(no subject)
So I have come to some conclusions about myself and my life. Some that I like, and some that I really don't. My time in New York has given me the opportunity to reflect on who I am, and what I am doing with my life. I guess I realized lately that I don't really know who I am. I keep holding on to the Kate that I was in college and not letting myself become anything different. I thought I had changed, and I know I have a bit I just have lots more I would like to change. I don't want to be that girl that sits around saying "well in Wisconsin it was this way, or Il is like this". It's just unhealthy to do. I am not allowing myself to move on and be happy. I guess I realized I have been holding on to this Beyer situation for so long because I was afraid to admit that I am not in love with him anymore, that I wasn't in love with anyone really anymore and that means no one is in love with me, and I actually haven't felt that way in a long time! I have to admit it though, and admit that it's really gone and I am really alone. Being alone isn't the end of the world though. I need to be alone. I need this time to figure out me and figure who I am and what I like. I know that there is good things about being alone I also know that there's parts of being alone that freaks me out. I have been lonely lately. So lonely that I ended up acting like a complete jerk to someone I would never want to hurt or be mean to.I just freaked out about being alone and having to go home and admit I was alone. It's just so hard because I know I messed up what could have been a great friendship. (One of the few I actually have in New York too). I am hoping in time... maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe even months, that person will have realized I am worth keeping around. And realize that I am totally a different person drunk and not drunk. As of now though I can't blame them for not wanting me around. I can't believe I acted so immature and just awful. When I drink too much I act like someone I don't even recognize and I hate that person. So I have decided that I am going back to limiting my drinks. I know I am in a place in my life right now where I need to be figuring things out and drinking just doesn't help. So I guess now that I am alone I have the time and the ability to figure out what I do like about myself and do some changing of the things I don't so hopefully I don't push away anymore people who are important to me. I also have decided I need to make little goals and then when I accomplish them give myself credit. I think I have just been way to hard on myself. I need a break from the whole Kate sucks scene! Time to be nicer to myself. All right I worked really hard this weekend so I am going to bed early as a treat. Have a great night. Mere thanks for talking to me today. It was great talking and thanks for all the support everyone! I love you all very much.