Letters
[ooc note: Posted in LJ to keep everything together. For Llew. All of these letters are in the box with the photos and the little toys. Written by Raoul, obviously.]
Dear MoM + Dad,
i like saNdwitches + today i had the best saNdwitch that was really good. i like it More thaN other saNdwitches. AuNtie says saNdwitches are Not really saNdwitches. that is good because witches are people + eating people is bad eveN if they taste good. do you like saNdwitches?
Dead MoM + Dad,
today is My birthday. My MoM that is Not real says today is good to be My birthday because NothiNg is goiNg oN. there will be cake aNd AuNtie says you will get Me a gift if I aM good.
Dear MoM + Dad,
ThaNk you for the really cool waNd. i like it + it is cool because it is blue aNd gold + those are good colors. fake MoM did Not like it because AuNtie did soMethiNg Not real but i like it. it is Nice. you eveN spelled My NaMe on it with all the right letters.
Dear Mom + Dad,
AuNtie has lots of maNa worms + they are Not Nice. they are so meaN that they bite me some days + it hurts lots. do you have maNa worms? fake mom says No more maNa worms because they will eat my magic. that is okay because i do Not like them eveN.
Dear Mom + Dad,
AuNtie says i am goiNg to live with her for a little bit because of thiNgs. we will have lots of fuN + she says i will ride a strider that is Not scary but i thiNk it will still be scary. striders are really big + like chickeNs but more scary. chickeNs are better small.
Dear Mom + Dad,
i met a man today, + he did not like me. he said i was a human + said things that made Auntie mad. + Auntie says i do not have to be sad because i am the best. i bet i am the best because you are really neat. like cake is good and milk is good + it is best when they are with each other which is how kids are made i think.
Dear Mom and Dad,
My not real mom came home and she told me about the Light which is in everything. That is nice to me because i like to think you are here even if you do not get to write me back. Auntie says you are really busy. Do you fight orcs? I saw a orc but he did not look very scary.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Mom says she doesn't like being called fake mom and she is mad about that. She says Auntie is not doing a good job and is abusing stuff but that is not true. Abuse is hitting things and Auntie never hits anyone but sometimes her friends hit her and one time hit me but that is them, not Auntie. Someone should tell Mom so she is mad at them and not Auntie. Auntie does a very good job even better than how best I am at magic.
Dear Dad,
Mom says I am not allowed to write to other moms anymore because I only have one. Auntie promises she will send letters to you though because you are my only one Dad and since I only get one of each you are the one I get. She said she would send letters to real Mom too but I do not want to make my Mom mad or she might not let me stay with Auntie and I do not want to leave Auntie alone. She would be sad. If you are not busy will you come to my birthday party?
Dear Dad,
Do you like me? You did not come to my birthday party so I am sending you a piece of cake. You can eat it when you are fighting orcs and things or throw it at them but that is not the best way to eat cake because then THE ORCS might get to eat it and I am sending it to you. Please don't let the orcs eat my birthday cake, I really want you to eat it. I even put "To Dad, NOT ORCS" on the box to remind you if you lose this letter or something like that.
Dear Dad,
I saw magic today. Not magic like my magic, but real magic where you don't have to say spells and you can find cards and coins. It is really cool and Auntie gave me some cards instead of getting her pretty flowers like she gets every week because they make her not sick. That is very nice of her and I will do lots of tricks when she is sick to make her feel better. So I can be nice too like the Light says.
Dear Dad,
Auntie is really sad. Do you ever get real sad? I don't like being sad. I like being happy because things are better that way. I think it is better to be happy because when you are happy then people around you are happy and people don't think about the sad things that were making them not happy. Striders are still scary. Bad things happened in Quel'Thalas so we can't go back. We live in Dalaran now. I hope the mailman brings your mail here.
