(no subject)
It's been ages since I've last posted. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that the only person who ever really read these things has stopped talking to me months ago. Well Erica and Ren are still listed on my friends page but I don't think either of them read my other posts with any great regularity. Of course if either of them did see this I suppose I'd feel a little foolish for writing under the assumption that they won't, but oh well.
It feels like I've been through so much the last few months. I still haven't talked with Steph, although I have a clue as to why now. It turns out that Steph had left me not out of any sort of depression or life crisis, but to go fuck a guy from our world of warcraft guild. I can't possibly describe how much it hurt to find that out, how much it still hurts now. I only found out because my brothers girlfriend mentioned seeing Stephs location on her myspace being set to chicago, and well curiosity got the better of me. I visited her myspace page and pieced things together.
I took a while over the initial shock, which was by no means a quick process. After that i think the worst part of dealing with this wasn't that fact that she betrayed me, and technically would have cheated on me, as she didn't intend to break up with me untill after her initial trip to chicago. (and which considering the number of times steph told me how much she hated cheaters, makes her the biggest hypocrit I know). What really hurts is how easliy I was replaced. OVer three years with her, a ring on her finger, and it's like I never existed. In talking with her mother, Steph wanted her new boyfriend to take my place in her brothers wedding, as if I was just a place holder for her wedding plans. I felt really good to learn that her parents, or her brother for that matter, wouldn't hear of it.
Still the simple truth remains, is that she is happy halfway across the country and I am miserable and alone. It the worst at night, when I'm lying in bed staring out the window waiting to fall asleep. No matter what esle is going on in my life that's all I end up thinking about. Some tiems I can shake it off, other times I can't help but cry. Last night was particulary bad, which is partly why I decided to write all of this down. I realized I had no one to talk to about all of this especialy in the middle of the night. I signed onto the AOL last night for a little while figuring Erica would at least be sighend on. I was right , but I decided it wasn't fair to bother her with something like that so I never tried talking to her.
For those of you who might stumble upon this, Steph was the only reltion ship I've ever had, the only person I've ever been with, and I still feel like I was the one who screwed it up. No one blames me for caring about her finding work or cleaning up after herself. In the end though, I lost everything. I'm twenty seven years old, and I've screwed up the one chance at happines I've ever had. Every tells me some one else will come along. Let's be realistic though, I'm not going to meet soem nice girl by accident, The online dating hasn't worked, and as much as ever onle loves to tell me I'll meet some one, nobody knows any one that will give me a shot. I can't really blame them though. I'm not attractive, I'm not successfull, and I think what ever good Steph saw in me was eaten up my the bitterness I feel towards all of this. I made a few sad attemps at daitng since I've been back, but I don't think my heart was in it. I remeber so viviidly waht it was liek meeting Steph, snd I want to feel like that again. I'm sick and tired of meeting girls online and having the conversatiosn feel like more of a job interview.
My (lack of ) realtion ship troubles aside, My life has been rather uneventfull except for a few failed attemps at job hunting. I've decided that I'm just not cut out for sales, so I won't try that any more. I start a new job tommorow night. It could be a really great job, but it means giving up my D&D games, which relaly sucks, as they represent the whole of my social life at the moment. I just hope that the job is worth it, and that I can get my finances back on track. At leat that way if I do meet some one I can afford a relationship. I know meeting some one shouldn't be such a huge priority, or a priority at all for that matter, but It is important to me. I hate being alone, especialy after being with Steph for so long, and I want no further part of it.
I'm going to stop now, only becasue I don't know what else to say with out being redundant.
It feels like I've been through so much the last few months. I still haven't talked with Steph, although I have a clue as to why now. It turns out that Steph had left me not out of any sort of depression or life crisis, but to go fuck a guy from our world of warcraft guild. I can't possibly describe how much it hurt to find that out, how much it still hurts now. I only found out because my brothers girlfriend mentioned seeing Stephs location on her myspace being set to chicago, and well curiosity got the better of me. I visited her myspace page and pieced things together.
I took a while over the initial shock, which was by no means a quick process. After that i think the worst part of dealing with this wasn't that fact that she betrayed me, and technically would have cheated on me, as she didn't intend to break up with me untill after her initial trip to chicago. (and which considering the number of times steph told me how much she hated cheaters, makes her the biggest hypocrit I know). What really hurts is how easliy I was replaced. OVer three years with her, a ring on her finger, and it's like I never existed. In talking with her mother, Steph wanted her new boyfriend to take my place in her brothers wedding, as if I was just a place holder for her wedding plans. I felt really good to learn that her parents, or her brother for that matter, wouldn't hear of it.
Still the simple truth remains, is that she is happy halfway across the country and I am miserable and alone. It the worst at night, when I'm lying in bed staring out the window waiting to fall asleep. No matter what esle is going on in my life that's all I end up thinking about. Some tiems I can shake it off, other times I can't help but cry. Last night was particulary bad, which is partly why I decided to write all of this down. I realized I had no one to talk to about all of this especialy in the middle of the night. I signed onto the AOL last night for a little while figuring Erica would at least be sighend on. I was right , but I decided it wasn't fair to bother her with something like that so I never tried talking to her.
For those of you who might stumble upon this, Steph was the only reltion ship I've ever had, the only person I've ever been with, and I still feel like I was the one who screwed it up. No one blames me for caring about her finding work or cleaning up after herself. In the end though, I lost everything. I'm twenty seven years old, and I've screwed up the one chance at happines I've ever had. Every tells me some one else will come along. Let's be realistic though, I'm not going to meet soem nice girl by accident, The online dating hasn't worked, and as much as ever onle loves to tell me I'll meet some one, nobody knows any one that will give me a shot. I can't really blame them though. I'm not attractive, I'm not successfull, and I think what ever good Steph saw in me was eaten up my the bitterness I feel towards all of this. I made a few sad attemps at daitng since I've been back, but I don't think my heart was in it. I remeber so viviidly waht it was liek meeting Steph, snd I want to feel like that again. I'm sick and tired of meeting girls online and having the conversatiosn feel like more of a job interview.
My (lack of ) realtion ship troubles aside, My life has been rather uneventfull except for a few failed attemps at job hunting. I've decided that I'm just not cut out for sales, so I won't try that any more. I start a new job tommorow night. It could be a really great job, but it means giving up my D&D games, which relaly sucks, as they represent the whole of my social life at the moment. I just hope that the job is worth it, and that I can get my finances back on track. At leat that way if I do meet some one I can afford a relationship. I know meeting some one shouldn't be such a huge priority, or a priority at all for that matter, but It is important to me. I hate being alone, especialy after being with Steph for so long, and I want no further part of it.
I'm going to stop now, only becasue I don't know what else to say with out being redundant.