Jul 06, 2005 03:36
god i miss him.
and by him, i mean HIM.
went to torrington today, and on my way through litchfield i saw him for the first time since graduation. and im not even sure if it was him or someone else. but it was his stepdads car that he drives as well. but just the freaking POSSIBILITY that it was him that i saw made me so happy. so damned happy that i almost started crying. i smiled genuinely for the first time in god knows when. i didnt even get a good look, but damnit just the thought that it was him.. im so fucking pathetic.
everytime i drive by the road that u take to get to his house, i always, ALWAYS look. i dont kno if its wanting to know if by chance ill c him, or just to be able to look longingly, as i have for the past 4 years.
i want to write a letter. ive been thinking about it for awhile now. i NEED to let him kno, no matter how selfish that is. i cant go on keeping it to myself, i dont want to burden him in anyway, but i cant and i dont want to keep it bottled inside any longer. ive waited long enough. this is something that shouldve been said directly to him, but at this point, im too much of a damn coward to find him. i know where he lives and works. but i wont go to either. i cant. and the phone is out of the question too. i cant deal. ill choke up and make a total fool out of myself. atleast in written form, i can tell him how i feel truthfully and honestly without making myself seem like too much of an idiot. and i need to do this now. i heard him say something to one of his friends about leaving in july. and i dont want to miss my chance. not that i have a chance for like a relationship or anything, but the chance to tell him how i feel. right now, i almost wish someone loud and gossip-y would know and tell someone else, and it would eventually find its way to him. *snort* because im a total COWARD.
virtually everything i do or see reminds me in some way of him. whether its a conversation we had, something i overheard him say, or something i kno he likes. bleh. i need to get this out. NOW.
i dont kno how much longer i can deal with this.
please. let this b over with. give me strength and courage enough to go through with my cowardly confession. i will definitely need it.
to the one i ♥~ i miss u.