(no subject)
I'm an absolute fucking wreck. And now pretty much the entire school knows.
It's so hard to fucking understand. I don't know if I can ever accept the fact that he's moved on. It doesn't make any sense to me, at all. And not only moving on, but throwing away any type of care for me. I still have fucking hope and it won't go away. I still fucking believe the bullshit he says to me. And when I'm sitting there bawling my eyes out bc you've been lying to me about your intentions/who you like, you could at least have the decency to STOP. But it keeps on coming. I want more than anything for him to call me and ask me if I'm okay. Or stop me when he sees me in the halls. But it's not going to happen. And every fucking morning, I am going to have to see him, if not him with her. And then he can tell her the same fucking shit he told me. I wanted to be the 11th grade girlfriend. I wanted to be the high school love. I should be. I was. Please something immature and stupid happen to them. Like all his other lame relationships before me. But no, it won't, because I had to step up all the levels, I had to try to make it serious. And he's going to kiss her like he kissed me, before all the bullshit, and I miss that all so much I can't take it anymore. I can't take not talking to him. But I can't. I can't take him saying .kristen, I have to go back to class, taking you there wouldn't take this long. while I'm fucking screaming how I'm going to go home and kill myself. I hate when he says my name. He always says my fucking name when he talks to me. Maybe because he's forgetting about me. And blaming everything that happened to us on me. You were a 16 yr old boy with strong feelings for me, for some reason I don't think it's possible to force you into sex. The biggest bullshit of this all, is that he doesn't like me because of something that DIDN'T happen. Now that I think about it, I don't think so. He didn't like me before that. I always thought I could feel something, but I guess I couldn't. I think every feeling for me ended the day we went to the movies, [August 2nd]. I know there were feelings when we went, but I don't think they were still there when we left. But they were! Maybe they just come and go as he pleases. I don't know. This wasn't a good relationship. This wasn't healthy. I wish I could regret it. But I don't at all. I wouldn't take back anything. Except maybe being needy towards the end. And maybe believing him when he said he wants to still talk to me a couple days ago. FUCK YOU LAURA. HE LIKED ME LAST TUESDAY, NOT VERY MUCH, BUT HE STILL DID. IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE STARTED FUCKING TALKING TO HIM AND GETTING HIM TO LIKE YOU AND FORGET ABOUT ME, I WOULD HAVE HAD A FUCING CHANCE. And you want me to be your friend!? Fuck you EAHS scheduling, for putting them in the same fucking classes. If they weren't, then I really doubt he would have ever liked her. Maybe he's using her. That'd be fantastic. I just want him to want to talk to me again :'[. But I want to not care. I don't know what I want. I want to erase all this. Pretend it never happened. Pretend he was never in love with me. But he was, and if he says he wasn't, he's just too fucking scared to admit it. Fuck him for leaving me for that ugly fucking rat with no boobs. Oh well, she can probably suck dick better than I can. I hope he misses me. I hope she doesn't lose her morals, I hope they don't even make out. They probably will. I was the only girl he made out with. First and only. Probably not anymore. First girl he saw naked. First fuck. First girl he stayed up with past 5 with. First I love you. First licking from the head to the toes. First girl in his room. First heartbreak. First real relationship. First girl that liked his feet haha. There were so many firsts. At least she won't get the liberty of taking too many of them.
It's so hard to fucking understand. I don't know if I can ever accept the fact that he's moved on. It doesn't make any sense to me, at all. And not only moving on, but throwing away any type of care for me. I still have fucking hope and it won't go away. I still fucking believe the bullshit he says to me. And when I'm sitting there bawling my eyes out bc you've been lying to me about your intentions/who you like, you could at least have the decency to STOP. But it keeps on coming. I want more than anything for him to call me and ask me if I'm okay. Or stop me when he sees me in the halls. But it's not going to happen. And every fucking morning, I am going to have to see him, if not him with her. And then he can tell her the same fucking shit he told me. I wanted to be the 11th grade girlfriend. I wanted to be the high school love. I should be. I was. Please something immature and stupid happen to them. Like all his other lame relationships before me. But no, it won't, because I had to step up all the levels, I had to try to make it serious. And he's going to kiss her like he kissed me, before all the bullshit, and I miss that all so much I can't take it anymore. I can't take not talking to him. But I can't. I can't take him saying .kristen, I have to go back to class, taking you there wouldn't take this long. while I'm fucking screaming how I'm going to go home and kill myself. I hate when he says my name. He always says my fucking name when he talks to me. Maybe because he's forgetting about me. And blaming everything that happened to us on me. You were a 16 yr old boy with strong feelings for me, for some reason I don't think it's possible to force you into sex. The biggest bullshit of this all, is that he doesn't like me because of something that DIDN'T happen. Now that I think about it, I don't think so. He didn't like me before that. I always thought I could feel something, but I guess I couldn't. I think every feeling for me ended the day we went to the movies, [August 2nd]. I know there were feelings when we went, but I don't think they were still there when we left. But they were! Maybe they just come and go as he pleases. I don't know. This wasn't a good relationship. This wasn't healthy. I wish I could regret it. But I don't at all. I wouldn't take back anything. Except maybe being needy towards the end. And maybe believing him when he said he wants to still talk to me a couple days ago. FUCK YOU LAURA. HE LIKED ME LAST TUESDAY, NOT VERY MUCH, BUT HE STILL DID. IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE STARTED FUCKING TALKING TO HIM AND GETTING HIM TO LIKE YOU AND FORGET ABOUT ME, I WOULD HAVE HAD A FUCING CHANCE. And you want me to be your friend!? Fuck you EAHS scheduling, for putting them in the same fucking classes. If they weren't, then I really doubt he would have ever liked her. Maybe he's using her. That'd be fantastic. I just want him to want to talk to me again :'[. But I want to not care. I don't know what I want. I want to erase all this. Pretend it never happened. Pretend he was never in love with me. But he was, and if he says he wasn't, he's just too fucking scared to admit it. Fuck him for leaving me for that ugly fucking rat with no boobs. Oh well, she can probably suck dick better than I can. I hope he misses me. I hope she doesn't lose her morals, I hope they don't even make out. They probably will. I was the only girl he made out with. First and only. Probably not anymore. First girl he saw naked. First fuck. First girl he stayed up with past 5 with. First I love you. First licking from the head to the toes. First girl in his room. First heartbreak. First real relationship. First girl that liked his feet haha. There were so many firsts. At least she won't get the liberty of taking too many of them.