A night in an alabama yuppie bar.
Place: House of Brews
Time: 3:30
The house of brews is a trendy little coffee shop with a pub upstairs, and apart from your usual young, urban professional stopping by for a chai latte and a scone (Scones deliciously baked by my friend and hostess, Rachel) or Margaritas and Manicures, which is what this particular pub does ritually on tuesday nights. I realized I was about to be surrounded by young soccer moms, there are only two things worse than soccer moms; Soccer moms with a southern accent, and Drunk soccer moms with a southern accent getting a manicure. Thankfully the manicurist called and cancelled, and instead I just had to endure a few hours of awful accoustic mutilations of songs such as Folsom Prison Blues, American Pie, and a whole slew of classics that my memory seems to be blocking, with very good reason.
I was seated at the bar next to the lovely Rachel, and a local redneck, greying, probably in his late fifties. This man, I would soon come to find out was no less than the famous Lance Sayles, who if you didn't know pretty much runs the horse saddle buisness in Calgary, Alberta. Now being of such high social and financial standing, it would make sense that chinese hitmen and bikers hired off the street would be after his life, and the assailants commander(s), after his fortune. So I wasn't very suprised to find out that Lance Sayles has an evil twin brother, who is evidently very deeply rooted in politics, and has been carefully plotting Lance's demise, probably since the last time they talked face to face, which I'm told was at the age of 16. He falsified power of attourney while their father was in a coma, and embezzled the money that was rightfully Lances. Not only did he do this, but he arranged 2 attempts on Lance's life, they were of course, unsuccessful seeing as how Lance was trained in Tae Kwon Doe from a now very rich, restauraunt owner named Master Choy. Master Choy was quite an influence on Lance, training him to black belt in a rigorous 12 year program or something crazy like that. Master Choy also carried with him a mysterious dark case enscribed with god knows what, but my experience with kung fu movies tells me that it can be nothing short of black magic. In this dark case Master Choy carried accupuncture needles, which he used to cure lances arm, which (and I saw the scars) was terribly mangled and paralized in a car wreck. I heard several other stories of the dark art Master Choy was very secretive of, but they were always as miraculous and mysterious as jesus curing the blind, lepers, parapalegics, etc. He also occasionally delved into an aside on one of my favorite topics, drugs, Marijuana, in particular. He told us a story about how when he was a landlord up in Alberta, CA one of his tennants was busted growing over a million in pot plants. Of course, the Evil side of Sayles tried to pin this on Lance, but he narrowly evaded prosecution, because someone in the saddle buisness cannot have their reputation tarnished by talking to someone that smokes marijuana, let alone grows and sells it. Lance later admitted to being a pot head and told me that the weed in Alberta is to die for, and that when he finally puts his evil twin and his conglomerate behind bars, and he's not only running the saddle world but the entire world, he's making Rachel the Empress of Canada, and I will be the "Head Weedinator."
Signing off,
Head Weedinator, David L.K.
Authors Note;
While I jest at the stories Lance told me, as if they might be delusions of grandure or paranoid schizophrenia, I believed every word he told me. He even said that by showing me 4 documents he can prove that everything he said was true. He said these documents could not be revealed because of his open court cases, and because he could be charged with insider trading. God bless you Lance Sayles, and good luck on your long harrowing legal battle.
Time: 3:30
The house of brews is a trendy little coffee shop with a pub upstairs, and apart from your usual young, urban professional stopping by for a chai latte and a scone (Scones deliciously baked by my friend and hostess, Rachel) or Margaritas and Manicures, which is what this particular pub does ritually on tuesday nights. I realized I was about to be surrounded by young soccer moms, there are only two things worse than soccer moms; Soccer moms with a southern accent, and Drunk soccer moms with a southern accent getting a manicure. Thankfully the manicurist called and cancelled, and instead I just had to endure a few hours of awful accoustic mutilations of songs such as Folsom Prison Blues, American Pie, and a whole slew of classics that my memory seems to be blocking, with very good reason.
I was seated at the bar next to the lovely Rachel, and a local redneck, greying, probably in his late fifties. This man, I would soon come to find out was no less than the famous Lance Sayles, who if you didn't know pretty much runs the horse saddle buisness in Calgary, Alberta. Now being of such high social and financial standing, it would make sense that chinese hitmen and bikers hired off the street would be after his life, and the assailants commander(s), after his fortune. So I wasn't very suprised to find out that Lance Sayles has an evil twin brother, who is evidently very deeply rooted in politics, and has been carefully plotting Lance's demise, probably since the last time they talked face to face, which I'm told was at the age of 16. He falsified power of attourney while their father was in a coma, and embezzled the money that was rightfully Lances. Not only did he do this, but he arranged 2 attempts on Lance's life, they were of course, unsuccessful seeing as how Lance was trained in Tae Kwon Doe from a now very rich, restauraunt owner named Master Choy. Master Choy was quite an influence on Lance, training him to black belt in a rigorous 12 year program or something crazy like that. Master Choy also carried with him a mysterious dark case enscribed with god knows what, but my experience with kung fu movies tells me that it can be nothing short of black magic. In this dark case Master Choy carried accupuncture needles, which he used to cure lances arm, which (and I saw the scars) was terribly mangled and paralized in a car wreck. I heard several other stories of the dark art Master Choy was very secretive of, but they were always as miraculous and mysterious as jesus curing the blind, lepers, parapalegics, etc. He also occasionally delved into an aside on one of my favorite topics, drugs, Marijuana, in particular. He told us a story about how when he was a landlord up in Alberta, CA one of his tennants was busted growing over a million in pot plants. Of course, the Evil side of Sayles tried to pin this on Lance, but he narrowly evaded prosecution, because someone in the saddle buisness cannot have their reputation tarnished by talking to someone that smokes marijuana, let alone grows and sells it. Lance later admitted to being a pot head and told me that the weed in Alberta is to die for, and that when he finally puts his evil twin and his conglomerate behind bars, and he's not only running the saddle world but the entire world, he's making Rachel the Empress of Canada, and I will be the "Head Weedinator."
Signing off,
Head Weedinator, David L.K.
Authors Note;
While I jest at the stories Lance told me, as if they might be delusions of grandure or paranoid schizophrenia, I believed every word he told me. He even said that by showing me 4 documents he can prove that everything he said was true. He said these documents could not be revealed because of his open court cases, and because he could be charged with insider trading. God bless you Lance Sayles, and good luck on your long harrowing legal battle.