fic: introduction to human sexuality
Title: Introduction to Human Sexuality
Author: ktcosmopolitan
Spoilers: Anything that has aired at this point is fair game.
Rating/Warning: R-for adult language and smut!
Word Count: 3,565
Disclaimer: I solemnly swear neither these characters nor the show belong to me.
Summary: Jeff and Annie are paired up for a project in their new human sexuality course; predictably, he gets cocky and she resolves to have a few tricks up her sleeve to remind him he isn't the only one to have ever gone to bed with someone.
Author's Note: Currently sitting in a 24-hour internet cafe, weeping at what it's like to have Wi-Fi again. I've been so MIA lately with lack of internet connection at my house that it feels strange to be back! Many thanks to butterbadger for providing the lovely prompts, two of which I mixed to make this one! I very much hope you enjoy this; happy Valentine's Day! xo Kate
...
Initially, the entire study group meant to take the class together, but Abed, identifying a unique filmmaking opportunity, convinced Shirley, Troy, Pierce, and Britta to back out. The former two were easy to persuade (Shirley babbled about the evils of peer pressure and how she never even wanted to take the class in the first place; Troy had little interest in any class that Abed did not want to take) but the latter two required some extra legwork. Pierce wanted to use the class to meet someone “as interested in boinking as he was,” whereas Britta was keen to “dissect heteronormative patriarchal culture that gives men like Pierce license to venerate sex and stigmatize everything else.”
In the end, Abed paid them off, classifying the move as an investment in his documentarian career.
Neither Jeff nor Annie felt especially eager to get to class once they found out it would be only the two of them, but schedules were nearing permanence by then. The first semester of their third year at Greendale had yielded much tension and discomfort-each of them might have conceded that, yes the two of them had shared a few pleasant moments together over the last few months, such as the disclosure of their feelings for one another following a nasty United Nations battle or rocking out to numbers by The Police and Seal, but their friendship from their freshmen and sophomore years invariably dwarfed these already bijou incidents. Claiming victory at debate tournaments and debunking on-campus conspiracy theories had set the standard of their relationship rather high and rather early in this chapter of their lives.
“This course,” drawled the professor (whose lavender satin camisole and plastic bed slippers would have been labeled as inappropriate attire at any other institution, but, remember, this was Greendale) on the first day, “is designed to rip open the stitches sewn into you by a suffocatingly prudish society. We have been taught to mortify our senses, that our bodies are wicked vessels created to trick us into sinning, but we are here to quash those antiquated beliefs! In this course, we will seek confirmed sexual identity. We will seek an otherworldly experience with our sexual selves. We will start-” She waited, perhaps preempting the thunderous applause. “A revolution!”
Her face did not fall far when no one clapped, an indication that she had taught this class for more than a few years. When enough time passed, a meek hand appeared in the sea of faces, some of students who had hoped that Introduction to Human Sexuality would essentially translate into an exaltation of pornography via the classroom projector, some of students who had hoped this class would catalyze the loss of their virginity, and some of students-only a few, but still enough-who legitimately wanted to learn about the human capacity for physicality and emotion.
Annie could not ascertain which category applied to her.
She stuck her hand up farther before loudly clearing her throat. The professor paced her platform, deep in thought, inaugurating a nearly silent yet completely uncomfortable pause in the classroom discourse. Annie hemmed once more. “Excuse me? Ms. Beaton?”
The professor cocked her head in Annie’s direction. “Please, we are all friends here. Call me Violet.”
“Um, yes. Violet.” Perhaps the unorthodox introduction mystified Annie. “Forgive me, but I’ve read the syllabus for the class a few times and it clearly says… ‘Students are to learn to recognize trends and patterns in reactions toward sexuality in various cultures and subcultures, to facilitate open and analytical discussion about sexual identity, and to define the major theoretical perspectives that influence the scientific study of human sexuality.”
The professor practically gleamed when she sneered, “Oh? I wasn’t aware.” The whole of the class snickered, perhaps eager to enter her good graces, though Jeff threw Annie a sympathetic glance that she did not notice. “In all seriousness, yes, of course, my dear child, but to do all that is to free yourself of society’s puritanical handicaps, wouldn’t you agree? The contents of the syllabus are merely the medium through which we will achieve sexual liberation.”
