(no subject)
Just about a month ago my grandfather passed away. It was incredibly sudden, and I miss him terribly. There are moments from that evening I reflect on a lot. He used to sit in the driveway outside every day when it wasn’t raining, or sometimes even just in the open garage when he was. In fact he was such a permanent fixture he’s even on google maps street view.
So whenever I come home from work and I see his car tucked away, his chair in storage in the garage and no grandpa it really hits me. Even writing this is hitting me. There were things he didn’t get to see me or my sister do, and not being a particularly emotional family I definitely didn’t tell him that I loved him enough so I really hope he knows.
The passing of Robin Williams has really fucked me up emotionally too. Losing someone so iconic and full of life to suicide is of course shocking, but like my grandfather to me I think that Robin Williams is one of those celebrities that seemed permanent. I’m unreasonably upset about his death not only because of the joy he had given so many people over the years or the circumstances in which it happened, but because seeing everyone mourn Robin Williams so soon after my own loss awakens that in me. I want to talk about it with people beyond the fact that “it’s so sad” because I can share that grief publically without it getting too close to me, I won’t start sobbing over Robin Williams, but I do have problems even saying out loud that I’ve lost my grandfather without crying. So I’ve been trying to connect with people who have lost a part of their childhood and maybe their life since that’s what I’ve lost.
It’s proven difficult of course, but when it comes to my grandfather I have to be grateful that I’ve had him as long as I did. That his death was quick, and while it was sudden and we didn’t get to say goodbye, he also didn’t have to suffer and we didn’t have to watch him suffer. That my last memory about him was him sitting at the next door neighbors sharing a Stella Artois (a beer I’ve been drinking quite often now). And that on his last day in this physical realm with us it was a beautiful day, and he had spent it going around the neighborhood in his electric wheel chair talking and drinking with all the neighbors which is what he was best known for. That he found out my older sister was going to be getting her first house and their offer had been accepted. And even now that things in all of our lives have been slowly straightening out I wonder if it’s because he’s helping push things through. I miss him so much even if we often got into fights about me cutting his toenails and then he’d pretend that he didn’t know me. I miss him and think of all the little things he did for me when I was little, and how excited I always was to go to grandpa’s house, because he always gave me tootsie rolls and cherry pepsi and called me “little girl” up until the end. I’m also pleased to know that he has acted as a grandpa for the rest of the neighborhood children, giving out candy to them as well whenever he saw them on his trips around the block. I really miss him and I was only going to write a short thing about him, but I can’t stop crying and I wanted to put this somewhere where I felt like I wasn’t bothering too many people.