Dear Dad,
I met a girl today named Valerie Starlet like the stars in the sky. She is very pretty and she even SOUNDS pretty when she talks. She kissed my face like Auntie does and we ate lunch together. I have lots of friends and we hit each other but I would not hit her because she is too pretty even if she is my friend now. And sometimes when we hit each other we make each other cry and I do not ever want to see Valerie Starlet cry because that would make me sad. Does mom ever cry? I bet it makes you sad.
Dear Dad,
When I was staying at Val's house to meet her Dad, Auntie went away and they cannot find her. I hope she is okay because she's been very sad lately and sometimes says things that don't make sense. She talked about another human and real love and how people sometimes only fall in real love if they both got hurt the same way. She said sometimes a broken piece only fits with another broken piece. I do not think she is broken, just sad. I hope you are busy with good things and I am sorry this letter is sad. Val and I caught fireflies and they were pretty but not as pretty as her.
Dear Dad,
I kissed Val today but not like Auntie kissed me. It was very quick and I don't know if I did it right but she was happy and so I guess I did. We talked about what she wants to do and she says she wants to be a scientist and a star, like her name. She's so pretty and smart that I think she will be able to be anything she wants to be. Her Dad calls that 'potential' and he says I have it too. I think that is a really good thing and I hope you think so too.
Dear Dad,
Mom came home for my birthday in Dalaran. It was the best birthday ever, for now. It will be the best birthday ever again if you're not busy next year and can come home. Mom said the Light has abandoned us like you abandoned me but that's not really true because with the Light, you're still with me so couldn't the Light still be with us through the Light? Just by being the Light? I think that's how it works. She said she'd make me pancakes with the face of chocolate chips on them with cherries and everything if I wanted in the morning, but she left earlier and Val said she's not coming back.
Dear Dad,
Auntie is dead. I don't know what to do or what will happen to me and I don't even care anymore. I wish I could see you. I started crying and Val said that was stupid so I won't do that anymore but it still hurts inside. It doesn't hurt like fighting orcs hurts, I bet, so I don't know if you know what I mean but it hurts really bad. I just want to be happy and Val says she wants me to be happy too.
Dear Dad,
It's been a couple of years since I last wrote you a letter. Valerie asked me to stop writing them. At first I didn't really understand why. I thought she just didn't want me to spend so much time holding on to you when we've never met. Then some of my Aunt's things came back from Quel'Thalas, including a box of all these letters I wrote and you never got to see.
It occurs to me now why Sherry was so mad at my Aunt all of the time. She was pretending you were real. She was pretending you would get these letters. She was pretending you read them and actually sent me that wand when I was little. I feel like such a fool.
I don't know how Valerie puts up with me. I don't know how I'm writing you this now when this entire relationship was a lie. A well intentioned lie, but still a lie. Maybe one day I will meet you. Maybe one day I won't even want to. I don't know. It calls into question how much I actually love you, or just the idea of you.
I haven't seen Sherry in years. No one has heard from her. Archmage Worthington pronounced her a traitor, if not dead, and that she serves Prince Kael'Thas now. I guess that could be true. I don't know. It doesn't really matter.
No one that was ever there for me is still around except Valerie and things are... different with her now. I'm trying really hard to keep us both on the right track. I love her. I do. I want to love her forever and be there for her like people weren't there for me. That's not to say I was never loved, but I think somewhere down the line people stopped loving me. I think I stopped being good enough for them. I don't want to do that to Valerie. I don't want to hurt her like that.
I don't know what the circumstances were of you leaving me. Maybe you died. Maybe you wanted me and my birth mother didn't allow it. Maybe you forced her to give me up. Maybe you're an asshole like Archmage Worthington is. I don't know. Maybe you're the best thing that never happened to me.
I guess I'm glad you existed. At least.
Dear Dad and Auntie,
Another few years and probably would have been more if I hadn't accidentally found this box again. I took the time to burn most of the pictures of Val and me. It turns out I'm not the paragon of fidelity I thought I was. It turns out I'm not the pillar of strength and the steadfast champion I promised Val I would be. She went down a path and please, Light please, believe me I tried to follow her. I did things that I can't even commit to paper even though no one will ever read these. I did it all for Love and then I gave up.
