fic: Just Like A Photograph
Title: Just Like A Photograph
Fandom: Super Junior
Rating: PG
Genre: General/Angst
Pairing: None unless you count random friendships with people as pairings.
Summary: Whenever it rains, Leeteuk thinks back to the past when life was simple and without worries. Leeteuk POV. Part of the Cyworld series but unrelated to previous fics.
Disclaimer: I only own the storyline
A/N: Thanks to prototypic for being my beta ♥
Just Like A Photograph
I learnt about death at the early age of five. It is an age in which children start to learn things and actually retain the memory and lessons of new experiences. Seeing crows flock towards a half squashed and flattened robin on the road, wings beating weakly and erratically in an attempt to escape, I realized the truth about how cold and ugly life actually was. About how life isn’t something you joke about and about how my life could take the same course as the robin’s: being picked at and eaten alive by others - anytime.
-
Twenty-one years later, I found myself thinking about life again. It was raining outside when I arose at dawn for a new day; day in, day out, dormitory, hair salon, TV station. I didn’t know when, but my life had become repetitive - every step I took, every move I made. Everything was dull and lifeless, causing me to be numb to everything. Now was a world apart from my trainee days.
As I looked in the mirror, I glanced over my reflection without much thought. My dimple was long gone, my hair had turned limp and dull and my eyes had lost the sparkle they used to hold. My eyes darted towards the picture I had taped on the corner of the mirror. The tape had long since yellowed due to age, but it still kept the picture from falling.
Taped on the mirror was a picture of my childhood friend. It was there to remind myself the reason I was still here living the life of a Korean idol instead of going back to the place where he used to live.
My childhood friend, Jeung Wonsae, taught me about life’s many lessons and continuously helped me throughout my childhood. He was the one who had stopped me from making stupid, irrational decisions and convinced me to go with my sister to Myeongdong for a holiday when I didn’t want to leave his side. Thinking back now, I wondered what he was doing. It had been nine years since I had last seen him.
When I sat down in the meeting at SM head office and saw everyone else there, I wondered vaguely how they were coping with their schedules. The rain was still pouring down outside and I couldn’t be the only one having emotional thoughts at this time. We had all hit a point where there was no one we could talk to due to our schedules being so busy.
Today, we were having a meeting about what to prepare for the second concert and what was needed to deliver a performance that would be even better than the last time. I felt their eyes on me, willing me to start the meeting even though the manager is the one that begins it. Looking around, I noticed that the member’s eyes were all looking at me tiredly, guarding their feelings and emotions as if baiting me to help them because they knew how much I loved to help them.
However, I knew I couldn’t help them - not with problems of my own. Not with musing about life and wondering what was the point of living.
When the manager finally arrived with the tech support for the concert, I could have sworn that one of the concert helpers was Wonsae. I kept my eye on the group of strangers in the room, ignoring Siwon’s shooting looks of concern my way, Kangin’s reassuring hand being placed on my thigh and Sungmin gently nudging a cup of water towards me. They could all tell that I wasn’t paying attention but I didn’t really care.
When Wonsae stood up with his colleague to test the lighting effects, his eyes flickered over to mine before moving to the next member. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness when he didn’t even greet me. I wasn’t really sure if it was him but I continued to believe what I saw and I saw Jeung Wonsae.
Kangin cornered me when the meeting was over, concern evident on his face. “Hyung, is something wrong? You weren’t paying attention at all in the meeting and you didn’t respond to the questions that manager-hyung asked you.”
I looked at him confused, with no recollection whatsoever of anyone asking me any questions in the meeting. “I’m fine Kangin-ah. The question should really be if you’re okay. How are you managing the busy schedules and everything?”
A look of puzzlement passed over his face but it disappeared as fast as it appeared. “Of course I’m fine hyung. I hope you’re getting enough sleep and eating well.”
Smiling widely, I replied, “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Kangin didn’t say anything in return and I left him standing in the hallway alone in his thoughts. When I left the building to my car, I saw Wonsae standing next to it, as if he was waiting for me.
