Is it worth it?
Is it really worth it, to fall in love and have it taken away so easily? Before Andrew, my current boyfriend, I had only loved one person for the past 3 years. But to me, Andrew is special, he somehow broke through my barriers into my heart. And I love him, but he is leaving back to the states. While I stay here in S. Korea til about mid March, then I leave to a different state than his. But by the time I get to the states, he might be deployed to Iraq. No matter what, we are going to be apart for what may be a very long time. The decision that we had decided to make is that we are to break-up after he leaves and stay friends. If we are meant to be then it is meant to be. For those who don't know me, I am not the type of person who cries easily. Especially not as much as I have done these past month and a half. But every time I think about the times that we have shared, I think of how painful it is to let go of a person who means this much to me... and I cry. When I close my eyes, I imagine him moving on with his life... and me still stuck in the past. I don't know how to let him go, and I am about to go insane thinking about it. I am not a big believer in God, but I was raised to do so. Why would God have me fall in love with a man I can't spend the rest of my life with? Why would He have me have feelings so strong, and then make me let go? We are going to break-up because we are jealous people, and I can't imagine going so long without being able to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, see his smile or to hear his laugh.
I know that I am 20 years old, and you may think that I don't know what love is. If this is not love, then I am going to be in HUGE trouble when real love comes around. I know that someday I will get past this. I know that I can meet other men and one day begin dating again. But when will the day come when I decide to let a man come close to my heart? When will my heart heal from all this heartbreak I am experiencing and for the continuous heartbreak that is about it come? I am falling apart right now, and it may be a very long time before I can put myself back together. I don't want to date other men, I dont want other men to hit on me... all I want to do is to be with Andrew. But fate is against us... Maybe me and Andrew will meet again, but being realistic, that most likely will not happen. I can't imagine myself moving on... but I have no choice.
I am hurting soo much right now... I wonder if it is worth it to fall in love only to let it shatter into a million pieces? In some ways I wish I never had opened my heart so wide to something that I knew would never last because it is too hard to let go. But I am happy of the memories that we have shared, and I will always remember then and him. Whether it leaves me an empty vessle or not, I was in love and I was loved.
I know that I am 20 years old, and you may think that I don't know what love is. If this is not love, then I am going to be in HUGE trouble when real love comes around. I know that someday I will get past this. I know that I can meet other men and one day begin dating again. But when will the day come when I decide to let a man come close to my heart? When will my heart heal from all this heartbreak I am experiencing and for the continuous heartbreak that is about it come? I am falling apart right now, and it may be a very long time before I can put myself back together. I don't want to date other men, I dont want other men to hit on me... all I want to do is to be with Andrew. But fate is against us... Maybe me and Andrew will meet again, but being realistic, that most likely will not happen. I can't imagine myself moving on... but I have no choice.
I am hurting soo much right now... I wonder if it is worth it to fall in love only to let it shatter into a million pieces? In some ways I wish I never had opened my heart so wide to something that I knew would never last because it is too hard to let go. But I am happy of the memories that we have shared, and I will always remember then and him. Whether it leaves me an empty vessle or not, I was in love and I was loved.