After yet another sober night............
So I'm def seeing the world with new eyes...open eyes that perhaps have been closed for a long time...or maybe they were just blurry. I feel like I'm back in grade school. How is it that my 8th grade self was so much smarter than the college kid me? I used to have it all figured out back then..and then I got lost...and now things are somehow coming back, beginning to make sense again. It's like I went on this huge soul-searching quest, pushed the limits, tried practically everything, and now that I know what is there and know it exists, I can start to define who I am or rather who I want to be. It's so weird....just when you think you know yourself and what you want, you heart completely changes on you. It's like your heart finally clues in your head about the big secret that was being kept...hence epiphonies. Funny, cuz you'd think the head would be the smart one, but the heart is the one that always leads you to exactly the place you need to be. I refuse to ignore it, surpress it, deny it. My head is finally catching up to what I've felt for so long. It's interesting...this new me that I've been living. It's invigorating, a relief, liberating. I can hardly explain it with words other than those -i just lept off a bridge- sort of words. Sometimes it's hard because it was so much easier to be the old me, just to give in and be like everyone else-take the easy way out-drown the pain, ignore the sadness, relieve the stress, let loose....completely... and to just forget about it all. But somehow that just doesn't feel right anymore. I have to listen to my heart, or I would be more stupid than anyone ever could be. And of course, it's not like anyone else can tell a difference, or that I'm some completely changed person, or that I don't have tons of other things I could improve about myself. Someone always has room to become a better person, but at least I've taken a step, even if small, in what feels like the right direction.