Flags of color rose on Annie’s cheeks as murmuring circulated the classroom; she caught a few words like goodie two shoes and know-it-all. Neither epithet came as new, but the sound of each still made a lump form in her throat. Taking this class was a mistake, a horrible mistake, one giant, awful, humiliating mistake, what was I thinking, trying to grow up-
The professor clapped, a loud bang that promptly brought the focus back to her. “All right, now that we’re clear on the purpose of my course, let’s pair up. Everyone in the odd rows-starting with the man in the gray sweatshirt in the first row, yes, you, right there-should look their left and introduce themselves to their partner for the first project.”
“We really need to stop sitting together at the start of the semester,” Jeff muttered without looking up from his phone. He could feel Annie’s undoubtedly saucer-shaped eyes boring holes into his temples.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Cheerful Charlie,” she hissed caustically.
“Look, following the terrarium fiasco, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that our group-”
“History!” Violet bellowed, effectively revealing her permanent strategy to regain the students’ attention. “Everything that has ever existed has a history. A biography. A background. To understand anything, you must be familiar with its history-you must know how it began, how it functioned, how it lasted. You must treat this knowledge as essential to your being as you treat oxygen and water.”
Her hands steepled in prayer, she smiled roguishly to no one in particular. “Your first assignment is to create a timeline on poster board that chronicles the evolution of sexuality in society. Start from before common era civilizations and work your way up to the present. Include everything that could possibly affect sexual expression and sexual attitudes: class structure, laws, advertising. Everything. Due a week from today. Oh-and make sure each bullet point comes with some sort of illustration. This course has no business leaving anything up to the imagination.”
Despite their ruffled feathers, Jeff and Annie fell into place beside each other when walking out, as Abed guessed they would. She immediately began listing suggestions for their timeline, including everything from font choice to biblical sources, a topic that bored Jeff immediately. “Whoa, slow down, tiger,” he cut in, parading that signature smirk he used when in lawyer mode, “Look, you don’t have to try so hard for this one, okay? It looks like for once I’ll be the one who might carry a bit more weight for a project.”
Annie whipped her head toward him. “What? What is that supposed to mean?”
He chuckled lightly. “Well, this isn’t the class where you can study a textbook to fully understand the material-and, well, come on, let’s be honest, it requires a different kind of experience-something more hands-on, something I definitely have and you definitely-”
“Have, too?” she snapped, stopping just short of the backdoor to the study room. Annie folded her arms over her chest. “I’ve slept with someone, too, Jeff. I know what it’s like.”
He snorted. “A secretly gay boyfriend doesn’t count, Annie.”
Annie narrowed her eyes and said in a low, even voice, “Don’t worry about the project. I’ll do it myself, like always.” She stalked away before something dawned on her, at which point she quickly marched back toward him, stopping right beneath his chin. “You really don’t know?”
The smirk on his face dissipated. “Know what?”
She shook her head, the corners of her mouth curling slightly. “Forget it. You really are an unbelievably oblivious asshole sometimes, you know that?”
The slander barely registered in his brain, but Jeff grimaced at the idea that Annie had some sort of secret to which he was not privy. That faint hint of smugness burgeoning on her face inspired a strange mix of arousal and chagrin in the pit of his stomach, like a wild animal titillated by the very drug that would send it to its death. The memory of her eyes flashing at him from across the table, from the other side of the library bookshelves, from the end of the hallway after they had already said their goodbyes drove him delirious, a condition exponentially aggravated by the notion that Annie had a secret related to their newest class.
Once she stomped off, Jeff glanced behind him. Through the window he saw, unsurprisingly, Abed standing behind his normal seat, clutching the strap of his messenger bag, wearing an inquisitive look on his face. “Save it,” Jeff said through the glass. He pushed open the door and moved lazily toward his seat, his head lolling back as he spoke. “I know exactly what you’re going to say-” here he used air quotes, “‘that putting two people like Jeff and Annie in close proximity for large quantities of time will result in riveting cinematic interaction and jaw-dropping chemistry that could only continue to prosper if they spent many more scenes’ or monologues or whatever together-”
“Actually,” Abed interrupted calmly, letting his bag fall onto the back of the chair, “I was going to guess that the two of you weren’t getting along.”
“Ding, ding, ding,” Jeff said, dropping into his chair. “Ah, shit, I mean, I don’t know. I guess I’m just kind of a jerk and she’s kind of-” Abed did not find it strange when Jeff could not finish the sentence.
“An enigma? A closed book? A box that, if opened, may or may not emulate that of Pandora?”
Staring at his lap, Jeff sighed, “Sure.” He hesitated before adding, “Some days I’m sure I know her like the back of my hand. And other days she’s this unfamiliar person who plays everything close to the vest and builds a giant wall around herself, just for extra security.”
