The Right to Love
Title: The Right to Love
Pairing: RyoMassu
Genre: Romance, angst
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: People can't own other people. Well, except for Johnny Kitagawa-san...
Summary: You can't control love. And love can't be judged, even if it's not the 'usual' kind of love.
A/N: English's not my mother language.
The Right to Love
“I love you.”
“I’m sorry…”
“Why? I know you love me too.”
“Nishikido-kun… Please… I can’t…”
“Why are you so fearful?!”
“Please… Nishikido-kun…”
“Nishikido-kun… Nishikido-kun!”
Ryo opened his eyes slowly and found himself face to face with his manager.
“Finally you’re awake! I’ve been calling you for at least five minutes!”
“Sorry…”
“It’s alright. Now hurry up, please. The other members are waiting for you.”
Ryo grabbed his bag and got off the van. He found the rest of NEWS waiting for him.
“Ryo-chan, good morning!” Yamapi smiled “Slept well?”
He didn’t wait for Ryo to reply and turned to Koyama and Tegoshi. Ryo looked at his left where Massu was standing. Their eyes met for a second before the younger one turned away. Ryo made a half sad, half annoyed face. Shige looked first at him and then at Massu. He sighed and shook his head.
“Ten minutes left before the show starts!” one of the staff members announced.
Ryo looked at himself in the mirror, fixing his hair one more time. Then he sat on the couch and took a look around the room. Yamapi, Kei-chan and Tegoshi, as usual, were playing, not even caring that they were going to be late, while Shige was checking his clothes. The only one missing was Massu.
Ryo sighed. Again the boy was avoiding him. It had been like that between the since the first day of the tour ….
NEWS were in Yamapi’s room at the hotel. They had just finished the first day of concerts in Sendai and it had been a success. Their mood was very high.
“To NEWS!” Yamapi said, raising his glass.
“To NEWS!” the other members replied.
Ryo drank up his champagne. He looked around the room to find Massu, who was slowly drinking from his glass. Ryo approached him.
“You don’t like it?”
Massu turned to him.
“Nishikido-kun! You scared me!” Ryo just smiled at him “Well, it’s not that I don’t like it. I’m just not used to drinking.”
Ryo nodded,
“Want to come outside with me?” he asked.
“Yeah, why not? It’s kinda hot here.”
They went out on the balcony. Massu looked up at the stars and smiled.
“Today was a great day for NEWS, ne Nishikido-kun?”
“Yeah… You don’t need to call me Nishikido-kun, you know.” Ryo said, going near him “We’ve known each other for five years.”
“Well… It’s just that…”
“That I’m the scaring background leader?”
“No.” Massu replied firmly “You’re not scaring. You may look a bit harsh but everyone knows you’re gentle and caring and a great singer and actor.”
“And you? What do you think of me?”
The other looked confused.
“What I’ve said. You’re nice and always care for the group. You act coldly just because you’re shy. I know you’d do anything for NEWS.”
“I’d do anything for you.” Ryo whispered, going nearer him, so near that Massu could feel the other’s breath on his cheeks.
“N-Nishikido-kun…?”
Ryo smiled softly and closed the distance between them. Massu shuddered at the contact and pulled away, looking at the older boy wide-eyed.
“I love you.” Ryo simply said.
Massu shook his head.
“No…”
“I love you.” Ryo repeated.
“I’m sorry…” Massu avoided the other’s eyes.
“Why? I know you love me too.”
“Nishikido-kun… Please… I can’t…”
Ryo grabbed the younger boys by his arms and shook him.
“Why are you so fearful?!”
“Please… Nishikido-kun…” Massu freed himself and ran inside the room.
Ryo cursed.
Since that night Massu had begun to avoid the other man. He sat far away from him on the train, on the plane, on the van, he didn’t speak to him unless he really had to, he didn’t even stay in the same room with him for more than ten minutes. Ryo was very annoyed by this attitude. And also very saddened.
