those that love us never really leave us.
i just got done browning some ground turkey to mix in with my rice,
and i started thinking about the time my dad and i tried to make these crazy turkey tacos that rachael ray made.
my entire sophomore year, we'd watch 30 minute meals and good eats together after he got home from work. i don't know how this started, but it just did. i guess i would always be in his office watching tv when he got home, and that's where he'd go...so it just kind of became habit.
our meal failed so bad and it was pretty funny, but that is probably one of the best and last memories i have of my dad before he got sick.
i miss him so much.
those that love us never really leave us.
i feel like a lot of my friends don't really, you know, completely get it...
i mean obviously because all of them still have their fathers, but also because none of them are really all that close to their dads, either.
and i'm not faulting them for that, by any means, but it's just not something i can talk about with very many people. and not just the fact that he died, but that i miss him so much and all that. again, i'm not faulting anyone for this, it's just hard not knowing who to go to about it.
i feel like i wear my mom out sometimes when i talk about dad and i feel bad.
tyler always listens and i'm so grateful for that, but sometimes i'd like to have someone actually, you know, talk back.
a journal will have to do, for now.
he was the best dad, and i get so sad when i hear girls talking about how much they hate their dads. mostly because a lot of the time it's for really stupid reasons, but sometimes it's because their dads are genuine assholes and i wish they could have the experiences with their dad that i did with mine.
he was so proud of everything i did, even if it was stupid and really didn't mean that much.
man you guys he was just so great. everyone must know this.
as impossible as it seems, i don't think, after a year and 3 months, that it has really hit me that he is actually dead.
just reading that sentence seems so unreal. my dad is dead.
in fact, yesterday i was at dunn bros. and for some reason my computer wouldn't connect to their wifi, and i legitimately thought,
"i should just call dad, he'll know what to do."
it's just weird, you know.
i did something similar last year around christmas time, but at that point it had only been about a month since he passed.
and every day i think about my mom and how anyone can possibly go on living after losing their husband of 23 years, and for the last year of his life, having to take care of him like a child.
i can't even imagine the heartache.
losing david, a person i was only with for 6 months, hurt so terribly. i can't even imagine how many times greater the hurt was and still is for her.
but she never let it overcome her. ever. she told me just the other night, when i was crying and being a baby about david and how i miss dad and i miss the relationship that tyler and i used to have and blaaah blaaah blaaah, that she still has to force herself to get out of bed every morning. not because she's tired, but because she just doesn't feel like living life 90% of the time. but she still does it. she still gets up and goes to her job and does everything a 46 year old woman is supposed to do. she wasn't even trying to minimalize my situation or anything, either...she was basically putting it on the same level which i thought was wrong and ridiculous but she has enough empathy in her to understand how great the hurt i'm feeling is, even though hers is so much worse. does that make sense?
because of her, i haven't succumb to the urge to get super piss drunk every few nights (and believe me, i've had the chance), or to start slandering david to everyone i know, or to just lay in my bed all day, crying to myself and asking "why?" over and over and over...but to rely on God and just keep doing that, because she knows better than anyone that that is the only thing that is going to lead me out of this. and it's been working. i've come a long way already. my relationship with God has improved more over than past three weeks than it has in the past three years. it's really exciting, actually. sonja (jo's mom and pretty much my second mom) has been telling me since my dad died, and every time i go to her with something that's hurt me, that the things that we go through are never, ever wasted. i'm finally starting to believe it! if the only reason for me being with david was to get my heartbroken, and through that learn to finally rely on God and not somebody else for my contentment and happiness (and not just say that i do), then i am content with that. if this is all i get out of the situation, and david and i never speak again, i am content with that. i'd like it to be different, but as it stands now, i don't see that happening. and i am content. if this is supposed to teach me to just hold my tongue and not go into combat mode every time he says something bad about me, then i'm glad. i need to learn how to handle these situations better anyway. in the end, i'm going to come out of this (and by this, i don't just mean david stuff, i mean everything else that i've been struggling with for the past couple years) a stronger, better, wiser, and more independent person. i've still got a long ways to go, i think, and a ton more to learn, but i hope some day i'll be content with the person God has made me. for once, i'm more concerned about making Him happy than anyone else. and for once i'm not just saying it, either. it's a good feeling, being tight with God.
this is all so corny but i completely don't care. i am really excited about everything happening to me right now.
also, i'm really excited to go to virginia and find a new church. i love the salvage yard and riverside with my whole heart, but something new will be nice and fun and exciting. exciting is the adjective of the day/week/month.
ack 5 days!
i was going to get a tattoo today but they told me it would cost at least $125, and i just don't have that kind of money right now.
then i was like, well, maybe i'll get a piercing since i've been putting that off for so long anyway, but that was more than i thought it would be, too, so i didn't do eiher.
i'll have to wait until i'm in virginia and settled in. but it's going to be so good! my tattoo and virginia.
i think liisa put it best:
I love all this Kelley/Caitlin talk. How frikkin exciting/magical/awesome/perfect/great/great/great. Holy crap, I can't even stop spitting out adjectives, it's so fantastic.
also!
tyler called me in the middle of me filming my video for pretentious boardies last night/morning?, and it filmed the whole thing. i condensed it for you to enjoy. i love this kid.
