(no subject)
Very strange sensations tonight, New Year's Eve. I was feeling just fine all day, and then tonight around Maya's bedtime a feeling of profound sadness came over me. I have no explanation for it, even now. Roland asked if maybe it was nostalgia, and I had to think. I don't wish I was back in Spain; I'm very happy and grateful about how everything here is working out. The house and work and family are all just fine. We're even hitting some bumps and challenges already in living together, so I know I'm not completely lost in some sort of honeymoon phase of being here. At least to some degree, reality is setting in and we're dealing with the issues as they arise, as best we can. Can't ask more than that, at this point anyway.
However, it has only been a few weeks, and it is a major change. Knowing myself, something is going on inside me that is causing my feeling of sadness that I am not yet aware of. It is amazing how my body sometimes behaves totally differently than usual, without any obvious causal connection. All I know is that my physical state is usually a reflection of my mental and emotional state and vice versa. My sadness is based on something...
....loss of what I'm familiar with, and have been for the last 8 years?
... gradual acceptance of the new and different terms of my life? (although I feel like in many ways I have more freedom than ever before)
... sorrow that I'm missing out on the cool techno parties going on here and in Spain?
... simple post-move letdown? (hmmm, simple might be the best option)
... other suggestions from the therapeutic types out there?
In fact, I'm too sad and tired to go out on the street tonight, as all our neighbors will do to celebrate. I just want to curl up in my room with the kitties, as I have done most nights since arriving, treasuring some quiet moments to ourselves (punctured by the fireworks happening non-stop).
However, it has only been a few weeks, and it is a major change. Knowing myself, something is going on inside me that is causing my feeling of sadness that I am not yet aware of. It is amazing how my body sometimes behaves totally differently than usual, without any obvious causal connection. All I know is that my physical state is usually a reflection of my mental and emotional state and vice versa. My sadness is based on something...
....loss of what I'm familiar with, and have been for the last 8 years?
... gradual acceptance of the new and different terms of my life? (although I feel like in many ways I have more freedom than ever before)
... sorrow that I'm missing out on the cool techno parties going on here and in Spain?
... simple post-move letdown? (hmmm, simple might be the best option)
... other suggestions from the therapeutic types out there?
In fact, I'm too sad and tired to go out on the street tonight, as all our neighbors will do to celebrate. I just want to curl up in my room with the kitties, as I have done most nights since arriving, treasuring some quiet moments to ourselves (punctured by the fireworks happening non-stop).