conclusion
Yesterday, after Italian I was talking with my teacher Christy, who is the coolest ever. We were talking about dating and such and I mentioned that somehow I always manage to find the assholes. I kept thinking over and over again, why do I continually choose to be with the assholes out there? And then of course I am just friends with the absolutely amazing ones...the ones that would have nothing but genuine caring and affection for me...the ones who wouldn't be lustful but rather sweet and sensitive. I somehow always manage to pick the ones that do nothing but disrespect me, hurt me, and don't really like me for me...and, to put it bluntly, just want a piece of ass. Why can I not tell the good guys from the bad? The truth is...I can. Deep down inside I get those faint instincts...and I never listen to them. I guess I always white wash situations....I dream them to be some fantasy that they aren't. I misread things...twist them...control them...make them what I want them to be. I am an eternal optimist at heart. And sometimes my sunny way of viewing things blinds me from seeing what is right in front of me. I came to an interesting conclusion while running yesterday...it was like an epiphany....one that makes sense...not like the Joseph kind of epiphanies (long story). I'm not ready to love someone again. I am running. Yeah, I get attached to the assholes, and I already know before those "relationships" start that they will crumble....and then I get hurt over and over again. It's like self punishment (I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it might just make sense to someone.) It's a way of grieving for things of the past. I have to make myself make things different from now on. Things must change.