Les Mis (Abbreviated because the abridged version already exists)
I'm doing all sorts of things to keep myself from going around the bend from waiting :P
Les Miserables (musical version) as told by my inner child
Part I
JVJ: Hi, I'm Jean ValJean. I'm a super strong, all around nice guy who just spent 19 years in jail. Can I go now please?
Jav: You're an idiot. If you'd just finished your first goddamn sentence instead of trying to escape you would have only been here two years. By the way, I have the rod of justice rammed so far up my ass the doctor thinks I have two spines. Now get out of here.
JVJ: You suck, I was leaving anyway. Hey, everyone hates me except this one nice bishop, but I'm gonna steal from him anyway.
Bishop: Stop that, it's silly. You better be good now because I'm keeping you from being somebody's butt buddy again. Now clear off.
JVJ: I feel guilty. But I'm gonna go be mayor of a podunk town now.
Part II:
Factory Workers: Our life sucks, but at least we have jobs. Hey, Fantine, didn't you read the contract? It says single ladies only, so the foreman can harass us.
Fan: I can't read.
Factory Workers: Well too bad for you, we're gonna bust you and you can go be a whore now.
Fan: Well this sucks. I got knocked up, gave birth, got work, got fired, and now have to sell various parts of myself to make ends meet. Oh, and I've probably got TB.
Fop: I want some nookie, pay up.
Fan: Screw you, figuratively.
Fop: Javeeeerrrrrrttttt! She hit me!!
Jav: You're going to jail.
Fan: But...but...
Jav: No excuses, off you go.
JVJ: No you don't. What I say goes, and she gets to pass go.
Fan: WTF? You fired me earlier, now you're all "oh poor baby?" Make up your mind, dude.
JVJ: My bad, let's go see the doctor.
Jav: Dammit.
Cart: Imma gonna squish you now, Fauchelevant. Have Fun.
Fav: Ow.
JVJ: Well crap. Let's get that cart off him. Hello? Anyone? A little help here? Fine, dammit. I'll do it myself.
Fav: Yay, I'm not dead yet.
JVJ: Whew.
Jav: Dude, I totally thought you were JVJ instead of this other dude we caught. BTW, we're gonna put him on trial today.
JVJ: Dammit. Stupid bishop. Look dumbasses, I'm JVJ, not this dude.
Jav: I KNEW IT! SEE? SEE?
JVJ: Shut up. I'm gonna go see my deathly ill ex-employee now.
Jav: Hey, you can't do that!
JVJ: I just did, bitch!
Fan: Where's my kid?
JVJ: I'll take care of her for you, because you're totally gonna die.
Fan: This ain't fair. *Dies*
Jav: Seriously, you're coming with me now.
JVJ: Nice try. You forget, I'm super strong and since I've just decided I've got to take care of someone else's kid, you can just go suck an egg.
Jav: Dammit.
Cos: I'm Cosette. My life sucks. I'm unpaid child labor in this two-bit inn. But hey, who's this old dude who's helping me haul water?
JVJ: Hey, you're my dead ex-employee's kid.
Cos: What?
JVJ: Nevermind. Here have this doll, I'm gonna take you with me.
Cos: Because this isn't creepy at all.
JVJ: Here innkeepers, have some money, the kid comes with me.
Nards: Uh...sure. We'll just go back to being crooked inn owners now.
JVJ & Cos: K, thx, bye.
Part III
PP: We're Paris' poor people. Our lives suck.
IDS: We're idealistic students who still think we can change the world. But we all come from rich families. Those guys' lives suck.
M: I'm Marius, an IDS. Or at least I was until like ten minutes ago. I was joshing around with my buddy Eponine when this old dude and his super beautiful daughter walked by. We knocked heads together and she smiled at me so I totally know she's my soul mate now after like 30 seconds of interaction. So I'm making Ep show me where she lives so I can jump the fence like a stalker and profess my true and undying love to her.
Ep: That's a little creepy, but okay, because I'm totally stupid for you.
Nard: I don't have an inn, but I'm still crooked and my kids are crooked too. I've figured out that this rich old dude and his daughter are really JVJ and Cos, and Imma gonna rob him since he didn't pay me as much as I wanted when I sold Cos to him.
Ep: Dad, you suck. My life sucks too, especially since I just led my crush to this place so he can tell Cos how pretty she is.
Nard: Sucks to be you, dumbass, just don't get in my way.
Ep: Oh, I'm totally screaming now.
Nard: Dammit. Run away.
M: Cos, sorry, I'm outta here, I don't wanna get caught by your dad and his shotgun.
Cos: Ooooookayyyyyyy.