“Wonsae-ah! How come you didn’t call telling me that you were going to be helping with the concert?” I pulled him in a hug and noticed how still he was in my embrace. When he didn’t reply, I let go of him and studied his face.
It didn’t look like he had aged a day since I last saw him. He was still taller than me, more handsome than me and still had the pair of eyes that could pierce my soul. Suddenly, a raindrop fell on my head, making me blink and cover my head protectively. When I opened my eyes, I was left alone with the rain falling down hard on me.
Suddenly, the rain stopped. I looked up to see the dark blue fabric-like material of an umbrella being held over me by my friend, one of the most trustworthy people I had ever met: Kim Heechul. He looked at me with eyes almost as piercing as Wonsae’s.
“Don’t stay out in the rain for too long, stupid.” With that said, he handed me the umbrella and left me alone in the rain.
I turned around and saw the faint outline of Wonsae walking away, the rain falling around him but not on him. Maybe I would only see him when it rained…
-
I woke up the next day, with my heart racing and my entire body drenched in sweat even though the rain was still pouring. I had dreamed about a young boy running endlessly while trying to find someone or something. I knew from the moment the boy started to run that he would be doomed to an eternity of searching and never finding. When I woke up, a part of me imagined myself to be that little boy.
Padding through my darkened room to my computer, I ignored the harsh breeze coming from the open window and the icy cold feel of the tiles beneath my feet. Some people might have thought me to be insane for leaving the window open all night but to me, it was nice to wake up to the fresh feeling the cold brought.
After checking my usual Internet sites and purposely skipping over my Cyworld replies, I started to get ready for the next repetitive day, leaving the window open. Like every other day, my eyes flickered to the photograph on my mirror. He was the most respected hyung one could possibly have but that was nine years ago.
Reaching out to the closet, my hand paused from turning the knob as I remembered that I was at the dormitories, not my home and not in my real room where a box of my childhood memories were tucked away.
Today, the members and I were to go to the concert venue to look over the lighting, stage props and the layout; meaning that I would probably get a glimpse of Wonsae again if I was lucky. I always liked to think that luck was on my side.
During the lunch break, I ran over to Wonsae with a bright grin on my face in hopes of catching up with him, unlike yesterday where Heechul disturbed our conversation. “Wonsae-ah, how’s the lighting going so far?” I felt like a child yearning for a mother’s approval.
“Leeteuk-hyung.” I turned around with mild agitation for being disturbed again, only to see Kyuhyun staring at me with the same look Heechul had. Why were there so many people staring at me these days?
“Was there something you wanted, Kyuhyun-ah?”
Kyuhyun took my hand, his fingers threading mine and pulling my body away from Wonsae’s. “Manager-hyung wants to talk to you.” When I looked back, Wonsae was gone again.
The next time I closed my eyes was right before we went on stage for a mini performance. It was going to be the only shuteye I would get in a while, so I took the opportunity to use it well. I always take a small nap before performances; it allows me to calm my nerves and for me to think clearly.
The next time I opened my eyes, tears started to fall from them.
-
Two days later, Hankyung was standing in front of me. It didn’t come as a surprise to me when I saw the same expression Heechul and Kyuhyun had.
“Leeteuk-hyung, you haven’t been yourself lately,” he said, firm and straight to the point.
“I’m fine Hankyung-sshi.”
“You’ve been talking to air.” At that point, I was truly puzzled. Hadn’t they seen me talking to Wonsae? “Whenever you go on breaks, you never talk to us anymore. You always go to a corner and talk to yourself as if you’re talking to someone.”
“Wonsae…” I pointed at the very real male standing behind Hankyung, my childhood friend looking around as if to find me. When my eyes connected with Wonsae’s, I didn’t see any emotion at all. I didn’t see happiness, laughter or life.
“There’s no one there, hyung.”
And then I remembered. Jeung Wonsae died the day I went to Myeongdong with my sister. He died nine years ago on the day I was recruited under the SM Entertainment label.
