(no subject)
I took the civil service test today. Thirty minutes into it, I started to space out. I looked around and thought about the past week. I wondered when Ty and I would get back together, and wondered further about whether or not I would be successful with this endeavor. All of this, everything that I'm doing, is just a means to an end.
All I want to do in life is art.
But I can't live off of that. I HAVE to have a full-time job to back me and my family up financially. If I happen to be the next Frank Miller, then props to me. But that won't happen instantly. I have to have money and I have to be independently financed. I can't depend on anyone else.... This is my dream.
It was a dream that I shared with Ty, and to some degree still do... But I became dependent on him... And that's when all this started.
Suddenly, I realized I had nearly forty-five minutes left of the test and I wasn't finished. I looked down and just stared at the test....
I had a page left.
I had finished the majority of the test in about an hour. Had I not zoned out, I would have been done. I was pissed.
The test was so easy. Ridiculously easy.
I turned it in, and walked away from the testing room, scoffing. I was disappointed in myself for putting this test off for six months... I was angry at myself for prolonging it and psyching it up to be a make-or-break test. It was basic grammar, spelling, punctuation, and opinions. I had told myself that I wasn't going to be able to finish it, or that I would fail.
It was so easy.... I was afraid for nothing...
I wanted to cry.
All I want to do in life is art.
But I can't live off of that. I HAVE to have a full-time job to back me and my family up financially. If I happen to be the next Frank Miller, then props to me. But that won't happen instantly. I have to have money and I have to be independently financed. I can't depend on anyone else.... This is my dream.
It was a dream that I shared with Ty, and to some degree still do... But I became dependent on him... And that's when all this started.
Suddenly, I realized I had nearly forty-five minutes left of the test and I wasn't finished. I looked down and just stared at the test....
I had a page left.
I had finished the majority of the test in about an hour. Had I not zoned out, I would have been done. I was pissed.
The test was so easy. Ridiculously easy.
I turned it in, and walked away from the testing room, scoffing. I was disappointed in myself for putting this test off for six months... I was angry at myself for prolonging it and psyching it up to be a make-or-break test. It was basic grammar, spelling, punctuation, and opinions. I had told myself that I wasn't going to be able to finish it, or that I would fail.
It was so easy.... I was afraid for nothing...
I wanted to cry.