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Flawed Design - Stabilo ]
Dear Journal,
We tracked down Mr. Kilvar. Turns out he's peddling 'magic' rocks down by the Tenth Ring, an unbelievably brutal fight ring in the Underbelly. I bought tickets to Ice Fists vs. Ninnyblast. The flier said it was an orc vs. a gnome, but well, it turns out it was an orc vs. a human. No big deal. Ice Fists, the human woman, lost. She was destroyed by Ninnyblast's hammer. Hawkins got splashed with blood like a wave.
Didn't get a drop on me.
After the show we caught up with Kilvar and-regrettably-I had to rough him up a bit. Hawkins made me put him down and he blinked away. Imagine that. A suspect being questioned decided to flee when given the opportunity. Whatever. We I caught him again after Hawkins gave me this 'go fetch' look. Fine. I can deal with that.
Being held over a grate with the threat of getting dropped down for the hungry sewer beasts really loosens the tongue. Kilvar confessed that he was part of an expedition for Dalaran University (just like I thought) to study any possible effects of the Broken World Pillar on Dalaran. There wasn't anything to find, but you can't blame them for the paranoia. One of their party, a Professor Theresa Ravenstone, went crazy while they were down there and I guess she's the one behind these crystals being smuggled and all the cult meetings.
He gave us a crystal key and the location to one of their meeting places. I don't know when we'll get the chance to investigate it, but soon.
Then Hawkins and I went home and took a bath together.
I regret it.
Don't get me wrong- Light, don't misunderstand me, I enjoyed every moment of it. But it was in the way someone enjoys a piece of candy they've stolen. I loved it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, so what's wrong with me right now? How can walk around pretending not to be in a relationship with Hawkins and then lie to her face about my feelings? Isn't there anyone I can be honest with?
Am I even being honest with myself?
I promised Valerie that I would love her. Forever. I promised that. Promised it. Kept that promise for years. Through mutilation, abuse (most of which wasn't even abuse and I probably deserved it for being so goddamn difficult), and all of her lies, I stayed faithful. When did she cross the line? When was she too evil? Because I don't remember setting a marker when I confessed my 'undying love'.
I thought nothing could break us and now I don't even remember what did.
Hawkins was surprised to find out I like watching fights, that I like being in them. We talked about her possibly being adopted by her father's family, the Delaurac family, and I had to remind myself that she doesn't know me that well. They'll probably arrange a marriage for her and Light knows I'm the last person up for consideration. I don't know if I'd even want to be considered.
I'm not marriage material. If I can't keep my vow to Valerie, why would anyone believe I could keep it to Amavia? I',m not going to think about this. It doesn't matter. I'm going to keep doing this though because I want this, I want her. I like that we're a secret. I like that for now I can have her and not have to face the consequences. That looks so bad on paper, little journal, and I don't mean it like that. I love her.
I really do.
George thinks I'm getting happier. My professors think I'm in a better mood. Professor Aurelis even conceded that I was doing better and put in a recommendation for me to get my familiar back. Lost my permissions for it after that fight with Sebastian from Conjurations class. It was worth it though.
No one talks about my mother Sherry my mother.
Feels good to have it back now. If the smiles keep the rewards coming, then I'll smile until they're sick of my shiny teeth.
Before I go, George asked me to deliver something to Wilhiem Hammerstorm, that security captain that got pied in the face. I told him to do it himself. He wasn't amused and almost twisted my arm until I agreed. But then I did Hawkins on his bed. I don't think he'll be amused about that either. Maybe hearing about our advances on the Crystal Cultists case will soften him.
Goodnight, little journal.
P.S. Why am I such a bad person? Would Amavia Hawkins even want me if she read these things?