(no subject)
Hey kids.
I'm crying again. And I'm drunk...again.
Why do I care so much? Why can't I just let go? Clearly she has. I want to say six years is a long time to just let go of. Love is a big thing to forget. But she can say that too, and look at her. Cloud fucking nine. Not my place. Why does she get to be happy?
God, I'm a wreck. I sound like a drunken, heartbroken cliche. But it's what I really think, what I really feel. I am alone. I have friends, but I am alone in this. I am SURE people feel this way, lots of people have had long term relationships break up. Lots of people have been left for someone else, been accused of things by people they loved. Why don't I just grow up and move on?
I can't stop THINKING about her. It's not fair that she can do that. I never could. I wanted to be with other people, but I never forgot, nor wanted to forget, being with her. I never wanted that to end. I still think about her everyday and we haven't talked in like two months. (aside from the hateful email) EVERYDAY. And I'll bet she doesn't even miss me. She sounded so happy, in her posts. All of them, before she sent me that message, when we weren't talking. She's in love. Good for her. I wish I was. I wish I could stop missing it. I wish I didn't feel so empty, so broken. It's stupid because most of the time I don't. Because I know I WANT to be better. Because I love myself. Because I don't want to die. But I'm... angry. And sad. And bitter. And pathetic, maybe.
You're not supposed to make it about you. It's not healthy to take these things inside, to make them personal, to hang your self-esteem on someone else's love and approval. But what do you do when someone you would give anything for, not only stops loving you, but hates you for loving and needing them? What do you do when someone cares more about lies than they do about you? After years of doing everything you could to be good to them, they tell you you are not worth even speaking to? What do you do when you realise that you are worthless?
I know, anyone who cares, anyone who's trying to help, will tell me that I'm not. That she shouldn't have hurt me, that I don't deserve it. They'll tell me that she did it to protect herself, that she needed it. I believe that. But it doesn't matter. How could she, if I was worth something? How could she, if I was worthy of love, if she felt, for even a second, the way I have felt about her for every minute of 6 years, how could she make me feel so worthless? How could she be fulfilled and happy and loving, not only without me, but BY abandoning me?
I am weak. I am pathetic and stupid and empty. And I know that. I am so lost.
I don't want sympathy. I'm not asking for love, or caring, or hugs or anything. I just needed to get it out. She never understood that. Still doesn't, probably.
I'll sleep it off, now, try and get better.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
I'm crying again. And I'm drunk...again.
Why do I care so much? Why can't I just let go? Clearly she has. I want to say six years is a long time to just let go of. Love is a big thing to forget. But she can say that too, and look at her. Cloud fucking nine. Not my place. Why does she get to be happy?
God, I'm a wreck. I sound like a drunken, heartbroken cliche. But it's what I really think, what I really feel. I am alone. I have friends, but I am alone in this. I am SURE people feel this way, lots of people have had long term relationships break up. Lots of people have been left for someone else, been accused of things by people they loved. Why don't I just grow up and move on?
I can't stop THINKING about her. It's not fair that she can do that. I never could. I wanted to be with other people, but I never forgot, nor wanted to forget, being with her. I never wanted that to end. I still think about her everyday and we haven't talked in like two months. (aside from the hateful email) EVERYDAY. And I'll bet she doesn't even miss me. She sounded so happy, in her posts. All of them, before she sent me that message, when we weren't talking. She's in love. Good for her. I wish I was. I wish I could stop missing it. I wish I didn't feel so empty, so broken. It's stupid because most of the time I don't. Because I know I WANT to be better. Because I love myself. Because I don't want to die. But I'm... angry. And sad. And bitter. And pathetic, maybe.
You're not supposed to make it about you. It's not healthy to take these things inside, to make them personal, to hang your self-esteem on someone else's love and approval. But what do you do when someone you would give anything for, not only stops loving you, but hates you for loving and needing them? What do you do when someone cares more about lies than they do about you? After years of doing everything you could to be good to them, they tell you you are not worth even speaking to? What do you do when you realise that you are worthless?
I know, anyone who cares, anyone who's trying to help, will tell me that I'm not. That she shouldn't have hurt me, that I don't deserve it. They'll tell me that she did it to protect herself, that she needed it. I believe that. But it doesn't matter. How could she, if I was worth something? How could she, if I was worthy of love, if she felt, for even a second, the way I have felt about her for every minute of 6 years, how could she make me feel so worthless? How could she be fulfilled and happy and loving, not only without me, but BY abandoning me?
I am weak. I am pathetic and stupid and empty. And I know that. I am so lost.
I don't want sympathy. I'm not asking for love, or caring, or hugs or anything. I just needed to get it out. She never understood that. Still doesn't, probably.
I'll sleep it off, now, try and get better.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight