bloggy: Steen (RIP)
Sometime in the late 90s I remember seeing a photo of Midori wearing a transparent latex dress with a copper snake appliqué. It was a custom made dress by Molly at So Hip It Hurts. I asked and was told that the name of the photographer was Christine Kessler and got interested in finding more of her work.
(Midori doesn't actually remember the shoot, nor does Molly. Waiting to find out more but as it stands, this is my memory of it all).
I remember wanting to know more about her work because at the time I don't really recall that many female photographers that were shooting fetish/bdsm imagery - at least in the US. I recall Doris Kloster and her images featuring mostly dominant women in leather and corsets. I know I owned her first book with the red-capped and corseted dominatrix on the cover. I also owned her "Illustrated Story of O". There was also Gary & Pierre Silva but I don't think I shot with them until a few years later. Oh, and Justice Howard was another name I remember though we never worked together. Anyway, as far as fetish photographers in the US, those are the names I can remember that stood out at that time. Yes, I do know there were other women shooting fetish at the time like Doralba Picerno and Emma Delves-Broughton but this was the 90s and they were still too far away for me. (I did end up shooting with Doralba in London eventually).
In any case, the images that I found were not bright and colorful photos featuring young, nubile models with perfectly manicured nails in gorgeous wolfords teetering on the tallest of hells. There were no bodies encased in the latest fetish fashions from the trendiest designers. The first photos that I saw were in black and white. They were gritty and sometimes dirty. I don't recall seeing popping bright colors but instead dark backgrounds. They showed individuals without the added fantasy of glamorous sets and glossy pro make up. And the images featured mostly tattooed and pierced men. Now it's pretty difficult to find any of those online.
Eventually we did work together in Los Angeles and San Francisco... One of our first shoots took place at a play party and I ended up being tied down to a cold glass table while guests sat around and ignored me. I also remember being tied to a cold chair outside near a swimming pool. Instead of latex, I wore leather. I still have a stack of the prints she gave me from this shoot somewhere around here. Yeah. Prints. There are a few images from that evening and others in my Yahoo Group but I'm not sure about the actual shoot date. (Many of the earlier photos posted in there were added to the group 2001 or 2002 but I got lazy and just stamped everything "2002" instead of figuring out the actual year. Oops).
My friend Jen created a website for me. It was mostly an online portfolio of my work. A lot of models had already started to build up their own online homes and it seemed to make sense. Of course I ended up with a paysite as well. And Steen became the webmaster of the 2nd incarnation. We shot often and created quite a bit of content together. I started working with Vex Clothing around this time and we ended up shooting a lot of my new custom outfits too.
She also started PervCity Productions and started taking on more work by adding more websites to the family. At first it seemed nice, but then I realized that it just didn't make sense. I think she just had too many models and websites to focus on. We were shooting less and less - but then my work was taking me to Europe instead of Los Angeles. And when I did travel to LA, I wasn't staying at her place anymore. I think our last shoots took place around 2006/7 and only a small handful of sets came out of them. Some of which I have never seen nor received. I ended up starting a new website. I don't think she was pleased with my choice of new webmaster.
We had already pretty much stopped communicating and so I wasn't around to notice any drastic changes in her temperment or health. I had heard some mention about her online and through reading the online postings of others. I recall a bunch of models becoming very irate and frustrated about their websites being abruptly pulled down. Apparently they had no warning and so they lost access to a lot of content and work.
According to my blog posts (moblog), the last time i saw Steen was in December of 2009. She had a show up in SF at the Center for Sex and Culture and I went with Samar. It was nice to see people I hadn't see in a long time and we were all there to support her. However I didn't get a shot of us together.
I decided to retire around August of 2010. I pretty much moved on from all things fetish but kept in touch quite a few people thanks to social networking websites (I rarely want to see people in real life anyway). Steen was not one of the people with whom I kept in touch.
A couple of years ago I got a phone call. It was a number I did not recognize and not in my phonebook. I picked up and immediately got to listen to a barrage of accusations about me spreading rumors concerning her use of drugs which she denied. I also recall a few "who the hell do you think you are, how dare you talk about me?" and "I'm warning you" type of statements. It took me a while to figure out who it was. Actually I wasn't able to figure it out myself. I had to ask. When she calmed down we spoke for a few more minutes but then the irrational side came back out so I said goodbye and hung up the phone. And then I tried to go back to sleep because it was around 5 am.
-----
I heard it was suicide by means of an OD. I don't know if it was premeditated or accidental. But I'm hearing more and more that it was the former.
A lot of people are posting about sadness and guilt.
I can understand the sadness. A lot of people stayed in touch with her and remained constant friends. Some did not keep in touch but still feel badly. I don't feel sad.
And I certainly carry no guilt.
Suicide can be a selfish act but it's also a way for some people to take control of their own lives. It's selfish of others to demand that someone live with whatever issues they're dealing with. Unless there's some kind of existing relationship or current bond, the deceased not responsible for the feelings that other people may or may not have. Guilt? Why guilt? I'm not quite sure I understand that one. Were they there to facilitate the act or did they actively ignore repeated cries for help?
There are very few people that I allow to have that much power over me. Also, I believe in the right of self-determination (the right to make decisions about one's own life including ending it).
I see posts about people calling it a cry for help which I think is bullshit. The cries would've come before the final act. A lot of people do drugs because they want to drugs. They want to alter their reality for a while. They want to have fun. I think I'll leave that to those who knew her better rather than speculate.
Personally, I feel she does merit a decent blog post/memorial from me - hence this super long post. Something more than a 160-character tweet.