He knew Massu felt the same way as him, he was sure of it. He had seen the way he looked at him, had felt his body tremble when he had kissed him. The boy was just scared. However Ryo still couldn’t understand what he was afraid of. Of love, maybe. Of what could have happened to the group if they had broken up. Of what people could have thought of their relationship. Of being judged.
Thinking about it, Ryo had concluded that the last two hypotheses were the most probable ones. Massu was a calm and nice boy but he cared a lot about what people thought of him. For him one of the most important things was normality and a relationship with his band-mate, a boy, wasn’t a normal thing. And this made Ryo angry because for him love was always a normal thing, whoever it concerned, and he was willing to stand against the whole world for Massu. But that was exactly what scared the younger boy.
“Minna-san, on stage!”
The voice of the staff member brought Ryo back to reality. He stood up and headed for the stage, where at least he would have been able to be near Massu.
Second day in Fukui. NEWS were in their dressing room, eating lunch.
As usual, Tegoshi was tormenting Yamapi in his cute way.
“Tegoshi! Stop it and eat, will you?” Shige said “People will think you’re gay for Yamashita-kun!”
Tegoshi just stuck out his tongue but Massu turned to Shige wide-eyed.
“Massu, is something wrong?” the latter asked.
“Tegoshi’s not gay!”
“I just said people will think he is if he keeps flirting with Leader like that.”
Massu turned to Tegoshi,
“Then you really should stop it.”
“Why? I’m not doing anything wrong, right? Yamapi doesn’t really think I’m flirting with him. And besides fans love this!”
“But there are neither fans nor cameras here so stop it!” Massu replied, raising his tone.
The other members turned to him, except Ryo, who silently continued eating.
“Massu?” Koyama said slowly “You’re alright? You’re not usually this harsh…”
“It’s just that a lot of people already think that Johnny’s are all homosexual and I don’t like it.”
“Do you have something against homosexual people?!” Ryo suddenly asked. His eyes were calm but Massu could easily feel his anger.
“I… It’s weird… It’s not a normal thing… Boys love girls and girls love boys. That’s how it should be.”
Ryo stood up, slamming his chopsticks on the table. Yamapi, Koyama, Shige and Tegoshi looked at him.
“I… It’s too hot here! I’m going to eat outside!”
He grabbed his lunch and left the room. Massu sighed and sat on the couch.
“Did something happen between the two of you?” Yamapi cautiously asked.
“Nothing at all.” was the brief answer.
Things stayed that way for days. Days which seemed like years to Ryo. And not only to him but Ryo couldn’t know that.
It was already mid-November and it was the last day in Sapporo. NEWS had eaten dinner at a local restaurant and had returned to the hotel. Tegoshi had come to Ryo’s room and said that the members had decided to take a bath in the hotel sauna. Ryo had excused himself saying that he was very tired. But truth was that he didn’t want to see Massu, especially not in a bath, naked, with his well-toned body exposed to Ryo’s eyes and desires.
But he wasn’t tired at all, at least not physically. So, when he was sure that the members had left for the sauna, Ryo left his room and went to the hotel rooftop. He sat on a bench, back towards the door, and watched the stars, shivering a bit because of the cold breeze. After some time he heard the door being opened. He didn’t even look at it, not at all interested, but stayed where he was and closed his eyes. He heard someone walk towards him and stop behind him, just few centimeters from him. He felt the person shudder and hold breath. Ryo felt a very well-known scent and quickly turned.
“Massu!”
The guy stood still and said nothing, looking at his band-mate with almost scared eyes. Ryo got up from the bench and faced him. He was about to move but Massu quickly recoiled. He was now clearly scared. Ryo snorted and started going nearer him, looking at him straight in the eyes. Massu couldn’t decode Ryo’s expression - anger, pain, tiredness and a lot more - but he couldn’t move, he could do nothing but look at the other’s deep dark eyes.
Ryo stopped in front of him and Massu would have liked to turn round and run away but he couldn’t. Ryo smirked. A weird smirk, half sarcastic half amused, and Massu wondered if the other had drunk.
“Do you want to run away, Massu?” Ryo asked calmly.
