle teasing had warranted - and Fai became curious as to what was driving it. "Doesn't that sound lovely?" he prompted her. "Wouldn't you want a fine young man of your own for a husband, someone to share your life with?"
"N-no, it's not that, I do want - I -" the girl stuttered, and Fai's interest peaked.
"Or is it that you already have such a fine young man in mind?" Fai said knowingly. He wasn't blind to the little pageants that spun themselves out among the younger members of the convent, after all. "Such as that handsome young squire, Syaoran, perhaps?"
The girl's blush redoubled, and so did her case of the fidgets, until she was squirming like a bean in a hot pan. "B-but he's training to be a knight!" she said anxiously. "He always, he always said he means to be one of the Knights one day, like his mentor, Kurogane-sama! I don't want to leave the church if he -" She stopped, biting her lip.
"I see," Fai said, and his heart went out in sympathy to the young couple. He happened to know, from the long idle conversations he shared - used to share - with Kurogane, that Syaoran was just as head over heels in devotion to the pretty Little Kitty as she felt for him. If they stayed in the Church and took their own vows, then they would never be able to be together; but neither would leave while the other one stayed.
Reluctantly, he said, "You know, Kitty, it's possible that Syaoran may not be completing his training after all. You should talk to him about this - about the possibility of leaving together."
Why now, all at once? he wondered. It was all too ridiculously sudden to be a coincidence, but what plan could God possibly have for taking all of Fai's loved ones away from him?
"Not complete his training?" Little Kitty appeared shocked, and Fai blinked back into focus as he realized she had latched on to the one part of his announcement that he'd hoped she wouldn't. "What, why wouldn't he? It's what he really wanted! All the squires wish they were serving under Kurogane-sama, but Syaoran really wants to make him proud!"
Just like that, the stabbing ache in his chest was back. "I guess you hadn't heard yet." He took a deep breath. It wasn't like it was a secret; everyone who lived in the convent would know by the time the day was out. "Kurogane… left the order for a while. He has some things he needs to work out. But in the meantime, someone else would have to take over Syaoran's training, and most of the other Templars are busy with their own -"
"But why would he leave?" Little Kitty was even more shocked than before, almost on the verge of tears. "I don't understand! Why would he do such a thing?"
"Because…" Fai hesitated. Kurogane's accusations rang back in his head - that Fai was making excuses to cover up the evil actions of the corrupt churchmembers, that he refused to admit the truth. He didn't want to lie, or deny that such terrible things had ever happened - but how could he burden this sweet young girl with such horrors? "Because he -"
He never got to finish that sentence.
Little Kitty jerked suddenly, a gasp leaving her throat. Then her eyelids fluttered as her head rolled back, and she slumped as though boneless on the stone bench. Fai hastily reached out to support her, but his hand bounced off thin air as though it had encountered a padded barrier.
The sound of a roaring whirlwind filled the courtyard, although the air was as still and calm as it was before, and Fai's eyes widened as he recognized the unmistakable presence of magic - an attack of some kind, a hostile magic he had never sensed before! The girl's slender body jerked up, rigidly as a board, and she began to float into the air as an eerie glow slowly spread over her skin.
Fai came to his feet, casting a counterspell almost without thinking. He had no idea who could be doing this, or what kind of witchcraft could reach into the heart of this sacred space, but it was evident that someone had. Blue and white lines of symbols scrolled from his fingertips as he chanted the words in Latin, and a bright-glowing sphere swirled up and sealed into place around the afflicted girl.
Once the barrier was up, sealing Little Kitty away from the outside world and whatever force was seeking to harm her, Fai turned to kill the magics already at work. He shifted from a protective spell to a counterspell, furiously working to nullify any magics within the field of his own magic. It was complicated and difficult, keeping two spells going at once while wrestling with the effects of a third, but this was the kind of magic at which he had always excelled. It was almost an exhilaration, matching his mind against his enemy's mind, smothering the bursts of power like sand over a fire and tearing apart the framework that had carried the spell in the first place. When at last the final trace of hostile magic vanished, Fai nearly shouted with triumph.
But when his shield vanished, Little Kitty slumped back down against the stone bench in the total listlessness of unconsciousness. Her eyes were closed, and with the eldritch light gone, her skin had gone a frightening gray color.
Fai caught her limp body before it hit the ground, but despite his repeated, frightened calls of her name, she did not answer.
~to be continued...