i'm regretting everything before it even started....

[kuppylove]

sooooo... i had dance team tonight until 10. it sucked so bad, it wasn't even fun, and yeah we won't go there. sooo i was gonna hang out with brad and jackie and danny tonight. we hung out all day and went to the beach and then we were gonna go see a movie or do something after i was done with dance team.. i called my mom on the way home to ask her if they could just come over because it was too late to see a movie, but instead she blew up and said "jessica you already had people over once this week"... i'm so sick of her being so stupid... i'm 18 years old... I AM OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL. I TECHNICALLY SHOULDN'T EVEN BE LIVING HERE ANYMORE. and just because im not going away to school does not mean i shouldnt be able to do what i want. yes she's my mother and yes i live here, but i'm an adult now. i know i can't pay for things on my own and i can't support myself, but i should be able to come and go when i please, go out with whoever i feel like it. I'm not a baby anymore. If i get into trouble, it's my own fault, and nobody is there to be reliable for me anymore.. I'm my own person i wish she would let go of me, and get over the fact that I'm not so little anymore. It really bugs me when she asks me to stay home, because i don't want to.. staying home makes me lonely. i hate being lonely. i'm more lonely than any other time before now because everyone is going away, their will be practically none of my friends staying home to hang out with and i don't have a boyfriend or anything when everyone else who is staying home does have a boyfriend/girlfriend. i'm not gonna lie i think i'm depressed but im trying to keep myself busy and occupied so i don't have to think about it...i hate being alone.. you should love to be alone.. thats not normal to not want alone time sometimes...i want a good solid group of friends that don't talk shit about and who include me in everything and who like to hang out with me. i hate how people think i don't want to hang out with them because i have multiple groups of friends... my mom questioned me today on why i have so many friends.. like it was a problem or something. WHAT THE HELL??!?! i didn't know i was limited to only have 5 people who i can hang out with all the time. she was like "well you bring home a different groups of friends everynight, i don't know who any of these people are" well she doesn't know any of them because she never lets anyone come over here, maybe thats why. why is it that everyone is allowed to have their freedom and to do whatever they want and not get questioned on why they never stay home and why i have so many different friends.. then just because she doesnt know the people i hang out with she assumed i was doing illegal things and being a bad kid. when everyone knows i'm fucking not a bad kid.. i've never gotten in trouble with the cops in my life.
i'm honestly considering about looking into transferring to central second semester... i'm sick of this place and the year hasn't even started. i've been crying for 2 hours now, i didn't go out, i ditched the people i made plans with tonight, i havent gotten nothing accomplished, and i have been told that my mother hopes she drops dead of a heart attack for all the shit i put her through. i'm sorry for being such a horrible daughter. i'm sorry i dont' tell my parents everything about me. most of the time i don't feeel like talking to anyone about my personal life because i'm always told i'm too over dramatic therefor i keep it all built up inside and i don't say anything just to save everyone the trouble of listening to me.

i'm sick of everything in life right now.. i hate when i'm like this.. what's wrong with me :(