He didn’t receive any answers so he took a step forward.
“You think I’m going to take advantage of the situation and assault you like some kind of maniac, don’t you?”
This time Massu’s face showed a change, though it was almost imperceptible.
Ryo sneered.
“You really think I could do something like that, don’t you? Weren’t you the one who said that I’m nice and caring?” Ryo took another step forward and Massu began to tremble “But that was before everything, right? Before you discovered that I’m one of those people you’re so afraid of. You’re disgusted by me, right? You’re scared.” he paused for a moment “You’re so pathetic.”
Ryo stared at the other with eyes full of disgust and then walked away, holding his head up and not turning back. Massu stayed in the same position for many minutes, until the cold hit him and he had to move.
Ryo walked quickly through the corridors, reached his room, entered and threw himself on the bed, not even bothering to close the door properly. He sank his head in the pillow and remained like that, trying not to think about anything.
His try was interrupted after some time by someone patting his shoulder. Ryo mumbled annoyed and turned his head to the other side but the person continued and so he had to sit up and look at Massu.
“I am not pathetic.” the younger boy said firmly.
Ryo sighed and looked at the door to be sure that it was closed.
“Oh, really?” Ryo snorted “Then how should I call you?”
“You shouldn’t. You should just leave me be…”
Ryo snorted again.
“Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Faking our member-ai on the stage and then not even greeting each other backstage. Everything would be so simple for you. You wouldn’t have worry about me assaulting you. And maybe you’d like me to go to some idiots to be cured, right? So I would be one of those ‘normal’ people you like so much again.”
“Stop it!” Massu shouted “Stop it immediately! I’ve never said these things!”
“But you think them! Do you consider me an idiot? Well, I’m not! I know how people like you are. Always blabbing about normality, thinking that they’re better just because they’re like everyone else and can’t do anything that isn’t approved by others. I’ve met many people like these. My parents too were like this, you know? They were shocked when they found out that I wasn’t as perfect as they thought. And my brothers. Oh, they were so happy that for once our parents weren’t satisfied with me. And you know what they did? They beat me. Then my father said I had to stop whatever idiotic idea I had and return ‘normal’ if I wanted to remain a part of his family, while my mother was crying her eyes out behind him. And do you know what I did? I left them. And I went to the only two people that accepted me the way I was: Pi and Jin. I continued my life and I didn’t care about what people thought. And I don’t care even now. Because people who judge others without even knowing them are just hypocrites. So you can hate me as much as you want, I won’t change.”
Massu lowered his head.
“I don’t hate you…” he whispered to the floor.
Ryo stood up. He lifted Massu’s chin with his right hand.
“Then what do you feel?” he asked, face only few centimeters from the other’s.
Massu looked at him. His mouth was open but no sound came from it.
“If you can’t tell me, I’ll tell you.” Ryo said.
He made the younger boy sit on the bed and sat beside, taking his hands between his own.
“In interviews you always say that the first thing you look at in a girl is eyes, right? You know eyes can’t lie.” Ryo whispered and Massu nodded “I’ll tell you what your eyes are saying.” Massu nodded again “They’re saying that you’re a very nice boy, one of the few ones who through the years managed to remain as pure as they were before entering the entertainment world. They’re saying that you’re incredibly caring and that you’d anything for the people you love. They’re saying lots of great things about your nice, happy, caring, smiling, talented self but we already know them, right? Everyone who knows you knows what a great boy you are and how great your qualities are. Now I’ll tell you what others don’t see, don’t understand. Your eyes tell me that you’re scared. You’re scared of not being good enough and that’s why you want to be normal so much.”
Massu took his eyes and hands away, scared by how well Ryo could read inside him.
“What’s wrong with wanting to be normal?”
A flash of anger passed through Ryo’s eyes but he just sighed.
“What’s wrong you ask? If you keep trying to satisfy others, you will never be able to do things you like and like this you will never be happy, that’s what’s wrong with it.”
Again Ryo lift the other’s chin with his hand and looked into his eyes.