“Sometimes I do wonder why I categorized you two as an example of ‘opposites attract,’” Abed said under his breath, scribbling a quick note onto a pad of paper, which he swiftly stuffed back into his pocket. He glimpsed at both entrances to the room, waiting for the rest of the study group as they were to arrive any moment, before turning back to Jeff. “If I were to prophesy what the class will bring for you two, I would surmise that you might be able to relieve some sexual tension. Explore some previously uncharted areas of your friendship. Perhaps divulge some secrets to one another.”
The innocent hypothesis forced Jeff to look up and meet Abed’s gaze. “Secrets?”
Abed shrugged. “A film critic would condemn such blatant cheating as telling you outright- revelations like this usually require a more organic introduction, but these sort of stories make me impatient and I’m nearly positive expediting the process won’t hurt your development. Anyway, remember those flyers at the beginning of the school year that advertised for women willing to pose nude for a calendar?”
The meaning of Abed’s question slowly struck a chord in Jeff. He widened his eyes. “What? You mean-”
Nodding, Abed explained, animating his words with his hands, “She made the decision quickly, if I remember correctly, the money was fast and easy. Annie’s not as prim and proper as she wants everyone to believe-maybe a bit inexperienced, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know what she’s talking about when it comes to topics like human sexuality. I’m sure that’s why she took the class.”
The flyer was bright red, Jeff could remember that much. Seeking nude models for seasonal calendar; apply for any month you want! Ladies of all shapes and sizes welcome. Please come clean and ready to be photographed. If you have any questions, call Star-Burns at the following number.
“Oh, Christ,” Jeff said, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.
“I’m surprised you didn’t know,” Abed know. “Half of Greendale owns a copy. She’s December, I think, so unless they’ve looked through it already-which, knowing this student body, is likely-her picture isn’t hanging up on anyone’s wall.”
The hollowness in Jeff’s voice echoed a trace of spite. “She didn’t tell me.”
“She didn’t tell us, either. She didn’t have to. We’ve all seen it-even Shirley and Pierce, and they’re always the last ones to hear about things. It’s moderately tasteful. Star-Burns isn’t the kind of entrepreneur seeking class, just cash, so the mediocrity of the photo backgrounds is par for the course. Annie looks nice, though. Much different from the high-strung girl we met the night of your Look Left speech. She looks like an adult, actually.”
That primitive animal deep inside Jeff-whose growls and whose instincts and whose fears he had buried beneath mountains of nonchalance and sophistication a long while ago in hopes of appearing mildly self-possessed-snarled slightly, sniffing out the same drug that would lead to its death. At that moment, the rest of the study group materialized, heedless of the wild look in Jeff’s eyes. “If you’re going to go talk to her-” Abed began.
“Talk to whom?” Britta piped up, finally turning away from her conversation with Troy.
“It would be best if you really thought through what you’re going to say far in advance of when you say it,” Abed finished. “Your character is impulsive, Jeff-dangerously impulsive, on some occasions. She doesn’t take anything lightly, especially not sarcastic comments from you, so you’ll want to cool off before you see her.”
“See who?” Shirley asked. “What on earth are you two talking about?”
Jeff ignored their inquiries and left his exit unexplained; Abed would indubitably fill in the study group later. As he walked, an odd sensation stirred beneath his ribcage, perhaps right at the center of his chest, beneath his sternum. The young teenager in him recognized this as nerves; the adult in him chalked it up to adrenaline.
He found her in the far end of the library, writing furiously in a notebook. “Hey there,” he said breathlessly as he approached the table.
“Don’t you hey there me,” she said brusquely, keeping her eyes on the paper before her. “You can be such a dick sometimes and you know what? You’ve been a dick to me all year. And I’m tired of it. My tolerance for bullshit has reached the lowest level possible at this point, so if you’re going to be an asshole to me, I suggest you tell Violet Beaton that you want a new partner or you’re dropping the class or something, because I’m not taking any headaches from you this semester, Jeff Winger! No headaches, no heartaches, nothing, are we clear?”
He replied with the first-and perhaps only-thing on his mind. “Why didn’t you tell me about the calendar?”
The pen between her fingers clattered as it hit the table’s surface. She looked up at him and said, in a voice suddenly small, “You found out about that?”
