Clarification
Good Evening Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury,
I would like to take this opportunity to clarify early statements and perhaps expound a little on the insightful and enlightening testimonies earlier posted in "Bummer". First of all I'd like to thank y'all for your support, advice and general friendly kick-in-the-ass. You guys are amazing. Secondly, I would like to clarify some statements and the tonality of said statements.
You are all quite right, I can learn from my crazy Dr. Brown wannabe professor and I fully acknowledge this. He may be bizarre, insenitive and a little bit opaque but he definitely knows his shit. I've never doubted his ability to expound extremely worthwhile information on me, even if I do have to sift through his verbal wreckage and ADD-like tangents in order to aquire it. I'm okay with that. And I am learning. Yesterday my paper came under attack; it was brutal. It was ruthless. But it was honest. And I know this. I know he has years of experience and an amazingly critical eye that cuts right through the bullshit to the problem. It was extremely helpful what he had to say, and I knew it would be. Part of my anxiety in being part of this program has been these constant feelings of inferiority. I feel underqualified being here. I know that I have severe problems in my writing, as well as my other abilities, and I think I've known it for a while. It's my own fear of failure and poor self esteem that has prevented me from addressing these issues prior to this point in my life. I've always felt that there was something wrong, and this is why I always felt extreme anxiety whenever I would have to write a paper or an essay. I've never been confidant in my abilities and so each time these challenges were raised it became a panic attack for me. Was this going to the be time that I just couldn't fumble through? Was I going to be caught, exposed as an imbecile disguised in verbose prose? Was this the time when I would fall completely on my face? At the end of Senior year I came very close to this. For the first time in my life I didn't do an assignment. Not your regular homework assignment because Lord knows I've skipped over enough of those in my tenure. This was a paper; a five page take home essay test/paper that I didnt do. Not that I didnt finish in time, I just couldnt even write it. I realize that this is a common occurence, that it's not that big of a deal, and I'm not trying to paint myself as some sort of goodie-goodie student. What was so devastating about this experience was not that I didnt do the assignment, because I can live with that, it's why I didnt do the assignment. It's because I saw myself facing that wall. That giant, rocky wall that previously I had somehow managed to scale, dragging myself over with every inch of my life. And this time I couldnt do it. Not only could I not climb the wall, I couldn't even get off the ground, my feet kept slipping, my hands had no rocks to hold and worst of all, I had no harness to catch me when I fell. Why do I tell this story? The point is I know that I dont have the skills, I knew I would be called out by this professor and the other students who would see right through me. My ego was not the issue. Trust me. It's not that I was afraid of being told I wasn't good enough, or that I didnt want some genius piece of work destroyed by people who just "didn't understand" my style. It's because he is right. He's right and I am afraid that I can't fix it. I see the problems, I am learning in the sense that I can cognitively process (sorry Melisa, I dont know if I used those terms properly) his criticisms, but I dont think that I have the ability to apply them. It's like when I did gymnastics. I understood the principles of backhandspring but for the life of me my body physically couldnt do it. The question then becomes was I just not working hard enough? Is it that I didnt have the ability or I was just too afraid to really push myself? Is that what's happening here? I mean we all know I'm afraid of failure, that's a given. Im afraid because I dont know what I'll do with myself when I fail. Once again please dont take this as an ego thing because it's not like that at all. It's more of I'm riding on everyone else's intellectual coat tails and where do I go when they finally take off the coat and leave me in the dust?
Ok, I've gone on long enough. All I mean to say is that you are absolutely right about the fact that I am here to learn, that I can take away from the absentminded professor as much as I want, if I'm willing, and that I am going to fail, and that failure is for me to learn. I completely concur with all of these statements. I'm just qualifying them with: Do I have the ability to apply what I've learned? Can I learn the ability or is it something you have or you dont have? Am I ever going to feel authentic, or will I always be a fraud? I am lucky to be here and I am grateful to be here, and I know that I deserve the opportunity and thank God I've been given the opportunity. I just dont want to waste that opportunity and I feel that I am. I dont want to let people down. I finally have the chance to make people proud and I dont want to blow it. But I also dont want to blow it by just giving up. When is it persistence and dedication and when is it sheer stubborness and delusion?
