What is it?
Do you suffer from self created drama?
God knows I do. In the course of a few months, I have completely wrecked my ENTIRE life and I am at a complete loss as to how to get it back. I feel like I am caught in a downward spiral that won't stop till I am completely at the bottom of the barrel. How do I get myself out of the hole that I have dug so deep for myself? I feel like I should go to bed and pull the covers over my head. Then I can pretend that none of it exists. The lack of anything concrete. The lack of purpose. The feeling of undeniable despair and loneliness.
I never used to be like this. I did not need the company of others to be content, and now I hate to be alone. Being alone means facing myself. My inner hatred and self loathing. The fear that this is all there is. The depths that I have fallen. The feeling of not having control over ANYTHING. What makes that disipate? Does it disipate? Is it real? Am I real? Am I still living or is this hell. The hell I have created for myself.
What makes life worth going on? Can anyone tell me that? I am living to make other people happy? My parents? My friends? What about me? Should I bother trying to make myself happy? Whenever I do, I just seem to make things worse. I am trapped in a cycle. Something good happens, and I feel content. Then like clockwork, the bad starts. One thing. Two things. Before I know it I have lost count and I am wading thru the muck of my existence. When I am gone from this level of hell, will I have made a mark? What will I be remembered for? Nothing.
My life will have been pointless. A sham. I hardly call this thing that I am constantly waking up for a life. Maybe I just have too much time to think. Maybe I don't have enough time to think. Maybe Ishould stop trying to live and just do it. Is it that hard? Living, I mean. Why does it seem so dificult? Shouldn't that be the easy part? I mean the body pretty much does it for you. Breath in, Breath out. Blood flows without thinking about it. The brain keeps going even when I am not. In my dreams, these things don't matter. I am happy. Maybe I should do that more often. Sleep. Novel concept. All around me, I see it. Life happening. People milling about in their humdrum daily existence. What makes it worthwhile? Some inner need to have more than the next guy? Being able to actually afford that? Once you have it, don't you just want something else?
It is hard to settle on anything. Why should I buy this house, when I may find a better one next week, next month, next year. Why should I buy this computer, when it will be obsolete tomorrow. Why should I date this man, when someone funnier or better looking is right around the corner. What happens when you pass up the good stuff for the next best thing? Do you ever get it back? Does fate give you a second chance or just turn her back on you? If that is the case, I am FUCKED. I have made some REALLY bad decisions in my life. starting with leaving the womb, and they just seem to get worse from there.
I believe I have babbled enough for now. Feel free to move on to the next post. Never settle. The next one is always the next best thing.
God knows I do. In the course of a few months, I have completely wrecked my ENTIRE life and I am at a complete loss as to how to get it back. I feel like I am caught in a downward spiral that won't stop till I am completely at the bottom of the barrel. How do I get myself out of the hole that I have dug so deep for myself? I feel like I should go to bed and pull the covers over my head. Then I can pretend that none of it exists. The lack of anything concrete. The lack of purpose. The feeling of undeniable despair and loneliness.
I never used to be like this. I did not need the company of others to be content, and now I hate to be alone. Being alone means facing myself. My inner hatred and self loathing. The fear that this is all there is. The depths that I have fallen. The feeling of not having control over ANYTHING. What makes that disipate? Does it disipate? Is it real? Am I real? Am I still living or is this hell. The hell I have created for myself.
What makes life worth going on? Can anyone tell me that? I am living to make other people happy? My parents? My friends? What about me? Should I bother trying to make myself happy? Whenever I do, I just seem to make things worse. I am trapped in a cycle. Something good happens, and I feel content. Then like clockwork, the bad starts. One thing. Two things. Before I know it I have lost count and I am wading thru the muck of my existence. When I am gone from this level of hell, will I have made a mark? What will I be remembered for? Nothing.
My life will have been pointless. A sham. I hardly call this thing that I am constantly waking up for a life. Maybe I just have too much time to think. Maybe I don't have enough time to think. Maybe Ishould stop trying to live and just do it. Is it that hard? Living, I mean. Why does it seem so dificult? Shouldn't that be the easy part? I mean the body pretty much does it for you. Breath in, Breath out. Blood flows without thinking about it. The brain keeps going even when I am not. In my dreams, these things don't matter. I am happy. Maybe I should do that more often. Sleep. Novel concept. All around me, I see it. Life happening. People milling about in their humdrum daily existence. What makes it worthwhile? Some inner need to have more than the next guy? Being able to actually afford that? Once you have it, don't you just want something else?
It is hard to settle on anything. Why should I buy this house, when I may find a better one next week, next month, next year. Why should I buy this computer, when it will be obsolete tomorrow. Why should I date this man, when someone funnier or better looking is right around the corner. What happens when you pass up the good stuff for the next best thing? Do you ever get it back? Does fate give you a second chance or just turn her back on you? If that is the case, I am FUCKED. I have made some REALLY bad decisions in my life. starting with leaving the womb, and they just seem to get worse from there.
I believe I have babbled enough for now. Feel free to move on to the next post. Never settle. The next one is always the next best thing.