Breaking the Habit
"I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not all right
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight"
-Linkin Park, "Breaking the Habit"
You know it's bad when I quote Linkin Park in my LJ. XD
Anyway, I realized something about myself. Well, I knew it about myself, but I realized how infectious it was becoming.
I'm not letting this go.
I used every resource I had, including filing an academic directive against her so that we would be forced to not speak to each other (which I think was beneficial to both of us, as there's nothing I want to hear from her, and I have nothing nice to say to her, and as that old saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say...), to cut her out of my life. It was going really great for a while. But I still had some lingering feelings of anger on occasion. This anger was ultimately fueled by this silly website. I'd wait for her to write and see if she was saying terrible things about me and my friends, then get angry all over again when she did. I knew it was stupid, but like any true addict, I couldn't help myself. Apparently neither could she (not that this makes it any less wrong of me. My actions and decisions are my own). I got a little message saying she linked my last entry in her entry. I of course read it, only it didn't result in the same feelings it usually did. I just found it all extremely juvenile, and I couldn't even try to get myself worked up over anything she had said. I just shook my head and realized that I was sad at how eager she was to pick a fight, and how miserable she apparently was. I always thought that I would never care how miserable she was, because honestly I've had a fantastic semester overall. But then I started thinking about that whole pointing fingers and fingers pointing back at you stuff. I started realizing that I was being pretty juvenile myself. I was looking for reasons to get angry at her and hate her, which I've never really done before, and if I had, it certainly wasn't with this much voracity. I started thinking about how I don't want to be this person. I hate being angry, and even though I demanded to higher authority that she be removed from my life via contact to prevent me from being angry, I was still holding on to all that anger and hate.
Well now I have cut the final tie. I removed her from my list of journals on my friends page, so that I will never know what she writes. I could find her again, but I won't even allow myself that. I'm done being angry, I'm done being a hateful person. I think she can still read my journal, but I never really cared if she did or not. And if she does link any of my entries in her entries again, I'm going to ignore it. I'm going to stop seeking out the drama and let the fact that we're not supposed to talk to each other really cement, at least on my end. It's what I wanted from the beginning, and I was too angry and proud to let myself have it.
Because really, I have a lot going for me right now. Minus some tears last Friday and Saturday, I've been startlingly stable since Thanksgiving. I don't hate my job as much anymore, and the new semester will bring new hours that I might like better. I finished the last of my schoolwork today, so my semester is officially done, and in spite of a few setbacks, I got into basically every class I wanted, and next semester looks good so far. I'm making plans for break, and it looks like it's going to be a good one. My dad got a job, albeit a temporary one, so I know he'll be okay for a while. I just passed my five month anniversary with Dani and Ryan, and things are going great there. I'm seeing the Simmons crowd a lot and, even though we're all stressed over finals, we're all doing okay. Ashley is taking a hiatus from the story that she, Abby, and I started writing, so Abby and I had grabbed it and have been running wild with it. Ginny gave me a pile of CDs I've been meaning to get. I'm going to have time to crochet again. I feel pretty darn good about my life right now, and I don't want this negativity plaguing my mind anymore.
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not all right
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight"
-Linkin Park, "Breaking the Habit"
You know it's bad when I quote Linkin Park in my LJ. XD
Anyway, I realized something about myself. Well, I knew it about myself, but I realized how infectious it was becoming.
I'm not letting this go.
I used every resource I had, including filing an academic directive against her so that we would be forced to not speak to each other (which I think was beneficial to both of us, as there's nothing I want to hear from her, and I have nothing nice to say to her, and as that old saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say...), to cut her out of my life. It was going really great for a while. But I still had some lingering feelings of anger on occasion. This anger was ultimately fueled by this silly website. I'd wait for her to write and see if she was saying terrible things about me and my friends, then get angry all over again when she did. I knew it was stupid, but like any true addict, I couldn't help myself. Apparently neither could she (not that this makes it any less wrong of me. My actions and decisions are my own). I got a little message saying she linked my last entry in her entry. I of course read it, only it didn't result in the same feelings it usually did. I just found it all extremely juvenile, and I couldn't even try to get myself worked up over anything she had said. I just shook my head and realized that I was sad at how eager she was to pick a fight, and how miserable she apparently was. I always thought that I would never care how miserable she was, because honestly I've had a fantastic semester overall. But then I started thinking about that whole pointing fingers and fingers pointing back at you stuff. I started realizing that I was being pretty juvenile myself. I was looking for reasons to get angry at her and hate her, which I've never really done before, and if I had, it certainly wasn't with this much voracity. I started thinking about how I don't want to be this person. I hate being angry, and even though I demanded to higher authority that she be removed from my life via contact to prevent me from being angry, I was still holding on to all that anger and hate.
Well now I have cut the final tie. I removed her from my list of journals on my friends page, so that I will never know what she writes. I could find her again, but I won't even allow myself that. I'm done being angry, I'm done being a hateful person. I think she can still read my journal, but I never really cared if she did or not. And if she does link any of my entries in her entries again, I'm going to ignore it. I'm going to stop seeking out the drama and let the fact that we're not supposed to talk to each other really cement, at least on my end. It's what I wanted from the beginning, and I was too angry and proud to let myself have it.
Because really, I have a lot going for me right now. Minus some tears last Friday and Saturday, I've been startlingly stable since Thanksgiving. I don't hate my job as much anymore, and the new semester will bring new hours that I might like better. I finished the last of my schoolwork today, so my semester is officially done, and in spite of a few setbacks, I got into basically every class I wanted, and next semester looks good so far. I'm making plans for break, and it looks like it's going to be a good one. My dad got a job, albeit a temporary one, so I know he'll be okay for a while. I just passed my five month anniversary with Dani and Ryan, and things are going great there. I'm seeing the Simmons crowd a lot and, even though we're all stressed over finals, we're all doing okay. Ashley is taking a hiatus from the story that she, Abby, and I started writing, so Abby and I had grabbed it and have been running wild with it. Ginny gave me a pile of CDs I've been meaning to get. I'm going to have time to crochet again. I feel pretty darn good about my life right now, and I don't want this negativity plaguing my mind anymore.