[FIC] #018 - Silence Speaks For Me 4/4
Title: silence speaks for me
Prompt: #135 - Pacific Rim AU
Pairing(s): Kris/Tao, background Lay/Xiumin, Chen/Suho, and Lu Han/Sehun
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: don't know them, don't own them, etc. etc.
Warning(s): age gap (upwards of sixteen years), age play for other members of exo, minor character death, ambiguous drug dependence, little to no knowledge of korean military ranks, criminal lack of jongin, ???
Word Count: ~20,000
Summary: "Kris pilots his first Jaeger when he is barely 18, becoming the youngest pilot in the worldwide Jaeger program. 16 years later, Tao wants that title and the glory that comes with it."
Author's Notes: shoutout to e for not even being in this fandom but holding my hand through this fic anyway, and also to my roommate who will never read this but who sat through about five different verbal versions of it ♥ also thank you to the mods for being so lovely throughout this entire process!
Lu Han ignores Kris. Kris was expecting that; he braces himself for Lu Han's cold shoulder and Minseok's questioning looks. Kris wants to ask if Lu Han is secretly five years old, because he's acting like it, but then he'd probably have to come to terms with the fact he's ignoring Sehun altogether. It's not difficult, since now the cadets are working mostly in their pilot pairs and Kris doesn't have to hold their hands anymore through the training drill, but it still feels like a giant elephant in the room.
There's another reason Kris avoids Sehun; part of it is definitely the awkwardness lingering after he'd caught them, but another is that Sehun is Zitao's self-proclaimed best friend, and usually where Sehun and Jongin are, Zitao's not far behind. Kris still feels the phantom heat crawling up the back of his neck whenever he spots Zitao looking at him. It's almost the same kind of look Zitao had given him before this entire thing, when he'd first challenged Kris; it's still intense and determined, but there's a little bit of hurt flashing there. Kris can tell by the way Zitao's mouth purses just slightly after Kris catches him looking, then looks away.
"Duizhang," Zitao tries to say one day after training, his voice high and reedy and pleading. "Are you mad at me?" It's childish, and Zitao's face pinks when Kris looks at him, but he determinedly continues, "I've already said I'm sorry. What else do you want me to do? Beg?" Zitao scoffs out the last word, but then a little worry crosses his face, like he actually thinks Kris is going to make him beg. The problem is, Kris does sort of want to do that, just in an entirely different situation.
"You should head down to J-Tech for your instruction," Kris says blandly, nodding at the door, and Zitao's face falls before he schools his expression into a carefully blank one. The bow Zitao gives is formal and stiff, and Kris looks away before he can watch Zitao leave.
"Enough is enough," Baekhyun says at lunch, slamming his tray down onto the table in front of Kris. Kris jumps and glares balefully up at Baekhyun, who looks irritated when he takes a seat. "Whatever you did to Zitao, can you just apologize? Or let him properly apologize?"
Kris swallows; his mouth is suddenly dry. "How do you know about that?" Kris asks, careful to keep his face calm and disinterested. Baekhyun's scoff tells him he's not very successful.
"Zitao's an open book," Baekhyun scoffs. "You don't have to be an expert to know that, unless apparently, your name is Kris Wu."
Kris scowls at him. "Don't speak with your mouth full."
"Stop being a dick to Zitao," Baekhyun replies. "The kid adores you, God knows why, and it's interfering with his training." He jabs his finger in Kris's direction, looking too fierce for someone that barely reaches Kris's chin.
"How?"
Baekhyun grimaces. "He's so distracted during tests. Can't keep anything to himself, that kid." He prods Kris's foot with his own. "At least think about it, alright? He really looks up to you."
"Yeah," Kris murmurs. That's the problem. Baekhyun seems to take it as an agreement, though, and he looks a little pleased as he wolfs down the rest of his meal.
Even with Baekhyun breathing down his neck and making vaguely-threatening gestures whenever they pass each other in the halls, Kris puts off confronting Zitao until a few days before Lu Han and Minseok are set to leave. He finds himself at the Combat Room in the middle of the night again, and the feeling of deja vu simmers in his veins as Kris pushes the door open. This time, he's expecting the person standing on the other side.
Zitao stops what he's doing abruptly and bows, nearly folding in half. "Duizhang," Zitao mutters as he straightens, keeping his chin tucked close to his chest. "I know, I'm not supposed to be here. I'll leave now-"
"I'm sorry," Kris blurts out, and Zitao lifts his head, blinking. "That is-I'm not mad that you called me Kris." Kris's heart does a traitorous thump. "You can, if you want."
Zitao still looks confused and a little wary. "Then, why did you run out?" he asks, cocking his head. "Was it because I beat you?" Even now, there's a little bit of pride in Zitao's voice, and Kris is torn between rolling his eyes and smiling helplessly.
"If you can call that a win," Kris says dryly, and the edge of Zitao's lip curls upward. Kris steps forward, slowly, and Zitao tracks him with his eyes as Kris moves to grab a staff from the weapons' rack. "Can you do it again?"
It's not an apology; Kris doesn't know if he can apologize, because that would mean explaining things that Kris doesn't want to, so he doesn't, and Zitao seems to know this. Zitao pauses for half a second, and for that half a second, Kris thinks that he's fucked this up entirely, that there's no going back to how they were before.
And then Zitao grins. "Of course I can," he scoffs. "Who do you think I am?"
Falling back into their pattern is easy; Kris beats Zitao by the skin of his teeth, and Zitao pouts about it, demanding Kris help him up from where he's sprawled out on the mats. Zitao's hand is warm and dry, and Kris lets himself have this before he pulls away, pretending to need a water.
Zitao collapses on the bench near the edge of the mats, eyes closed and head tipped back to open up his chest. He's sweating and puffing, but not too badly; their bodies are used to this by now, after all. Kris looks at the long column of Zitao's throat, the elegant, sharp lines of his profile and jaw, and he thinks he's getting himself into even more trouble. Kris never pegged himself as a masochist, but here he is.
Kris throws the extra towel he'd brought so that it falls over Zitao's face. It's worth it when Zitao straightens abruptly with a startled yelp, and Kris snorts as he falls onto the bench next to Zitao. Zitao glares at him, but softens immediately when Kris offers him the water bottle.
"I hope you're happy," Kris says long-sufferingly. "That was my only one."
"I forgot mine," Zitao says carelessly, taking a long swig of it and taking care to sigh happily after it, like he's rubbing it in. Kris rolls his eyes.
"You always forget yours," he complains half-heartedly, and Zitao offers the bottle toward him, a perfectly angelic smile on his face. Kris makes a face.
"I gave it to you, didn't I?" Kris says, pushing it back to Zitao. "I don't want your germs anyway."
Zitao snorts, and they lapse into a comfortable silence. Their shoulders brush just the slightest bit, and Kris feels all at once content. If he could spend the rest of his life like this, he would. In the quiet of the Combat Room after hours, that thought doesn't frighten him as much as he thought.
"About Sehun and Lu Han-ge," Zitao says apropos of nothing, and Kris tenses just a little.
"How do you know about that?" Kris asks.
"Sehun's been whining and crying about it for the last few days," Zitao says. "It's incredibly annoying. He thinks you hate him, and that you'll never give him high marks again."
"I don't hate him," Kris says automatically, then he looks down at his hands. "I think it's just inappropriate. Lu Han's an older pilot, and Sehun's so young." Zitao's so young. "Don't you think they're better suited for people their age, who are at the same places in their lives?"
Zitao hums thoughtfully, looking at the far end of the room. "Sehun's always talking about Lu Han-ge," he says slowly. "And even when he's not, you can tell when he's thinking about him because he gets this stupid look on his face, like he's constipated or something." Kris can't help but bark out a laugh at that; Sehun's usually stone-faced around him. He can't even begin to imagine that.
"But he's happy," Zitao says. "You can tell that, at least." He glances at Kris out of the corner of his eye and half-smiles, and Kris feels like he's floating, warmth emanating from his very core. "I think whenever you think about something like that-relationships, or whatever-you should think about whether or not it makes you happy. You deserve to be happy."
