panic attacks suck
i hate feeling like this. i don't even know what it is. i mean, i can guess. i'm under pressure right now to take the stupid gre and get into graduate school but so what, who isn't under pressure. i feel anxious and yucky all over. i'm tired and it's late, i have to be at work in less than eight hours but i can't even think about sleep right now. i feel like if i can just get home tomorrow night things will be ok. times like this i just want to gather up everybody i care about and lock them in my apartment with me forever. my family is so small i worry all the time about losing one of them. i hate it hate it hate it. i think that i have fear of abandonment issues or something since my dad died when i was younger. actually, i know that i do, especially b/c of the way he died. my brother and his wife are flying into town tomorrow and i'm scared for no reason. i hate that my first thought of a way to calm myself down is to take some kind of pill. i'm such an embodiment of american culture in so many ways; i just want some chemical to fix the other chemicals without having to think or feel anything slightly uncomfortable. i miss lindsey. i miss having a friend in this town. i don't think i used to be such a mess.