I know the Light will judge that faltering conviction worse than the sins themselves. I think that's what hurts me the most now. It makes me doubt if love is real at all. And if it is real and true, then maybe I'm just a wicked person. I let go of a woman who begged me to stay with her. I found myself disgusted with her when the life bled out and undeath settled in. I stayed beside her prison cell and listened to every hateful thing she spat at me, things I deserve for my cowardice.
Then I see this girl, Amavia Hawkins, just come strolling into my life. She's my new partner and she's sleeping with my Master's brother. I find myself jealous and wishing I had a girl like that. You know it's funny because I only met this girl by becoming George's apprentice. I'm only George's apprentice because I loved Valerie and didn't want her to be executed.
Am I dissatisfied with Val? Is it justified? What about undying love? What about the lover that my Aunt died for? Are the more important things? What about me? What about Quel'Thalas? Is that why Sherry left? Was I just an obstacle in the path of her true goals? Did s-
I'm sick of writing about all this bullshit. I'm sick that it fills my journals. I'm sick of it filling letters to my imaginary father. That's not who I am. But when I sit down and write, that's all the ink shows. It's like trying to keep down my lunch. Each time it comes up, it burns a little more. I can't keep doing this. Take a break from writing in general if I have to.
For what it's worth, Auntie- I remember counting Eversong leaves. I remember finding the one shaped like a horse. We named it Sir Can't-Gallop. Because he was a leaf. Leaves don't have hooves. So they can't gallop. Silliest fucking thing in the world but I remember it like it happened yesterday. I miss you.
Dad and Mom, I hope if you're out there that you remember me. Love may not be eternal. I can try and accept that. It might be totally circumstancial and the circumstances just weren't in my favor. I get that. That wasn't my choice but I get it.
Just don't forget about me. Hate me, think I'm trivial, be glad you got rid of me. Just don't forget me.
I'm starting to think being remembered is a safer bet than being loved.
Dear MoM + Dad,
i like saNdwitches + today i had the best saNdwitch that was really good. i like it More thaN other saNdwitches. AuNtie says saNdwitches are Not really saNdwitches. that is good because witches are people + eating people is bad eveN if they taste good. do you like saNdwitches?
Dead MoM + Dad,
today is My birthday. My MoM that is Not real says today is good to be My birthday because NothiNg is goiNg oN. there will be cake aNd AuNtie says you will get Me a gift if I aM good.
Dear MoM + Dad,
ThaNk you for the really cool waNd. i like it + it is cool because it is blue aNd gold + those are good colors. fake MoM did Not like it because AuNtie did soMethiNg Not real but i like it. it is Nice. you eveN spelled My NaMe on it with all the right letters.
Dear Mom + Dad,
AuNtie has lots of maNa worms + they are Not Nice. they are so meaN that they bite me some days + it hurts lots. do you have maNa worms? fake mom says No more maNa worms because they will eat my magic. that is okay because i do Not like them eveN.
Dear Mom + Dad,
AuNtie says i am goiNg to live with her for a little bit because of thiNgs. we will have lots of fuN + she says i will ride a strider that is Not scary but i thiNk it will still be scary. striders are really big + like chickeNs but more scary. chickeNs are better small.
Dear Mom + Dad,
i met a man today, + he did not like me. he said i was a human + said things that made Auntie mad. + Auntie says i do not have to be sad because i am the best. i bet i am the best because you are really neat. like cake is good and milk is good + it is best when they are with each other which is how kids are made i think.
Dear Mom and Dad,
My not real mom came home and she told me about the Light which is in everything. That is nice to me because i like to think you are here even if you do not get to write me back. Auntie says you are really busy. Do you fight orcs? I saw a orc but he did not look very scary.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Mom says she doesn't like being called fake mom and she is mad about that. She says Auntie is not doing a good job and is abusing stuff but that is not true. Abuse is hitting things and Auntie never hits anyone but sometimes her friends hit her and one time hit me but that is them, not Auntie. Someone should tell Mom so she is mad at them and not Auntie. Auntie does a very good job even better than how best I am at magic.
