decisions, decisions
I miss my boyfriend. We NEVER fucking see each other. Hell, we don't even attempt to see one another. We're not fighting, we don't hate one another, we just don't talk.
I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been taking so many drugs lately. About this, he would not be happy.
It's not worth it to lose him. Nothings worth that. But at this point, I don't even feel like that's the problem. Whether I was straightedge or not, he and I would still struggle. I feel like we're not together because we want to be together, we're just together because we have no reason to break up. This is stupid, I feel like we're wasting our time. I mean, I have no interest in anybody else, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't either, but this... this is not a relationship. This is barely an aquaintance.
I guess normally I would be doing things to help us out, making more attempts at seeing him, talking to him. But, I feel like my efforts would be wasted and unappreciated.
Yet still, STILL, even though I feel this way, the thought of losing him as my boyfriend makes my heart sink into the nether regions of my stomach.
I feel like there's so much about myself I need to address and change before I can start working on me+you. I want to lose weight, I want to lose a lot of weight. I want to get my financial problems under control, I want to get my education in order. Plus, I've been abandoning God way too much lately, and I know that He's not been abandoning me. With the lifestyle I've been leading lately, there's no way I should technically be alive, "God watches out for fools..."
I'm young, I'm in college, this is the time to do it, I know. I just don't want to take it too far.
I'd be more willing to make a turn-around if I knew he (my boyfriend), or SOMEBODY would be there to support me. I'm just not so sure that he would be willing to put the time needed into me. I feel like I'm a lost cause, a burden on him. I feel like he could do so much better than me. There's nothing I offer him that he can't get elsewhere. So what's the point of "us?"
I've never felt so alone.
~KT
I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been taking so many drugs lately. About this, he would not be happy.
It's not worth it to lose him. Nothings worth that. But at this point, I don't even feel like that's the problem. Whether I was straightedge or not, he and I would still struggle. I feel like we're not together because we want to be together, we're just together because we have no reason to break up. This is stupid, I feel like we're wasting our time. I mean, I have no interest in anybody else, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't either, but this... this is not a relationship. This is barely an aquaintance.
I guess normally I would be doing things to help us out, making more attempts at seeing him, talking to him. But, I feel like my efforts would be wasted and unappreciated.
Yet still, STILL, even though I feel this way, the thought of losing him as my boyfriend makes my heart sink into the nether regions of my stomach.
I feel like there's so much about myself I need to address and change before I can start working on me+you. I want to lose weight, I want to lose a lot of weight. I want to get my financial problems under control, I want to get my education in order. Plus, I've been abandoning God way too much lately, and I know that He's not been abandoning me. With the lifestyle I've been leading lately, there's no way I should technically be alive, "God watches out for fools..."
I'm young, I'm in college, this is the time to do it, I know. I just don't want to take it too far.
I'd be more willing to make a turn-around if I knew he (my boyfriend), or SOMEBODY would be there to support me. I'm just not so sure that he would be willing to put the time needed into me. I feel like I'm a lost cause, a burden on him. I feel like he could do so much better than me. There's nothing I offer him that he can't get elsewhere. So what's the point of "us?"
I've never felt so alone.
~KT