I'm sorry for what happened to you
It's been over a year since it all happened. To me it feels longer than that. I vaguely remember the conversation, the words that came from the other end of the phone, did I even see him after? To him it must feel different. He lives with it every day, every night, every time he drinks, when he meets a girl...
I guess I just lied in my own journal. I think about it, all the time. Is he okay, did he seek help, can he sleep at night, does he have enough support, is he with someone else, does that person understand him? I struggle with not thinking about him but then struggle to get him out of my mind. I sometimes wonder how a simple e-mail or IM of "Hello" or "Are you okay" could hurt, but I don't have the guts to do it. Because, what if it does hurt? Not just him, but me. We all know how the past would unfold when we would start to talk again and I can't risk that. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want, in any way, to jeopardize my life now.
So here I sit in silence, finally admitting (to now one, to this computer, at least to something?) that what happened to him has touched me more then I thought possible. How? I was only there that night that he told me. I wasn't there for counseling, for his rebound relationship, for the the pain he must have suffered when he told his family, his lonely nights in Italy (although I did get the phone calls)....I wasn't even there for him the night it happened, a week after, or a month after. So, why am I still wondering?
I am solid in knowing our relationship would never have worked out. Maybe we would have gotten engaged in Italy and then married, but before everything happened I knew deep down inside we wouldn't last. Divorce was only a matter of time. I am not the one he is supposed to be with. We loved each other more then we thought we could, we still to this day have a connection, but his wife is still out there. I am lucky to have found Jason so soon in my life and I thank God for every day that I get to be with him. But then why, if I know all of this, do I still want to talk to him?
I miss his friendship and everything that went with that; his hugs and the bond that we share or, rather, shared. Somehow I feel I will always have a hole in my heart for him, an empty feeling. We were wrong for each other as partners but not as friends. As friends we supported and understood each other to no end. It is a friendship that no one could replace, not Michelle or Jason and I wouldn't want them to.
I hope he's moved on. I can picture his smile, I pray he doesn't show everyone his fake one. Last I talked to him he was still in Italy and was just soo upset. He said that he would pretend to be happy for people to see. What happened to him will always be with him but he will learn to live with it. I couldn't be his friend and be there to support him, but I hope that he has someone who is and can be.
I know I will never get these answers (right?) but, at least I can write how I feel. Here I can support him and care for him from a distance plus I can respect the relationship we had together....
p.s~ Why is losing a friend so hard? Will I always feel this way?
I guess I just lied in my own journal. I think about it, all the time. Is he okay, did he seek help, can he sleep at night, does he have enough support, is he with someone else, does that person understand him? I struggle with not thinking about him but then struggle to get him out of my mind. I sometimes wonder how a simple e-mail or IM of "Hello" or "Are you okay" could hurt, but I don't have the guts to do it. Because, what if it does hurt? Not just him, but me. We all know how the past would unfold when we would start to talk again and I can't risk that. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want, in any way, to jeopardize my life now.
So here I sit in silence, finally admitting (to now one, to this computer, at least to something?) that what happened to him has touched me more then I thought possible. How? I was only there that night that he told me. I wasn't there for counseling, for his rebound relationship, for the the pain he must have suffered when he told his family, his lonely nights in Italy (although I did get the phone calls)....I wasn't even there for him the night it happened, a week after, or a month after. So, why am I still wondering?
I am solid in knowing our relationship would never have worked out. Maybe we would have gotten engaged in Italy and then married, but before everything happened I knew deep down inside we wouldn't last. Divorce was only a matter of time. I am not the one he is supposed to be with. We loved each other more then we thought we could, we still to this day have a connection, but his wife is still out there. I am lucky to have found Jason so soon in my life and I thank God for every day that I get to be with him. But then why, if I know all of this, do I still want to talk to him?
I miss his friendship and everything that went with that; his hugs and the bond that we share or, rather, shared. Somehow I feel I will always have a hole in my heart for him, an empty feeling. We were wrong for each other as partners but not as friends. As friends we supported and understood each other to no end. It is a friendship that no one could replace, not Michelle or Jason and I wouldn't want them to.
I hope he's moved on. I can picture his smile, I pray he doesn't show everyone his fake one. Last I talked to him he was still in Italy and was just soo upset. He said that he would pretend to be happy for people to see. What happened to him will always be with him but he will learn to live with it. I couldn't be his friend and be there to support him, but I hope that he has someone who is and can be.
I know I will never get these answers (right?) but, at least I can write how I feel. Here I can support him and care for him from a distance plus I can respect the relationship we had together....
p.s~ Why is losing a friend so hard? Will I always feel this way?