JVJ: What the hell just happened?
Cos: Somebody screamed and there were a buncha people who just ran away.
JVJ: Well crap, despite hiding in a convent for forever, Jav's finally found us again. We're totally moving to England so we can finally get away from that jerk.
Cos: Dad, you need therapy. You really need to get your paranoia under control.
Jav: I know JVJ is totally here. I'm going to shove the rod up a couple more inches so that it starts knocking my brain stem and impairing my ability to make decisions. Oh and Imma gonna spy on these dumbass students who think they can overthrow the government.
IDS: Okay, so we've built this big ass barricade to keep the army out. The people are totally going to thank us for upsetting their lives and building a mountain out of their stuff. This dude says he'll spy for us and we're totally gonna believe him. Our only problem right now is that Marius is being all stupid over Cos leaving.
M: My life sucks. My OTL is leaving forever. Oh hey, Ep. Barring the fact you followed me somewhere that's really dangerous, will you take my totally awesome goodbye-love letter to Cos?
Ep: You're an idiot...FINE. I'll deliver it but I'm going to be depressed the whole time. Oh hey, you're Cos' dad. Here, take this.
JVJ: This says some idiot is in love with my daughter but is going to die tonight.
Ep: Pretty much, have a good day.
JVJ: Be careful.
Ep: Yeah, right.
IDS: Oh hey, this guy who said he was totally trustworthy is actually Jav, and we're gonna tie him up and kill him later. Oh look, here's another old dude saying he wants to help. We'd question him but the army's attacking and we don't wanna die.
M: Ep, WTH?
Ep: I just wanted you to know I did your stupid errand. BTW, I'm going to bleed to death now.
M: Oh wow, I'm sad you're dead, but not sad enough to not be an idiot.
IDS: Hey we repelled the troops, YAY US! Old dude, you totally helped.
JVJ: I know. Can I have Jav? I'll kill him for you.
IDS: You two have a great time together.
Jav: I knew you sucked!
JVJ: Bitch please, I just saved your ass. Go do your justice thing. You can even arrest me later if you want.
Jav: WTF?
JVJ: See ya, I gotta go save the dumbass my daughter's in love with.
Jav: ...
IDS: Well crap, we're all dying and we're gonna whine about it. Somehow, building our awesome barricade didn't get us food, ammunition, or support. Even the old dude can't keep us alive.
JVJ: No offense, but I can only carry one of you, and it's this idiot here because I want my daughter to be happy.
IDS: It's okay, we're dead now so we don't care.
Nard: I'm stealing shit from the dead in the sewers. Hey, it's JVJ again. He's got his own dead guy. I'm gonna take something from his dead man and blackmail him later.
Jav: Okay, I'm back and I really mean it this time JVJ, you're coming with me.
JVJ: Uh...can this wait until this twat I'm carrying isn't dying?
Jav: Grr..fine. No wait, I just did something moral instead of lawful. I'd die if I tried to take the rod out now so I'm just going to drown myself instead.
JVJ: Ooookay, you have fun with that.
Cos: Yay! You're not dead.
M: But I'm emo now. All my friends are dead. Survivor's guilt sucks.
Cos: Here, we'll get married and you can forget about it.
M: Yay.
JVJ: A word, before you gallivant off to go legally bone my daughter.
M: Sure thing, DAD.
JVJ. First of all, don't call me that. Second of all, I just want to warn you that I'm not actually her dad, but I've been her guardian for so long I may as well be. I'm also a known convict so to keep everybody happy, I'm gonna go be emo by myself. Just tell Cos that I've gone on a trip and won't come back.
M: Okiedokie, Dad.
JVJ: Dumbass, god I wish I was dead.
Wedding Guests: Everybody else died, but good for you two! Go procreate or somethinig!"
M & Cos: Yay!
Nard: Hang on a minute.
M: Now what?
Nard: If you pay me, I'll talk.
M: You suck, but here, take five grand.
Nard: JVJ is con.
M: Well, duh.
Nard: But it gets better. He totally killed one of your dumb IDS friends. See, I took a token from the body.
M: Okay, ew. And I'm that dumb IDS, dumber still since it's been pretty obvious from the beginning who rescued me since we're the only two who lived in the first place. Nard, get the hell out of here. Cos, we're gonna go see your dad.
Cos: K.
JVJ: Wow, I didn't really mean it, but here I am dying.
Cos: Hey, you can't die!
M: Yeah, you all saved me and stuff and I have to thank you for it.
JVJ: Aw, you're a peach. But I'm like having visions of Cos' dead mom, so I think it's a bit late for that. See ya.
