I've just figured out why I'm so scared...
I've always been an optimist... anyone would agree. Sometimes to the point of absolute annoyance. Truth be told though, pessimism has been a safer path in relationships. If you just assume people don't like you, are plotting against you, will leave you sooner or later for something or other, well, then when it happens, so what? I was expecting it all along. I may have been destroying my relationships with that attitude. Now I find myself with the greatest friends ever and the greatest boyfriend ever and I've figured out why I'm so scared. I've let the sunny outlook into my personal life. That's gotta be the reason I'm so happy yet so frightened about everything. That pessimistic devil in the back of my head is shouting "you're too trusting" "don't get your hopes up" "what do you think - you'll end up happily ever after?" while the majority of my brain is in total bliss mode, dreaming about the future and smiling and skipping all the way there. So I am sooooo happy and sooooo content but soooo scared... No Jesse jokes here, this is serious... well was til I mentioned Jesse... darn caffiene pills... I just can't shake this thought that I WILL mess this all up. And so I ignore it. Or try to as best I can until it shows it's ugly head and comes across as cruel and "that girl"ish... which could mess this all up. Ugh vicious cycle. Why do brains and emotions have to be so darn complex? Makes me wonder if the plankton have these kinds of problems. Pfft plankton.