The Midwest.
I drive past the bank every morning on my way to school. Yesterday morning, it read
"7:57
....
5."
As in the time was 7:57, and it was 5 degrees. This morning it read:
"7:55
...
-2"
As soon as you walk out the door, your whole body starts shaking. Violently. You'll try to start your car, and it will make a pathetic sputtering noise, scream a little, and give up. After about 5 of these, it will roar like a bloodlust beast from the underworld being awakened from its sleep, and as it tries to warm up, it too will shake. Violently. Your heat won't get warm for 15 minutes. Then it will take another 10 minutes to melt the ice of of your windshield. By this time, about half a gallon of gasoline has poured out of your leaking fuel line. Your fuel line is leaking because it has cracked. From the cold.
And speaking of cracking, lets talk about your nose. It's got this handy little membrane in it that you never even think about... until you move to the midwest. When you walk out of your house, 60 degrees, and into your car, -2 degrees, then back into your place of employment, 65 degrees, you might hear a little pop inside your face. This is the sound of that membrane cracking. The next thing you know, blood will be flowing freely down your mouth, past your chin, and onto your clothes and the floor surrounding you. Your clothes and psyche will be permanently stained. You will now have to live with the fear that at any moment, your face could explode.
Thinking of moving to the midwest to raise your babies? Here in humble little Anna, Illinois, all babies aged 8 to 14 were recently sent home with a note that read
"Dear Parents,
The heat has gone out in your child's school. We can't cancel school. Dress your kids warm."
This means that if your child forgets his or her coat, he or she may actually die. It would literally be warmer to stand in a deep freezer than Anna Elementary School.
If there is the remotest amount of precipitation, getting to your destination (usually 30 miles away since this is a small town) might kill you. No amount of salt trucks pouring chemicals on the roads, and no amount of money you spend on special tires or snow chains can save you. Driving to work will be like braving a battlefield. The corpses of cars, trucks, SUVs, and semi-trucks litter the highway. People hit trees and are thrown through their windshield. They roll their vehicles into ditches, unseen by people driving by, and lay unconscious in their seat until they freeze to death. They drift on black ice into oncoming traffic, collide with other cars, and snap their necks. The EMTs sent to save these people have to drive approximately 30 miles an hour to reach these people, or risk killing themselves in the process. Between December and February, every time you punch in your time card you won't be able to help but thank God for taking mercy on your pitiful little soul.
So....
Perhaps this is why everyone retires to Arizona?
"7:57
....
5."
As in the time was 7:57, and it was 5 degrees. This morning it read:
"7:55
...
-2"
As soon as you walk out the door, your whole body starts shaking. Violently. You'll try to start your car, and it will make a pathetic sputtering noise, scream a little, and give up. After about 5 of these, it will roar like a bloodlust beast from the underworld being awakened from its sleep, and as it tries to warm up, it too will shake. Violently. Your heat won't get warm for 15 minutes. Then it will take another 10 minutes to melt the ice of of your windshield. By this time, about half a gallon of gasoline has poured out of your leaking fuel line. Your fuel line is leaking because it has cracked. From the cold.
And speaking of cracking, lets talk about your nose. It's got this handy little membrane in it that you never even think about... until you move to the midwest. When you walk out of your house, 60 degrees, and into your car, -2 degrees, then back into your place of employment, 65 degrees, you might hear a little pop inside your face. This is the sound of that membrane cracking. The next thing you know, blood will be flowing freely down your mouth, past your chin, and onto your clothes and the floor surrounding you. Your clothes and psyche will be permanently stained. You will now have to live with the fear that at any moment, your face could explode.
Thinking of moving to the midwest to raise your babies? Here in humble little Anna, Illinois, all babies aged 8 to 14 were recently sent home with a note that read
"Dear Parents,
The heat has gone out in your child's school. We can't cancel school. Dress your kids warm."
This means that if your child forgets his or her coat, he or she may actually die. It would literally be warmer to stand in a deep freezer than Anna Elementary School.
If there is the remotest amount of precipitation, getting to your destination (usually 30 miles away since this is a small town) might kill you. No amount of salt trucks pouring chemicals on the roads, and no amount of money you spend on special tires or snow chains can save you. Driving to work will be like braving a battlefield. The corpses of cars, trucks, SUVs, and semi-trucks litter the highway. People hit trees and are thrown through their windshield. They roll their vehicles into ditches, unseen by people driving by, and lay unconscious in their seat until they freeze to death. They drift on black ice into oncoming traffic, collide with other cars, and snap their necks. The EMTs sent to save these people have to drive approximately 30 miles an hour to reach these people, or risk killing themselves in the process. Between December and February, every time you punch in your time card you won't be able to help but thank God for taking mercy on your pitiful little soul.
So....
Perhaps this is why everyone retires to Arizona?