"Wow," Kris manages. "Wise words coming from a sixteen year old."
Zitao scowls. "I'll be seventeen soon," he says mutinously.
"Not soon enough, kid," Kris says, then ruffles Zitao's hair to his loud protests.
Kris sleeps fitfully the night before Lu Han and Minseok are set to leave, tossing and turning in his bed, and when he wakes up for Lu Han and Minseok's send-off, he feels like he's barely slept at all. He takes three pills dry and trudges his way to the entrance to the Academy where he will send Olympus Vega off, wishing wistfully and not a little bitterly for coffee.
To his surprise, Kris finds Sehun lurking in the shadows uncertainly, and Kris's authoritative "Sehun, what are you doing here?" makes him jump.
"Daejang," Sehun says, eyes wide like he hadn't been peeking out of the only corner leading to the entrance. He bows quickly and straightens, hands immediately falling flat against his thighs. "I wasn't-I just-I mean, I was hoping-"
Kris isn't really angry anymore; he's just resigned and a little bit stung at Lu Han's comments, and the nervousness practically emanating from Sehun is enough to soften Kris toward him. He's really a sap.
"Are you here to see Lu Han?" Kris interrupts, and Sehun's cheeks go bright pink as he looks down, his mouth set in an embarrassed line. "I asked you a question."
"Yes," Sehun tells the ground shyly before he peeks up at Kris. It's an action that's all too familiar, and Kris suddenly sees someone else in Sehun's place, someone a bit taller, with more piercings, and a whiny "duizhang" on his lips.
"Yes, what?" Kris prompts. "Clarify."
"Yes, daejang. I'm here to see Lu Han-hyung," Sehun says, each word dragged out of him like a stubborn mule, and Kris feels a little sorry for him. The flush has spread to his ears now, but even though Sehun isn't looking at him, he's still determinedly stood there, rigid and unmoving.
"Lu Han and Minseok will be here soon," Kris says finally, and Sehun looks up. "Once they're in the chopper, I want you back down with Joonmyun-junjang, do you understand?"
Sehun's smile is huge, eyes crinkling up at the edges, before it sharpens at the edges. "You know," Sehun says, "you look really scary at first, but you're actually soft on the inside. Like a grumpy stuffed animal."
Kris scowls. "Don't make me regret letting you stay," he warns. Sehun appropriately closes his mouth, but he can't seem to stand still, hands jittery at his sides.
Yixing slides in a few minutes after, looking sleepy and rumpled in an oversized sweater that's definitely not in line with protocol and definitely not his own. Kris doesn't comment, not when Minseok and Lu Han are walking together toward them, fitted in their Drivesuits and armor already. Kris aches a little when Lu Han meets his eyes and something in his face shutters close, but then Kris tilts his head slightly to the right, where Sehun's standing, reduced to stone by his nervousness.
"Sehun," Lu Han says, surprised, fumbling with the helmet underneath his arm. "You're here?"
"Daejang let me stay," Sehun says, his voice a little bit lower. "I wanted to see you off, since..." Sehun steps even closer, and Lu Han's eyes flick to Kris, but Kris just looks impassively back for a few moments and then looks at Yixing and Minseok, their heads bent together. He can hear the soft whoosh of air that Lu Han exhales, and Kris knows that he's been forgiven.
They say their good-byes in a surprisingly somber, subdued manner, and right before they leave, Kris claps both Minseok and Lu Han on the shoulder. "I'd better see you in a year," Kris shouts over the sound of the chopper blades.
"Trust us," Lu Han shouts back, glancing over his shoulder to look at Yixing and Sehun standing together, watching them. "You will. We've got things to come back for."
"Don't miss us too much, Kris," Minseok shouts in farewell, patting Kris's arm, even though Minseok is both younger and shorter than him. It helps that he's sitting in a chopper a few feet above Kris, his short hair flattening hilariously from the wind generated by the blades. "We'll keep you updated. And don't worry-we'll give them hell for you."
"Good," Kris says, his voice getting lost in the noise. His throat suddenly feels very tight. "I wouldn't expect anything less." He steps away and lets the chopper carry Minseok and Lu Han away.
It's not any easier a few days later when Jongdae and Liyin leave. Joonmyun doesn't cry when Jongdae boards the chopper, choosing instead to wave at his boyfriend as they disappear into the sky, on their way to the Shatterdome. He does, however, cry later, when they're walking back to the mess hall, and Kris lets Joonmyun cry in peace, without comment.
The Academy is a bit lonelier without the four pilots. Kris finds himself opening his mouth to tell something to Jongdae only to find him gone. He expects Liyin's face to pop out of the Med Bay doors whenever he's down there, a grin on her face and a story for him about how all of them are amazingly terrible at keeping themselves out of trouble. He expects Minseok to keep Yixing awake during breakfast and for Lu Han to be across from him with a pitcher of orange juice.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol fill the gap somewhat, their antics getting bigger and bigger to accommodate the space they have to fill, but it's still not quite the same. Yixing is still as ditzy as ever, but a little more withdrawn; Joonmyun buries himself in paperwork, as is his two-week ritual is after Jongdae leaves, before Baekhyun threatens bodily harm and gets Joonmyun out of his office. Even Baekhyun and Chanyeol-the infamous pair-are busy, since the cycle is coming to a close, and the Pons Testing portion of training is getting heavier and more difficult to pass. The rankings for the cadets have been holding relatively steady lately, but with each test Drift, Kris finds Zitao's ranking dropping lower and lower. At this rate, despite Zitao's combat skill, he won't make the cut.
Kris asks Baekhyun about it one day, and Baekhyun sighs. "He still doesn't have a co-pilot."
"What?" This surprises Kris a little. "What about Sehun?"
"He's with Jongin," Baekhyun says. "They have about a 90% Drift compatibility; Zitao didn't want to mess with that."
"Then what about someone else?" Kris asks. "Surely there's someone-"
Baekhyun hums, pursing his lips. "Zitao's very... picky. I've been Drifting with him, just so he doesn't fall behind but-" Baekhyun looks at Kris again. "He's on the verge, you know. You'd better talk to him. For some reason, that brat doesn't listen to anyone but you."
Kris doesn't feel smug about it, but, you know, he really does.
He drops by for one of Zitao's Drift sessions, and Zitao's in the middle of getting strapped into the machine when he spots Kris. Kris can't help the warm smile in response to Zitao's expression when he spots him in the tiny window: a mix of delight and surprise. He sits upright from his chair, ignoring as Chanyeol squawks and says something that's probably an admonishment. Zitao points at Kris while looking at Baekhyun. He's too far away for Kris to hear him clearly, but Baekhyun nods and then looks up at Kris. He gestures with a hand.
"Come down," Baekhyun mouths, and Kris nods, clunking down the stairs and slipping in.
The sound of the machinery is immediately soothing; it feels like Kris has slipped into a memory instead of the Conn-Pod control room, but rather than filled with the faint sound of Kaiju roars and a zing of uncertainty, the memory is filled with the excitement Kris had felt the first time he'd Drifted properly. He imagines that's how Zitao must feel now.
"Kris, you came!" Zitao says before he catches himself in his excitement. He pouts instead. "How come it took you so long?"
"I'll come back another time, then," Kris says, half-making to walk out the door again before Zitao's hastily correcting himself and beckoning him closer.
"It's amazing, Kris," Zitao is babbling, beside himself with excitement. Kris watches fondly as Zitao tells Kris all about the inner workings of Jaeger tech-even though they both know Kris already knows perfectly well. All the better, too, because then Kris can concentrate on how Zitao gesticulates wildly, his face sliding through multiple different expressions easily as Chanyeol darts around them, trying to get a wriggling Zitao connected back to the machine.
"Hyung," Chanyeol says crossly to Kris when Zitao pulls out another cord when he's trying to demonstrate how exactly the Relay Gel is inserted into the helmet, "couldn't you have come after he finished his run?"
"It's fine, it's fine," Baekhyun says, preoccupied with something on the screen. "Actually, it's probably better this way." Baekhyun looks up with a tiny smug smirk that has Kris automatically taking one step back. "Kris-hyung, can you Drift with Zitao? I need to be on the monitor for this, and Chanyeol's not me."