Cast: Let's sing about how life doesn't suck, even though we just got done telling you it does.
The end.
Les Miserables (musical version) as told by my inner child
Part I
JVJ: Hi, I'm Jean ValJean. I'm a super strong, all around nice guy who just spent 19 years in jail. Can I go now please?
Jav: You're an idiot. If you'd just finished your first goddamn sentence instead of trying to escape you would have only been here two years. By the way, I have the rod of justice rammed so far up my ass the doctor thinks I have two spines. Now get out of here.
JVJ: You suck, I was leaving anyway. Hey, everyone hates me except this one nice bishop, but I'm gonna steal from him anyway.
Bishop: Stop that, it's silly. You better be good now because I'm keeping you from being somebody's butt buddy again. Now clear off.
JVJ: I feel guilty. But I'm gonna go be mayor of a podunk town now.
Part II:
Factory Workers: Our life sucks, but at least we have jobs. Hey, Fantine, didn't you read the contract? It says single ladies only, so the foreman can harass us.
Fan: I can't read.
Factory Workers: Well too bad for you, we're gonna bust you and you can go be a whore now.
Fan: Well this sucks. I got knocked up, gave birth, got work, got fired, and now have to sell various parts of myself to make ends meet. Oh, and I've probably got TB.
Fop: I want some nookie, pay up.
Fan: Screw you, figuratively.
Fop: Javeeeerrrrrrttttt! She hit me!!
Jav: You're going to jail.
Fan: But...but...
Jav: No excuses, off you go.
JVJ: No you don't. What I say goes, and she gets to pass go.
Fan: WTF? You fired me earlier, now you're all "oh poor baby?" Make up your mind, dude.
JVJ: My bad, let's go see the doctor.
Jav: Dammit.
Cart: Imma gonna squish you now, Fauchelevant. Have Fun.
Fav: Ow.
JVJ: Well crap. Let's get that cart off him. Hello? Anyone? A little help here? Fine, dammit. I'll do it myself.
Fav: Yay, I'm not dead yet.
JVJ: Whew.
Jav: Dude, I totally thought you were JVJ instead of this other dude we caught. BTW, we're gonna put him on trial today.
JVJ: Dammit. Stupid bishop. Look dumbasses, I'm JVJ, not this dude.
Jav: I KNEW IT! SEE? SEE?
JVJ: Shut up. I'm gonna go see my deathly ill ex-employee now.
Jav: Hey, you can't do that!
JVJ: I just did, bitch!
Fan: Where's my kid?
JVJ: I'll take care of her for you, because you're totally gonna die.
Fan: This ain't fair. *Dies*
Jav: Seriously, you're coming with me now.
JVJ: Nice try. You forget, I'm super strong and since I've just decided I've got to take care of someone else's kid, you can just go suck an egg.
Jav: Dammit.
Cos: I'm Cosette. My life sucks. I'm unpaid child labor in this two-bit inn. But hey, who's this old dude who's helping me haul water?
JVJ: Hey, you're my dead ex-employee's kid.
Cos: What?
JVJ: Nevermind. Here have this doll, I'm gonna take you with me.
Cos: Because this isn't creepy at all.
JVJ: Here innkeepers, have some money, the kid comes with me.
Nards: Uh...sure. We'll just go back to being crooked inn owners now.
JVJ & Cos: K, thx, bye.
Part III
PP: We're Paris' poor people. Our lives suck.
IDS: We're idealistic students who still think we can change the world. But we all come from rich families. Those guys' lives suck.
M: I'm Marius, an IDS. Or at least I was until like ten minutes ago. I was joshing around with my buddy Eponine when this old dude and his super beautiful daughter walked by. We knocked heads together and she smiled at me so I totally know she's my soul mate now after like 30 seconds of interaction. So I'm making Ep show me where she lives so I can jump the fence like a stalker and profess my true and undying love to her.
Ep: That's a little creepy, but okay, because I'm totally stupid for you.
Nard: I don't have an inn, but I'm still crooked and my kids are crooked too. I've figured out that this rich old dude and his daughter are really JVJ and Cos, and Imma gonna rob him since he didn't pay me as much as I wanted when I sold Cos to him.
Ep: Dad, you suck. My life sucks too, especially since I just led my crush to this place so he can tell Cos how pretty she is.
Nard: Sucks to be you, dumbass, just don't get in my way.
Ep: Oh, I'm totally screaming now.
Nard: Dammit. Run away.
M: Cos, sorry, I'm outta here, I don't wanna get caught by your dad and his shotgun.
Cos: Ooooookayyyyyyy.
JVJ: What the hell just happened?