We worked together and we became friends. We created some great images and some not-so-great ones. And then our personal and working relationship ended - albeit not in the best of ways. But I'm glad we were able to be friends for a while, but when it was over that was it.
(Midori doesn't actually remember the shoot, nor does Molly. Waiting to find out more but as it stands, this is my memory of it all).
I remember wanting to know more about her work because at the time I don't really recall that many female photographers that were shooting fetish/bdsm imagery - at least in the US. I recall Doris Kloster and her images featuring mostly dominant women in leather and corsets. I know I owned her first book with the red-capped and corseted dominatrix on the cover. I also owned her "Illustrated Story of O". There was also Gary & Pierre Silva but I don't think I shot with them until a few years later. Oh, and Justice Howard was another name I remember though we never worked together. Anyway, as far as fetish photographers in the US, those are the names I can remember that stood out at that time. Yes, I do know there were other women shooting fetish at the time like Doralba Picerno and Emma Delves-Broughton but this was the 90s and they were still too far away for me. (I did end up shooting with Doralba in London eventually).
In any case, the images that I found were not bright and colorful photos featuring young, nubile models with perfectly manicured nails in gorgeous wolfords teetering on the tallest of hells. There were no bodies encased in the latest fetish fashions from the trendiest designers. The first photos that I saw were in black and white. They were gritty and sometimes dirty. I don't recall seeing popping bright colors but instead dark backgrounds. They showed individuals without the added fantasy of glamorous sets and glossy pro make up. And the images featured mostly tattooed and pierced men. Now it's pretty difficult to find any of those online.
Eventually we did work together in Los Angeles and San Francisco... One of our first shoots took place at a play party and I ended up being tied down to a cold glass table while guests sat around and ignored me. I also remember being tied to a cold chair outside near a swimming pool. Instead of latex, I wore leather. I still have a stack of the prints she gave me from this shoot somewhere around here. Yeah. Prints. There are a few images from that evening and others in my Yahoo Group but I'm not sure about the actual shoot date. (Many of the earlier photos posted in there were added to the group 2001 or 2002 but I got lazy and just stamped everything "2002" instead of figuring out the actual year. Oops).
My friend Jen created a website for me. It was mostly an online portfolio of my work. A lot of models had already started to build up their own online homes and it seemed to make sense. Of course I ended up with a paysite as well. And Steen became the webmaster of the 2nd incarnation. We shot often and created quite a bit of content together. I started working with Vex Clothing around this time and we ended up shooting a lot of my new custom outfits too.
She also started PervCity Productions and started taking on more work by adding more websites to the family. At first it seemed nice, but then I realized that it just didn't make sense. I think she just had too many models and websites to focus on. We were shooting less and less - but then my work was taking me to Europe instead of Los Angeles. And when I did travel to LA, I wasn't staying at her place anymore. I think our last shoots took place around 2006/7 and only a small handful of sets came out of them. Some of which I have never seen nor received. I ended up starting a new website. I don't think she was pleased with my choice of new webmaster.
We had already pretty much stopped communicating and so I wasn't around to notice any drastic changes in her temperment or health. I had heard some mention about her online and through reading the online postings of others. I recall a bunch of models becoming very irate and frustrated about their websites being abruptly pulled down. Apparently they had no warning and so they lost access to a lot of content and work.
According to my blog posts (moblog), the last time i saw Steen was in December of 2009. She had a show up in SF at the Center for Sex and Culture and I went with Samar. It was nice to see people I hadn't see in a long time and we were all there to support her. However I didn't get a shot of us together.
I decided to retire around August of 2010. I pretty much moved on from all things fetish but kept in touch quite a few people thanks to social networking websites (I rarely want to see people in real life anyway). Steen was not one of the people with whom I kept in touch.
A couple of years ago I got a phone call. It was a number I did not recognize and not in my phonebook. I picked up and immediately got to listen to a barrage of accusations about me spreading rumors concerning her use of drugs which she denied. I also recall a few "who the hell do you think you are, how dare you talk about me?" and "I'm warning you" type of statements. It took me a while to figure out who it was. Actually I wasn't able to figure it out myself. I had to ask. When she calmed down we spoke for a few more minutes but then the irrational side came back out so I said goodbye and hung up the phone. And then I tried to go back to sleep because it was around 5 am.
-----
I heard it was suicide by means of an OD. I don't know if it was premeditated or accidental. But I'm hearing more and more that it was the former.
A lot of people are posting about sadness and guilt.
I can understand the sadness. A lot of people stayed in touch with her and remained constant friends. Some did not keep in touch but still feel badly. I don't feel sad.
And I certainly carry no guilt.
Suicide can be a selfish act but it's also a way for some people to take control of their own lives. It's selfish of others to demand that someone live with whatever issues they're dealing with. Unless there's some kind of existing relationship or current bond, the deceased not responsible for the feelings that other people may or may not have. Guilt? Why guilt? I'm not quite sure I understand that one. Were they there to facilitate the act or did they actively ignore repeated cries for help?
There are very few people that I allow to have that much power over me. Also, I believe in the right of self-determination (the right to make decisions about one's own life including ending it).
I see posts about people calling it a cry for help which I think is bullshit. The cries would've come before the final act. A lot of people do drugs because they want to drugs. They want to alter their reality for a while. They want to have fun. I think I'll leave that to those who knew her better rather than speculate.
Personally, I feel she does merit a decent blog post/memorial from me - hence this super long post. Something more than a 160-character tweet.
We worked together and we became friends. We created some great images and some not-so-great ones. And then our personal and working relationship ended - albeit not in the best of ways. But I'm glad we were able to be friends for a while, but when it was over that was it.