Re: Oh dear, another long comment - pretend to be shocked, ok?red_satin_dollJuly 25 2013, 22:41:45 UTC
I read once that Joss's real purpose with the show was to depict a male character who was comfortable with strong women and if he saw himself as Xander? that's a head-scratcher. (also disappointing - we need more stories ABOUT women for their own sake.)
I've seen discussion where people say that Xander is "sexist but not a misogynist" but - that's a pretty fine distinction to make, and I'm not sure there's a solid line between the two.
BTW I have another theory as to Xander's motivation in ITW: Riley was sort of Xander's alter-ego. (Remember in Halloween in S2 his costume was "soldier"? He's also a soldier in Restless.) that's not how he sees himself in reality but wishes he were. He doesn't do anything like take martial arts or self-defense classes though. He just complains. And he also complains about not having male friends but doesn't do anything about that either. Riley is both an idealized version of himself, and at the same time a "normal guy" who likes him and he can pal around with. (Almost like an older brother, really.)
I'm not saying it replaces the idea of Riley not being a vampire, but I think it's part of the mix. (Also, Xander was using Buffy to practice the things he wanted to say to Anya. He's really talking about himself "the long haul guy.")
It really makes me ache that when Buffy starts the series she's wounded from her father's pulling away, she'll be wounded by Angel and Giles, but at the start of S4 she's telling Willow that she still thinks love has to involve some pain. Meaning, she still believes in love and that she can find it eventually. It's only after Riley dumps her and Joyce dies that Buffy starts saying she's unlovable and unable to love. That - breaks my heart. *hugs Buffy*
And I know what you mean about males, oh dear do I ever. I lot of people have problems with the depiction of dads in the series; I really don't because -well, I've never known a loving father. My dad died, two alcoholic ex-stepfathers...so the father figures in the series fit my reality pretty well. Btw, if you get a chance to read my meta (I'm proud of it, hence the self-pimage): http://red-satin-doll.livejournal.com/13017.html I think (hope?) you'll like it.
Re: Oh dear, another long comment - pretend to be shocked, ok?kudagirlJuly 25 2013, 23:17:48 UTC
Xander's problem was no woman could compare to Buffy. He found fault with Cordy and Anya since they were not Buffy.
I totally think Xander thought if he couldn't get Buffy, then Riley was acceptable second. And Xander didn't really feel that Riley going to vamps for suck jobs was Riley's fault. He laid that at Buffy's feet. She wasn't paying attention to Riley so it was her fault. Like being the Slayer, taking care of her mother and her sister, protecting Dawn from Glory and etc wasn't enough.
Riley's self esteem took a hit when he lost Maggie and the Army. He lost his whole idea of who he was and then he found out about the chip in his chest. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep up with Buffy so he pouted and got jealous. He wanted to be the "Man" to Buffy's little woman. Heck even Joyce didn't need a man to take care of her. That lifestyle wasn't in the cards for Buffy. Riley just wasn't a good fit for her.
I really hated Riley in "As You Where". Riley could have told her about Sam, but he chose to keep it quiet till Sam showed up. I feel like he wanted to rub it in Buffy's face. Buffy saw what Riley and Sam had and it was what she had wanted. Sam looked up to Riley and depended on him in a way that Buffy would never have done. Riley showed up and forced Buffy to look at her life. That was what forced her to deal with her depression. It was the turning point for her. I just think he was kinda shitty about how he did it.
Gonna get meta-splurgy here, fasten your seatbelt and settle inred_satin_dollJuly 26 2013, 14:25:52 UTC
First of all? that Riley icon is FUCKING BRILLIANT. Dude needs to be called on the carpet. ( I wrote about that too, recently. I'm torn between really laying into him in meta or lettting it go and concentrating on what I love - the ladies of the verse.)
He found fault with Cordy and Anya since they were not Buffy.
My opinion? His treatment of Cordy and Anya would have happened regardless of Buffy; that's from his father. (Unfortunately we don't see Mr Harris until HB but in this case Xander's behavior is consistent enough from the beginning that we don't have to wait until S6 to infer that.)
The three women whom he's sexually attracted to are all slut-shamed because for him attraction includes an element of possession. (Women have been "owned" by men for centuries. The Slayer/WC dynamic is actually a good metaphor for that.) Willow is the only one who escapes being being on the receiving end of his shaming or jealousy except for that brief period in S3 he's never sexually attracted to Willow. If anything he tends to ignore he - totally misses her attraction to him.
