morbid sunday
hon came extra early today..
it was originally planned that we'd do his laundry then hang out somewhere to watch shrek 3 XD
due to some unexpected event, we ended up having such an unintentional goth morning
it was weird that I dressed up in my black spag and wore black shorts..
my eyes were still puffy from the night previous.. I don't remember when the last time was that I cried out so emotionally loud.. not even then.. not even for my grandma..
well..
maybe it was because I felt guilty that it happened..
that my actions, or lack of actions rather, led to what happened..
hon came all dressed in black.. I felt a sweatdrop roll at the back of my head through my hair.. weird that anime sweatdrops do actually happen T_T
couldn't even eat anything, just didn't feel hungry, even when hon snuck out one of their chicken sandwiches from his dorm..
he hugged me while I still squeezed out the last of my sobs..
then we decided to go to the back of the house to finally lay her down to rest
she had already expired the night before, but I just couldn't get myself to dig the grave having been left alone for the night..
she was beginning to let out a stench.. she basked in the sun and was already bloated and flies were feasting on all her exposed crevices..
despite her looking so repulsive.. I couldn't help having spacing out episodes while staring at her
"I didn't give her water on one of the hottest days of summer... but I remember her being loose from her chain so she could've easily gotten a drink from the other dogs bowls.."
I sulked at every thought that it was my fault she died..
but how could I have paid more attention, I was at "work"..
now she's gone..
I knew I had to dig her grave.. good that hon was there to help me..
after a good 3 hours of digging.. hon was brave enough to move the body into the pit.. and worse of, remove the collar she was wearing..
then he told me something that helped ease my mind a bit..
she didn't die first of heatstroke, apparently, he choked on her chain then died of heatstroke..
her chain caught on some uninstalled cement pillars lying next to where she was chained up..
as much as it seemed her death was more horrible than deemed.. hon assured me that it wasn't my fault..
I called kuya to help with everything and told him that me and hon had already dug a grave and set her free from her chain..
kuya poured some gasoline on her and a heap of dried leaves, lit her body with a candle tied to a stick and watched the flames consume her..
it was necessary since she had been dead for about two days and had already decomposed to some degree from the inside.. anything that came from her would be highly contaminated and infectious..
by some twisted urge, I took photos of her burning.. it was morbidly beautiful..
the way that her blood was boiling out of the abcesses of her skin..
the gradual exposure of her muscles, the contraction of her ligaments, the bursting of her insides..
the burning of her flesh into ashes..
it was a bit of satisfaction to my inner pyromaniac..
but then again, all this was a process to give her a proper and safe burial..
from ashes we came, as dust we shall return..