(no subject)
I posted an entry to myself that made me feel better about things. I've had a pretty horrid couple of weeks.
First off, on a positive note, I should (I hope) get the job I've been wanting. Noreen (the lady at Pitt I'd be working for) has basically said I as much as have the job, but she has to take care of a few small problems with Pitt HR. I hope she can. A lot is riding on this, for me.
For anyone that's interested (probably only Steve- and I don't mean just here, I mean out of most people we know), I've made a lot of headway with the Shrub site in the past week or so. I have to iron out some things regarding input validation and so forth but I even have a fairly good idea how to do that, and the rest should be pretty much downhill after that.
The Taylor thing didn't work out. She claims that her new job is making her work 12+ hour days, and that she doesn't really have time for dating. I hope that's true and she didn't just make that up to get away from me. I was originally thinking that was what was happening (I didn't hear from her *at all* for over a week), but I think I know her well enough to find that kind of unlike her. I think if she didn't like me for whatever reason, she would have told me to my face.
I've been super-depressed about a lot of things lately, but I think I have things in perspective. I guess, when you look at it the right way, right now should be really exciting for me- at least provided I get the job in question. Many people never really get the chance to start completely over.
Well, I certainly have the chance to do that. I know of maybe 15-20 people who would care if they ever saw me again. I have so few ties it's ridiculous.
But, on the other hand... I don't know. It's really hard to explain.
I get depressed and bitter because it seems everyone else is so much more successful, either socially or job-wise (or both) than I am. But, really, is every moment of their lives as awesome as it would appear? Or do they spend a lot of their time wishing they were somewhere else? Or someone else?
I don't have time for that. Anything I've wanted to do, I've either done or made significant attempts at doing. Maybe what looks to me like social success in other people is derived from them being afraid of being alone. Maybe they can't stand a lot of the people they know, secretly, but they'd never admit it because that would mean they'd have to do something about it. I've spent 75% or more of my life literally and utterly alone. I'm not afraid of it.
It's crazy to think that, while I certainly don't have very much, I'm actually more free than the people who are supposedly so avant-garde / cutting-edge / non-conformist. There's a whole boatload of people out there whose non-conformity is really just a means of getting attention. For me, it's who I am.
My whole life, I've felt like an alien, or like a square peg in a round hole. But there's a weird sort of beauty to being born into a world you really don't belong in. It's not that the same rules don't apply to you, because they do. But you don't have to believe in anything anyone else believes in. You don't get saddled with the same retarded social programming other people have to struggle through, and, as such, you see things a bit more clearly.
I don't know if there's any purpose at all to life, I really don't. But if there is, maybe my purpose here is to just learn how to be truly free, and go where my desires take me.
So... for the short term, let's hope I get this job. I think it'll open some doors for me and let some much-needed fresh air in.
Oh, I'm also doing not one but TWO projects for the RPM Challenge, in addition to contributing some stuff to the Bloody Asshat project. One is Lovooq Kesforvop. You've heard me ramble about that before. I made a page for it but the links don't do anything yet:
ta-da!
The other one I'm calling Thalidomide Youth. I'm using it to channel a lot of the depression and negativity I've been feeling lately.
Think along the lines of really grotesquely angular blues, played in weird time signatures, by a frighteningly insane, emphysematic old man literally on his deathbed. I'm actually doing "vocals" for it but these are entirely composed of gasps and wheezes and croaks. I think I should also include coughing into my vocal repertoire, too. I'll post lyrics as I write them but what few I do have are, again, blues-inspired, i.e. they follow the same call-and-response pattern (same phrase repeated a few times followed by a variation, etc.).
First off, on a positive note, I should (I hope) get the job I've been wanting. Noreen (the lady at Pitt I'd be working for) has basically said I as much as have the job, but she has to take care of a few small problems with Pitt HR. I hope she can. A lot is riding on this, for me.
For anyone that's interested (probably only Steve- and I don't mean just here, I mean out of most people we know), I've made a lot of headway with the Shrub site in the past week or so. I have to iron out some things regarding input validation and so forth but I even have a fairly good idea how to do that, and the rest should be pretty much downhill after that.
The Taylor thing didn't work out. She claims that her new job is making her work 12+ hour days, and that she doesn't really have time for dating. I hope that's true and she didn't just make that up to get away from me. I was originally thinking that was what was happening (I didn't hear from her *at all* for over a week), but I think I know her well enough to find that kind of unlike her. I think if she didn't like me for whatever reason, she would have told me to my face.
I've been super-depressed about a lot of things lately, but I think I have things in perspective. I guess, when you look at it the right way, right now should be really exciting for me- at least provided I get the job in question. Many people never really get the chance to start completely over.
Well, I certainly have the chance to do that. I know of maybe 15-20 people who would care if they ever saw me again. I have so few ties it's ridiculous.
But, on the other hand... I don't know. It's really hard to explain.
I get depressed and bitter because it seems everyone else is so much more successful, either socially or job-wise (or both) than I am. But, really, is every moment of their lives as awesome as it would appear? Or do they spend a lot of their time wishing they were somewhere else? Or someone else?
I don't have time for that. Anything I've wanted to do, I've either done or made significant attempts at doing. Maybe what looks to me like social success in other people is derived from them being afraid of being alone. Maybe they can't stand a lot of the people they know, secretly, but they'd never admit it because that would mean they'd have to do something about it. I've spent 75% or more of my life literally and utterly alone. I'm not afraid of it.
It's crazy to think that, while I certainly don't have very much, I'm actually more free than the people who are supposedly so avant-garde / cutting-edge / non-conformist. There's a whole boatload of people out there whose non-conformity is really just a means of getting attention. For me, it's who I am.
My whole life, I've felt like an alien, or like a square peg in a round hole. But there's a weird sort of beauty to being born into a world you really don't belong in. It's not that the same rules don't apply to you, because they do. But you don't have to believe in anything anyone else believes in. You don't get saddled with the same retarded social programming other people have to struggle through, and, as such, you see things a bit more clearly.
I don't know if there's any purpose at all to life, I really don't. But if there is, maybe my purpose here is to just learn how to be truly free, and go where my desires take me.
So... for the short term, let's hope I get this job. I think it'll open some doors for me and let some much-needed fresh air in.
Oh, I'm also doing not one but TWO projects for the RPM Challenge, in addition to contributing some stuff to the Bloody Asshat project. One is Lovooq Kesforvop. You've heard me ramble about that before. I made a page for it but the links don't do anything yet:
ta-da!
The other one I'm calling Thalidomide Youth. I'm using it to channel a lot of the depression and negativity I've been feeling lately.
Think along the lines of really grotesquely angular blues, played in weird time signatures, by a frighteningly insane, emphysematic old man literally on his deathbed. I'm actually doing "vocals" for it but these are entirely composed of gasps and wheezes and croaks. I think I should also include coughing into my vocal repertoire, too. I'll post lyrics as I write them but what few I do have are, again, blues-inspired, i.e. they follow the same call-and-response pattern (same phrase repeated a few times followed by a variation, etc.).