Cos: Somebody screamed and there were a buncha people who just ran away.
JVJ: Well crap, despite hiding in a convent for forever, Jav's finally found us again. We're totally moving to England so we can finally get away from that jerk.
Cos: Dad, you need therapy. You really need to get your paranoia under control.
Jav: I know JVJ is totally here. I'm going to shove the rod up a couple more inches so that it starts knocking my brain stem and impairing my ability to make decisions. Oh and Imma gonna spy on these dumbass students who think they can overthrow the government.
IDS: Okay, so we've built this big ass barricade to keep the army out. The people are totally going to thank us for upsetting their lives and building a mountain out of their stuff. This dude says he'll spy for us and we're totally gonna believe him. Our only problem right now is that Marius is being all stupid over Cos leaving.
M: My life sucks. My OTL is leaving forever. Oh hey, Ep. Barring the fact you followed me somewhere that's really dangerous, will you take my totally awesome goodbye-love letter to Cos?
Ep: You're an idiot...FINE. I'll deliver it but I'm going to be depressed the whole time. Oh hey, you're Cos' dad. Here, take this.
JVJ: This says some idiot is in love with my daughter but is going to die tonight.
Ep: Pretty much, have a good day.
JVJ: Be careful.
Ep: Yeah, right.
IDS: Oh hey, this guy who said he was totally trustworthy is actually Jav, and we're gonna tie him up and kill him later. Oh look, here's another old dude saying he wants to help. We'd question him but the army's attacking and we don't wanna die.
M: Ep, WTH?
Ep: I just wanted you to know I did your stupid errand. BTW, I'm going to bleed to death now.
M: Oh wow, I'm sad you're dead, but not sad enough to not be an idiot.
IDS: Hey we repelled the troops, YAY US! Old dude, you totally helped.
JVJ: I know. Can I have Jav? I'll kill him for you.
IDS: You two have a great time together.
Jav: I knew you sucked!
JVJ: Bitch please, I just saved your ass. Go do your justice thing. You can even arrest me later if you want.
Jav: WTF?
JVJ: See ya, I gotta go save the dumbass my daughter's in love with.
Jav: ...
IDS: Well crap, we're all dying and we're gonna whine about it. Somehow, building our awesome barricade didn't get us food, ammunition, or support. Even the old dude can't keep us alive.
JVJ: No offense, but I can only carry one of you, and it's this idiot here because I want my daughter to be happy.
IDS: It's okay, we're dead now so we don't care.
Nard: I'm stealing shit from the dead in the sewers. Hey, it's JVJ again. He's got his own dead guy. I'm gonna take something from his dead man and blackmail him later.
Jav: Okay, I'm back and I really mean it this time JVJ, you're coming with me.
JVJ: Uh...can this wait until this twat I'm carrying isn't dying?
Jav: Grr..fine. No wait, I just did something moral instead of lawful. I'd die if I tried to take the rod out now so I'm just going to drown myself instead.
JVJ: Ooookay, you have fun with that.
Cos: Yay! You're not dead.
M: But I'm emo now. All my friends are dead. Survivor's guilt sucks.
Cos: Here, we'll get married and you can forget about it.
M: Yay.
JVJ: A word, before you gallivant off to go legally bone my daughter.
M: Sure thing, DAD.
JVJ. First of all, don't call me that. Second of all, I just want to warn you that I'm not actually her dad, but I've been her guardian for so long I may as well be. I'm also a known convict so to keep everybody happy, I'm gonna go be emo by myself. Just tell Cos that I've gone on a trip and won't come back.
M: Okiedokie, Dad.
JVJ: Dumbass, god I wish I was dead.
Wedding Guests: Everybody else died, but good for you two! Go procreate or somethinig!"
M & Cos: Yay!
Nard: Hang on a minute.
M: Now what?
Nard: If you pay me, I'll talk.
M: You suck, but here, take five grand.
Nard: JVJ is con.
M: Well, duh.
Nard: But it gets better. He totally killed one of your dumb IDS friends. See, I took a token from the body.
M: Okay, ew. And I'm that dumb IDS, dumber still since it's been pretty obvious from the beginning who rescued me since we're the only two who lived in the first place. Nard, get the hell out of here. Cos, we're gonna go see your dad.
Cos: K.
JVJ: Wow, I didn't really mean it, but here I am dying.
Cos: Hey, you can't die!
M: Yeah, you all saved me and stuff and I have to thank you for it.
JVJ: Aw, you're a peach. But I'm like having visions of Cos' dead mom, so I think it's a bit late for that. See ya.
Cast: Let's sing about how life doesn't suck, even though we just got done telling you it does.
The end.