"Thank God for that," Kris says dryly before the request sinks in and a little bit of panic edges in. "What about before? When you Drifted with Zitao for practice earlier."
"It's not the same," Baekhyun insists as Chanyeol finally resorts to physically pinning Zitao's arms down to keep him from wriggling. "You know that things are coming down to the wire, and I haven't got the same record with Drifting as you. C'mon, hyung, just this once."
"Yeah, c'mon hyung," Zitao says from his chair before Chanyeol shoves the helmet over his head. Kris's skin itches a little at the honorific, and he searches for a way out of this-it would be inappropriate, he hasn't Drifted in eight years, there's no guarantee he won't chase the rabbit-but Baekhyun looks at him expectantly. Kris is so weak.
"Okay," Kris says weakly, slipping into the chair. Chanyeol looks surprised and glances at Baekhyun.
"Are you sure, hyung?" Chanyeol murmurs as he fixes the headset to Kris's temples. The cool metal makes him shiver, and Kris's muscles feel like they're about to lock into place, braced for the drop. Chanyeol's face hovers over Kris's, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Just a test Drift," Kris assures him with confidence he doesn't exactly feel. "I'll be fine. It's not like you guys can't yank us out if things go wrong."
Chanyeol doesn't look appeased, though, but he hands Kris the helmet anyway. "You're all set," he says, before looking at Baekhyun with a double thumbs-up.
"Alright." Baekhyun's voice filters in through the comms attached in the training helmets. Kris feels the touch of Relay Gel on his jaw. "This simulation is to test your Drift compatibility. The simulation will attempt to establish a neural bridge between the two of you, an essential task if you're looking to pilot a Jaeger, which... well, this is what I'm supposed to read, anyway, but you two already know that, right?" Baekhyun's laugh is a little awkward. "Anyway, you two should be fine. I'll take you guys out if things crash and burn. Ready?"
"Ready," Zitao responds resolutely.
"Ready," Kris echoes less so.
"Okay, Drifting in five-four-three-two-"
Kris rips off his helmet as soon as he's back in his own body, undoing his harnesses with shaking fingers. Chanyeol and Baekhyun are gaping at him; the screen flashes red in front of them, and Kris spares it a look as he sits upright. 94% Drift compatibility. Kris and Zitao are Drift-compatible.
"Kris-" Zitao's removed his helmet and sat upright, his eyes wide. His blond hair is sticking up in all directions, and his roots are growing in. Kris still can feel the lingering attraction that had bled over the Drift like a sucker punch in his stomach, but he can't separate his from Zitao's, and that fact scares him more than he'll admit.
The thing about the Drift is, there are no secrets. Kris had forgotten how deeply the Drift sank into your subconscious, your unconscious, and while Kris had expertly filed away his attraction to Zitao, he hadn't expected to find his face at the forefront of Zitao's mind, especially with a powerful undercurrent of want.
Kris knows why Zitao came to this Academy now.
"Hyung," Chanyeol says, still shocked. "This is the highest rating I've ever seen." Baekhyun is silent for the first time, gaze flickering between Zitao and Kris, and suddenly, Baekhyun's insistence that he Drift with Zitao makes sense; Baekhyun's been Drifting with Zitao all this time. Kris's ears burn with how much Baekhyun must know.
Kris suddenly feels inexplicably embarrassed; he's not sure if it's the fact Baekhyun knows what's going on, or that Zitao must-he must have-
The Drift is a two-way street, is the thing, and Kris is sure that there must have been something from his side, because Zitao's cheeks are flushed and his eyes are hopeful and he looks so imploring, legs swung over the chair, arm half-stretched out to Kris. "Kris, please." The word drips from Zitao's lips, and Kris jerks back at the visceral want suddenly pooling in his gut. Rationally, Kris knows that the heightened senses are a side-effect of the Drift, but they only magnify what's already there-what's already there, apparently, for both of them.
Kris doesn't bother saying anything; he just turns on his heel and walks away, heart thudding with every step.
"Kris-would you just-please-wait!" Zitao manages to grab Kris's arm with an iron grip just outside of the room, and Kris's attempt to pull away catapults both of them into the wall of the deserted hallway. Kris's back is against the wall, the side of a pipe digging into the small of Kris's back, and Zitao is standing too close, his hand still curled determinedly over Kris's elbow.
"Let go of me," Kris says, his voice a low snarl. Zitao's grip slackens, but he doesn't move away. Zitao's not the same shy boy who could've been cowed by a mean look and word from Kris anymore, and it's Kris's fault.
"You like me," Zitao says back, like that's any sort of response. His voice cracks over 'like,' and it's just another brutal reminder for Kris. "I know you do. I saw it, I felt it." Zitao moves even closer, and Kris would back up if he had anywhere to go. Zitao's eyes are dark, his mouth pursed into a frown. Kris is close enough to count each individual inky lash. "You can't lie in the Drift."
Kris swallows, his mouth suddenly dry, and Zitao's eyes flick down. "This is inappropriate, cadet," Kris says, and Zitao makes a protesting noise at the back of his throat.
"Why do you always do that?" Zitao asks. "Why do you always try to put up barriers whenever I get too close? I know. I went into this entire thing painfully knowing that already. That doesn't change anything."
"It changes everything, Zitao," Kris says incredulously. "You're so young. Your mind will change, and it should. You shouldn't feel tied down to someone that you might not even want in a few years."
"Shut up," Zitao says fiercely. "Stop talking about what you think I want. I know what I want. I've always known what I wanted, so stop worrying about me and worry about yourself for once." Kris's heart thuds harder in his chest when Zitao presses even closer to him, his breath light over Kris's lips. "What do you want?" Kris can feel the faint brush of Zitao's lips over his, and Kris lets himself have this, just once.
Zitao kisses like the teenager he is. The kiss is too eager, sloppy and wet, but Zitao is responsive to a fault. Kris can feel more than hear the tiny tremors of noise hidden at the back of Zitao's throat as they kiss, and Kris shivers as Zitao's hand slides up to cup the side of Kris's neck, his palm warm and dry and fitting perfectly there.
It's not until they break apart for air, Zitao's hot breath gusting near Kris's ear, that Kris fully shelves away the box marked Zitao. He pushes Zitao gently away, and Zitao's dazed face sharpens into confusion and a little bit of worry. His lips are still pink and slick, and Kris drags his eyes away when Zitao pulls his bottom lip between his teeth.
"I'm sorry," Kris says softly, and Zitao is too caught off-guard to do more than watch as Kris walks away.
"I'm taking my vacation days," Kris tells Yixing over a video chat between monitors. Yixing is in the Med Bay looking over the psych charts for some of the cadets, and he looks up in surprise at Kris's announcement.
He sounds pleased, though, when he says, "That's good. How many?"
"All of them," Kris says, and Yixing's eyes widen before Kris cuts the video short and tosses the monitor onto his bed. He doesn't curl into his bed, just sits at the edge of it, looking blankly at his hands.
You've had enough, Kris, Kris tells himself sternly. The box is already stowed away. After his break, which finishes after this cycle of cadets graduate, he can go back to being how he'd been-alone and better for it. Kris is good at compartmentalizing; he'll get over it.
The first few days of Kris's break, Kris tries to sleep in. He manages to stay in bed until nine in the morning the last day before his internal clock kicks in. Kris spends of the rest of the day holed in his room, asking Joonmyun to bring him food. Joonmyun is the best option, because Yixing would try to cajole him out, Chanyeol would force himself in, and Baekhyun hasn't been answering his comm calls. When Joonmyun knocks on his door, he doesn't ask, just hands Kris a tray of food with a rather fatherly expression on his face. Kris debates reminding Joonmyun that he's quite a bit older than him, but Kris has been acting like a child anyway.
After the first week, Kris is climbing the walls, too much energy now that he's gone from almost an entire day of running around and looking after cadets (and Zitao) to sitting on his bed, on the floor, fiddling with the Holo-board and thinking about not thinking about Zitao. He goes out for brief spins around the Academy, usually to Yixing's room and then back to his, but it's not enough to settle the itch under his skin.
