(no subject)
Well. I've been home a day.
I got in a big fight with my mom last night over certain issues. It didn't end badly, but...it was ugly and uncomfortable for a while.
The weather here, since I got back, has been windy, gloomy, rainy and cloudy. No sun. It's nice, because that's my favorite type of weather, and it also pretty much reflects how I'm feeling right now. Let's have a little "what I'm thankful for" post in honor of Turkey Day, what do you say, kids? Okay.
Tallahassee was a different, interesting experience.
I made three friends, Geneva, Jen and Heather, the latter of whom is incredibly intelligent and a pleasure to talk to, especially to share experiences with, discuss them, why things happen, et cetera. She actually wants to listen without waiting for her turn to speak. It's nice to stumble upon that, since you rarely if ever do so. So, I'm thankful for having met them - who knows, Heather, Geneva, Jen - one of them could end up becoming a really close friend. That'd be wonderful.
I'm thankful for being able to spend time with Colure and get to know her better, share stories about our lives, and have her help me with trying to live healthy, which is important if I want to live past the age of 27 (being a musician, I am destined to die at the age of 27 - so if you wanna fool around with me, do it now, you have one year left). I'm also thankful for her advice, guidance and support.
I'm thankful for coming to a realization about life.
You can call this overly negative, you can call this a "pretty sad view of life", whatever. But I've realized that planning your future...is a mistake. I'm not talking about saying "In five years I want to be this, doing this". I'm talking about adding details to your future plans. Saying "In five years I want this particular thing, and I want this to happen, with this person". General future-planning is fine.
Detailed future-planning is finite. It never works out that way. You can pray to whatever god you believe in - you can wish upon a million falling meteors - you can cross your fingers and just say "pleaseeeee, please let this happen"....
...and it's not going to.
So I'm thankful that this trip showed me that. It showed me that I was being an idiot, thinking things were going to go exactly my way - not accounting for variables, for life, for god's sake. I'm thankful that I was able to realize that maybe...maybe, what I want isn't what someone else wants...and that's okay. It hurts...but that's okay. I'm not going to lie, though. I wish that what I want is what that person wants too. And maybe they do want that. Maybe not right now.
I guess I can only sit there and say to myself that maybe, some day in the future, that "right now" will come along.
Who knows.
I'm thankful for feeling hurt, pain, anger and most importantly, sadness again. I needed that to break myself out of my funk. I've been so emotionally void that musically I haven't been able to do anything. Yet on the train ride back I shut my eyes, let my mind wander and wrote one of the songs that will end FOTW - an upbeat yet sad song. I threw out everything I wrote for Failure of the Week, with the exception of 2 or 3 songs. It was such an angry album...but as an angry album it's not accurate...it's sad...it's failure...it's a sad album. And that's what I'm writing. I'm sure I'll let you all hear more sooner than later.
I'm thankful for my mother. Who, even though we may differ over certain issues, she still will defend me with her life - and I'm thankful for her unconditional support and assistance. I'm especially thankful for the type of relationship we have - still a mother and her son, but at the core, two adults who are best friends and can share anything with one another, and most importantly, know that they can rely on the other person to be there for them no matter what. That is what I'm most thankful for.
I'm thankful for the people reading this livejournal - and the ones who aren't, but who are my friends. Some of you are closer to me than others, but I love you all the same. My life would not be what it is, my life wouldn't be as rich as it is, without you in it. And I am especially thankful for those friends who didn't turn their backs on me and ditch me just because it was the cool thing to do. Thank you for being real friends.
...they're not here anymore...
...but I'm thankful that my life was graced with the presence of Kishan, Ashley, Nicolai, David and Jhonn. I know they are all happier now than in this place we call "earth" but is only hell in disguise. I miss you guys every day. I will never forget.
Finally, I'm thankful to be alive. Simple as that.
I'm not going to say "I hope next year is better than this one" anymore.
This year was the worst year of my life, hands down. Everything that could've went wrong...went wrong.
I hope that next year I'm given even more to be thankful for.
Thank you, everyone. Whether you celebrate it or not; Happy Thanksgiving.