This is NOT to say that if someone is attracted to you, you're obliged to return it. It doesn't work that way. But if Xander is "one of the girls" to Buffy, then Willow is "one of the guys" to Xander.
Which is why Grave irks me; it's part of Xander's arc to be "a better man", but he's never NOT loved Willow in his way. Their friendship has never been in doubt. He's never thrown contempt hate or scorn at her; so it doesn't entirely. That scene would have worked better thematically with Anya or Cordy going evil. (His scene with Buffy in SR where he says that she used to confide in him re: her personal life also doesn't work for me - Willow was her confidante S1-3. Was he ever her confidante again esp after Becoming?)
He laid that at Buffy's feet.
Rebcake had a great phrase for this: "Flinging blame like Mardi Gras beads" http://red-satin-doll.livejournal.com/17153.html?thread=352001#t352001 I disagree with her that Riley wasn't also placing blame on her, because he totally was, and for all the reasons you listed. So - agree with your analysis of Riley. As far as Riley being a good fit for her - I'm not sure that any man could be. Who knows? I think they actually could have been good friends, if Riley hadn't been such an ass.
And I do get that Riley was hurting, that he had issues, etc - but, I'm sorry. Dawn has MUCH bigger identify issues than Riley does.
Sam looked up to Riley and depended on him in a way that Buffy would never have done.
I'd have to watch the episode again - GAG - but I recall her giving back as good as she got verbally. There was a nice dynamic there between them (although in what military operation would a married couple be allowed to work together, much less in the same chain of command?) What's ironic is what they have is pretty much what Buffy wanted and imagined she had with RIley, and what he DIDN'T want: an equal partner, someone to trust for support.
That was what forced her to deal with her depression.
Making HIM the poster boy for emotional health? in the same season where Giles and Xander come swooping in to the rescue and be the Big Damn Heros of S6? Sorry but no. And depression doesn't work that way anyway.
Re: Gonna get meta-splurgy here, fasten your seatbelt and settle inkudagirlJuly 26 2013, 22:25:16 UTC
What I meant by Sam looking up to Riley was how she saw him as a partner. She praised him. Buffy hurt Riley's feelings because she didn't want him along what she patrolled. Spike even notice that. Sam and Riley shared the work load. Buffy never was comfortable doing that with Riley. She always held back a bit with him sparing and preferred that he didn't kill demons with her after he had the chip removed.
I think seeing her life through Riley's eyes was when Buffy decided to end it with Spike and that was the beginning of her taking steps to work on her life. Before that she just used Spike to push away her pain. She admitted she was using him and how it hurt her. It was seeing her current life compared to Riley and Sam's that jarred her into change. She still had lots of things to work on, but that was a turning point for her. That was what I meant.
I've seen discussion where people say that Xander is "sexist but not a misogynist" but - that's a pretty fine distinction to make, and I'm not sure there's a solid line between the two.
BTW I have another theory as to Xander's motivation in ITW: Riley was sort of Xander's alter-ego. (Remember in Halloween in S2 his costume was "soldier"? He's also a soldier in Restless.) that's not how he sees himself in reality but wishes he were. He doesn't do anything like take martial arts or self-defense classes though. He just complains. And he also complains about not having male friends but doesn't do anything about that either. Riley is both an idealized version of himself, and at the same time a "normal guy" who likes him and he can pal around with. (Almost like an older brother, really.)
I'm not saying it replaces the idea of Riley not being a vampire, but I think it's part of the mix. (Also, Xander was using Buffy to practice the things he wanted to say to Anya. He's really talking about himself "the long haul guy.")
It really makes me ache that when Buffy starts the series she's wounded from her father's pulling away, she'll be wounded by Angel and Giles, but at the start of S4 she's telling Willow that she still thinks love has to involve some pain. Meaning, she still believes in love and that she can find it eventually. It's only after Riley dumps her and Joyce dies that Buffy starts saying she's unlovable and unable to love. That - breaks my heart. *hugs Buffy*
And I know what you mean about males, oh dear do I ever. I lot of people have problems with the depiction of dads in the series; I really don't because -well, I've never known a loving father. My dad died, two alcoholic ex-stepfathers...so the father figures in the series fit my reality pretty well.