Looking out the window, I noticed that it was raining as hard as it did nine years ago when I got the call from the hospital.
-
Whenever it rains as hard as it did now, the rain would remind me of Wonsae, the person who taught me about life, and it would make me happy just thinking about him. Only once a year was I able to think back all the way to the past, to when life was a lot more simple.
Whenever it rains as hard as it does now, I would close my eyes and see Wonsae and for the past few days, he would be there when I opened them. I wonder if he’s watching over me from above, watching over the angel who fell.
-
Another day passed and I realised that the childhood thought I had twenty-one years ago had come true. Like the robin on the road, I had become the victim of ruthless crows, people on the Internet arguing over the motives of my entries. Half defending me and half picking at me but none of them understanding me.
I sort of understand why my dimple disappeared. Somewhere along the life of a Korean Idol, I had lost sight of why I was still here and from that, I had lost the truth behind my smiles. Even if I remembered the lessons that Wonsae had taught me, I still wouldn’t be able to erase what the members saw. They will eternally remember that at one point in his life, Park Jungsu got lost in the rain and couldn’t separate his personal life from his professional one.
They all knew that it would take a while for me to go back to the way I was, the way I would smile without worries and with wisdom in my eyes, but until that day comes again…
…I’m sorry…
- fin -
--------------
Referenced CY Entries:
Leeteuk: 10.06.2009 01/02, 11.06.2009, 14.06.2009, 15.06.2009, 16.06.2009
That was pretty darn depressing aye? I just have to say that I got sick and tired of all those comments about these entries on Soompi and it made me angry but above all, it made me confused. Why? Well, every year Leeteuk has emo entries and I don't understand why we're being annoyed at him now. Bleh, I just wrote this in the moment of all that's happening so this part can really be ignored because I've probably been thinking about life way too much recently.
Special thanks again to prototypic who didn't want to beta this but I sorta forced her and she was the one who made this fic coherent and easier easy to read because I suck at writing in first person.
Like my fics? You can watch/ join kuresoto
Fandom: Super Junior
Rating: PG
Genre: General/Angst
Pairing: None unless you count random friendships with people as pairings.
Summary: Whenever it rains, Leeteuk thinks back to the past when life was simple and without worries. Leeteuk POV. Part of the Cyworld series but unrelated to previous fics.
Disclaimer: I only own the storyline
A/N: Thanks to prototypic for being my beta ♥
Just Like A Photograph
I learnt about death at the early age of five. It is an age in which children start to learn things and actually retain the memory and lessons of new experiences. Seeing crows flock towards a half squashed and flattened robin on the road, wings beating weakly and erratically in an attempt to escape, I realized the truth about how cold and ugly life actually was. About how life isn’t something you joke about and about how my life could take the same course as the robin’s: being picked at and eaten alive by others - anytime.
-
Twenty-one years later, I found myself thinking about life again. It was raining outside when I arose at dawn for a new day; day in, day out, dormitory, hair salon, TV station. I didn’t know when, but my life had become repetitive - every step I took, every move I made. Everything was dull and lifeless, causing me to be numb to everything. Now was a world apart from my trainee days.
As I looked in the mirror, I glanced over my reflection without much thought. My dimple was long gone, my hair had turned limp and dull and my eyes had lost the sparkle they used to hold. My eyes darted towards the picture I had taped on the corner of the mirror. The tape had long since yellowed due to age, but it still kept the picture from falling.
Taped on the mirror was a picture of my childhood friend. It was there to remind myself the reason I was still here living the life of a Korean idol instead of going back to the place where he used to live.
My childhood friend, Jeung Wonsae, taught me about life’s many lessons and continuously helped me throughout my childhood. He was the one who had stopped me from making stupid, irrational decisions and convinced me to go with my sister to Myeongdong for a holiday when I didn’t want to leave his side. Thinking back now, I wondered what he was doing. It had been nine years since I had last seen him.
