(no subject)
exhale
i have separation anxiety
the things i hold dear to me. i undervalue immensely. my school, my friends, my relationships, my family. i don't want to leave them or have to choose between them. i'm close to these things and i don't want to leave them. i have a hard time dealing with having to leave areas, discontinue contact with people because of this fear of loneliness. it took a great deal of adjustment at ucla to get comfortable under my skin, and it is as though once i was able to, my time has come to move on. i don't know what the future holds for me, nor do i have a path carved out for me like i had originally thought/had/done before. this is complete limbo as where i operate at home and here are two different sides of the spectrum. and i hate that. two different worlds. i operate under the assumption that i can escape either or, but in reality i want to combine these worlds. from the bay to socal, from la to home. these worlds i want to become my own, but i can't help but have to choose between what is fair and unfair and what is realistic and what is unrealistic.
i dont want to leave my family or socal for that matter for graduate school. it KILLS me to think that i'm going to have to do so unless i fork over some serious cash to offset the cost of living and tuition that i am forced to pay if i decide to stay here. this and going away from home, from socal, from cali to another area puts me in yet another conundrum in trying to adjust to a foreign area, to foreign people, to a different hood, to a different world. and before i know it. i'm back home. back in cali. back in socal, back in la, back at home.
these two worlds i operate under hurt me. i want to stay within both, but i can't. i've been living this fantasy for the past 4 years and now with the signs showing that ucla is nearing its conclusion, i can only pack my bags and go home. the real home.
i don't know what the future has. i'm jealous of those who know what's going on in life and have a decent 9 to 5 job ready for them upon their graduation. i know i have to attend another 2 - 6 years of school to do what i want to do in life, but i can't imagine leaving. i miss these things. i hate it that i have these concepts in me that impede how i operate. this is why i had to give up so many things i value the past couple of years only to have it blow up in my face again and realize that i'm in this situation. yet again. yet again.
i have separation anxiety
the things i hold dear to me. i undervalue immensely. my school, my friends, my relationships, my family. i don't want to leave them or have to choose between them. i'm close to these things and i don't want to leave them. i have a hard time dealing with having to leave areas, discontinue contact with people because of this fear of loneliness. it took a great deal of adjustment at ucla to get comfortable under my skin, and it is as though once i was able to, my time has come to move on. i don't know what the future holds for me, nor do i have a path carved out for me like i had originally thought/had/done before. this is complete limbo as where i operate at home and here are two different sides of the spectrum. and i hate that. two different worlds. i operate under the assumption that i can escape either or, but in reality i want to combine these worlds. from the bay to socal, from la to home. these worlds i want to become my own, but i can't help but have to choose between what is fair and unfair and what is realistic and what is unrealistic.
i dont want to leave my family or socal for that matter for graduate school. it KILLS me to think that i'm going to have to do so unless i fork over some serious cash to offset the cost of living and tuition that i am forced to pay if i decide to stay here. this and going away from home, from socal, from cali to another area puts me in yet another conundrum in trying to adjust to a foreign area, to foreign people, to a different hood, to a different world. and before i know it. i'm back home. back in cali. back in socal, back in la, back at home.
these two worlds i operate under hurt me. i want to stay within both, but i can't. i've been living this fantasy for the past 4 years and now with the signs showing that ucla is nearing its conclusion, i can only pack my bags and go home. the real home.
i don't know what the future has. i'm jealous of those who know what's going on in life and have a decent 9 to 5 job ready for them upon their graduation. i know i have to attend another 2 - 6 years of school to do what i want to do in life, but i can't imagine leaving. i miss these things. i hate it that i have these concepts in me that impede how i operate. this is why i had to give up so many things i value the past couple of years only to have it blow up in my face again and realize that i'm in this situation. yet again. yet again.