Btw, if you get a chance to read my meta (I'm proud of it, hence the self-pimage): http://red-satin-doll.livejournal.com/13017.html I think (hope?) you'll like it.
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I totally think Xander thought if he couldn't get Buffy, then Riley was acceptable second. And Xander didn't really feel that Riley going to vamps for suck jobs was Riley's fault. He laid that at Buffy's feet. She wasn't paying attention to Riley so it was her fault. Like being the Slayer, taking care of her mother and her sister, protecting Dawn from Glory and etc wasn't enough.
Riley's self esteem took a hit when he lost Maggie and the Army. He lost his whole idea of who he was and then he found out about the chip in his chest. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep up with Buffy so he pouted and got jealous. He wanted to be the "Man" to Buffy's little woman. Heck even Joyce didn't need a man to take care of her. That lifestyle wasn't in the cards for Buffy. Riley just wasn't a good fit for her.
I really hated Riley in "As You Where". Riley could have told her about Sam, but he chose to keep it quiet till Sam showed up. I feel like he wanted to rub it in Buffy's face. Buffy saw what Riley and Sam had and it was what she had wanted. Sam looked up to Riley and depended on him in a way that Buffy would never have done. Riley showed up and forced Buffy to look at her life. That was what forced her to deal with her depression. It was the turning point for her. I just think he was kinda shitty about how he did it.
Reply
He found fault with Cordy and Anya since they were not Buffy.
My opinion? His treatment of Cordy and Anya would have happened regardless of Buffy; that's from his father. (Unfortunately we don't see Mr Harris until HB but in this case Xander's behavior is consistent enough from the beginning that we don't have to wait until S6 to infer that.)
The three women whom he's sexually attracted to are all slut-shamed because for him attraction includes an element of possession. (Women have been "owned" by men for centuries. The Slayer/WC dynamic is actually a good metaphor for that.) Willow is the only one who escapes being being on the receiving end of his shaming or jealousy except for that brief period in S3 he's never sexually attracted to Willow. If anything he tends to ignore he - totally misses her attraction to him.
This is NOT to say that if someone is attracted to you, you're obliged to return it. It doesn't work that way. But if Xander is "one of the girls" to Buffy, then Willow is "one of the guys" to Xander.
Which is why Grave irks me; it's part of Xander's arc to be "a better man", but he's never NOT loved Willow in his way. Their friendship has never been in doubt. He's never thrown contempt hate or scorn at her; so it doesn't entirely. That scene would have worked better thematically with Anya or Cordy going evil. (His scene with Buffy in SR where he says that she used to confide in him re: her personal life also doesn't work for me - Willow was her confidante S1-3. Was he ever her confidante again esp after Becoming?)
He laid that at Buffy's feet.
Rebcake had a great phrase for this: "Flinging blame like Mardi Gras beads" http://red-satin-doll.livejournal.com/17153.html?thread=352001#t352001 I disagree with her that Riley wasn't also placing blame on her, because he totally was, and for all the reasons you listed. So - agree with your analysis of Riley. As far as Riley being a good fit for her - I'm not sure that any man could be. Who knows? I think they actually could have been good friends, if Riley hadn't been such an ass.
And I do get that Riley was hurting, that he had issues, etc - but, I'm sorry. Dawn has MUCH bigger identify issues than Riley does.
Sam looked up to Riley and depended on him in a way that Buffy would never have done.
I'd have to watch the episode again - GAG - but I recall her giving back as good as she got verbally. There was a nice dynamic there between them (although in what military operation would a married couple be allowed to work together, much less in the same chain of command?) What's ironic is what they have is pretty much what Buffy wanted and imagined she had with RIley, and what he DIDN'T want: an equal partner, someone to trust for support.
That was what forced her to deal with her depression.
Making HIM the poster boy for emotional health? in the same season where Giles and Xander come swooping in to the rescue and be the Big Damn Heros of S6? Sorry but no. And depression doesn't work that way anyway.
Reply
I think seeing her life through Riley's eyes was when Buffy decided to end it with Spike and that was the beginning of her taking steps to work on her life. Before that she just used Spike to push away her pain. She admitted she was using him and how it hurt her. It was seeing her current life compared to Riley and Sam's that jarred her into change. She still had lots of things to work on, but that was a turning point for her. That was what I meant.
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