When I sat down in the meeting at SM head office and saw everyone else there, I wondered vaguely how they were coping with their schedules. The rain was still pouring down outside and I couldn’t be the only one having emotional thoughts at this time. We had all hit a point where there was no one we could talk to due to our schedules being so busy.
Today, we were having a meeting about what to prepare for the second concert and what was needed to deliver a performance that would be even better than the last time. I felt their eyes on me, willing me to start the meeting even though the manager is the one that begins it. Looking around, I noticed that the member’s eyes were all looking at me tiredly, guarding their feelings and emotions as if baiting me to help them because they knew how much I loved to help them.
However, I knew I couldn’t help them - not with problems of my own. Not with musing about life and wondering what was the point of living.
When the manager finally arrived with the tech support for the concert, I could have sworn that one of the concert helpers was Wonsae. I kept my eye on the group of strangers in the room, ignoring Siwon’s shooting looks of concern my way, Kangin’s reassuring hand being placed on my thigh and Sungmin gently nudging a cup of water towards me. They could all tell that I wasn’t paying attention but I didn’t really care.
When Wonsae stood up with his colleague to test the lighting effects, his eyes flickered over to mine before moving to the next member. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness when he didn’t even greet me. I wasn’t really sure if it was him but I continued to believe what I saw and I saw Jeung Wonsae.
Kangin cornered me when the meeting was over, concern evident on his face. “Hyung, is something wrong? You weren’t paying attention at all in the meeting and you didn’t respond to the questions that manager-hyung asked you.”
I looked at him confused, with no recollection whatsoever of anyone asking me any questions in the meeting. “I’m fine Kangin-ah. The question should really be if you’re okay. How are you managing the busy schedules and everything?”
A look of puzzlement passed over his face but it disappeared as fast as it appeared. “Of course I’m fine hyung. I hope you’re getting enough sleep and eating well.”
Smiling widely, I replied, “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
Kangin didn’t say anything in return and I left him standing in the hallway alone in his thoughts. When I left the building to my car, I saw Wonsae standing next to it, as if he was waiting for me.
“Wonsae-ah! How come you didn’t call telling me that you were going to be helping with the concert?” I pulled him in a hug and noticed how still he was in my embrace. When he didn’t reply, I let go of him and studied his face.
It didn’t look like he had aged a day since I last saw him. He was still taller than me, more handsome than me and still had the pair of eyes that could pierce my soul. Suddenly, a raindrop fell on my head, making me blink and cover my head protectively. When I opened my eyes, I was left alone with the rain falling down hard on me.
Suddenly, the rain stopped. I looked up to see the dark blue fabric-like material of an umbrella being held over me by my friend, one of the most trustworthy people I had ever met: Kim Heechul. He looked at me with eyes almost as piercing as Wonsae’s.
“Don’t stay out in the rain for too long, stupid.” With that said, he handed me the umbrella and left me alone in the rain.
I turned around and saw the faint outline of Wonsae walking away, the rain falling around him but not on him. Maybe I would only see him when it rained…
-
I woke up the next day, with my heart racing and my entire body drenched in sweat even though the rain was still pouring. I had dreamed about a young boy running endlessly while trying to find someone or something. I knew from the moment the boy started to run that he would be doomed to an eternity of searching and never finding. When I woke up, a part of me imagined myself to be that little boy.
Padding through my darkened room to my computer, I ignored the harsh breeze coming from the open window and the icy cold feel of the tiles beneath my feet. Some people might have thought me to be insane for leaving the window open all night but to me, it was nice to wake up to the fresh feeling the cold brought.
After checking my usual Internet sites and purposely skipping over my Cyworld replies, I started to get ready for the next repetitive day, leaving the window open. Like every other day, my eyes flickered to the photograph on my mirror. He was the most respected hyung one could possibly have but that was nine years ago.
Reaching out to the closet, my hand paused from turning the knob as I remembered that I was at the dormitories, not my home and not in my real room where a box of my childhood memories were tucked away.