"You know, usually people leave for their vacation days," Yixing comments mildly from where he's sat at his desk, poring over papers that are probably extremely important. Kris turns his head from where he's sprawled across Yixing's bed, the Holo-board resting on his chest. "You know. A holiday away from their place of work."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?" Kris half-heartedly jokes, and Yixing smiles.
"You are basically the last obstacle I have before I'm entirely running the place," he says, and Kris makes a mock-wounded noise. "But seriously, Kris. Whatever it is that's made you want to take a break-it could be good for you to get away." Yixing looks pointedly at the board on Kris's chest, and Kris flushes. It's not that he's been keeping track of Zitao's progress through the information passed along the Academy's database, but, well-he kind of has. It's a terrible kind of masochistic behavior, but Kris watches as, daily, Zitao's rank falls, and he, despite everything, worries.
The thing is, it's hard to get away from your troubles when you are them. There's nowhere for Kris to run to anymore, and Kris feels like an animal backed into a corner with the tiny borders of his world around him and Zitao's pleading look in front.
"I'll make some calls in the morning," Kris says instead of all this, and Yixing hums, pleased.
----
Kris stays with Lu Han and Minseok at the Shatterdome, and it's like walking through a fog the entire time he's there. He remembers the tiny barracks the pilots get, and he makes noises about finding his own room for the night-or someone to share it with-but Minseok throws his bag onto the bottom bunk, saying, "Lu Han's tiny, it won't be a problem."
They're different when they're on duty, Kris has found. There isn't less joking or jibing, but there's definitely a thick tension in the air between the two of them. Kris watches as they tense automatically every time the lights flicker, like they're expecting a Kaiju alarm to follow; the conversation peters out every time this happens, but it picks up full swing immediately after.
Kris expects to feel tired in their presence, but every time, Kris is taken off-guard by how his body responds. The Academy is busy, but the Shatterdome is busier, and Kris slips into the crowd there like he'd slip on an old shoe. It's so comfortable being back here, even if he's not really, and it's a strange mix of unsettling and calming. Kris doesn't know how to deal with it.
Kris stays for a week, training with other pilots and waking up with new bruises every day, because it's been a while. There are stares, Kris knows, whenever he walks into the Combat Room, head down to avoid attention, but they don't feel as heavy as they had before. It helps that Kris knocks out half of the active co-pilot teams that challenge him and draw with the others. Lu Han and Minseok are the ones that draw, and Lu Han knocks into his shoulder on the way out.
"You fight differently now," he says. "You're more graceful; less brute strength like you used to rely on. Did anything change?" There's a knowing lilt in Lu Han's voice, and Kris pauses, his hand stopping for half a second in his hair.
"Is that a bad thing or a good thing?" Kris asks, and Lu Han shrugs, shouldering his bag. He's tiny, his chin barely up to Kris's shoulder, and the bag he carries almost dwarfs him. This is the last place Kris would look to find someone like Lu Han.
"It just looks a little like you're missing something," Lu Han says. "You know you don't exactly block your left side, right?" He smirks a little as Kris blinks, surprised at the observation. "Don't take too long to figure things out, duizhang."
"Wait," Kris says as Lu Han steps forward. Lu Han pauses, turning around to look questioningly at Kris, and Kris blurts out, "How are things with, um. With Sehun?"
Lu Han smiles, all soft and genuine. It hits Kris like a Kaiju slamming into the hull of his Jaeger, nerve endings firing. "Good. We're-yeah, we're good," Lu Han says, a little giddy, before he remembers he's supposed to be tougher than that. He jabs a finger in Kris's direction, pursing his lips and furrowing his eyebrows. "Remember: don't take too long." And then he walks forward briskly, leaving Kris to wonder after him.
The day before he leaves, Kris goes to the Science Labs because that had always been Kyungsoo's favorite spot in the Shatterdome. Kris finds him standing in front of a full-wall Holo-board with unintelligible markings on it. From the back, Kyungsoo doesn't look different at all; he's still slight and narrow-chested, even more so since he's got terrible posture. His eyesight is even worse, Kris notes from the thickness of Kyungsoo's glasses, but his hearing is as good as ever because Kris only gets half a step into the lab before Kyungsoo says, "It's about damn time," without even turning around.
Embarrassment heats Kris's cheeks when Kyungsoo turns around with a casual eyebrow cocked, a blank-bordering-on-disdainful look on his face. "It took you a whole week to come see me," Kyungsoo says, a hint of accusation in his voice, and Kris drops his gaze to the desk, where pages are scattered all across the surface. He lands on some Jaeger blueprints, and he absentmindedly follows the curve of the pen on paper to avoid Kyungsoo's stare.
"Sorry," Kris says, "I was just-distracted."
Kyungsoo makes a disparaging noise in the back of his throat, which means, It's okay. "Well, you're distracting me now," Kyungsoo huffs, turning back around. He picks up a pen. "If you're going to be here, you might as well make yourself useful." He points at the very top of the Holo-board. "Can you write in a three up there?"
Kris doesn't mention that there's a stepstool in plain view, or that there are other formulas and mathematical equations in Kyungsoo's chicken-scratch handwriting at the same level that Kyungsoo is demanding Kris help him with. Kyungsoo's always been terrible at this sort of thing, but then, so has Kris.
He dutifully follows orders, Kyungsoo coming up with more ridiculous ones as the day passes, until Kyungsoo's satisfied and done.
"I almost missed having my own personal tower," Kyungsoo says, which is about as close to an admission of affection as Kris is going to get, and Kris grins widely, his gums showing.
"I'm surprised you haven't grown taller at all since I last saw you," Kris says. "Is it all the coffee and bitterness?"
"Ha-ha, hilarious," Kyungsoo deadpans. "It's not my fault you and Kevin were giants."
Kris tenses on instinct, a flicker of that last memory dancing across his subconscious, and Kyungsoo peers at him. "Kris," he says after a while, "it's been eight years. I've said it before, and I'll say it again-it wasn't your fault."
"If I hadn't hesitated-"
"If you hadn't hesitated, you still would have been standing there," Kyungsoo says impatiently. His face is still gentle, though. "It wasn't your fault, and you can't spend the rest of your life thinking it was, because you'll hurt yourself even more that way." Kyungsoo reaches up to pat Kris's shoulder, and Kris leans into it slightly. "You deserve better than that."
You deserve to be happy, Zitao had said, and the echo of it from Kyungsoo's mouth makes Kris's heart stop.
"I'll try," Kris says, and for the first time, he thinks he means it.
The Academy is almost empty when Kris makes his way down the hallway to the Drift Test Room; the line of cadets waiting to go through is dwindling down, and Kris can see the triumphant pairs making their way back to their rooms. Sehun and Jongin are among them, and Sehun gives Kris a tiny thumbs-up when he sees him. Kris feels a little like his face is about to peel off, but he manages a wan smile in return.
This isn't a triumphant return; this isn't a winner's parade or a victory lap. This is Kris clicking into place, finally figuring out where he belongs in the world he'd left shattered.
Zitao's sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, and Kris knows Zitao sees him before Kris sees Zitao, but the cadet is remarkably expressionless, watching Kris walk toward him, hands in his pockets.
It's not until Kris is standing right above him, only a little bit away from Zitao's outstretched feet, that Zitao breaks out into a lopsided incredulous grin.
"You're almost late," he says, a little bit of a whine in his voice, and Kris closes his eyes and lets himself have this.
"Sorry," Kris says, "I got held up."
"So you finally got your head out of your ass," Baekhyun greets when Kris and Zitao walk in together, close enough that the back of Kris's hand brushes Zitao's slightly. Chanyeol snorts, but Zitao shoots Kris a brilliant, soppy grin when they both settle into their chairs.
"You know the drill," Baekhyun says when Chanyeol's got them all fitted, a tiny hwaiting whispered at Kris when Chanyeol had handed him the helmet. "Ready?"
Kris closes his eyes, and he can feel the warmth of Zitao's consciousness flickering at the edge of his.