i feel like this entry might not have been very coherent, but it all made sense to me.
and i started thinking about the time my dad and i tried to make these crazy turkey tacos that rachael ray made.
my entire sophomore year, we'd watch 30 minute meals and good eats together after he got home from work. i don't know how this started, but it just did. i guess i would always be in his office watching tv when he got home, and that's where he'd go...so it just kind of became habit.
our meal failed so bad and it was pretty funny, but that is probably one of the best and last memories i have of my dad before he got sick.
i miss him so much.
those that love us never really leave us.
i feel like a lot of my friends don't really, you know, completely get it...
i mean obviously because all of them still have their fathers, but also because none of them are really all that close to their dads, either.
and i'm not faulting them for that, by any means, but it's just not something i can talk about with very many people. and not just the fact that he died, but that i miss him so much and all that. again, i'm not faulting anyone for this, it's just hard not knowing who to go to about it.
i feel like i wear my mom out sometimes when i talk about dad and i feel bad.
tyler always listens and i'm so grateful for that, but sometimes i'd like to have someone actually, you know, talk back.
a journal will have to do, for now.
he was the best dad, and i get so sad when i hear girls talking about how much they hate their dads. mostly because a lot of the time it's for really stupid reasons, but sometimes it's because their dads are genuine assholes and i wish they could have the experiences with their dad that i did with mine.
he was so proud of everything i did, even if it was stupid and really didn't mean that much.
man you guys he was just so great. everyone must know this.
as impossible as it seems, i don't think, after a year and 3 months, that it has really hit me that he is actually dead.
just reading that sentence seems so unreal. my dad is dead.
in fact, yesterday i was at dunn bros. and for some reason my computer wouldn't connect to their wifi, and i legitimately thought,
"i should just call dad, he'll know what to do."
it's just weird, you know.
i did something similar last year around christmas time, but at that point it had only been about a month since he passed.
and every day i think about my mom and how anyone can possibly go on living after losing their husband of 23 years, and for the last year of his life, having to take care of him like a child.
i can't even imagine the heartache.
losing david, a person i was only with for 6 months, hurt so terribly. i can't even imagine how many times greater the hurt was and still is for her.
but she never let it overcome her. ever. she told me just the other night, when i was crying and being a baby about david and how i miss dad and i miss the relationship that tyler and i used to have and blaaah blaaah blaaah, that she still has to force herself to get out of bed every morning. not because she's tired, but because she just doesn't feel like living life 90% of the time. but she still does it. she still gets up and goes to her job and does everything a 46 year old woman is supposed to do. she wasn't even trying to minimalize my situation or anything, either...she was basically putting it on the same level which i thought was wrong and ridiculous but she has enough empathy in her to understand how great the hurt i'm feeling is, even though hers is so much worse. does that make sense?
because of her, i haven't succumb to the urge to get super piss drunk every few nights (and believe me, i've had the chance), or to start slandering david to everyone i know, or to just lay in my bed all day, crying to myself and asking "why?" over and over and over...but to rely on God and just keep doing that, because she knows better than anyone that that is the only thing that is going to lead me out of this. and it's been working. i've come a long way already. my relationship with God has improved more over than past three weeks than it has in the past three years. it's really exciting, actually. sonja (jo's mom and pretty much my second mom) has been telling me since my dad died, and every time i go to her with something that's hurt me, that the things that we go through are never, ever wasted. i'm finally starting to believe it! if the only reason for me being with david was to get my heartbroken, and through that learn to finally rely on God and not somebody else for my contentment and happiness (and not just say that i do), then i am content with that. if this is all i get out of the situation, and david and i never speak again, i am content with that. i'd like it to be different, but as it stands now, i don't see that happening. and i am content. if this is supposed to teach me to just hold my tongue and not go into combat mode every time he says something bad about me, then i'm glad. i need to learn how to handle these situations better anyway. in the end, i'm going to come out of this (and by this, i don't just mean david stuff, i mean everything else that i've been struggling with for the past couple years) a stronger, better, wiser, and more independent person. i've still got a long ways to go, i think, and a ton more to learn, but i hope some day i'll be content with the person God has made me. for once, i'm more concerned about making Him happy than anyone else. and for once i'm not just saying it, either. it's a good feeling, being tight with God.
this is all so corny but i completely don't care. i am really excited about everything happening to me right now.
also, i'm really excited to go to virginia and find a new church. i love the salvage yard and riverside with my whole heart, but something new will be nice and fun and exciting. exciting is the adjective of the day/week/month.
ack 5 days!
i was going to get a tattoo today but they told me it would cost at least $125, and i just don't have that kind of money right now.
then i was like, well, maybe i'll get a piercing since i've been putting that off for so long anyway, but that was more than i thought it would be, too, so i didn't do eiher.
i'll have to wait until i'm in virginia and settled in. but it's going to be so good! my tattoo and virginia.
i think liisa put it best:
I love all this Kelley/Caitlin talk. How frikkin exciting/magical/awesome/perfect/great/great/great. Holy crap, I can't even stop spitting out adjectives, it's so fantastic.
also!
tyler called me in the middle of me filming my video for pretentious boardies last night/morning?, and it filmed the whole thing. i condensed it for you to enjoy. i love this kid.
Click to viewi feel like this entry might not have been very coherent, but it all made sense to me.