“You don’t have to do that to yourself, Annie-and for money, shit, we could have all pitched in to help you-”
She dismissed this with dramatic eye roll. “I’m sorry, did I ask you for charity? Did I go around campus, shaking a noisy can with a single penny inside of it? I didn’t? Right, that’s what I thought. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”
“Annie, we’re talking about Star-Burns here, possibly the sleaziest person to ever set foot on this planet. He’s exploiting you-”
At this, she sprung up from her chair, poking a pointed index finger in his chest. The jabs made the nerves flurry to the bottom of his stomach. “Listen, buddy boy, first of all, no one was exploiting me. I consented to that job because I knew it was quick and easy. Second of all, you don’t get to be jealous. Not like this. You get to be jealous if you’re the boyfriend and that’s it. And seeing as the two of us haven’t been so much as pals since early last summer, I can tell that’s not going to be a reality any time soon, so knock it off with the-”
The kiss came quickly, without warning, and ended as soon as it began. Annie looked even more furious when Jeff pulled away; she had half a mind to slap him. “All right, and another thing! If you’re going to employ clichés when trying to win me back into the role of lovesick best friend who can’t get over you for the entire year, then try not to make it so bathetic. If you’re going to kiss me, then kiss me.”
With her blessing, he slid both hands around her waist and pulled his mouth toward his. The taste of her dazed him; the bubblegum lip gloss was nowhere to be found.
Since this was Greendale, no one was more than minimally offended by two people making out in the library, but Annie decidedly dragged Jeff toward the broom closet a dozen yards from where they stood, longing for privacy. “I really am such an asshole,” he said as he pressed his mouth to her neck, then her collarbone, then the curve of her right breast.
“God, and don’t I know it.” She exhaled as she leaned back against the supply shelves. “But, look, Jeff, I don’t want the sob story about our feelings to get in the way here-let’s just do what we came to do, all right?”
With the second blessing, he slipped two hands beneath her skirt and tugged at the band of her tights. He left the stockings at her knees before going back up to kiss her, the animal inside of him all but dying to confirm again and again that the bubblegum lip gloss was no longer there. Abed’s voice rang in his head. She looks like an adult, actually.
She unzipped the fly of his jeans and pulled them down with no hesitation; he momentarily killed his mood to wonder if she actually had done this before with someone possibly as experienced as he was, but then she slipped a hand inside his briefs and all at once he could see stars. “Fuck me, please,” she whispered into his ear, her hot breath tickling the hair on the back of his neck. “Fuck me because I want to be fucked, not because you know how to fuck me.”
With the third blessing, he rolled a condom onto his penis and tugged the rest of her tights all the way down. The feelings of wet fabric against his fingers evoked a primal grumble from within him. “Holy shit,” he breathed, losing his balance briefly.
“Welcome to the jungle,” she cackled, and tilted her head back as he finally pressed his cock inside her, gasping loudly. “Oh.” The stars blinded him again and she saw them, too, each rather unprepared to spend this moment so lost, so hopelessly, terribly, wonderfully lost in an oasis of unseeing eroticism.
He adopted a rhythm (as she had expected he would after watching dirty movies in high school with other girls whose mothers had been so desperate to protect them from the world) as he bucked into her, his hands wrapped around the underside of her ass to keep her upright. She fleetingly thought of the professor in class earlier, bawling about otherworldly experiences, and Annie decided Violet Beaton knew exactly what she was talking about.
Their climaxes were a mélange of each other’s names and oh, fuck and a few loud, delightfully sharp intakes of air. Annie smiled and pressed her face into Jeff’s chest once she climbed back down to the floor, her hands hooked around his neck.
He gingerly touched the beads of sweat on her forehead as he ran his fingers through her hair. “Well, fuck,” he panted. “I’m sorry, but I still think I’m jealous. Even if I’m not allowed to be.”
She glanced up at him with a self-satisfied grin. “You just can’t stand the idea of a bunch of pimply nerds here jerking off to my naked body, because you’re caught between envy and disgust. You want to both join them, but that means you’d be nothing but a pimply nerd masturbating over a calendar girl, so you want to condemn them. You want to fuck me as much as they want to fuck me, but you also want to be the only one who wants to fuck me. I’m afraid you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”
Suppressing a smile, Jeff furrowed an eyebrow at her. “You know, if I remember correctly, you hated this kind of talk two years ago. You practically blushed at the mention of anything remotely anatomical.”
She took a moment to consider this. “Huh. I don’t know what’s changed, really. New year, new me?”
“Ah, shit, that was so horribly canned!” he exclaimed. “And you ragged on me earlier for using a cliché!”
“Relax, relax, I think I know a way I can make it up to you.” She spun around on one heel, took hold of the metal shelves before her, and leaned forward so she pushed her backside toward him. Over her shoulder, she smiled devilishly at him and said, “I believe I’ve found my favorite way to study for Violet’s class this semester.”