"Who am I?" "I don't know."
Well well well. Long time no talk.
So a Mr. Brad Doke visited met his week. He totally suprised me. I knew he was coming home for 2 weeks, but I did not think he was coming to visit. It was apparently a spur of the moment thing. He brought Bro (harry) down with him too.
And ya know.... as much as I love the kid.... I hate the fact that when he's around so many emotions run through my head. I think of so many things, but I felt comfort in knowing that he felt the same things. We never talk about it now, and we never really did talk about it. But we both know how the other feels, and thats good enough for us. I'm pretty sure we'll always have the connection. The connection of bullshit. The bullshit that was a big huge part of our lives that one day, just up and turned to shit. Eventually him and I will be better for it. But we're struggling right now. I know that his situation is significantly more heart-breaking than mine, but when ya get down to it, the effects are the same for both of us.
One song in particular, that was always something important to me years ago, that i try my hardest to never listen to anymore, is something that he played at the bar here. And he immediately looked at me, and said "i played this on purpose. i needed to know that someone else feels the way i do." He insisted that I sit there and listen to it with him. We both sang the words aloud, and then when it was done i went to the bathroom where i had my 10 seconds of crying. Once I got back to the table, and gave Brad a smile, him knowing damn well what just went on with me in the bathroom, Bro proceeded to look at me and say, "Are you still not over the whole Joe thing?" And thats a logical question to anyone who knows anythign about the situation. Well... guess what? He doesn't. All I told him was that he has no idea what those 3 years did to me because he was part of it. He will never realize what all of it did to both me and Brad until he can open his fucking eyes, and look beyond the flesh and bone of people. As much as I hate saying this, you have to look deeper and get more psychological to understand what goes on inside this head of mine.
Anyways, come Wednesday morning, I woke up to find all their belongings gone. No note, no goodbye, no nothing. just gone. In about a week and a half he'll be back in Afghanistan, and in 6 more months he'll be back for good. Well not really for good, but for about another year until he's shipped out again. And when he does come home, every time, whether its a permanent thing or just a 2-week leave, i know he'll be here, or wherever I am. Even if we may not be the best of friends in the entire world, we're still good friends who understand eachother, and when ya think about it.... we're all we got.
He was looking at pictures on my computer, and noticed that I had not one picture of anything to do with my past. Later on when him and I were just with eachother, he asked me why, and i said because it was time that i got rid of them. all they did was upset me, and i need to move on. he said it was a good thing. and that it needed to be done., and that he did the same thing. everynow and then i'm glad i did it, and everynow and then i wonder where my past is. I have nothing to show for it. My roommates ofthen have friends from home come to visit, and i dont have that luxury. The only thing i have now are stories. And most of them arent good. I still have the pictures but i put them away, and i only take them out when im wasted and someone is lending an ear.
all in all.... i dont know what i was, i dont know what i will be, and i guess i really dont know what i am. but i do know that i'm not a rat alien. :D