Apr 30, 2006 07:16
Heh, How can i put this into words? I feel like my life just ended. My heart is slowing down, as is my mind. No, I'm not on pills or slit wrists. Physically, I'm fine. Jamie/Kitty just walked out of my life. and took my son with her. I actually shed tears. The first three tears I've shed in over 10 years, and honestly, i might shed many more. No one's online right now and only the thought of my son is keeping me from doing anything stupid. God I wish I could end it, but I hope it never comes to that. The worst part is, even after she left, I still love her so very much. We've been together for 2 years and 7 or 8 months. We had a wedding date set for the end of June. She felt like I gave her no freedom and she had to walk on eggshells around me. Well, she's free, I just wish I was. I Don't know if I can handle being a part of my sons life later on. It hurts so very much. To know she might end up with another guy... it hurts. A lot.
Wanna hear the best part. Friday. Friday the 5th Zack turns a year old. A whole Year. She promised to bring him by but still... It hurts so very god damned much. I wish I was a druggie, or a cutter, or some such just so, i could make the hurtin stop. I wish I could go get into a fight and get killed, go moon the front of a train, or just get rid of some people i dislike. But I can't. Because I love my son so very much. Kitty said it was a one way relationship. That she's not in love with me anymore. Well I wish I Wasn't in love with her right now, because it hurts so damned much. Losing Zack, is heartwrenching. Losing Jamie, just as badly. Losing both? I wish I could die so very much right now.
Why am i spewing my guts on Live Journal? Because no ones online and I feel the urge to write this while it's fresh. While the tears are threatening my vision and my heart is freshly bleeding. I don't know how I'll feel later. I know a few deep meditations that limit emotion, I might try one, and I don't want anyone to think this doesn't hurt me, or I didn't love them. God even after all this pain i would take it over and over again just to be with them. Maybe she's not in love with me anymore, and maybe Zack might not grow up with his Daddy to love him every step of the way, But I want them both happy. I wish i could exchange my life to give them a better one. That would be a nice ending for me. I knew my Karma was fucked from a past life. But this is a little over the top.
I think i'll go cry, or die, or scream, or something now. My heart doesnt feel like its beating and my eyes have dried up. Gods, I cried. If only a little I cried, for the first time in over 10 years! I knew everyone would end up leaving me. My father did. My grandfather did. My Step-father did. Most of my friends have. And now the woman I love, and the Son I cherish. And somebody help me I can't even feel anger right now. God I wish I could.
I'll end this now. It's going to get repetitive. I doubt anyone even reads this or remembers who I am. See whoever the fuck is left around. Bai.