One more point on the notion of submitting inferior work in order to save my tender emotional underbelly. Although part of me entertained that notion and really believed it, I wouldnt consciously shit out a paper in order to save face. I mean, I've shitted out papers just to get them done, because I've run out of time or I just dont care about them. But even in those instances I think that I've done the best that I could under those circumstances. The same here. I wasn't trying to do bad work, I was just frustrated. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm sort of snob, because thats truly truly not how I mean it. I'm new to this whole livejournal thing and so I dont know how things are perceived. Let me say it before any one else does, that it's not about what people think, it's your thoughts, it shouldnt be censored etc. and I know that. But you know me and you know that I can't help thinking that way, and I also am trying to clarify my thoughts in this entry (to you and to me) and so I dont want to muddle the situation further. I really want to go back and erase all that I've just written but, in fairness to the Livejournal system, I will leave it.
As for the teaching thing, it's not easy. I never thought it was. It's also not for everyone. I dont know yet if it's not for me or if Im' just not giving it my best shot. Thanks for the advice from everyone, once again you're right. I do have to prepare more. I know the situation now so I just have to find new tactics and new prepartion. Duly noted. I will let you know how it goes.
I've rambled for far too long and I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but if you are still reading, I bet you're about ready to stop. Me too. Besides that I have to pee. And the solitude of this immense library is driving me bonkers. I can't wait for my computer back. I'm an idiot let me say that (but at least it wasnt vinegar). Oh, and dont you think there wont be some words about the computer incident when that puppy's back in my hands. Y'all better watch out. (I say y'all as if I have a following and not the three people who read this, whom I already talk to on a regular basis).
Thank you for your time. I rest my case.
I would like to take this opportunity to clarify early statements and perhaps expound a little on the insightful and enlightening testimonies earlier posted in "Bummer". First of all I'd like to thank y'all for your support, advice and general friendly kick-in-the-ass. You guys are amazing. Secondly, I would like to clarify some statements and the tonality of said statements.
You are all quite right, I can learn from my crazy Dr. Brown wannabe professor and I fully acknowledge this. He may be bizarre, insenitive and a little bit opaque but he definitely knows his shit. I've never doubted his ability to expound extremely worthwhile information on me, even if I do have to sift through his verbal wreckage and ADD-like tangents in order to aquire it. I'm okay with that. And I am learning. Yesterday my paper came under attack; it was brutal. It was ruthless. But it was honest. And I know this. I know he has years of experience and an amazingly critical eye that cuts right through the bullshit to the problem. It was extremely helpful what he had to say, and I knew it would be. Part of my anxiety in being part of this program has been these constant feelings of inferiority. I feel underqualified being here. I know that I have severe problems in my writing, as well as my other abilities, and I think I've known it for a while. It's my own fear of failure and poor self esteem that has prevented me from addressing these issues prior to this point in my life. I've always felt that there was something wrong, and this is why I always felt extreme anxiety whenever I would have to write a paper or an essay. I've never been confidant in my abilities and so each time these challenges were raised it became a panic attack for me. Was this going to the be time that I just couldn't fumble through? Was I going to be caught, exposed as an imbecile disguised in verbose prose? Was this the time when I would fall completely on my face? At the end of Senior year I came very close to this. For the first time in my life I didn't do an assignment. Not your regular homework assignment because Lord knows I've skipped over enough of those in my tenure. This was a paper; a five page take home essay test/paper that I didnt do. Not that I didnt finish in time, I just couldnt even write it. I realize that this is a common occurence, that it's not that big of a deal, and I'm not trying to paint myself as some sort of goodie-goodie student. What was so devastating about this experience was not that I didnt do the assignment, because I can live with that, it's why I didnt do the assignment. It's because I saw myself facing that wall. That