Bye.
I got in a big fight with my mom last night over certain issues. It didn't end badly, but...it was ugly and uncomfortable for a while.
The weather here, since I got back, has been windy, gloomy, rainy and cloudy. No sun. It's nice, because that's my favorite type of weather, and it also pretty much reflects how I'm feeling right now. Let's have a little "what I'm thankful for" post in honor of Turkey Day, what do you say, kids? Okay.
Tallahassee was a different, interesting experience.
I made three friends, Geneva, Jen and Heather, the latter of whom is incredibly intelligent and a pleasure to talk to, especially to share experiences with, discuss them, why things happen, et cetera. She actually wants to listen without waiting for her turn to speak. It's nice to stumble upon that, since you rarely if ever do so. So, I'm thankful for having met them - who knows, Heather, Geneva, Jen - one of them could end up becoming a really close friend. That'd be wonderful.
I'm thankful for being able to spend time with Colure and get to know her better, share stories about our lives, and have her help me with trying to live healthy, which is important if I want to live past the age of 27 (being a musician, I am destined to die at the age of 27 - so if you wanna fool around with me, do it now, you have one year left). I'm also thankful for her advice, guidance and support.
I'm thankful for coming to a realization about life.
You can call this overly negative, you can call this a "pretty sad view of life", whatever. But I've realized that planning your future...is a mistake. I'm not talking about saying "In five years I want to be this, doing this". I'm talking about adding details to your future plans. Saying "In five years I want this particular thing, and I want this to happen, with this person". General future-planning is fine.
Detailed future-planning is finite. It never works out that way. You can pray to whatever god you believe in - you can wish upon a million falling meteors - you can cross your fingers and just say "pleaseeeee, please let this happen"....
...and it's not going to.
So I'm thankful that this trip showed me that. It showed me that I was being an idiot, thinking things were going to go exactly my way - not accounting for variables, for life, for god's sake. I'm thankful that I was able to realize that maybe...maybe, what I want isn't what someone else wants...and that's okay. It hurts...but that's okay. I'm not going to lie, though. I wish that what I want is what that person wants too. And maybe they do want that. Maybe not right now.
I guess I can only sit there and say to myself that maybe, some day in the future, that "right now" will come along.
Who knows.
I'm thankful for feeling hurt, pain, anger and most importantly, sadness again. I needed that to break myself out of my funk. I've been so emotionally void that musically I haven't been able to do anything. Yet on the train ride back I shut my eyes, let my mind wander and wrote one of the songs that will end FOTW - an upbeat yet sad song. I threw out everything I wrote for Failure of the Week, with the exception of 2 or 3 songs. It was such an angry album...but as an angry album it's not accurate...it's sad...it's failure...it's a sad album. And that's what I'm writing. I'm sure I'll let you all hear more sooner than later.
I'm thankful for my mother. Who, even though we may differ over certain issues, she still will defend me with her life - and I'm thankful for her unconditional support and assistance. I'm especially thankful for the type of relationship we have - still a mother and her son, but at the core, two adults who are best friends and can share anything with one another, and most importantly, know that they can rely on the other person to be there for them no matter what. That is what I'm most thankful for.
I'm thankful for the people reading this livejournal - and the ones who aren't, but who are my friends. Some of you are closer to me than others, but I love you all the same. My life would not be what it is, my life wouldn't be as rich as it is, without you in it. And I am especially thankful for those friends who didn't turn their backs on me and ditch me just because it was the cool thing to do. Thank you for being real friends.
...they're not here anymore...
...but I'm thankful that my life was graced with the presence of Kishan, Ashley, Nicolai, David and Jhonn. I know they are all happier now than in this place we call "earth" but is only hell in disguise. I miss you guys every day. I will never forget.
Finally, I'm thankful to be alive. Simple as that.
I'm not going to say "I hope next year is better than this one" anymore.
This year was the worst year of my life, hands down. Everything that could've went wrong...went wrong.
I hope that next year I'm given even more to be thankful for.
Thank you, everyone. Whether you celebrate it or not; Happy Thanksgiving.
Bye.