lynch vegas.
i wasn't going to write anything to go along with this entry, but i am now because i can't sleep, even though i'm really tired and really want to.
i gave up today on trying to give b-dog the cold shoulder.
i guess i just really don't want to come off as a bitch.
anyway. we were supposed to hang out tonight and i called and he didn't pick up and never called back.
kind of frustrating.
whatever, though. i'm trying to not let any of this get to me.
but let's be real here...
i'm not doing too well.
i went into machu picchu today to schedule my last training session and also ask elsa about when i'd actually start being put on the schedule.
well i did this, but she also bitched at me for things i didn't do, like being late. she called me unreliable and told me she didn't know if it was really right for the job.
i've been early every time. by a half an hour, because that's when the bus brings me.
the woman is fucking insane, but i can't quit this job.
i guess if she doesn't have anything to legitmately bitch about, she just makes it up.
cool.
also she said i won't be on the actual schedule for at least two weeks.
bullshit.
anyway, then i went to the white hart and read my bible and drank coffee and did the usual white hart things.
after this i was put into a really weird mood, just because blake and i actually interacted and i really just don't know how i feel about it.
i hate how things are in regards to this situation.
it's terrible and uncomfortable and every time i'm around him, i feel so anxious and i don't know what to do.
and i know he feels the same way, and it's just so damn weird.
so much weird tension. not hostile tension, just...tension.
i feel like right now, more than anything else,
i would just like to give him a hug. a really good one. and just hold him for awhile.
i don't really know why, but i feel like it would relieve a lot of this stuff that is floating around.
a kind of "i still think you're really great and we're both going to be okay---also i just need to get this out of my system" sort of hug.
oh, the other day, he told me he wants us to celebrate our birthdays together.
his is on the 19th; mine on the 20th.
but aimee will be here, visiting. awkward. plus he's going to get much more drunk than he's probably ever been because he's turning 21.
i don't know. i just don't see this having any potential of being fun.
i actually would really, really like to go home for my birthday.
it might happen. i'm not really sure, yet.
well whatever. i'm going to try and go back to bed.