Coming up for air
I miss Wes. Grieving is more complex and soul-crushing than I had anticipated. Everything has become hollow, even me. I read the autopsy today. I was happy to have something about Wes. It's the closest I can get to him now. But I am still sad. I am told that it will pass, but I wonder if I will always be a little empty. I know I will always be a little happy along with the empty because he did bring great joy and happiness to my life. But his memory is still warm. He is still warm. I cry when I think of the memory of him growing cold. But perhaps it will be like the Big Bang, after a few billion years it settles into a nice constant glow. I could look forward to a nice constant glow. And it would be nice to have something to look forward to. The bottom line is I miss Wes and he's all I think about. I can't be too happy because he's not here. I can't be too sad because he would not want me to be. I love him so much that I physically ache. I am very lucky I was able to tell him how I felt before he died. I am even luckier that he was able to tell me how he felt. I believed him as I know he believed me. But I am still very very sad. I know he's not suffering. I know that he's not having to deal with the frustrations and pains of the material world. I know that he knows that his friends and family love him and miss him dearly. But I am still very very sad. I still sit at his grave and cry. I guess it's still early. I feel the loss everyday as if it were the first day. Actually, no, the sense of loss is growing each day. What I cannot bear the day before, I seem to be able to bear the next. Is this growth? Or is it destruction? Maybe I am a phoenix, caught in an endless cycle of having my spirit torn apart right down to the molecules, and then having it miraculously reform itself just in time to be torn apart again. An infinite parade of who I could become? I don't think I even know who I am right now. All my ultimate plans and hopes died on April 1, 2005. I was looking so forward to the rest of my life hanging out with Wes. Of course, I still have Ira. But he's a young man. He must make his way in the world and find his own family and future. I guess I have lost my bliss for the time being, but I know Wes would have wanted me to find a new one. Maybe there is a new bliss out there for me. I can't think of one now without Wes, though. It's so hard to think of anything without Wes in it. I miss him so much. I don't want to think of anything without him right now. Yes, I am a mess. And I don't think I have even gotten close to bottom yet.