(no subject)
Bah, hectic week at sea. Still don't quite know what to make of my bosses and co-workers (per say) especially because they only have an inkiling of what I actually do. And in general all I really do is make sure people are in a good enough condition to do their job.
I'm starting to think I should stave off alcohol, at least in public settings. I know I tend to get depressed when I'm drinking (I'm finally come to terms with this), and dissapear on whoever I am with (just did it again tonight for instance... a few guys who aren't even friends, so it's not a big deal, at least in my eyes... for now); we all know what I'm like when I'm depressed... looking for a corner to die suicidey depressed that is :( And the sad thing is 70% of the time I don't even know why. The other 30% is usually because I feel like no one understands me/I'll never get a girl. You know, the same shit I've been dealing with since 2000.
So, I tend to get quieter than usual when I drink, or at least when I'm letting the alcohol settle between rounds of drinks. It apparently freaks people out, and a lot more than it rightfully should. It might be one of the reasons I tend to dissapear on people, they try to make me something I'm not, or something I know I couldn't morally do. It's also probably the reason I havn't even put myself out there in the dating scene, because I play by different standards, or perhaps a different set of rules than others that are readily accesable to me.
Even at Cons, or at home among friends I still feel out of place, as though I'm a piece from a different version of the same puzzle. I can fit in a couple places, but never where I should. So in the end, the puzzle lies completed, with a single piece missing, while I stay hidden in the box, or carefully shoved into the puzzle, with edges of my personality trimmed so that I fit in, even if awkardly.
Emo post for the month.
I'm starting to think I should stave off alcohol, at least in public settings. I know I tend to get depressed when I'm drinking (I'm finally come to terms with this), and dissapear on whoever I am with (just did it again tonight for instance... a few guys who aren't even friends, so it's not a big deal, at least in my eyes... for now); we all know what I'm like when I'm depressed... looking for a corner to die suicidey depressed that is :( And the sad thing is 70% of the time I don't even know why. The other 30% is usually because I feel like no one understands me/I'll never get a girl. You know, the same shit I've been dealing with since 2000.
So, I tend to get quieter than usual when I drink, or at least when I'm letting the alcohol settle between rounds of drinks. It apparently freaks people out, and a lot more than it rightfully should. It might be one of the reasons I tend to dissapear on people, they try to make me something I'm not, or something I know I couldn't morally do. It's also probably the reason I havn't even put myself out there in the dating scene, because I play by different standards, or perhaps a different set of rules than others that are readily accesable to me.
Even at Cons, or at home among friends I still feel out of place, as though I'm a piece from a different version of the same puzzle. I can fit in a couple places, but never where I should. So in the end, the puzzle lies completed, with a single piece missing, while I stay hidden in the box, or carefully shoved into the puzzle, with edges of my personality trimmed so that I fit in, even if awkardly.
Emo post for the month.