Episode 78: Return?

[kunaizel]

If there's one recurring theme and observation I've made throughout all of this mumbo jumbo, it's that pussies love delusions. For their own satisfaction and sanity people will label themselves things entirely opposite of their actions, so that they can better accept what they do. In the end however, we as people are defined by our actions,

Comments

[backecnalab]

i think you're asking whether or not i think it applies to me, and to that I say, we all delude ourselves, you included, whether you like it or not. it's a fact that everyone alive has an entirely subjective view of themselves (in fact that's the definition of subjectivity). so i don't feel like i can fully answer that question. it's about whether or not others' views of you match with your view of yourself. and personally, i think what's deep down inside does count for something, and if you come to the harsh realization that the outward projection of you doesn't align with how you feel within, i don't think the solution is to accept the fact that you're a "pathetic queef who can't be what he wants to be," but rather try and analyze what it is in your life that makes you uncomfortable being your true self. there are a lot of reasons besides cowardice why people mask their intentions. the chris kneisel i first met was stone cold and unemotive. for the first few months i knew you, i was convinced you flat out disliked me. if i didn't take the time to get to know the real you deep down inside, the one you didn't show in public (at least to me), i could've easily dismissed you as someone you weren't. and it's not always easy to uphold your values. being righteous is not a breeze. it's a constant battle, and we all make our fumbles.
so, i guess i can answer that question a little. i know for a fact i don't live up to the high ideals i hold for myself; i make mistakes daily, but I hope i'm pretty close because god knows i try my best. and that's all i can do.

[kunaizel]

"It's not your personality, your intention, your philosophy, unless you live it. Stop being cunts." That's my way of saying "try and analyze what it is in your life that makes you uncomfortable being your true self," but I like to sound like a prick because it's funnier. This place is where I complain, if you haven't noticed, not a place where I give therapy to troubled teens. In fact I tell people to kill themselves numerous times... obviously I don't honestly believe that's "the answer."

This isn't about what other people think of you as, or "masking your intentions." It's about failing your intentions. It's about when what you believe yourself to be majorly contradicts what you objectively, factually are, what you're doing and have done. Your actions versus your ideology. There's a difference between "fumbling" and complete failure. Obviously, we're human. But making some mistakes isn't the same thing as living in denial.

In any case, I never thought of you when I wrote this. If you felt targeted, I guess that's coincidental, because I can't really think of anything about you myself.

[backecnalab]

maybe i'm just adrift in a sea of self doubt and it comes out in sporadic, confrontational replies to lj entries which for some reason set me off. i guess this was just some stuff on my mind which came to the surface perhaps?

[kunaizel]

Tell me about this "stuff" sometime, negro. We haven't -really- talked in a long time.