"Ready," he says, and means it.
PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4
Prompt: #135 - Pacific Rim AU
Pairing(s): Kris/Tao, background Lay/Xiumin, Chen/Suho, and Lu Han/Sehun
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: don't know them, don't own them, etc. etc.
Warning(s): age gap (upwards of sixteen years), age play for other members of exo, minor character death, ambiguous drug dependence, little to no knowledge of korean military ranks, criminal lack of jongin, ???
Word Count: ~20,000
Summary: "Kris pilots his first Jaeger when he is barely 18, becoming the youngest pilot in the worldwide Jaeger program. 16 years later, Tao wants that title and the glory that comes with it."
Author's Notes: shoutout to e for not even being in this fandom but holding my hand through this fic anyway, and also to my roommate who will never read this but who sat through about five different verbal versions of it ♥ also thank you to the mods for being so lovely throughout this entire process!
Lu Han ignores Kris. Kris was expecting that; he braces himself for Lu Han's cold shoulder and Minseok's questioning looks. Kris wants to ask if Lu Han is secretly five years old, because he's acting like it, but then he'd probably have to come to terms with the fact he's ignoring Sehun altogether. It's not difficult, since now the cadets are working mostly in their pilot pairs and Kris doesn't have to hold their hands anymore through the training drill, but it still feels like a giant elephant in the room.
There's another reason Kris avoids Sehun; part of it is definitely the awkwardness lingering after he'd caught them, but another is that Sehun is Zitao's self-proclaimed best friend, and usually where Sehun and Jongin are, Zitao's not far behind. Kris still feels the phantom heat crawling up the back of his neck whenever he spots Zitao looking at him. It's almost the same kind of look Zitao had given him before this entire thing, when he'd first challenged Kris; it's still intense and determined, but there's a little bit of hurt flashing there. Kris can tell by the way Zitao's mouth purses just slightly after Kris catches him looking, then looks away.
"Duizhang," Zitao tries to say one day after training, his voice high and reedy and pleading. "Are you mad at me?" It's childish, and Zitao's face pinks when Kris looks at him, but he determinedly continues, "I've already said I'm sorry. What else do you want me to do? Beg?" Zitao scoffs out the last word, but then a little worry crosses his face, like he actually thinks Kris is going to make him beg. The problem is, Kris does sort of want to do that, just in an entirely different situation.
"You should head down to J-Tech for your instruction," Kris says blandly, nodding at the door, and Zitao's face falls before he schools his expression into a carefully blank one. The bow Zitao gives is formal and stiff, and Kris looks away before he can watch Zitao leave.
"Enough is enough," Baekhyun says at lunch, slamming his tray down onto the table in front of Kris. Kris jumps and glares balefully up at Baekhyun, who looks irritated when he takes a seat. "Whatever you did to Zitao, can you just apologize? Or let him properly apologize?"
Kris swallows; his mouth is suddenly dry. "How do you know about that?" Kris asks, careful to keep his face calm and disinterested. Baekhyun's scoff tells him he's not very successful.
"Zitao's an open book," Baekhyun scoffs. "You don't have to be an expert to know that, unless apparently, your name is Kris Wu."
Kris scowls at him. "Don't speak with your mouth full."
"Stop being a dick to Zitao," Baekhyun replies. "The kid adores you, God knows why, and it's interfering with his training." He jabs his finger in Kris's direction, looking too fierce for someone that barely reaches Kris's chin.
"How?"
Baekhyun grimaces. "He's so distracted during tests. Can't keep anything to himself, that kid." He prods Kris's foot with his own. "At least think about it, alright? He really looks up to you."
"Yeah," Kris murmurs. That's the problem. Baekhyun seems to take it as an agreement, though, and he looks a little pleased as he wolfs down the rest of his meal.
Even with Baekhyun breathing down his neck and making vaguely-threatening gestures whenever they pass each other in the halls, Kris puts off confronting Zitao until a few days before Lu Han and Minseok are set to leave. He finds himself at the Combat Room in the middle of the night again, and the feeling of deja vu simmers in his veins as Kris pushes the door open. This time, he's expecting the person standing on the other side.
Zitao stops what he's doing abruptly and bows, nearly folding in half. "Duizhang," Zitao mutters as he straightens, keeping his chin tucked close to his chest. "I know, I'm not supposed to be here. I'll leave now-"
"I'm sorry," Kris blurts out, and Zitao lifts his head, blinking. "That is-I'm not mad that you called me Kris." Kris's heart does a traitorous thump. "You can, if you want."
Zitao still looks confused and a little wary. "Then, why did you run out?" he asks, cocking his head. "Was it because I beat you?" Even now, there's a little bit of pride in Zitao's voice, and Kris is torn between rolling his eyes and smiling helplessly.
"If you can call that a win," Kris says dryly, and the edge of Zitao's lip curls upward. Kris steps forward, slowly, and Zitao tracks him with his eyes as Kris moves to grab a staff from the weapons' rack. "Can you do it again?"
It's not an apology; Kris doesn't know if he can apologize, because that would mean explaining things that Kris doesn't want to, so he doesn't, and Zitao seems to know this. Zitao pauses for half a second, and for that half a second, Kris thinks that he's fucked this up entirely, that there's no going back to how they were before.
And then Zitao grins. "Of course I can," he scoffs. "Who do you think I am?"
Falling back into their pattern is easy; Kris beats Zitao by the skin of his teeth, and Zitao pouts about it, demanding Kris help him up from where he's sprawled out on the mats. Zitao's hand is warm and dry, and Kris lets himself have this before he pulls away, pretending to need a water.
Zitao collapses on the bench near the edge of the mats, eyes closed and head tipped back to open up his chest. He's sweating and puffing, but not too badly; their bodies are used to this by now, after all. Kris looks at the long column of Zitao's throat, the elegant, sharp lines of his profile and jaw, and he thinks he's getting himself into even more trouble. Kris never pegged himself as a masochist, but here he is.
Kris throws the extra towel he'd brought so that it falls over Zitao's face. It's worth it when Zitao straightens abruptly with a startled yelp, and Kris snorts as he falls onto the bench next to Zitao. Zitao glares at him, but softens immediately when Kris offers him the water bottle.
"I hope you're happy," Kris says long-sufferingly. "That was my only one."
"I forgot mine," Zitao says carelessly, taking a long swig of it and taking care to sigh happily after it, like he's rubbing it in. Kris rolls his eyes.
"You always forget yours," he complains half-heartedly, and Zitao offers the bottle toward him, a perfectly angelic smile on his face. Kris makes a face.
"I gave it to you, didn't I?" Kris says, pushing it back to Zitao. "I don't want your germs anyway."
Zitao snorts, and they lapse into a comfortable silence. Their shoulders brush just the slightest bit, and Kris feels all at once content. If he could spend the rest of his life like this, he would. In the quiet of the Combat Room after hours, that thought doesn't frighten him as much as he thought.
"About Sehun and Lu Han-ge," Zitao says apropos of nothing, and Kris tenses just a little.
"How do you know about that?" Kris asks.
"Sehun's been whining and crying about it for the last few days," Zitao says. "It's incredibly annoying. He thinks you hate him, and that you'll never give him high marks again."
"I don't hate him," Kris says automatically, then he looks down at his hands. "I think it's just inappropriate. Lu Han's an older pilot, and Sehun's so young." Zitao's so young. "Don't you think they're better suited for people their age, who are at the same places in their lives?"
Zitao hums thoughtfully, looking at the far end of the room. "Sehun's always talking about Lu Han-ge," he says slowly. "And even when he's not, you can tell when he's thinking about him because he gets this stupid look on his face, like he's constipated or something." Kris can't help but bark out a laugh at that; Sehun's usually stone-faced around him. He can't even begin to imagine that.
"But he's happy," Zitao says. "You can tell that, at least." He glances at Kris out of the corner of his eye and half-smiles, and Kris feels like he's floating, warmth emanating from his very core. "I think whenever you think about something like that-relationships, or whatever-you should think about whether or not it makes you happy. You deserve to be happy."
"Wow," Kris manages. "Wise words coming from a sixteen year old."
