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life is weird. my brain is exploding right now thinking about how much has changed in the last year.
this time last year, i was packing up to live in california for the summer.
if i had only known what would come with that...
but i'm glad i didn't know, because if i had known, i wouldn't have gone and i wouldn't have grown in the ways that i have, or made some of the friends that i did.
sure, i'm not close to a single person i met at camp anymore and it's not likely i'll ever seen any of them again, but i'm still glad they were in my life for that brief period of time. at that moment, they were the people i needed.
it's hard for me to believe it's been 6 months since david and i broke up. six months ago, he was my life. he was my present and my future and my whole identity was wrapped up in where i stood with him and i'm so glad it's not that way anymore.
i miss being in love; i really do. and sometimes, i still get really sad when i think about how things happened with me and david. it makes me sad that he's already found someone else and already feels for them what he felt for me. it makes me feel like i never even knew him; it makes it so apparent that the things he felt for me weren't real, and it's likely that the things he feels for this new girl aren't real either. but i don't want to judge and i honestly hope it works out for him.
i miss feeling like i knew who i was going to spend the rest of my life with, but i can't use that as a crutch anymore. i wanted so badly to find security in somebody else because i was too scared to find it in myself. i legitimately believed that i was capable of nothing more than being a wife and mother (not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just not where i was meant to end up any time soon). i was searching so desperately for some form of consistency because i had dealt with so much of the opposite. i wanted someone to be there who would always be there, and i thought i had found him.
lately i've been feeling like i might never fall in love again, and lately i've been feeling like i can be okay with that. i need to discover myself for who i am as a completely independent person, and i'm doing it...and i'm realizing that me and myself go together a lot better than i thought.
i love being single, and i never thought i'd say that. probably not forever, but for now...i'm just so ridiculously content with it that it's almost funny. the idea of being tied down to someone is actually kind of repulsive to me right now.
if the exact right guy comes along and does things exactly how he should, then maybe, but i'm so done actively seeking it out. i don't even have the desire and it feels wonderful.
and holy shit, i live in virginia now? it's still crazy to me and it's been almost 5 months. my best friends/second family are people that i didn't know existed 5 months ago.
my best friend who i thought would be my best friend until the day i died doesn't talk to me anymore. not because of any sort of falling out...
we just inexplicably drifted. this is really the only change about the last year that i just legitmately hate with everything i have. i would love to have tyler back as my best friend, more than anything.
i've finally got my foot in the door of an organization that i've been dying to be a part of since i was 15. i travelled with one of the founders for a week!
i'm planning a cross-continent trip to europe next summer, something i've always wanted to do. and it's actually going to happen.
all in all, this past year has been really hard but...so many good things are about to happen. i can feel it. and so many good things have happened.
everything in it's right place. always.
this time last year, i was packing up to live in california for the summer.
if i had only known what would come with that...
but i'm glad i didn't know, because if i had known, i wouldn't have gone and i wouldn't have grown in the ways that i have, or made some of the friends that i did.
sure, i'm not close to a single person i met at camp anymore and it's not likely i'll ever seen any of them again, but i'm still glad they were in my life for that brief period of time. at that moment, they were the people i needed.
it's hard for me to believe it's been 6 months since david and i broke up. six months ago, he was my life. he was my present and my future and my whole identity was wrapped up in where i stood with him and i'm so glad it's not that way anymore.
i miss being in love; i really do. and sometimes, i still get really sad when i think about how things happened with me and david. it makes me sad that he's already found someone else and already feels for them what he felt for me. it makes me feel like i never even knew him; it makes it so apparent that the things he felt for me weren't real, and it's likely that the things he feels for this new girl aren't real either. but i don't want to judge and i honestly hope it works out for him.
i miss feeling like i knew who i was going to spend the rest of my life with, but i can't use that as a crutch anymore. i wanted so badly to find security in somebody else because i was too scared to find it in myself. i legitimately believed that i was capable of nothing more than being a wife and mother (not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just not where i was meant to end up any time soon). i was searching so desperately for some form of consistency because i had dealt with so much of the opposite. i wanted someone to be there who would always be there, and i thought i had found him.
lately i've been feeling like i might never fall in love again, and lately i've been feeling like i can be okay with that. i need to discover myself for who i am as a completely independent person, and i'm doing it...and i'm realizing that me and myself go together a lot better than i thought.
i love being single, and i never thought i'd say that. probably not forever, but for now...i'm just so ridiculously content with it that it's almost funny. the idea of being tied down to someone is actually kind of repulsive to me right now.
if the exact right guy comes along and does things exactly how he should, then maybe, but i'm so done actively seeking it out. i don't even have the desire and it feels wonderful.
and holy shit, i live in virginia now? it's still crazy to me and it's been almost 5 months. my best friends/second family are people that i didn't know existed 5 months ago.
my best friend who i thought would be my best friend until the day i died doesn't talk to me anymore. not because of any sort of falling out...
we just inexplicably drifted. this is really the only change about the last year that i just legitmately hate with everything i have. i would love to have tyler back as my best friend, more than anything.
i've finally got my foot in the door of an organization that i've been dying to be a part of since i was 15. i travelled with one of the founders for a week!
i'm planning a cross-continent trip to europe next summer, something i've always wanted to do. and it's actually going to happen.
all in all, this past year has been really hard but...so many good things are about to happen. i can feel it. and so many good things have happened.
everything in it's right place. always.