giant, rocky wall that previously I had somehow managed to scale, dragging myself over with every inch of my life. And this time I couldnt do it. Not only could I not climb the wall, I couldn't even get off the ground, my feet kept slipping, my hands had no rocks to hold and worst of all, I had no harness to catch me when I fell. Why do I tell this story? The point is I know that I dont have the skills, I knew I would be called out by this professor and the other students who would see right through me. My ego was not the issue. Trust me. It's not that I was afraid of being told I wasn't good enough, or that I didnt want some genius piece of work destroyed by people who just "didn't understand" my style. It's because he is right. He's right and I am afraid that I can't fix it. I see the problems, I am learning in the sense that I can cognitively process (sorry Melisa, I dont know if I used those terms properly) his criticisms, but I dont think that I have the ability to apply them. It's like when I did gymnastics. I understood the principles of backhandspring but for the life of me my body physically couldnt do it. The question then becomes was I just not working hard enough? Is it that I didnt have the ability or I was just too afraid to really push myself? Is that what's happening here? I mean we all know I'm afraid of failure, that's a given. Im afraid because I dont know what I'll do with myself when I fail. Once again please dont take this as an ego thing because it's not like that at all. It's more of I'm riding on everyone else's intellectual coat tails and where do I go when they finally take off the coat and leave me in the dust?
Ok, I've gone on long enough. All I mean to say is that you are absolutely right about the fact that I am here to learn, that I can take away from the absentminded professor as much as I want, if I'm willing, and that I am going to fail, and that failure is for me to learn. I completely concur with all of these statements. I'm just qualifying them with: Do I have the ability to apply what I've learned? Can I learn the ability or is it something you have or you dont have? Am I ever going to feel authentic, or will I always be a fraud? I am lucky to be here and I am grateful to be here, and I know that I deserve the opportunity and thank God I've been given the opportunity. I just dont want to waste that opportunity and I feel that I am. I dont want to let people down. I finally have the chance to make people proud and I dont want to blow it. But I also dont want to blow it by just giving up. When is it persistence and dedication and when is it sheer stubborness and delusion?
One more point on the notion of submitting inferior work in order to save my tender emotional underbelly. Although part of me entertained that notion and really believed it, I wouldnt consciously shit out a paper in order to save face. I mean, I've shitted out papers just to get them done, because I've run out of time or I just dont care about them. But even in those instances I think that I've done the best that I could under those circumstances. The same here. I wasn't trying to do bad work, I was just frustrated. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm sort of snob, because thats truly truly not how I mean it. I'm new to this whole livejournal thing and so I dont know how things are perceived. Let me say it before any one else does, that it's not about what people think, it's your thoughts, it shouldnt be censored etc. and I know that. But you know me and you know that I can't help thinking that way, and I also am trying to clarify my thoughts in this entry (to you and to me) and so I dont want to muddle the situation further. I really want to go back and erase all that I've just written but, in fairness to the Livejournal system, I will leave it.
As for the teaching thing, it's not easy. I never thought it was. It's also not for everyone. I dont know yet if it's not for me or if Im' just not giving it my best shot. Thanks for the advice from everyone, once again you're right. I do have to prepare more. I know the situation now so I just have to find new tactics and new prepartion. Duly noted. I will let you know how it goes.
I've rambled for far too long and I'm sure there's more I wanted to say but if you are still reading, I bet you're about ready to stop. Me too. Besides that I have to pee. And the solitude of this immense library is driving me bonkers. I can't wait for my computer back. I'm an idiot let me say that (but at least it wasnt vinegar). Oh, and dont you think there wont be some words about the computer incident when that puppy's back in my hands. Y'all better watch out. (I say y'all as if I have a following and not the three people who read this, whom I already talk to on a regular basis).
Thank you for your time. I rest my case.