So....
...happy birthday to me. I am now 25. For some reason, this bothers me. Or perhaps it "depresses" me is a better term. Perhaps it's just my current state of mind (which is even more negative than usual as of late), I'm not sure. For some reason, I feel I have passed the top of the hill and I'm beginning a downward descent at accelerating speed. This birth anniversary, for some reason, has really made me think of my connection to the rest of humanity and how I fit in with it.
And the conclusion isn't really that great. It's not that I can't or don't wish to fit in, but somewhere in my life I curved away from, well, everything (or it feels that way, at least). Maybe I'm just feeling down because I feel I should have accomplished more by now - nothing as great as "making a difference in the world" of course, but shouldn't I be more gainfully employed? More socially connected? More involved in something? Just one of the three, even?
But then I have to deal with my messed up psychology/brain chemistry/et al. What do I want to be gainfully employed at? I have no idea. I don't feel I have the qualifications to do a serious job. The fantasy jobs? Very few of those, and I just dismiss them as not worth pursuing. And I don't seem to have the drive to truly go out and get the qualifications I feel I'd miss.
What social connections do I want? It's irrelevant - my social anxiety and nervousness won't easily allow it. People just seem to make me internally nervous, mad, or apathetic. It sucks. Doing something that isn't productive? I don't know what I'd do. Nothing seems to truly interest me or give me joy.
Perhaps I'm just frustrated and mad with myself. I feel that I'm wasting my potential (and I'd like to think I have some), and it aggravates me that I haven't really done anything serious to turn off that course. And it's really my own damn fault for not being more aggressive in pursuing opportunities. But feeling disconnected and alone (like I have been) doesn't help matters. It's dreadfully easy to just curl up in an isolated ball of half-misery and not change, because at least the feeling of unhappiness, while unpleasant, is familiar and comforting in its own pervese fashion. And that, really, is what I think has happened.
I'd really like to end on a positive note, that today really is the first day of the rest of my life, and that I'll kickstart myself into high gear and start changing. But I'm pretty sure that'd be a bunch of Pollyanna nonsense. Le sigh.
My apologies for bumming everyone out.
And the conclusion isn't really that great. It's not that I can't or don't wish to fit in, but somewhere in my life I curved away from, well, everything (or it feels that way, at least). Maybe I'm just feeling down because I feel I should have accomplished more by now - nothing as great as "making a difference in the world" of course, but shouldn't I be more gainfully employed? More socially connected? More involved in something? Just one of the three, even?
But then I have to deal with my messed up psychology/brain chemistry/et al. What do I want to be gainfully employed at? I have no idea. I don't feel I have the qualifications to do a serious job. The fantasy jobs? Very few of those, and I just dismiss them as not worth pursuing. And I don't seem to have the drive to truly go out and get the qualifications I feel I'd miss.
What social connections do I want? It's irrelevant - my social anxiety and nervousness won't easily allow it. People just seem to make me internally nervous, mad, or apathetic. It sucks. Doing something that isn't productive? I don't know what I'd do. Nothing seems to truly interest me or give me joy.
Perhaps I'm just frustrated and mad with myself. I feel that I'm wasting my potential (and I'd like to think I have some), and it aggravates me that I haven't really done anything serious to turn off that course. And it's really my own damn fault for not being more aggressive in pursuing opportunities. But feeling disconnected and alone (like I have been) doesn't help matters. It's dreadfully easy to just curl up in an isolated ball of half-misery and not change, because at least the feeling of unhappiness, while unpleasant, is familiar and comforting in its own pervese fashion. And that, really, is what I think has happened.
I'd really like to end on a positive note, that today really is the first day of the rest of my life, and that I'll kickstart myself into high gear and start changing. But I'm pretty sure that'd be a bunch of Pollyanna nonsense. Le sigh.
My apologies for bumming everyone out.