Dear Dad,
Mom says I am not allowed to write to other moms anymore because I only have one. Auntie promises she will send letters to you though because you are my only one Dad and since I only get one of each you are the one I get. She said she would send letters to real Mom too but I do not want to make my Mom mad or she might not let me stay with Auntie and I do not want to leave Auntie alone. She would be sad. If you are not busy will you come to my birthday party?
Dear Dad,
Do you like me? You did not come to my birthday party so I am sending you a piece of cake. You can eat it when you are fighting orcs and things or throw it at them but that is not the best way to eat cake because then THE ORCS might get to eat it and I am sending it to you. Please don't let the orcs eat my birthday cake, I really want you to eat it. I even put "To Dad, NOT ORCS" on the box to remind you if you lose this letter or something like that.
Dear Dad,
I saw magic today. Not magic like my magic, but real magic where you don't have to say spells and you can find cards and coins. It is really cool and Auntie gave me some cards instead of getting her pretty flowers like she gets every week because they make her not sick. That is very nice of her and I will do lots of tricks when she is sick to make her feel better. So I can be nice too like the Light says.
Dear Dad,
Auntie is really sad. Do you ever get real sad? I don't like being sad. I like being happy because things are better that way. I think it is better to be happy because when you are happy then people around you are happy and people don't think about the sad things that were making them not happy. Striders are still scary. Bad things happened in Quel'Thalas so we can't go back. We live in Dalaran now. I hope the mailman brings your mail here.
Dear Dad,
I met a girl today named Valerie Starlet like the stars in the sky. She is very pretty and she even SOUNDS pretty when she talks. She kissed my face like Auntie does and we ate lunch together. I have lots of friends and we hit each other but I would not hit her because she is too pretty even if she is my friend now. And sometimes when we hit each other we make each other cry and I do not ever want to see Valerie Starlet cry because that would make me sad. Does mom ever cry? I bet it makes you sad.
Dear Dad,
When I was staying at Val's house to meet her Dad, Auntie went away and they cannot find her. I hope she is okay because she's been very sad lately and sometimes says things that don't make sense. She talked about another human and real love and how people sometimes only fall in real love if they both got hurt the same way. She said sometimes a broken piece only fits with another broken piece. I do not think she is broken, just sad. I hope you are busy with good things and I am sorry this letter is sad. Val and I caught fireflies and they were pretty but not as pretty as her.
Dear Dad,
I kissed Val today but not like Auntie kissed me. It was very quick and I don't know if I did it right but she was happy and so I guess I did. We talked about what she wants to do and she says she wants to be a scientist and a star, like her name. She's so pretty and smart that I think she will be able to be anything she wants to be. Her Dad calls that 'potential' and he says I have it too. I think that is a really good thing and I hope you think so too.
Dear Dad,
Mom came home for my birthday in Dalaran. It was the best birthday ever, for now. It will be the best birthday ever again if you're not busy next year and can come home. Mom said the Light has abandoned us like you abandoned me but that's not really true because with the Light, you're still with me so couldn't the Light still be with us through the Light? Just by being the Light? I think that's how it works. She said she'd make me pancakes with the face of chocolate chips on them with cherries and everything if I wanted in the morning, but she left earlier and Val said she's not coming back.
Dear Dad,
Auntie is dead. I don't know what to do or what will happen to me and I don't even care anymore. I wish I could see you. I started crying and Val said that was stupid so I won't do that anymore but it still hurts inside. It doesn't hurt like fighting orcs hurts, I bet, so I don't know if you know what I mean but it hurts really bad. I just want to be happy and Val says she wants me to be happy too.