“Massu, listen to me. I know you love me. I’ve seen your eyes when you look at me. And eyes can’t lie, remember?”
It was Massu’s turn to sigh.
“And even if you were right?”
“Then you’d have to tell me why you keep denying it. But I know I’m right so now you’ll have to tell me why.”
Massu’s expression became severe.
“You already said it, right? I’m scared. I don’t care if you say I’m weak or hypocrite or pathetic. I don’t want to disappoint everyone. I’ve worked so hard to come where I am now. And I can’t do this to my parents after all they’ve done for me.”
“I can understand that.” Ryo softened his eyes “But answer me. Do your parents love you?”
“Of course.” Massu looked confused.
“Then don’t you think they will support you? They may be a bit shocked at first but in the end they’ll be by your side. Because I know you have great parents and great parents are happy when their children are happy.”
Massu stayed silent, maybe thinking, maybe knowing that Ryo was right. He lowered his head again and when he lift it Ryo’s face who only few centimeters from his own.
“Takahisa,” Ryo whispered and Massu shuddered at how good his name sounded on Ryo’s lips “let me show you that this is what will make you happy.”
He grabbed Massu’s shoulders and started to push him down on the bed. Ryo’s wasn’t forcing him and his touch was gentle so Massu just let him do. When the other was laying on the bed Ryo positioned himself on top of him. He lowered his head until his lips were almost touching Massu’s.
“Tell me not to do it and I’ll stop.” Ryo warned him.
Massu didn’t say anything but closed his eyes. Ryo then covered his mouth with his own. He gently licked his lips and when Massu parted them he slid his tongue in. He explored his mouth slowly and deeply. But Massu didn’t respond to the kiss. Ryo opened his eyes and saw that the boy’s eyes were open too and all his senses were alert and he was ready to push Ryo away and escape if he had heard someone coming. Ryo anger grew and he bit Massu’s lower lip. The kiss became less gentle and more passionate. Ryo pressed on the other’s mouth, hard. Then Massu push him away and sat up. He looked at him, again scared, while sucking his bleeding lip.
“You’re stubborn, aren’t you?” Ryo said.
He looked at Massu with the same disgusted face he had on the rooftop.
“You won’t give me a chance, will you? You were ready to run away if someone had come, weren’t you? If someone had seen us you would have made some excuses to save yourself, even if you can’t lie and you know it.”
“I’m sorry.”
Ryo sighed and stood up.
“You know,” he said, standing in front of the window “I don’t think you could handle a relationship with me.”
Massu stood up too.
“I’m sorry. You’re right, about everything. And yes, I love you. But this won’t change the fact that we’re two boys and this just can’t be. I don’t want to be gay.”
Ryo returned in front of him.
“Does this word really scare you so much? It’s just a word, an empty word. We’re not gay; we’re just in love with each other. Can you tell me what’s wrong with that?”
The other didn’t answer.
“Why should only others have the right to love? Because they’re ‘normal’? And who says so? Tell me. We’re human beings just like them. There’s nothing wrong with us. We’re not sick. We’re in love and love is the noblest feeling.”
Massu looked up at him. His teary eyes met Ryo’s teary ones.
“You’re right, again. I can’t handle a relationship with you. At least not right now.”
Feeling like dozens of knives were piercing his heart, Ryo hug him gently and Massu hug him back. Ryo then placed a soft kiss on his forehead and let go of him.
There was no need for words anymore. As his tears started to fall down, Massu left the room, leaving Ryo alone to dry his own tears.
#OWARI#
Yay, I finally finished it!!! *happy, happy* ^_________^
Ehm.. Anyway, this was actually supposed to have a happy ending but as I went on writing it I just felt that a happy ending wouldn’t have matched with everything… And besides I like sad endings so I just have to write something sad once in a while. XD
I hope you liked it anyway!! ^.^ I’ll write something happier next time!!
Thank you for reading!!
PS: this is very long and there probably are mistakes. Please forgive me and if you spot them please do tell me so I can correct them!! ^^