Zitao scowls. "I'll be seventeen soon," he says mutinously.
"Not soon enough, kid," Kris says, then ruffles Zitao's hair to his loud protests.
Kris sleeps fitfully the night before Lu Han and Minseok are set to leave, tossing and turning in his bed, and when he wakes up for Lu Han and Minseok's send-off, he feels like he's barely slept at all. He takes three pills dry and trudges his way to the entrance to the Academy where he will send Olympus Vega off, wishing wistfully and not a little bitterly for coffee.
To his surprise, Kris finds Sehun lurking in the shadows uncertainly, and Kris's authoritative "Sehun, what are you doing here?" makes him jump.
"Daejang," Sehun says, eyes wide like he hadn't been peeking out of the only corner leading to the entrance. He bows quickly and straightens, hands immediately falling flat against his thighs. "I wasn't-I just-I mean, I was hoping-"
Kris isn't really angry anymore; he's just resigned and a little bit stung at Lu Han's comments, and the nervousness practically emanating from Sehun is enough to soften Kris toward him. He's really a sap.
"Are you here to see Lu Han?" Kris interrupts, and Sehun's cheeks go bright pink as he looks down, his mouth set in an embarrassed line. "I asked you a question."
"Yes," Sehun tells the ground shyly before he peeks up at Kris. It's an action that's all too familiar, and Kris suddenly sees someone else in Sehun's place, someone a bit taller, with more piercings, and a whiny "duizhang" on his lips.
"Yes, what?" Kris prompts. "Clarify."
"Yes, daejang. I'm here to see Lu Han-hyung," Sehun says, each word dragged out of him like a stubborn mule, and Kris feels a little sorry for him. The flush has spread to his ears now, but even though Sehun isn't looking at him, he's still determinedly stood there, rigid and unmoving.
"Lu Han and Minseok will be here soon," Kris says finally, and Sehun looks up. "Once they're in the chopper, I want you back down with Joonmyun-junjang, do you understand?"
Sehun's smile is huge, eyes crinkling up at the edges, before it sharpens at the edges. "You know," Sehun says, "you look really scary at first, but you're actually soft on the inside. Like a grumpy stuffed animal."
Kris scowls. "Don't make me regret letting you stay," he warns. Sehun appropriately closes his mouth, but he can't seem to stand still, hands jittery at his sides.
Yixing slides in a few minutes after, looking sleepy and rumpled in an oversized sweater that's definitely not in line with protocol and definitely not his own. Kris doesn't comment, not when Minseok and Lu Han are walking together toward them, fitted in their Drivesuits and armor already. Kris aches a little when Lu Han meets his eyes and something in his face shutters close, but then Kris tilts his head slightly to the right, where Sehun's standing, reduced to stone by his nervousness.
"Sehun," Lu Han says, surprised, fumbling with the helmet underneath his arm. "You're here?"
"Daejang let me stay," Sehun says, his voice a little bit lower. "I wanted to see you off, since..." Sehun steps even closer, and Lu Han's eyes flick to Kris, but Kris just looks impassively back for a few moments and then looks at Yixing and Minseok, their heads bent together. He can hear the soft whoosh of air that Lu Han exhales, and Kris knows that he's been forgiven.
They say their good-byes in a surprisingly somber, subdued manner, and right before they leave, Kris claps both Minseok and Lu Han on the shoulder. "I'd better see you in a year," Kris shouts over the sound of the chopper blades.
"Trust us," Lu Han shouts back, glancing over his shoulder to look at Yixing and Sehun standing together, watching them. "You will. We've got things to come back for."
"Don't miss us too much, Kris," Minseok shouts in farewell, patting Kris's arm, even though Minseok is both younger and shorter than him. It helps that he's sitting in a chopper a few feet above Kris, his short hair flattening hilariously from the wind generated by the blades. "We'll keep you updated. And don't worry-we'll give them hell for you."
"Good," Kris says, his voice getting lost in the noise. His throat suddenly feels very tight. "I wouldn't expect anything less." He steps away and lets the chopper carry Minseok and Lu Han away.
It's not any easier a few days later when Jongdae and Liyin leave. Joonmyun doesn't cry when Jongdae boards the chopper, choosing instead to wave at his boyfriend as they disappear into the sky, on their way to the Shatterdome. He does, however, cry later, when they're walking back to the mess hall, and Kris lets Joonmyun cry in peace, without comment.
The Academy is a bit lonelier without the four pilots. Kris finds himself opening his mouth to tell something to Jongdae only to find him gone. He expects Liyin's face to pop out of the Med Bay doors whenever he's down there, a grin on her face and a story for him about how all of them are amazingly terrible at keeping themselves out of trouble. He expects Minseok to keep Yixing awake during breakfast and for Lu Han to be across from him with a pitcher of orange juice.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol fill the gap somewhat, their antics getting bigger and bigger to accommodate the space they have to fill, but it's still not quite the same. Yixing is still as ditzy as ever, but a little more withdrawn; Joonmyun buries himself in paperwork, as is his two-week ritual is after Jongdae leaves, before Baekhyun threatens bodily harm and gets Joonmyun out of his office. Even Baekhyun and Chanyeol-the infamous pair-are busy, since the cycle is coming to a close, and the Pons Testing portion of training is getting heavier and more difficult to pass. The rankings for the cadets have been holding relatively steady lately, but with each test Drift, Kris finds Zitao's ranking dropping lower and lower. At this rate, despite Zitao's combat skill, he won't make the cut.
Kris asks Baekhyun about it one day, and Baekhyun sighs. "He still doesn't have a co-pilot."
"What?" This surprises Kris a little. "What about Sehun?"
"He's with Jongin," Baekhyun says. "They have about a 90% Drift compatibility; Zitao didn't want to mess with that."
"Then what about someone else?" Kris asks. "Surely there's someone-"
Baekhyun hums, pursing his lips. "Zitao's very... picky. I've been Drifting with him, just so he doesn't fall behind but-" Baekhyun looks at Kris again. "He's on the verge, you know. You'd better talk to him. For some reason, that brat doesn't listen to anyone but you."
Kris doesn't feel smug about it, but, you know, he really does.
He drops by for one of Zitao's Drift sessions, and Zitao's in the middle of getting strapped into the machine when he spots Kris. Kris can't help the warm smile in response to Zitao's expression when he spots him in the tiny window: a mix of delight and surprise. He sits upright from his chair, ignoring as Chanyeol squawks and says something that's probably an admonishment. Zitao points at Kris while looking at Baekhyun. He's too far away for Kris to hear him clearly, but Baekhyun nods and then looks up at Kris. He gestures with a hand.
"Come down," Baekhyun mouths, and Kris nods, clunking down the stairs and slipping in.
The sound of the machinery is immediately soothing; it feels like Kris has slipped into a memory instead of the Conn-Pod control room, but rather than filled with the faint sound of Kaiju roars and a zing of uncertainty, the memory is filled with the excitement Kris had felt the first time he'd Drifted properly. He imagines that's how Zitao must feel now.
"Kris, you came!" Zitao says before he catches himself in his excitement. He pouts instead. "How come it took you so long?"
"I'll come back another time, then," Kris says, half-making to walk out the door again before Zitao's hastily correcting himself and beckoning him closer.
"It's amazing, Kris," Zitao is babbling, beside himself with excitement. Kris watches fondly as Zitao tells Kris all about the inner workings of Jaeger tech-even though they both know Kris already knows perfectly well. All the better, too, because then Kris can concentrate on how Zitao gesticulates wildly, his face sliding through multiple different expressions easily as Chanyeol darts around them, trying to get a wriggling Zitao connected back to the machine.
"Hyung," Chanyeol says crossly to Kris when Zitao pulls out another cord when he's trying to demonstrate how exactly the Relay Gel is inserted into the helmet, "couldn't you have come after he finished his run?"
"It's fine, it's fine," Baekhyun says, preoccupied with something on the screen. "Actually, it's probably better this way." Baekhyun looks up with a tiny smug smirk that has Kris automatically taking one step back. "Kris-hyung, can you Drift with Zitao? I need to be on the monitor for this, and Chanyeol's not me."
