An apology and a plea.
Hey Kids,
I got an email today that confirmed every fear I have ever had about myself. Every hope I had that I could be a good person is basically wasted away. I WANT to be better. I NEED to be better. But if I don't mean to hurt, if I don't KNOW I'm manipulating, how can I fix it, without the help of the people I love, the people who care about me?
I am honestly contemplating suicide in a way that I haven't in many years. I don't think I will do it, because I am not...made that way. Because I don't have the guts, and because I don't think it FIXES anything. But I am at the point where I don't see how I can fix what is apparently wrong with me.
All I tried to do was be honest and express my feelings and have the things I felt like I needed. I tried to balance the needs and requests of others alongside mine, and I thought that I had succeeded most of the time. It turns out however, that I never did that. Perhaps I need psychiatric help, perhaps there is some part of me that prevents me from seeing when people are hurting, and when I am treating them unfairly. I care DEEPLY about others. I hope that everyone I have cared for knows that. I hope that no one thinks that I was ever apathetic about them, or that I ever used them intentionally.
If you read this, and you think "that's me," if I have ever hurt you, please let me know. I want nothing more than to make amends for the hurt I have caused. I want nothing more than to learn how to be better, how to consider others and love them in a way where they will know it, and not feel like a convenience or a fling. I want to learn how to be the kind of person who can love and be loved in a way that will not hurt others or myself.
Please, if I have ever hurt you, let me know, and let me make amends.
And if you ever can, please find it in your heart to try and forgive me. I never meant for it to be this way.
If I am not forgivable, if I am a monster, and you truly believe that I care nothing for you or for the other people I have been close to, I am sorry. And I hope you have a wonderful life, and find people who will not hurt you the way that I have.
Love to all of you, honestly.
~Ralph
I got an email today that confirmed every fear I have ever had about myself. Every hope I had that I could be a good person is basically wasted away. I WANT to be better. I NEED to be better. But if I don't mean to hurt, if I don't KNOW I'm manipulating, how can I fix it, without the help of the people I love, the people who care about me?
I am honestly contemplating suicide in a way that I haven't in many years. I don't think I will do it, because I am not...made that way. Because I don't have the guts, and because I don't think it FIXES anything. But I am at the point where I don't see how I can fix what is apparently wrong with me.
All I tried to do was be honest and express my feelings and have the things I felt like I needed. I tried to balance the needs and requests of others alongside mine, and I thought that I had succeeded most of the time. It turns out however, that I never did that. Perhaps I need psychiatric help, perhaps there is some part of me that prevents me from seeing when people are hurting, and when I am treating them unfairly. I care DEEPLY about others. I hope that everyone I have cared for knows that. I hope that no one thinks that I was ever apathetic about them, or that I ever used them intentionally.
If you read this, and you think "that's me," if I have ever hurt you, please let me know. I want nothing more than to make amends for the hurt I have caused. I want nothing more than to learn how to be better, how to consider others and love them in a way where they will know it, and not feel like a convenience or a fling. I want to learn how to be the kind of person who can love and be loved in a way that will not hurt others or myself.
Please, if I have ever hurt you, let me know, and let me make amends.
And if you ever can, please find it in your heart to try and forgive me. I never meant for it to be this way.
If I am not forgivable, if I am a monster, and you truly believe that I care nothing for you or for the other people I have been close to, I am sorry. And I hope you have a wonderful life, and find people who will not hurt you the way that I have.
Love to all of you, honestly.
~Ralph