Today, the members and I were to go to the concert venue to look over the lighting, stage props and the layout; meaning that I would probably get a glimpse of Wonsae again if I was lucky. I always liked to think that luck was on my side.
During the lunch break, I ran over to Wonsae with a bright grin on my face in hopes of catching up with him, unlike yesterday where Heechul disturbed our conversation. “Wonsae-ah, how’s the lighting going so far?” I felt like a child yearning for a mother’s approval.
“Leeteuk-hyung.” I turned around with mild agitation for being disturbed again, only to see Kyuhyun staring at me with the same look Heechul had. Why were there so many people staring at me these days?
“Was there something you wanted, Kyuhyun-ah?”
Kyuhyun took my hand, his fingers threading mine and pulling my body away from Wonsae’s. “Manager-hyung wants to talk to you.” When I looked back, Wonsae was gone again.
The next time I closed my eyes was right before we went on stage for a mini performance. It was going to be the only shuteye I would get in a while, so I took the opportunity to use it well. I always take a small nap before performances; it allows me to calm my nerves and for me to think clearly.
The next time I opened my eyes, tears started to fall from them.
-
Two days later, Hankyung was standing in front of me. It didn’t come as a surprise to me when I saw the same expression Heechul and Kyuhyun had.
“Leeteuk-hyung, you haven’t been yourself lately,” he said, firm and straight to the point.
“I’m fine Hankyung-sshi.”
“You’ve been talking to air.” At that point, I was truly puzzled. Hadn’t they seen me talking to Wonsae? “Whenever you go on breaks, you never talk to us anymore. You always go to a corner and talk to yourself as if you’re talking to someone.”
“Wonsae…” I pointed at the very real male standing behind Hankyung, my childhood friend looking around as if to find me. When my eyes connected with Wonsae’s, I didn’t see any emotion at all. I didn’t see happiness, laughter or life.
“There’s no one there, hyung.”
And then I remembered. Jeung Wonsae died the day I went to Myeongdong with my sister. He died nine years ago on the day I was recruited under the SM Entertainment label.
Looking out the window, I noticed that it was raining as hard as it did nine years ago when I got the call from the hospital.
-
Whenever it rains as hard as it did now, the rain would remind me of Wonsae, the person who taught me about life, and it would make me happy just thinking about him. Only once a year was I able to think back all the way to the past, to when life was a lot more simple.
Whenever it rains as hard as it does now, I would close my eyes and see Wonsae and for the past few days, he would be there when I opened them. I wonder if he’s watching over me from above, watching over the angel who fell.
-
Another day passed and I realised that the childhood thought I had twenty-one years ago had come true. Like the robin on the road, I had become the victim of ruthless crows, people on the Internet arguing over the motives of my entries. Half defending me and half picking at me but none of them understanding me.
I sort of understand why my dimple disappeared. Somewhere along the life of a Korean Idol, I had lost sight of why I was still here and from that, I had lost the truth behind my smiles. Even if I remembered the lessons that Wonsae had taught me, I still wouldn’t be able to erase what the members saw. They will eternally remember that at one point in his life, Park Jungsu got lost in the rain and couldn’t separate his personal life from his professional one.
They all knew that it would take a while for me to go back to the way I was, the way I would smile without worries and with wisdom in my eyes, but until that day comes again…
…I’m sorry…
- fin -
--------------
Referenced CY Entries:
Leeteuk: 10.06.2009 01/02, 11.06.2009, 14.06.2009, 15.06.2009, 16.06.2009
That was pretty darn depressing aye? I just have to say that I got sick and tired of all those comments about these entries on Soompi and it made me angry but above all, it made me confused. Why? Well, every year Leeteuk has emo entries and I don't understand why we're being annoyed at him now. Bleh, I just wrote this in the moment of all that's happening so this part can really be ignored because I've probably been thinking about life way too much recently.
Special thanks again to prototypic who didn't want to beta this but I sorta forced her and she was the one who made this fic coherent and easier easy to read because I suck at writing in first person.
Like my fics? You can watch/ join kuresoto