"Thank God for that," Kris says dryly before the request sinks in and a little bit of panic edges in. "What about before? When you Drifted with Zitao for practice earlier."
"It's not the same," Baekhyun insists as Chanyeol finally resorts to physically pinning Zitao's arms down to keep him from wriggling. "You know that things are coming down to the wire, and I haven't got the same record with Drifting as you. C'mon, hyung, just this once."
"Yeah, c'mon hyung," Zitao says from his chair before Chanyeol shoves the helmet over his head. Kris's skin itches a little at the honorific, and he searches for a way out of this-it would be inappropriate, he hasn't Drifted in eight years, there's no guarantee he won't chase the rabbit-but Baekhyun looks at him expectantly. Kris is so weak.
"Okay," Kris says weakly, slipping into the chair. Chanyeol looks surprised and glances at Baekhyun.
"Are you sure, hyung?" Chanyeol murmurs as he fixes the headset to Kris's temples. The cool metal makes him shiver, and Kris's muscles feel like they're about to lock into place, braced for the drop. Chanyeol's face hovers over Kris's, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Just a test Drift," Kris assures him with confidence he doesn't exactly feel. "I'll be fine. It's not like you guys can't yank us out if things go wrong."
Chanyeol doesn't look appeased, though, but he hands Kris the helmet anyway. "You're all set," he says, before looking at Baekhyun with a double thumbs-up.
"Alright." Baekhyun's voice filters in through the comms attached in the training helmets. Kris feels the touch of Relay Gel on his jaw. "This simulation is to test your Drift compatibility. The simulation will attempt to establish a neural bridge between the two of you, an essential task if you're looking to pilot a Jaeger, which... well, this is what I'm supposed to read, anyway, but you two already know that, right?" Baekhyun's laugh is a little awkward. "Anyway, you two should be fine. I'll take you guys out if things crash and burn. Ready?"
"Ready," Zitao responds resolutely.
"Ready," Kris echoes less so.
"Okay, Drifting in five-four-three-two-"
Kris rips off his helmet as soon as he's back in his own body, undoing his harnesses with shaking fingers. Chanyeol and Baekhyun are gaping at him; the screen flashes red in front of them, and Kris spares it a look as he sits upright. 94% Drift compatibility. Kris and Zitao are Drift-compatible.
"Kris-" Zitao's removed his helmet and sat upright, his eyes wide. His blond hair is sticking up in all directions, and his roots are growing in. Kris still can feel the lingering attraction that had bled over the Drift like a sucker punch in his stomach, but he can't separate his from Zitao's, and that fact scares him more than he'll admit.
The thing about the Drift is, there are no secrets. Kris had forgotten how deeply the Drift sank into your subconscious, your unconscious, and while Kris had expertly filed away his attraction to Zitao, he hadn't expected to find his face at the forefront of Zitao's mind, especially with a powerful undercurrent of want.
Kris knows why Zitao came to this Academy now.
"Hyung," Chanyeol says, still shocked. "This is the highest rating I've ever seen." Baekhyun is silent for the first time, gaze flickering between Zitao and Kris, and suddenly, Baekhyun's insistence that he Drift with Zitao makes sense; Baekhyun's been Drifting with Zitao all this time. Kris's ears burn with how much Baekhyun must know.
Kris suddenly feels inexplicably embarrassed; he's not sure if it's the fact Baekhyun knows what's going on, or that Zitao must-he must have-
The Drift is a two-way street, is the thing, and Kris is sure that there must have been something from his side, because Zitao's cheeks are flushed and his eyes are hopeful and he looks so imploring, legs swung over the chair, arm half-stretched out to Kris. "Kris, please." The word drips from Zitao's lips, and Kris jerks back at the visceral want suddenly pooling in his gut. Rationally, Kris knows that the heightened senses are a side-effect of the Drift, but they only magnify what's already there-what's already there, apparently, for both of them.
Kris doesn't bother saying anything; he just turns on his heel and walks away, heart thudding with every step.
"Kris-would you just-please-wait!" Zitao manages to grab Kris's arm with an iron grip just outside of the room, and Kris's attempt to pull away catapults both of them into the wall of the deserted hallway. Kris's back is against the wall, the side of a pipe digging into the small of Kris's back, and Zitao is standing too close, his hand still curled determinedly over Kris's elbow.
"Let go of me," Kris says, his voice a low snarl. Zitao's grip slackens, but he doesn't move away. Zitao's not the same shy boy who could've been cowed by a mean look and word from Kris anymore, and it's Kris's fault.
"You like me," Zitao says back, like that's any sort of response. His voice cracks over 'like,' and it's just another brutal reminder for Kris. "I know you do. I saw it, I felt it." Zitao moves even closer, and Kris would back up if he had anywhere to go. Zitao's eyes are dark, his mouth pursed into a frown. Kris is close enough to count each individual inky lash. "You can't lie in the Drift."
Kris swallows, his mouth suddenly dry, and Zitao's eyes flick down. "This is inappropriate, cadet," Kris says, and Zitao makes a protesting noise at the back of his throat.
"Why do you always do that?" Zitao asks. "Why do you always try to put up barriers whenever I get too close? I know. I went into this entire thing painfully knowing that already. That doesn't change anything."
"It changes everything, Zitao," Kris says incredulously. "You're so young. Your mind will change, and it should. You shouldn't feel tied down to someone that you might not even want in a few years."
"Shut up," Zitao says fiercely. "Stop talking about what you think I want. I know what I want. I've always known what I wanted, so stop worrying about me and worry about yourself for once." Kris's heart thuds harder in his chest when Zitao presses even closer to him, his breath light over Kris's lips. "What do you want?" Kris can feel the faint brush of Zitao's lips over his, and Kris lets himself have this, just once.
Zitao kisses like the teenager he is. The kiss is too eager, sloppy and wet, but Zitao is responsive to a fault. Kris can feel more than hear the tiny tremors of noise hidden at the back of Zitao's throat as they kiss, and Kris shivers as Zitao's hand slides up to cup the side of Kris's neck, his palm warm and dry and fitting perfectly there.
It's not until they break apart for air, Zitao's hot breath gusting near Kris's ear, that Kris fully shelves away the box marked Zitao. He pushes Zitao gently away, and Zitao's dazed face sharpens into confusion and a little bit of worry. His lips are still pink and slick, and Kris drags his eyes away when Zitao pulls his bottom lip between his teeth.
"I'm sorry," Kris says softly, and Zitao is too caught off-guard to do more than watch as Kris walks away.
"I'm taking my vacation days," Kris tells Yixing over a video chat between monitors. Yixing is in the Med Bay looking over the psych charts for some of the cadets, and he looks up in surprise at Kris's announcement.
He sounds pleased, though, when he says, "That's good. How many?"
"All of them," Kris says, and Yixing's eyes widen before Kris cuts the video short and tosses the monitor onto his bed. He doesn't curl into his bed, just sits at the edge of it, looking blankly at his hands.
You've had enough, Kris, Kris tells himself sternly. The box is already stowed away. After his break, which finishes after this cycle of cadets graduate, he can go back to being how he'd been-alone and better for it. Kris is good at compartmentalizing; he'll get over it.
The first few days of Kris's break, Kris tries to sleep in. He manages to stay in bed until nine in the morning the last day before his internal clock kicks in. Kris spends of the rest of the day holed in his room, asking Joonmyun to bring him food. Joonmyun is the best option, because Yixing would try to cajole him out, Chanyeol would force himself in, and Baekhyun hasn't been answering his comm calls. When Joonmyun knocks on his door, he doesn't ask, just hands Kris a tray of food with a rather fatherly expression on his face. Kris debates reminding Joonmyun that he's quite a bit older than him, but Kris has been acting like a child anyway.
After the first week, Kris is climbing the walls, too much energy now that he's gone from almost an entire day of running around and looking after cadets (and Zitao) to sitting on his bed, on the floor, fiddling with the Holo-board and thinking about not thinking about Zitao. He goes out for brief spins around the Academy, usually to Yixing's room and then back to his, but it's not enough to settle the itch under his skin.
