As Above, So Below
Yeah... no.
A thoughtless daughter of an insane researcher leads a team of annoying college graduates through off-limits areas of France's underground catacombs to find the Philosopher's Stone, filming the whole thing via shaky cameras mounted on their headlamps.
There, you don't need to watch it. It's terrible.
Not convinced? Here, let me tell you some of the lovely flaws and tropes that I'm seeing.
*Ancient Aramaic, when translated into English, will rhyme.
*Though the 'foot' has been a unit of measurement in some fashion since the Greco-Roman period, it was hardly uniform and could vary notably between locales. Thus, you probably shouldn't rely on it to measure distance and depth without some serious number crunching.
*You do NOT ask the random local to guide you through a subterranean crypt.
*Please don't pressure, agitate, or yell at the guy having a claustrophobic attack in the tunnels. That's just rude.
*While on the topic of manners, fist fights and violent arguments aren't helping you get out, either.
*You most certainly DO NOT ask the creepy guy you just found who seems to LIVE in the tunnels to lead you around. WHO DOES THAT??
*A secondary character is an abused, scared black guy with few lines. Yes, he dies through no fault of his own. Thanks for relying on an outdated racist trope, you hacks.
*Is a creepy cult singing in the tunnels? Yes? Maybe come back another day?
*Bossy researcher is bossy.
*It's like watching an episode of Scooby Doo; you can tell which parts of the wall will be moved, should be moved, or are obviously new. At least try to camouflage it!
*Obviously Not Dead Guy is Obviously Not Dead.
*An underground piano that is perfectly in tune after 200+ years. Oh, and a working rotary telephone. Quaint.
*Oooh! Egyptian paintings! Norse runes! Look at how DEEP and MYSTERIOUS this is! OOoooOOOooOOOoo!
*Scrapings from magic stone should go through some sort of testing before using it on a human subject.
*"Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here" inscribed above a tunnel. Let's go in!
*Good thing they don't have to worry about OXYGEN or anything.
*Tunnels that soundlessly seal up behind the characters? Sure, at this point why not?
*The catacomb floor is coated with nothing but tibia and femurs. Where are the rest of the bones?
*It's very, very difficult to sneak around unseen when YOU LEAVE YOUR HEAD LAMPS ON.
*"I have to go back!" Please do, just don't bother returning.
*Confess Your Sins and Leap of Faith cliche.
*Dante's Inferno. Go read that. Way better than this tripe.
____
You know what? I'm done. The concept of sneaking around the underground crypts of France has fantastic potential, but you've got to be smart about it. This creative team? They were not, which disassociates us viewers from the character's plight because even the most pedestrian of arguments undermines the plausibility. No explanations for the cultists, no closure for the team, no word on how the survivors will explain the dead team member's to the police, nothing.
This gets the full 5 out of 5 Flaming Rats rating. I find I'm extremely annoyed at the wasted potential this has, further polluted by mindless writing, scores of tropes, and no likeable characters. Gather up all copies and burn them.
A thoughtless daughter of an insane researcher leads a team of annoying college graduates through off-limits areas of France's underground catacombs to find the Philosopher's Stone, filming the whole thing via shaky cameras mounted on their headlamps.
There, you don't need to watch it. It's terrible.
Not convinced? Here, let me tell you some of the lovely flaws and tropes that I'm seeing.
*Ancient Aramaic, when translated into English, will rhyme.
*Though the 'foot' has been a unit of measurement in some fashion since the Greco-Roman period, it was hardly uniform and could vary notably between locales. Thus, you probably shouldn't rely on it to measure distance and depth without some serious number crunching.
*You do NOT ask the random local to guide you through a subterranean crypt.
*Please don't pressure, agitate, or yell at the guy having a claustrophobic attack in the tunnels. That's just rude.
*While on the topic of manners, fist fights and violent arguments aren't helping you get out, either.
*You most certainly DO NOT ask the creepy guy you just found who seems to LIVE in the tunnels to lead you around. WHO DOES THAT??
*A secondary character is an abused, scared black guy with few lines. Yes, he dies through no fault of his own. Thanks for relying on an outdated racist trope, you hacks.
*Is a creepy cult singing in the tunnels? Yes? Maybe come back another day?
*Bossy researcher is bossy.
*It's like watching an episode of Scooby Doo; you can tell which parts of the wall will be moved, should be moved, or are obviously new. At least try to camouflage it!
*Obviously Not Dead Guy is Obviously Not Dead.
*An underground piano that is perfectly in tune after 200+ years. Oh, and a working rotary telephone. Quaint.
*Oooh! Egyptian paintings! Norse runes! Look at how DEEP and MYSTERIOUS this is! OOoooOOOooOOOoo!
*Scrapings from magic stone should go through some sort of testing before using it on a human subject.
*"Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here" inscribed above a tunnel. Let's go in!
*Good thing they don't have to worry about OXYGEN or anything.
*Tunnels that soundlessly seal up behind the characters? Sure, at this point why not?
*The catacomb floor is coated with nothing but tibia and femurs. Where are the rest of the bones?
*It's very, very difficult to sneak around unseen when YOU LEAVE YOUR HEAD LAMPS ON.
*"I have to go back!" Please do, just don't bother returning.
*Confess Your Sins and Leap of Faith cliche.
*Dante's Inferno. Go read that. Way better than this tripe.
____
You know what? I'm done. The concept of sneaking around the underground crypts of France has fantastic potential, but you've got to be smart about it. This creative team? They were not, which disassociates us viewers from the character's plight because even the most pedestrian of arguments undermines the plausibility. No explanations for the cultists, no closure for the team, no word on how the survivors will explain the dead team member's to the police, nothing.
This gets the full 5 out of 5 Flaming Rats rating. I find I'm extremely annoyed at the wasted potential this has, further polluted by mindless writing, scores of tropes, and no likeable characters. Gather up all copies and burn them.