Dear Dad,
It's been a couple of years since I last wrote you a letter. Valerie asked me to stop writing them. At first I didn't really understand why. I thought she just didn't want me to spend so much time holding on to you when we've never met. Then some of my Aunt's things came back from Quel'Thalas, including a box of all these letters I wrote and you never got to see.
It occurs to me now why Sherry was so mad at my Aunt all of the time. She was pretending you were real. She was pretending you would get these letters. She was pretending you read them and actually sent me that wand when I was little. I feel like such a fool.
I don't know how Valerie puts up with me. I don't know how I'm writing you this now when this entire relationship was a lie. A well intentioned lie, but still a lie. Maybe one day I will meet you. Maybe one day I won't even want to. I don't know. It calls into question how much I actually love you, or just the idea of you.
I haven't seen Sherry in years. No one has heard from her. Archmage Worthington pronounced her a traitor, if not dead, and that she serves Prince Kael'Thas now. I guess that could be true. I don't know. It doesn't really matter.
No one that was ever there for me is still around except Valerie and things are... different with her now. I'm trying really hard to keep us both on the right track. I love her. I do. I want to love her forever and be there for her like people weren't there for me. That's not to say I was never loved, but I think somewhere down the line people stopped loving me. I think I stopped being good enough for them. I don't want to do that to Valerie. I don't want to hurt her like that.
I don't know what the circumstances were of you leaving me. Maybe you died. Maybe you wanted me and my birth mother didn't allow it. Maybe you forced her to give me up. Maybe you're an asshole like Archmage Worthington is. I don't know. Maybe you're the best thing that never happened to me.
I guess I'm glad you existed. At least.
Dear Dad and Auntie,
Another few years and probably would have been more if I hadn't accidentally found this box again. I took the time to burn most of the pictures of Val and me. It turns out I'm not the paragon of fidelity I thought I was. It turns out I'm not the pillar of strength and the steadfast champion I promised Val I would be. She went down a path and please, Light please, believe me I tried to follow her. I did things that I can't even commit to paper even though no one will ever read these. I did it all for Love and then I gave up.
I know the Light will judge that faltering conviction worse than the sins themselves. I think that's what hurts me the most now. It makes me doubt if love is real at all. And if it is real and true, then maybe I'm just a wicked person. I let go of a woman who begged me to stay with her. I found myself disgusted with her when the life bled out and undeath settled in. I stayed beside her prison cell and listened to every hateful thing she spat at me, things I deserve for my cowardice.
Then I see this girl, Amavia Hawkins, just come strolling into my life. She's my new partner and she's sleeping with my Master's brother. I find myself jealous and wishing I had a girl like that. You know it's funny because I only met this girl by becoming George's apprentice. I'm only George's apprentice because I loved Valerie and didn't want her to be executed.
Am I dissatisfied with Val? Is it justified? What about undying love? What about the lover that my Aunt died for? Are the more important things? What about me? What about Quel'Thalas? Is that why Sherry left? Was I just an obstacle in the path of her true goals? Did s-
I'm sick of writing about all this bullshit. I'm sick that it fills my journals. I'm sick of it filling letters to my imaginary father. That's not who I am. But when I sit down and write, that's all the ink shows. It's like trying to keep down my lunch. Each time it comes up, it burns a little more. I can't keep doing this. Take a break from writing in general if I have to.
For what it's worth, Auntie- I remember counting Eversong leaves. I remember finding the one shaped like a horse. We named it Sir Can't-Gallop. Because he was a leaf. Leaves don't have hooves. So they can't gallop. Silliest fucking thing in the world but I remember it like it happened yesterday. I miss you.
Dad and Mom, I hope if you're out there that you remember me. Love may not be eternal. I can try and accept that. It might be totally circumstancial and the circumstances just weren't in my favor. I get that. That wasn't my choice but I get it.
Just don't forget about me. Hate me, think I'm trivial, be glad you got rid of me. Just don't forget me.
I'm starting to think being remembered is a safer bet than being loved.