"You know, usually people leave for their vacation days," Yixing comments mildly from where he's sat at his desk, poring over papers that are probably extremely important. Kris turns his head from where he's sprawled across Yixing's bed, the Holo-board resting on his chest. "You know. A holiday away from their place of work."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?" Kris half-heartedly jokes, and Yixing smiles.
"You are basically the last obstacle I have before I'm entirely running the place," he says, and Kris makes a mock-wounded noise. "But seriously, Kris. Whatever it is that's made you want to take a break-it could be good for you to get away." Yixing looks pointedly at the board on Kris's chest, and Kris flushes. It's not that he's been keeping track of Zitao's progress through the information passed along the Academy's database, but, well-he kind of has. It's a terrible kind of masochistic behavior, but Kris watches as, daily, Zitao's rank falls, and he, despite everything, worries.
The thing is, it's hard to get away from your troubles when you are them. There's nowhere for Kris to run to anymore, and Kris feels like an animal backed into a corner with the tiny borders of his world around him and Zitao's pleading look in front.
"I'll make some calls in the morning," Kris says instead of all this, and Yixing hums, pleased.
----
Kris stays with Lu Han and Minseok at the Shatterdome, and it's like walking through a fog the entire time he's there. He remembers the tiny barracks the pilots get, and he makes noises about finding his own room for the night-or someone to share it with-but Minseok throws his bag onto the bottom bunk, saying, "Lu Han's tiny, it won't be a problem."
They're different when they're on duty, Kris has found. There isn't less joking or jibing, but there's definitely a thick tension in the air between the two of them. Kris watches as they tense automatically every time the lights flicker, like they're expecting a Kaiju alarm to follow; the conversation peters out every time this happens, but it picks up full swing immediately after.
Kris expects to feel tired in their presence, but every time, Kris is taken off-guard by how his body responds. The Academy is busy, but the Shatterdome is busier, and Kris slips into the crowd there like he'd slip on an old shoe. It's so comfortable being back here, even if he's not really, and it's a strange mix of unsettling and calming. Kris doesn't know how to deal with it.
Kris stays for a week, training with other pilots and waking up with new bruises every day, because it's been a while. There are stares, Kris knows, whenever he walks into the Combat Room, head down to avoid attention, but they don't feel as heavy as they had before. It helps that Kris knocks out half of the active co-pilot teams that challenge him and draw with the others. Lu Han and Minseok are the ones that draw, and Lu Han knocks into his shoulder on the way out.
"You fight differently now," he says. "You're more graceful; less brute strength like you used to rely on. Did anything change?" There's a knowing lilt in Lu Han's voice, and Kris pauses, his hand stopping for half a second in his hair.
"Is that a bad thing or a good thing?" Kris asks, and Lu Han shrugs, shouldering his bag. He's tiny, his chin barely up to Kris's shoulder, and the bag he carries almost dwarfs him. This is the last place Kris would look to find someone like Lu Han.
"It just looks a little like you're missing something," Lu Han says. "You know you don't exactly block your left side, right?" He smirks a little as Kris blinks, surprised at the observation. "Don't take too long to figure things out, duizhang."
"Wait," Kris says as Lu Han steps forward. Lu Han pauses, turning around to look questioningly at Kris, and Kris blurts out, "How are things with, um. With Sehun?"
Lu Han smiles, all soft and genuine. It hits Kris like a Kaiju slamming into the hull of his Jaeger, nerve endings firing. "Good. We're-yeah, we're good," Lu Han says, a little giddy, before he remembers he's supposed to be tougher than that. He jabs a finger in Kris's direction, pursing his lips and furrowing his eyebrows. "Remember: don't take too long." And then he walks forward briskly, leaving Kris to wonder after him.
The day before he leaves, Kris goes to the Science Labs because that had always been Kyungsoo's favorite spot in the Shatterdome. Kris finds him standing in front of a full-wall Holo-board with unintelligible markings on it. From the back, Kyungsoo doesn't look different at all; he's still slight and narrow-chested, even more so since he's got terrible posture. His eyesight is even worse, Kris notes from the thickness of Kyungsoo's glasses, but his hearing is as good as ever because Kris only gets half a step into the lab before Kyungsoo says, "It's about damn time," without even turning around.
Embarrassment heats Kris's cheeks when Kyungsoo turns around with a casual eyebrow cocked, a blank-bordering-on-disdainful look on his face. "It took you a whole week to come see me," Kyungsoo says, a hint of accusation in his voice, and Kris drops his gaze to the desk, where pages are scattered all across the surface. He lands on some Jaeger blueprints, and he absentmindedly follows the curve of the pen on paper to avoid Kyungsoo's stare.
"Sorry," Kris says, "I was just-distracted."
Kyungsoo makes a disparaging noise in the back of his throat, which means, It's okay. "Well, you're distracting me now," Kyungsoo huffs, turning back around. He picks up a pen. "If you're going to be here, you might as well make yourself useful." He points at the very top of the Holo-board. "Can you write in a three up there?"
Kris doesn't mention that there's a stepstool in plain view, or that there are other formulas and mathematical equations in Kyungsoo's chicken-scratch handwriting at the same level that Kyungsoo is demanding Kris help him with. Kyungsoo's always been terrible at this sort of thing, but then, so has Kris.
He dutifully follows orders, Kyungsoo coming up with more ridiculous ones as the day passes, until Kyungsoo's satisfied and done.
"I almost missed having my own personal tower," Kyungsoo says, which is about as close to an admission of affection as Kris is going to get, and Kris grins widely, his gums showing.
"I'm surprised you haven't grown taller at all since I last saw you," Kris says. "Is it all the coffee and bitterness?"
"Ha-ha, hilarious," Kyungsoo deadpans. "It's not my fault you and Kevin were giants."
Kris tenses on instinct, a flicker of that last memory dancing across his subconscious, and Kyungsoo peers at him. "Kris," he says after a while, "it's been eight years. I've said it before, and I'll say it again-it wasn't your fault."
"If I hadn't hesitated-"
"If you hadn't hesitated, you still would have been standing there," Kyungsoo says impatiently. His face is still gentle, though. "It wasn't your fault, and you can't spend the rest of your life thinking it was, because you'll hurt yourself even more that way." Kyungsoo reaches up to pat Kris's shoulder, and Kris leans into it slightly. "You deserve better than that."
You deserve to be happy, Zitao had said, and the echo of it from Kyungsoo's mouth makes Kris's heart stop.
"I'll try," Kris says, and for the first time, he thinks he means it.
The Academy is almost empty when Kris makes his way down the hallway to the Drift Test Room; the line of cadets waiting to go through is dwindling down, and Kris can see the triumphant pairs making their way back to their rooms. Sehun and Jongin are among them, and Sehun gives Kris a tiny thumbs-up when he sees him. Kris feels a little like his face is about to peel off, but he manages a wan smile in return.
This isn't a triumphant return; this isn't a winner's parade or a victory lap. This is Kris clicking into place, finally figuring out where he belongs in the world he'd left shattered.
Zitao's sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, and Kris knows Zitao sees him before Kris sees Zitao, but the cadet is remarkably expressionless, watching Kris walk toward him, hands in his pockets.
It's not until Kris is standing right above him, only a little bit away from Zitao's outstretched feet, that Zitao breaks out into a lopsided incredulous grin.
"You're almost late," he says, a little bit of a whine in his voice, and Kris closes his eyes and lets himself have this.
"Sorry," Kris says, "I got held up."
"So you finally got your head out of your ass," Baekhyun greets when Kris and Zitao walk in together, close enough that the back of Kris's hand brushes Zitao's slightly. Chanyeol snorts, but Zitao shoots Kris a brilliant, soppy grin when they both settle into their chairs.
"You know the drill," Baekhyun says when Chanyeol's got them all fitted, a tiny hwaiting whispered at Kris when Chanyeol had handed him the helmet. "Ready?"
Kris closes his eyes, and he can feel the warmth of Zitao's consciousness flickering at the edge of his.
"Ready," he says, and means it.
PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4