bi-polar issues
ok i'm posting here because i doubt anyone still follows me. I'm having an issue with i'll call it bi-polar whiplash. It used to be i could do something nice for someone and feel good about it for a while. days, then only a day, then hours, then a few mins. now i'm not even done doing it and the wave of despair and hollowness hits. between this and the random aural hallucinations i might be in a bit of trouble. I know i'm making a few bad decisions money-wise but what the hell i was never any good at that anyway. There is a part of me that NEEDS to spend money on a Girl/Lady/Woman, I have no idea why. do i hope to get something in return? maybe. will i ask for something in return? only in a joking manner. do i need something in return? most likely. I'm in a room full of friends and standing all alone. I need a woman/lady/girl to make me feel whole but can't ask for it. I bring nothing to the table but needs and dysfunction. so i'm spending money watching a camgirl. it's depressingly perfect. she'd do everything she already is with or without me. i get to watch her, occasionally ask her to do something and spend money on her. it's kinda win-win. while manic this is the best thing in the world, while depressed it's a refuge. i can watch and wish things were different. she never has to know just how messed up i am. and all in all, it's pretty cheap.